How do you decide it's time to give up?

[ktcl]

DD is 3.5 months, and nursing has been a challenge since about 5 weeks. We have stuck with it, and mostly made it through. In the past week, though, she has essentially stopped nursing. I won't go into all of the details (though you can see my DP's post in this forum for details-megincl).

Today I had a lactation consultant here at the house, and she seemed to be saying that I really can't force DD to do anything, and that the more I try to force the issue, the worse it is going to get. I need to follow her lead and let her decide when she is ready to nurse.

But what if she never decides she is ready? Am I really going to just give up? I can't really picture it (DS nursed until age 5!). But I guess I don't really know what my alternative is.

I know this is supposed to be a supportive forum for people continuing to breastfeed. And I truly do WANT to continue, but I guess I am looking to hear from people who decided that they could not continue, and how you handled that emotionally... how did you make that decision?

[Llyra]

I gave up, with my first daughter. She was right about that same age, and refusing the breast. I realize now that we were battling nipple confusion, and that the solution would have been to completely stop artificial nipples, and tough it out until she came back to the breast. But nobody was able to tell me that, then. (I ran into the same issue, with my DS, and THAT time I did get answers, and we finally did get him nursing well again.)

How did I decide to stop? I started having resentful thoughts towards her. She'd wake up and cry, and I didn't feel tenderness or love. I felt dread and resentment and anger. When DH would take her from me, to change her or play with her, I felt relief that she was gone. I realized it was an awful way to feel, and I wanted to be able to love her and enjoy her without that constant feeling of dread hanging over me. So we went to pumping bottles-- and truthfully? I know it's heresy here. But at that moment in time, it was the right decision for us. My joy in her came back, almost immediately.

Not that I'm recommending stopping. Of course not-- I know now, from my experience with my other kids, that most of the problems we were having could be overcome with the right information. But you asked... So I wanted to share how it was for me.

[ktcl]

THank you for that. I think I had a similar feeling of relief yesterday, though I am not fully ready to give up.

I don't really know how to turn around this nipple confusion, given that she has to have artificial nipples 10 hours per day when I am at work.

[MeepyCat]

Not a fan of your LC. That's not very helpful advice that she gave, and reading your DP's post, your feeding options are a tad limited.

Is is possible that the baby is teething? I ask because I know that caused nursing strikes - heck, eating strikes - for mine.

That said: You should not nurse at the expense of your sanity.

I stopped pumping when my psychiatrist pointed out that my crying jags were occurring in close proximity to pumping sessions. Stopping at that point was the best thing I could possibly do, even though it led to a gradual weaning to formula at slightly under a year. I am much more able to enjoy DD than I was before, and I'm so glad - I always felt that she deserved the love of a whole and joyful heart, and until I stopped pumping, I didn't have that heart to give her.

[Somemyrrh]

Well, one thing most people don't say that should be said more is that nursing is not all or nothing. If you can pump some and that works this week, maybe your daughter can combo feed (breast milk and formula) for a week, and maybe she'll go back to the breast on one of those days. If you keep your milk up another day, you keep your options open for you and baby another day. Then after a week or two or however long you decide, if your LO is not nursing still, you can approach the decision of whether to continue pumping, and let duration be a one day at a time decision or work towards a goal or what gave you.

If, after sorting your options, you find that it would be best for your family's specific circumstances to go to an all formula diet, here are some ways to cope with the grief that you might consider: set aside kangaroo skin to skin time, wear your baby in a wrap high on your chest, sleep with baby on your chest or close to you, smell your baby's head, cuddle while bottle feeding. These activities promote bonding and can help you feel connected if breastfeeding has to stop before you're ready. I had to top bfing my DS at six weeks due to extremely low supply and other issues, but the measures I mentioned helped us stay very well bonded.

Good luck, and remember, all you have to do is feed the baby with love. Type of milk is secondary to your family's health and happiness.