I feel like a monster

[notAClue]

Sometimes I just feel the need to confess my sins...

I've just recently become a SAHM, was in College till the third trimester and my DS is almost 6 weeks old now. It's driving me nuts, not having anything to do, or the ability to do anything if I did. DS wants to be held constantly.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and seemed pretty happy and awake. so I got up and got myself a yogurt and sat down next to him on the bed to eat. He started getting fussy so I changed his diaper, I made faces and talked to him, I played with his feet... he wouldn't stop fussing long enough for me to eat my stupid yogurt! so I got angry and said all stern, up in his face that it was too early to be fussy or something stupid like that. He got this look on his face that I've never seen on him before, he frowned and looked just devastated, like I had completely broken him. so I picked him up and held him close and he went right to sleep... he was just tired because he had woken up too early and I broke him.

What kind of person gets angry with a baby?!?

I know everyone does, but I still feel terrible. If I had just picked him up for a second and held him... my hands are free now. but no... I got angry and broke him instead.

Sorry, like I said, sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and facebook is getting tired of hearing about it.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by notAClue

Sometimes I just feel the need to confess my sins...

I've just recently become a SAHM, was in College till the third trimester and my DS is almost 6 weeks old now. It's driving me nuts, not having anything to do, or the ability to do anything if I did. DS wants to be held constantly.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and seemed pretty happy and awake. so I got up and got myself a yogurt and sat down next to him on the bed to eat. He started getting fussy so I changed his diaper, I made faces and talked to him, I played with his feet... he wouldn't stop fussing long enough for me to eat my stupid yogurt! so I got angry and said all stern, up in his face that it was too early to be fussy or something stupid like that. He got this look on his face that I've never seen on him before, he frowned and looked just devastated, like I had completely broken him. so I picked him up and held him close and he went right to sleep... he was just tired because he had woken up too early and I broke him.

What kind of person gets angry with a baby?!?
I know everyone does, but I still feel terrible. If I had just picked him up for a second and held him... my hands are free now. but no... I got angry and broke him instead.

Sorry, like I said, sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and facebook is getting tired of hearing about it.

A normal human person, especially when you want to do one small thing--like eat and your baby won't "let" you. I know I get really grumpy when I'm hungry. He's not broken, not from one episode of mommy getting grumpy and being stern; your expression and tone of voice just surprised him and he has forgotten all about it by now.

I've seen "broken" babies, the ones that were permanently physically damaged because of mommy or daddy's inability to hold their temper, and had to defend and/or prosecute the parent (depending on which side I was working at the time).

[mom2happy]

Having negative feelings toward souch a young infant is definitely a sign of ppd. At 6 weeks they pretty much do need to be held constantly.
Can you wear him in a wrap while you eat?
Don't worry, this time will pass. It feels like it will be like this forever. He still needs to be held and feel all of your movements for another month or two.
I swear by taking fish oil everyday to keep my brain happy.
Also, if you are run down and not eating well it can make you less able to cope.
If you find yourself yelling or speaking negatively to him again, maybe look into getting help. You obviously feel terrible about it and know its not right. PPD is NOT your fault. The hormones can really make some people mental!

[notAClue]

I know he's fine... it almost makes me feel worse because he is still so trusting and comfortable with me and I don't know why except that I have never physically hurt him. and the PP is completely right. I'm not eating well, I never leave the house... it's no wonder I get angry, but it's no excuse.

fish oil huh? maybe I'll look into that.

okay, time for another confession. My parents and step parents were all abusive. I think that might be why I feel so bad about it. He didn't even cry, he just got sad for half a moment, I just can't let myself become like them.

oh boy... hurray for anonymous forums!!

[jellybeanandkids]

I would get frustrated with DD too sometimes when I felt like I couldn't do anything at all. She was pretty high needs, so I would hold her and eat or do whatever at the same time.
It gets better.

[southernmommie]

Everyone has a moment like that. If it happens a lot then I would look into the PPD, but if it happened just the one or two times, it happens. Hormones are still trying to regulate themselves. I would still look into the fish oil. Most of us women are low in those oils anyways. It woudln't hurt and could help you a lot. It's hard. You are transitioning from a studen to a woman who is a homemaker/stay at home mom (whichever you want to be called) AND you just had a baby!! There is an adjustment period. Some longer than others. Mine was a LONG adjustment! And yes!! You can come on here any time day or night and vent away!! There is a TON of good advice given out here!!

