Arguing with my 4.5yo - why does he press MY buttons?

[busymama77]

Do I give off some sort of vibe to press MY buttons and not DH? Why does every conversation always end up in some sort of arugment?

Classic example:

DS "Can we go get a vanilla milk at Starbuck's?"
Me: "No, we already went twice this week"
DS: "But mom, I really want one"
Me: "Mama said "no" and I told you yesterday that today was going to be the last day this week to go"
DS: "But I'll get buckled in my car seat real fast like a good boy"
Me: "That's great honey, but we still cannot go. We have to get you to school and mama has to get to work"


And it's like this with just about every conservation we have. It's not so much ended up in an angry conversation, but you can still he just keeps talking to be talking and it drives me crazy. Why me? And how can I not let this get to me!?

[mamalisa]

Because they are 4 and the supreme rulers of their world. Sigh. My dd has gotten much better since she turned 5.

I would just stop engaging. No is a full sentence. My answer after the first no is always, "I've already answered you. I will not change my mind. Do not ask again." The funny thing is I NEVER change my mind, yet they still nag.

[ollyoxenfree]

I recall hearing one of those so-called "parenting experts" give a presentation and part of his thesis was that moms engage in lengthy discussions and dads say "no". Moms are working with the frontal cortex, higher-developed cognitive reasoning skills and Dads are working at more basic alpha-male level.

It's all pretty stereotypical stuff, but sometimes there seems to be a nugget of truth. For sure, my kids accept a "no" from their dad much sooner than one from me.

[meemee]

oops

[meemee]

i dont see anything wrong with that conversation. when i say no i feel my dd has to understand the why before hte no.

we do bagel and vanilla milk. when she asked me at that age i woudl tell her well we are late. i still have to drop you to dc adn then go to work. do you think we can make it? and she'd say yes and we'd go over hte time issue and she'd stop. then i'd tell her how sad i am that she really wants something and i cant give it to her today because we have to go to school on time.

btw that did happen and that's when i bough real vanilla extract and started making them at home. now dd only goes to starbucks for pumpkin milk. she says i make the best vanilla milk ever.

my question to you is why do your buttons get pushed. i didnt expect them at that age to accept a no without a fight. at 8 the conversation has not changed. it now goes well can we do this instead and she many times is right.

at that age sometimes the lawyer talk would frustrate me - but that's because i had things to do and i was already stressed - but otherwise i saw it as developing adult skills and figuring out how to make things work.

and for us esp. 'i really want to' carries a huuuuuuuuuuuuge amount of weight. those words are deeply respected in our house. its what stopped my dd from lying at 3. whenever its 'i really want to' she always gets it and so do i - provided we can. i honour the deep need behind that statement. she has never, ever used it regularly. ever. she hates going to the grocery store after school. sometimes that's the way life works out. so i would ask her at 5 if we could go because i really have to and she'd always say i dont really want to but ok we can go. now at 8 she stays in the car and reads her book.