I feel like a monster - Page 2

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

It *can* be a sign. But you don't have to have PPD to have negative feelings towards a demanding infant, even if you know they can't help it.

I'm sorry, but I think this is one of the most horrible, damaging myths of motherhood--that if you feel anger or annoyance towards your baby at any time there must be something wrong.

I totally agree. This last baby, number 4, has really throw me for a loop! Of course I love her more than anything in the world but I am enjoying her soooooo much more now that she's just about 11 months. Those first 7-8 months were hard and frustrating for me. I never thought anything was wrong with her but I got angry plenty of times. I didn't take it out on her and the logic in me knows she doesn't know any better, but when she'd wake every.single.hour all night, it made me mad. (She just did this a few nights ago).

Sometimes I've looked her in the face and asked her why she doesn't sleep better. It's mostly to relieve tension and remind me that she is a little person, not just "a baby". I don't scream at her or look angry and she smiled and me so we hugged and tickled. You don't get that feedback from a newborn and I understand how you feel "used" at times.

Keep in mind I really didn't feel this way with my other babies....it is just the situation.

The other day I was watching her play and getting teary-eyed that she's almost 11 months...and in the same breath I was so thankful she isn't 5 months old anymore! It's been a hard year....

[LessTraveledBy]

Don't want to take this completely OT, but since my post has been quoted twice now...

I figure it is self evident that when there are two (or more) kids in the family, sometimes, maybe often, one has to wait. Even more so it is a good idea to leave a baby to cry if the other option seems to be some sort of violence.

However, I don't see how it is helpful for a new mom to say "Yeap, you will not be able to do things up to your standards." (That is the vibe I am getting here.) Instead, I think it is important to offer ideas that a tired mom may not have thought of and to support the idea that most times a mom indeed can keep both mom and baby satisfied enough. And when this is not possible, one needs to look fo help. Yes, it may take some getting used to to find new ways to make things work, etc., but I would assume that is still the goal.

Maybe in this situation either the partner, or possibly someone else, needs to help more. If the meals are in the fridge, waiting, it is quite different compared to needing to make them from scratch. However, I simply fail to see why more than one hand is needed for eating and this is what I was referring to, not any of the other more serious matters.

I think it is very possibly true that I just don't get it. In that case, I apologize and will remove myself from this conversation. (This is, however, in "Stay at home parents", not in PPD.) I also had a baby who did not want to be put down, nursed frequently at night, etc. The sleep deprivation really does do a number on a person. I guess I just have to accept that we are all very different as persons and that is that. I can also very much agree that we are not meant to do this all alone. That also means, that in some other societies we would have the experience of being the helper before giving birth which, in turn, would prepare us for the different realities of life with a baby.

[karanyavel]

I can relate.

My first baby was super easy, but 7 years later, I had another.

#2 had terrible colic, screaming day and night (or so it seemed) non-stop no matter what I did. DH and I got a ton of exercise walking back and forth all over our apartment, gently bouncing her and trying to calm her. She definitely cried less when we did this, but never seemed happy or calm unless she was asleep.

This went on for weeks... it started around 2 weeks old I think and continued in full force until she was about 3 months old. It was a terrible experience. We tried almost everything with very little success, but eventually it was over.

Anyway, I remember well when DH was at work, occasionally (maybe once every 3-4 hours of crying), I simply had no choice other than to put her down and go out on the balcony with the glass doors shut to have just a little peace and quiet.. just for 5 minutes or so. It was absolutely necessary to maintain my sanity.

That said, I agree with a PP that in time, the OP will learn ways to do things while holding/wearing her baby. Babywearing never worked for me but I did learn all kinds of ways to do things while holding DD. I started by learning to use the computer while holding/nursing her, and eventually I could even do things like washing dishes or laundry with DD snuggled on my hip with my arm around her. But it took time to figure all of this out and it was a long, frustrating process.