[RaeDyCo]

Making the transition to mommy-hood was one of the hardest things ever in my life. I thought I was ready, couldn't wait to be home with my baby... and then reality hit.

Not only was I home with this wonderful, frustrating being attached to me pretty much 24 / 7, DH & I were going through the new parent adjustment period too. I was used to "using my brain" at work and being respected in my field. Now I was a complete newbie who had no control over her day -- DS1 controlled when I slept, ate, went to the bathroom, etc. I loved him more than anything possible but, wow, it was a tough change.

At 6 weeks PP, it is completely normal to be frustrated at times. If you do feel like you are very unhappy or experiencing PPD, I would really recommend getting help so you can be the best momma you can be.

I also second the fish oil. Don't know if it really works but I definitely felt better after DS2 when I was taking the fish oil. I'd also recommend getting out as much as possible! Fresh air does a body good!

[cjam]

You weren't mad at the baby, you were mad at the situation. Who wouldn't be mad if they couldn't finish eating in peace. Practice letting it go, it gets easier.

[sanguine_speed]

Mama, I have done the same thing with each and every one of my four babies at some point or another. It is normal to occasionally feel frustrated and to just want a minute to do something for yourself when you're just worn out.
You are not a monster, and I wouldn't be concerned unless you felt this way a lot of the time.

((hugs))

[dakotablue]

Big things that helped me Baby wearing and walking. If you can get out of the house and walk for a bit everyday it helps A LOT. something about the sun and exercise is great for PP. I could find links if you really want.

Get a Moby or something like it if you can asap it is such a life saver, baby is held content and I have two hands!

[Turtlecouple]

I think we've all had moments like that, we've all gotten angry at our babies. Something that really helped me during those trying times was to tell myself that ONE DAY...

~they'll be to big to hold and cuddle, so I better get it all in now.
~they'll be teenagers and won't want to spend anytime with me or my husband, and even though they are driving me crazy with their constant demands, I take a deep breath and try to enjoy the now.
~when they get older, I will be able to eat a hot meal, uninterrupted. I'll be able to talk on the phone, uninterrupted. I'll be able to use the bathroom, uninterrupted.

of course, I still lose it at times and feel awful but for me, knowing that these periods of time won't last forever, helps me get through it.

[TinkerBelle]

He would not die if he waited a few minutes for you to eat. Or pee. Or shower. Sometimes, you simply HAVE to take care of yourself in order to take care of them.

He is not broken. You realized your mistake and you likely won't do it again. Stop beating yourself up.

[mommaklo]

I have gotten like this with ds occasionally. He has been HIGH NEEDS from the start, and I couldnt even put him down, the first six weeks. No exaggeration. Sometimes I would say "whaaaat do you want?! Whyyyyy are you crying??!!" then feel terrible about it. I realized I had a problem when I stopped feeling so bad about it, and ppd is probly the reason, tho I cant wrap my mind around it. Its not ppd because of myself, persay, but because of this child that NEVER let me get a break. (Trying to go #2 to a screaming baby despite stitches from tearing in labor, well, SUUCKS.) But he has gotten better, and so have I. Everyone I know that has actaully seen my baby at home, the way he is, has told me "I could have never done it, you have way more patience than me." Which makes me feel alot better too, and gives me more patience in trying times. Its the people that say "what? Hes always good when I see him! I dont think hes fussy." That I want to throw out the window, not my baby.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by notAClue

Sometimes I just feel the need to confess my sins...

I've just recently become a SAHM, was in College till the third trimester and my DS is almost 6 weeks old now. It's driving me nuts, not having anything to do, or the ability to do anything if I did. DS wants to be held constantly.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and seemed pretty happy and awake. so I got up and got myself a yogurt and sat down next to him on the bed to eat. He started getting fussy so I changed his diaper, I made faces and talked to him, I played with his feet... he wouldn't stop fussing long enough for me to eat my stupid yogurt! so I got angry and said all stern, up in his face that it was too early to be fussy or something stupid like that. He got this look on his face that I've never seen on him before, he frowned and looked just devastated, like I had completely broken him. so I picked him up and held him close and he went right to sleep... he was just tired because he had woken up too early and I broke him.

What kind of person gets angry with a baby?!?

I know everyone does, but I still feel terrible. If I had just picked him up for a second and held him... my hands are free now. but no... I got angry and broke him instead.

