When DH says no more kids ... does he ever change his mind? ;)

[LittleGriff]

We have a 3 yr old and an 1.5 yr old. We both work very full-time. DH says 2 kids is it. Totally reasonable number. I feel lucky for two healthy fabulous kiddos. Pre-kids 2 is all I thought I would want. Many days now I think 2 is all I can handle. And yet ...

I desperately want more kids. My ideal number is 4. I never thought I would feel this way. And they are still young. I still have plenty more solid child bearing years ahead of me. Maybe when #2 turns 5 DH will miss having a baby around the house? (Maybe I won't want more at that point.) Point being, I think it's a little early to worry too much about this, but I obsess about it daily. I'm driving DH crazy. We've been married for 7 years. I'm pretty sure he is definitely NOT going to change his mind. Nagging him does not help, for sure! But I want the big jolly family I never had! (I had a perfectly lovely but small family. He had a bigger family and didn't find it very jolly I adore my sister and wish I had more siblings. I want my kids to have that.

So I'm just curious, I'm sure there are others out there who've been in a similar spot. Did your husband change his mind? Did you? Did you agree to disagree? I don't see any good compromise on this one ...

(btw - DH says he would be totally happy to have more kids if we were independently wealthy. He hates working for money and living for money. He wants to start up his career in fine art and not feel pressured to keep salaried jobs. So technically, maybe if I'm at a point in my career in a few years to support the family and have more babies (ack!), he would relent. But changing dirty diapers gets in the way of your studio time, ya know? We only live once which for him means no more kids! and for me means more kids now, before the ovaries give up!)

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by LittleGriff

We have a 3 yr old and an 1.5 yr old. We both work very full-time. DH says 2 kids is it. Totally reasonable number. I feel lucky for two healthy fabulous kiddos. Pre-kids 2 is all I thought I would want. Many days now I think 2 is all I can handle. And yet ...

I desperately want more kids. My ideal number is 4. I never thought I would feel this way. And they are still young. I still have plenty more solid child bearing years ahead of me. Maybe when #2 turns 5 DH will miss having a baby around the house? (Maybe I won't want more at that point.) Point being, I think it's a little early to worry too much about this, but I obsess about it daily. I'm driving DH crazy. We've been married for 7 years. I'm pretty sure he is definitely NOT going to change his mind. Nagging him does not help, for sure! But I want the big jolly family I never had! (I had a perfectly lovely but small family. He had a bigger family and didn't find it very jolly I adore my sister and wish I had more siblings. I want my kids to have that.

So I'm just curious, I'm sure there are others out there who've been in a similar spot. Did your husband change his mind? Did you? Did you agree to disagree? I don't see any good compromise on this one ...

(btw - DH says he would be totally happy to have more kids if we were independently wealthy. He hates working for money and living for money. He wants to start up his career in fine art and not feel pressured to keep salaried jobs. So technically, maybe if I'm at a point in my career in a few years to support the family and have more babies (ack!), he would relent. But changing dirty diapers gets in the way of your studio time, ya know? We only live once which for him means no more kids! and for me means more kids now, before the ovaries give up!)

There is no compromise. Think about it: either he "wins" and you have no more children or you "win" and have the children, which your husband may adore or, if you find yourself, as a family, more strapped for time or finances and not able to do the things you want to do, and could easily swing with just two kids, resent those "additional" children. If you become pregnant "accidentally--on purpose", you are gambling. Another alternative given is to divorce your husband in hopes of finding another man to have more babies with. But, that would mean breaking up your current family. I know that biologically, when our babies are about 1 1/2, we get an urge to have another. (I'm there right now, myself after having my third, who was a surprise after accepting that I'd only have the 2, who were 6 and 8 when she was born, I find myself longing for a fourth. Here's what I'm doing in the next sentence). Talk to your husband about it, then shelve the idea of another baby for a couple years. Personally, I won't leave my husband in hopes of finding someone to have another baby with. That isn't fair to the three I have.

[MisaGoat]

Yes, he may change his mind. But I think he has to come to that decision without being pestered. He can know how you feel and discuss it but you don't want him to change his mind based on 'caving' to you but because he honestly would like a larger family.

My husband recently changed his mind on the number of children he wanted and he came to that decision after I got laid off. We were both working full time and juggling preschool and babysitters for our son (I am pregnant with #2 now). Then I got laid off. Which turned out to be great because he realized that we can manage with less money fairly easily, especially without child care expenses and also how much he liked me being home more. I did get a per diem job, so I work a few shifts a month now and he was actually complaining that I was going to work earlier this week.

He also had similar concerns about finding time for his writing and music while maintaining a 'day job' and concluded that we weren't holding him back and that he wanted more children.

So yes it is possible that he will change his mind but he may not. I had accepted that we would only have two children and felt a little sad about it. I had convinced him not to get a vasectomy after this baby arrives and felt that was enough of a compromise for the next several years. I am thrilled that he changed his mind.

[Drummer's Wife]

He may change his mind; give him some space and time.

My DH was content with one, and then felt pretty done with two.

We are now TTC #5, so I'd say there's hope.