--K

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Having negative feelings toward souch a young infant is definitely a sign of ppd. At 6 weeks they pretty much do need to be held constantly.
PPD is NOT your fault. The hormones can really make some people mental!

notaclue,
I just wanted you to consider this as a reason. I threw it out there because your baby is only 6 weeks old and you said facebook is getting tired of it, so I was thinking it might be a daily feeling that there is a lot of help for and also for you to know it will pass. Even if you are not depressed the hormones right now are CRAZY! There are tremendous physical changes taking place in your body. It is hard to go from one to two and never get a rest.
You got mad at the fact that you never get a break and you scared the baby. You realize how terrible it made you feel, came on here and posted about it and probably wont do it again.
It is perfectly NORMAL to get mad at the situation. Everyone does sometimes.
The part about getting mad at the baby was what made me think maybe you have a touch of ppd. I think a lot of women have it or had it and dont know.

[mamazee]

The first six weeks are the hardest, then it gets easier again at 3 months, easier yet at 6 months, and easier yet at a year. It will get much, much easier, so don't fret that this is the rest of your life. Being a mother is forever, but this period of incredible neediness and helplessness is only temporary.

I agree that ideally you would figure out how to hold the baby and eat at the same time, and my guess is that you will work that out before long, but the baby will not be "broken" if you eat and have the baby lie next to you and coo at him from time to time while you eat. Babies do cry, even under the best circumstances, and sometimes you have to muddle through the best you can. He'll be OK.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy

However, I simply fail to see why more than one hand is needed for eating and this is what I was referring to, not any of the other more serious matters.

It's not that it takes more than one hand to eat, its that sometimes, when mama needs to eat (again, NOT a 45minute 3 course meal - 5 minutes to scarf a sandwich), it requires more than one hand to comfort the baby. I've been in situations where my ds needed me to devote both my hands to comforting him, and I was so starving that I just had to eat right then (before passing out - in which case I would have been NO use to him!) and he got to cry for 5 minutes. I felt horribly guilty, and felt like the worst mom in the entire world - but looking back, it didn't hurt him. I shouldn't have felt guilty for taking care of my immediate need to eat.

[3xMama]

Babies cry and babies fret and new babies can make life HARD. Esp if when its your first and you just don't know what to do and how to do it all and suddenly this little innocent child is demanding all your attention and all you want is a shower, a sandwich and five minutes alone-something you may not have had in a day or two or more. I remember very vividly being in the same situation as you. I was tired and hungry and just wanted a minute to eat. But DD had other ideas and was screaming at me. I got angry and stomped around and yelled to DH about how I couldn't do it anymore. Then I picked her up and she was fine. And I felt awful, just awful about the whole thing. In reality, I was tired, hungry and I needed a little bit of personal time. That's not a bad thing. And once I got that, my perspective on life was much better and I was able to be a better mommy to my kiddo.

I do agree that a lot of anger and frustration followed by long periods of beating yourself up over what has happened can be a sign of PPD. If this is just a one time thing, well, snapping is part of being human. It comes with the territory. It'll happen again. But if are you suspecting PPD, do contact your ob/mw and get a recommendation for a therapist who works with PPD. There are some great books by Kathleen Kendall-Tackett and lots of info online if you have a few spare minutes to look it up. If nothing else you could get a quick symptom checklist and decide from there if you need to contact a professional.

No matter what, there is a huge amount of adjustment going on in your life. It will take some time to learn how to juggle everything and find out what works for you. But you will find it. For me, the swing was a lifesaver. It put my kids to sleep and I had some baby free time to shower and relax a little. Wearing DS was also helpful when I needed to get things done and he wanted mama. Don't be afraid to set up a time w/ your DP where he takes the baby and you take an hour or two to go out to the store or you get some extra sleep in an empty home while he and baby have some bonding time. I need that kind of thing to stay sane.

You are by no means a monster and your baby is NOT broken. Please don't beat yourself up for being human.

[kayleesmom]

have you thought about going to see your doc about getting some meds maybe zoloft for post partum depression. i found it helped me a ton. and no you are not a horrible mom.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy

I am really saddened by the idea that some (esp. here) would be ok leaving a baby to cry for any amount of time.