Sorry, like I said, sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and facebook is getting tired of hearing about it.

Having a newborn is HARD. Being a new mom is HARD. And adjusting from being a student/working to being a stay-at-home-mom is HARD.


You didn't break him. He won't have life-long issues because of it. It's okay. Cut yourself a break.


Now that you're conscious of it, when you start reaching the end of your rope (which happens to EVERYONE), instead of focusing frustration/anger at the baby, step back and take five deep breaths. I'm on my second baby and still need to, every once in a while, step back, breathe, and emotionally regroup.

Parenting is a continuous learning process. You're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Having negative feelings toward souch a young infant is definitely a sign of ppd. At 6 weeks they pretty much do need to be held constantly.

It *can* be a sign. But you don't have to have PPD to have negative feelings towards a demanding infant, even if you know they can't help it.

I'm sorry, but I think this is one of the most horrible, damaging myths of motherhood--that if you feel anger or annoyance towards your baby at any time there must be something wrong.

No. Motherhood doesn't turn you into a saint, nor does it remove your humanity. Sometimes you WILL get angry at your kids. Sometimes you WILL have to hold yourself back with everything you have to keep from delivering a smack or saying something you know that you shouldn't. Sometimes your kids WILL seem annoying or bratty to you. Sometimes they will be annoying and bratty.

Yes, if this is a constant thing, it may be PPD, or if you find things escalating. PPD is definitely not something to be ashamed of, and it's not the fault of the person suffering it, and they don't have to be alone with it.

But feeling angry and frustrated because you can't take care of a basic need for yourself because you're trying to juggle your little baby--that is human, and NORMAL. Having a reaction in the moment that you regret later? Yeah, totally normal. This won't be the last time. I do agree with others though--it's to your advantage now to practice apologizing to your kiddo (yes, just a baby now, but might as well get into the habit now, you'll need it more later), and forgiving yourself so you can move on. If you keep whipping yourself for every little mistake, it's not good for your health or your relationship with your child.

ETA: as abused child to abused child, let me speak frankly here. I think one of the most important and hardest things you'll probably have to do is to learn how to forgive yourself when you mess up, and to not carpetbag yourself with fear about turning into your parents. You will destroy your health if you don't learn some coping mechanisms (for dealing with the residual trauma and anger you'll likely feel about your childhood as your kid moves through there, and for keep yourself calm when you mess up without riding the "I'm turning into my parents" train down into emotional hell). I find that I am both more sympathetic to my parents while at the same time being more angry thna ever that they didn't choose to control themselves--which can be pretty icky inside. For me, therapy was great for dealing with "echoes" from my childhood--as well as connecting with some parents with kids older than mine who came from similar background (so I didn't feel alone, and so I had at least some people in my life that I knew could/would tell me the truth even if I didn't want to hear it while still loving me). It is not fun to have to constantly be vigilant against abusive instincts while at the same time being merciful towards oneself by not escalating every slipup into "I've destroyed everything forever/I'm abusive". It's not an easy balance to achieve; but I find really being mindful about that can make you into a very compassionate parent.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by notAClue

He got this look on his face that I've never seen on him before, he frowned and looked just devastated, like I had completely broken him. so I picked him up and held him close and he went right to sleep... he was just tired because he had woken up too early and I broke him.

but no... I got angry and broke him instead.

Mama, you didn't break your baby!! I PROMISE you, that one little thing did not break him! You may have scared him, he may not have known what to think, but you did not break him!!

Babies are resilient little people, and he will be OK. Invest in a carrier, and use that when you need to be hands free to eat. Also, I'm in the camp that thinks, "If mama needs to eat for 5minutes, baby can cry for 5minutes" Sitting near him and talking to him while you do it is a bonus - but mama can't take care of a baby if she doesn't take care of herself.

[LessTraveledBy]

I am really saddened by the idea that some (esp. here) would be ok leaving a baby to cry for any amount of time.

I think learning how to do many things at once is one of the musts of motherhood... eating a spoon full here and there, eating with one hand while holding baby with the other, etc. Also, like others have said, learning how to use a sling or wrap can be really helpful.

Try to find little things which you enjoy and can look forward to every day, while most likely needing to hold your baby at the same time.

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy

I am really saddened by the idea that some (esp. here) would be ok leaving a baby to cry for any amount of time.

This really struck a chord with me.