[texmati]

my husband flip flops all the time. after my son was born, he started making 'one and done' comments.

Yesterday we were driving to wm, and he stated that 4 was his limit. I'm pregnant with spd, and was thinking that sure, we could have 4 if he was willing to gestate the last two.

I firmly believe that one no is a no, when it comes to having kids, so I'd ask him to table the discussion for a while.

[berry987]

My DH always thought he'd have two kids. We have three and are trying for a fourth. I always wanted four. There was no pressuring, no "accidental" pregnancies....I've just told him my "vision" of a family of six and he thought it sounded kind of nice, too. He comes from a small family and I come from a big one, so giving him an idea of how fun it was growing up in a big family really helped. And of course, every time our youngest does something adorable I say "how sad would it be if we never got to go through this phase again?"

You know, as far as the money thing goes...is it really that much more expensive to raise three kids rather than two? I mean, sure, if you plan to pay for 4 years at a private university, that's a big chunk of change, but it doesn't seem like it gets equally more expensive with each additional kid. You already have the gear, clothes, food to feed a family, the car that's big enough for kids, etc. Just a thought.

[PPK]

Dh decided on one and that's the end of that discussion.

He's similar to your guy in that he needs his freedom to pursue other passions as well, and quite frankly, with more kids, he wouldn't be able to!

So no, I know its possible some guys are very non-negotiable!

[rivkah]

My DH changed his mind after 10 years. Of course, you may change your mind! Once you get in a comfortable space with kids who bathe and feed themselves etc., things may seem different.

[JudiAU]

DH has always said 2. We have 2. He keeps saying two.

He also says he knows "I will win" but he won't yet admit that he wants another.

His latest argument has been population control. I said, seriously, you must be about to give in if that is the best you can due.

But I know men how are vary serious about the numbers.

[pregnant@40]

Originally Posted by MisaGoat

Yes, he may change his mind. But I think he has to come to that decision without being pestered. He can know how you feel and discuss it but you don't want him to change his mind based on 'caving' to you but because he honestly would like a larger family.

I totally agree, you need to stop the nagging. Men HATE it & don't respond to it positively at all.

[LittleGriff]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40

I totally agree, you need to stop the nagging. Men HATE it & don't respond to it positively at all.

: ) Well, nagging might not have been the right word. More like frequent mention of how wonderful it would be to have another! Trust me, there will be no caving on his part, unless he means it. Ha.

Enjoying all the stories ...

(And for the would 3 be more expensive than 2? We currently pay more than a private school tuition on childcare each year and would really need to move to a bigger house if we had more kids. Childcare and rent/real estate are very expensive in our part of the world. Having more kids would definitely raise/extend that bill.)

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by berry987

My DH always thought he'd have two kids. We have three and are trying for a fourth. I always wanted four. There was no pressuring, no "accidental" pregnancies....I've just told him my "vision" of a family of six and he thought it sounded kind of nice, too. He comes from a small family and I come from a big one, so giving him an idea of how fun it was growing up in a big family really helped. And of course, every time our youngest does something adorable I say "how sad would it be if we never got to go through this phase again?"

You know, as far as the money thing goes...is it really that much more expensive to raise three kids rather than two? I mean, sure, if you plan to pay for 4 years at a private university, that's a big chunk of change, but it doesn't seem like it gets equally more expensive with each additional kid. You already have the gear, clothes, food to feed a family, the car that's big enough for kids, etc. Just a thought.

I think it is. When you do things like travel, airfare goes up a lot, eating out, going to see movies, those things add up really quickly...not to mention things like lessons/classes/field trips, etc.

I really want to travel more, go on cruises, etc.. and can't imagine ever affording it with more than 2 children. If we become wealthy some day i'll have more though

[NSmomtobe]

It could go either way. We currently have 1 and I want another but he doesn't. However, I am not ready for a second yet... I'm thinking I'll want to start ttc next summer, so I am not really talking about it seriously to Dh at this point. (I do say things like, "when we have our next child..." or "someday we can take/tell our kids..." which causes him to roll his eyes and/or laugh but I don't push or dwell on the topic.) I won't bring it up again before I am ready for another one and I'll see how he feels at that time.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by MisaGoat

Yes, he may change his mind. But I think he has to come to that decision without being pestered.

Yup! DH was happy with three and I expressed myself in the matter (long story, short) and we now have four and I'm 99.9% sure we're done.

There was no way I'd feel comfortable "talking him into it". I had to let him brew it on his own.

[LittleBattleAxe]

touchy subject. I think sometimes we (collectively) forget to revel in the families we have and dwell on the ones we want.

[Lizbiz]

I'd say don't count on changing your husband's mind. But they do change their minds. So it could happen - but I wouldn't hinge my happiness on it.

My husband and I are more of like mind when it comes to kids - but we face the reality of a two-parent working family and childcare expenses, etc. We'll have more (we have 2 and would like, well, an indefinite number more - maybe 3 more at the most, I think) - but the when is the tricky part for us. I don't want to wait too long because I'm 33 now and I know that as you get older it can be harder to conceive. My husband would like a bit more space between #2 and #3 to allow us to meet some career goals in the meantime. We'll see what happens. My daughter is only 10 months - so I'm not too anxious yet.