I think learning how to do many things at once is one of the musts of motherhood... eating a spoon full here and there, eating with one hand while holding baby with the other, etc. Also, like others have said, learning how to use a sling or wrap can be really helpful.

Try to find little things which you enjoy and can look forward to every day, while most likely needing to hold your baby at the same time.

NO ONE said that it is something that they enjoy doing. But for cripes sake, sometimes, Mama HAS to come first.

A baby crying for the two minutes it takes to pee and wash hands, or the 5 minutes it may take to shower, is NOT neglecting the baby.

A baby wailing for hours on end? Of course.

Let's keep it in perspective. Please.

[TabithaB]

Cease and desist on the whole beating yourself up thing. My little one has to just fuss a bit (I am talking a few minutes) while I am taking care of me sometimes. It doesn't hurt for them to whine (or cry) while you wolf down some yogurt or fix yourself something to drink. That is taking care of them in a sense. Don't be a mommy martyr. You have to take care of you.

I totally know what you are feeling. Couple of days ago my 5 week old daughter was up (bright eyed and bushy tailed) at 5:30 in the morning. After a nursing marathon the night before. Argh. She decided to go wacky while I went to go to the bathroom and get something to drink. It is frustrating when that happens and it seems like you can't move fast enough. (Especially that early on little sleep).

My advice would be to first and foremost be gentle on yourself.

Get a wrap. They can be a lifesaver. They keep me from being trapped on the couch. I love mine. I can go about my business. Just this afternoon, we were rocking out, listening to music, dancing around and cleaning the kitchen. She loves it. They are clingy and helpless at this age. A Moby (or whatever wrap/carrier you prefer) can alleviate the frustration from that. And it can help you to put some fun back in your day.

I had to learn to sleep when she sleeps also. (My husband cracks me up. He always says smoke while you got em.) **BTW. We are non smokers**

[Kuba'sMama]

My first one was never "allowed" to cry. I was on it! Mama martyr all the way. Bathroom? I don't need a bathroom! My baby might pout, and we can't have it! I'm super mom!
Now? She is allowed to pout. She is allowed to fuss. And, I get there AS SOON AS I CAN. But if I *need* a moment, I take it. If baby is less than happy, but i know that I need to take 10 minutes to have my coffee and even read something, and my sanity hinges on that break, I take it. Now, I usually don't take a break when my baby is purple-face screaming. But sometimes i do need a moment when she is fussing. Because I know that it will most likely take about half an hour or so to put her to sleep (or whatever). And I can't wait that long for my break. And you know what? It's ok. I am a person, not a robot. I have feelings, I have needs.
My theory is that a lot of PPD might have something to do with this unrealistic standard of being perfect and "ON" all.the.time. It's almost like moms these days try to one-up each other of how perfectly they meet their babies' needs, putting themselves dead last. That's not AP in my opinion, not if mom is unwashed, starved and holding a full bladder. But that's just my opinion. Oh, and OP.. your baby is def. not broken! You're doing a great job

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

My first one was never "allowed" to cry. I was on it! Mama martyr all the way. Bathroom? I don't need a bathroom! My baby might pout, and we can't have it! I'm super mom!
Now? She is allowed to pout. She is allowed to fuss. And, I get there AS SOON AS I CAN. But if I *need* a moment, I take it. If baby is less than happy, but i know that I need to take 10 minutes to have my coffee and even read something, and my sanity hinges on that break, I take it. Now, I usually don't take a break when my baby is purple-face screaming. But sometimes i do need a moment when she is fussing. Because I know that it will most likely take about half an hour or so to put her to sleep (or whatever). And I can't wait that long for my break. And you know what? It's ok. I am a person, not a robot. I have feelings, I have needs.
My theory is that a lot of PPD might have something to do with this unrealistic standard of being perfect and "ON" all.the.time. It's almost like moms these days try to one-up each other of how perfectly they meet their babies' needs, putting themselves dead last. That's not AP in my opinion, not if mom is unwashed, starved and holding a full bladder. But that's just my opinion. Oh, and OP.. your baby is def. not broken! You're doing a great job

I love this post so much, I wanted to repost it.
ITA!