I don't think anybody here is "okay" with it, like thinking it's ideal or the best way to do things. But sometimes it truly cannot be helped, and spending time on guilt about things that cannot be helped doesn't do anybody any good. When my twins were born, my DD1 was 2, and I was sick for nearly a year, with a chronic, serious illness of which I nearly died. So I had three kids in diapers, three kids under three-- effectively, three babies. And a disease. And I was only one person. There were plenty of times that one child had to wait, while another's urgent needs were being met, or while I cared for my own urgent needs. What I learned through this is that it's what you do for them over the long term, consistently and day-to-day, that matters-- not the few unfortunate times where you fall short of the ideal. Baby isn't scarred for life because you put him down in an entirely safe location and he cried for a few minutes, while you took care of yourself or somebody else. He really isn't. And the AP police can flog me if they like-- I still think it's true.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy

I think learning how to do many things at once is one of the musts of motherhood... eating a spoon full here and there, eating with one hand while holding baby with the other, etc. Also, like others have said, learning how to use a sling or wrap can be really helpful.

I'm going to ignore your first sentence, and address this one instead.

Sometimes, a spoonful is NOT enough. It hardly ever is for me, and my son needs me to be healthy, happy, and FED so that I can take care of him. I don't think that children should just be left to cry for all amounts of time b/c I have other things to do - but my needs MUST be met so that I can take care of him. Sometimes, that means him tantruming or crying while I eat something so I don't lose my mind.

If mama needs to eat, then mama needs to eat! And yes, that means baby might wait a few minutes while mama scarfes a meal down (I'm not advocating taking 45minutes to eat a 3course meal here - 5 minutes for a sandwich is another matter!)

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy

I am really saddened by the idea that some (esp. here) would be ok leaving a baby to cry for any amount of time.

I'm going to try to be gentle here: this attitude is not helpful to the OP, not really relevent to the topic, and seems to encourage a "mommy martyrdom." I don't think a single person here would advocate leaving a baby to cry to "learn to self-soothe" or sleep train. Ideally, babies would never cry at all and would always be in-arms. However, especially for SAHMs who are left alone all day, and don't have someone to fix meals for them and/or take care of them in any way, that's not even approaching realistic.

I have two babies in diapers. I don't want either of them to cry, ever. But if I'm changing one of them, and the other starts crying, I can't just walk off leaving one child on the changing table half-wiped to pick up the crying child. As a PP said, it's a case of prioritizing the greatest immediate need.

In the OP's situation-- she is breastfeeding. It is VERY IMPORTANT that she eat. If she doesn't get a sufficient amount of nutritious food, she and the baby will suffer. Looking at it from a position of a bit more experience and not "in-the-moment", I would have picked up the baby, sat down in a chair with baby on my chest/shoulder, and then continued to eat the yogurt. And I'm betting that in the future, the OP will be doing something like that in this situation. But like I said before-- parenting is a learning experience, and you don't have to get it all right and figured out in the first few weeks.

I had a few moments of frustration and negative feelings in the first few weeks with my first baby. I didn't have PPD, and I wasn't constantly thinking bad things about the baby, and I love my baby more than anything in the world. It is just, for one thing, a HUGE adjustment to realizing that your personal needs/wants now take "second place", for the rest of your life, behind the needs/wants of another person. In addition, you're dealing with sleep deprivation, your life being completely changed from what it was, AND a huge dose of post-partum hormones. I think that being a little more forgiving/understanding, and a little less judgmental, would be very helpful. In the past, in most societies, new mothers would be surrounded by older family members who have experience to offer and could lend a hand to help out. Now it seems that new moms are just handed a baby and told to go figure it out. Which we tend to do But it's VERY okay to be human, to get frustrated, and to not immediately figure out the "right" way to do something.


Also-- I do not think that the OP would EVER hurt her baby, I don't get any type of "red flag" from her post, and I'm not implying that such a thing could ever cross her mind--

But your post put me in mind of this, said earlier:

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

I've seen "broken" babies, the ones that were permanently physically damaged because of mommy or daddy's inability to hold their temper, and had to defend and/or prosecute the parent (depending on which side I was working at the time).

I think it is ALWAYS better to let a baby cry for a minute, than to handle a baby in anger. There was a case in my state this week where a six-week-old baby was shaken/killed because it was crying. I think tragic stories like that would be less frequent if it was stressed that if the baby is making you upset, set the baby in a safe place, and WALK AWAY until getting yourself under control.