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here i go

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
it is about 30 minutes away from my 31st birthday. my soon to be x hub is on his way to a city 4 hours away to sign a lease on a new apt. to be near his new job.

in the last 11 years of my marriage i have been lied to, cussed at, manipulated, humiliated, hit, hurt, rejected, bullied, and made to feel like a total idiot.

in truth, i am very smart and have always hoped that my husband would stop being an ass and just figure out how to give and recieve love in a healthy way with me.

i feel so alone. and so dumb. how could i have let this go on for so long? i know he made it VERY hard to leave (via threats and manipulation) but i should have known better.

my children have suffered, and i have suffered. and despite the fact that i should be no where near any other men right now, b/c i have gone SO SO SO SO long with out love or touch, i just wish that some magic love would just drop down out of the sky and love me through this.

we have been living as room mates for the last year. and for the last 7 years he has refused to be physical with me (with a very rare case here and there).

i have no real point. it is just that this is where i came when i first got pregnant and lived in chicago and had no one that i knew to love me through it and then when my next child was a still born, this is where i came b.c it was the only place i felt safe anough to let it out. and now, here i am again.

asking: how and the hell do i do this? some days i feel like a holy super woman totally on my path. but sometimes i feel very very scared and alone.
and unsure...can i really break this pattern and end this awful marriage?
am i truly deserving of something better than what this was?
is it out there for me?

thanks...
post #2 of 4
Happy Birthday

I know it doesn't feel too happy at the moment, but you have to know that you do deserve all the happiness in the world. If I were where you are, I'd bring you a chocolate cake and a bottle of champagne!

There is some true happiness for you, but you need to claim some for yourself right now. You don't need to make any major decisions until you are ready to. You'll know when the time is right. In the meantime, take care of yourself and treat yourself to a wonderful birthday, even if it is just baking some cupcakes and watching the sunset or going to the movies or anything else. Keeping telling yourself that you are really deserving of love, and your life will start mirroring that.
post #3 of 4
This is it, Mama! He's moving out, it's your birthday, and it's time to start on an incredible new journey with your dc! This isn't a bad place, it's a clear karma place. Love your own self through it. You'll see!
post #4 of 4
Have you considered joining the Surviving Abuse forum? There are lots of awesome mamas there to give you support.

Also, have a wonderful birthday. Your adventure is just starting!
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