I think the key here (for us at least) is to stay in a healthy dialogue about it and if you are a person of prayer (I'm not preaching to those who aren't, just mentioning it for those who are), taking this discernment intentionally to prayer.

I do think, especially as a working mom, that additional kids are more expensive. If a parent stays home, an additional child is less expensive. Childcare is very expensive.

For us, we're not so worried about going on cruises, etc, and we're also not of the belief that you must provide your child's entire college education for them in order to justify having the child in the first place. I think it's ok to have a child without planning to fund their Yale education. Or even their community college education. That's not irresponsible. And multiple kids can share a room - I come from a family of 15 kids (yep, 15) and I am number 15. I am glad my parents continued to have children, or I would not be here. My husband is from a family of 7, and they were even poorer than my family. We are extremely rich in many ways as a family, however, and all of us went to college. And we were and still are two big happy families.

All that to say - I do get that everyone is different and very few of us are called to have really really big families ala my family - I just want to give some perspective on some of the comments here. I get a little sad sometimes thinking that people have fewer children because they can't 'afford' them. I also live in China, where this is absolutely standard. No one can fathom how we are raising 2 children and making it financially, because now the society and culture are so skewed into believing you have to financially provide everything (up to and including their first house and car when they get married) for your one child.

This is a bit off topic but hopefully relevant. And, my husband is also an artist (musician) and we constantly struggle with how to make it all fit together - so I know it's not so simple as just 'have the kids and it'll all be fine' - having kids demands your time and money and really - they demand tremendous sacrifice. Right now for us, that means I'm working full time (which I also love to do, but it's a sacrifice not to always be with my little ones).

Interesting thread...

[mommyabroad]

I said no more for a while, then he said no more for a while (we are talking years here) and then I asked him to cancel three vasectomy appointments and voila, we both were in agreement and now we have a baby girl.

[jess152]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein 

I had to let him brew it on his own.

That's my approach, currently. DH was definitely done and I thought I'd be done after two, but now find myself longing for a third. It's been that way for several months, so finally I got the courage to casually mention it to him. I know it threw him for a loop, but he makes comments here and there, so I know he's brewing!

[Izzy's Mom]

Yes, it really costs more to raise three kids instead of 2. And four instead of 3. Etc.

Of course if you live completely minimally you might find there is little difference, but for us a third child meant a bigger car - literally couldn't make the carseats (any carseat brand) work three across. And with a fourth obviously that would be even more necessary.

Most gear can be handed down but eventually they all need a bed and maybe a dresser. For clothes hand-me-downs aren't a long-term solution. Well not in my house - 3yo's handed down well, but my 9yo wears his clothes past handing down (big holes, stains, etc) I give up after 3 knee patch jobs, lol. For winter outerwear I have to buy for my 6 and 9 year old each year, and sometimes two sets of boots. They grow and grow and we just don't always have things in the right sizes on hand. And food? The costs definitely go up with more kids. We go through so much stuff some weeks it is insane - and they aren't even at teenage stage yet!

And quality of life can be important - you decide if you want to be able to offer certain things to the kids you have or if offering them another sibling is enough. My kids like swimming and kung-fu, and they like occasional vacations - things that we can still afford with 3, but that we decided would have to go if we had another child. Other costs that go up with every child: education savings, school fees/supplies, home utility bills (more hot water used), childcare costs - even just for date nights, sitters charge more for 3 kids quite often. The list just keeps growing!

Anyway - not to be a negative nelly, but I know for us three changed the ballgame financially and I think it's dangerous to downplay the financial aspect.

Originally Posted by berry987 


You know, as far as the money thing goes...is it really that much more expensive to raise three kids rather than two? I mean, sure, if you plan to pay for 4 years at a private university, that's a big chunk of change, but it doesn't seem like it gets equally more expensive with each additional kid. You already have the gear, clothes, food to feed a family, the car that's big enough for kids, etc. Just a thought.

[zinemama]

OP, I think you need to listen really, really carefully to what your dh is saying.

If you are home with the kids and he is working a job, you are both working, of course. But the pressure on him, as the breadwinner, is a whole different ball of wax than the pressure on you, with the luxury of staying home (and I say this as a sahm). Perhaps it would be different if your dh loved his job and felt fulfilled by it. But he doesn't. He hates working for money. He has a dream to do something different. If you were to have two more kids, what would that condemn him to? Working more for more money. Because, as pp have pointed out, it costs a whole heck of a lot more to raise four kids than two.

Think about that. Think about whether two theoretical kids - when you already have two - are worth in effect forcing your husband to keep doing something he doesn't want to do. How's that going to be for your marriage? I would forsee an awful lot of bitterness on his part and guilt on yours. Sometimes you have to give up something you want for the sake of something else - your marriage, in this case. I think this is one of those times.

My advice: drop the subject altogether. It's possible he will independently decide he'd like another couple of kids. But if I were you, I wouldn't count on it.