Child tried to steal a small toy from our house

[pianojazzgirl]

So... how does one navigate this scenario?

Two of dd's friends came over for a playdate after school. One is her best friend and the other is a new friend/neighbour who we've recently starting car pooling with (I'll call him "E").

So today shortly after they arrived at our place dd started showing her bag of goodies/toys that she had collected from her b-day pinata. E wasn't invited to the b-day because at that point we hadn't started car pooling yet, and so they hadn't yet become friends. Dd wanted to share some of her pinata stash with E since he hadn't been there for the party. So she started doling out various little things, including some silly bandz. Ds (who's 3) was looking on and was getting upset that she wasn't giving him anything. I reminded him that he had his own "pinata bag" which I found for him. When we looked through it we realized that he had lost or misplaced his silly bandz. Dd was nice enough to give him one of hers - one in the shape of a pink guitar.

So. Fast forward to the very end of the playdate...

Ds decides to start going through his pinata bag again. Then E swoops in takes it from ds and says he just wants to see what's in it. He kind of rummages around in it for a while and then suddenly has, in addition to the two silly bandz he got from dd, a pink guitar shaped silly bandz on his wrist. Hmm. Ds starts freaking out that it's his silly bandz.

Now, insert the complication that E only speaks French which is my 2nd language that I am not entirely fluent in...

I ask E why he is wearing ds's silly bandz and ask him to please give it back. He protests that it is actually his silly bandz. He says that a friend at school gave it to him. I ask him which friend. He gives a name. I say "so on Monday, when I pick you up from school and I ask *friend* about it, she'll tell me the same story?". Then he says "actually I found it in the toy box over there" (as he points across the room). Uh yeah. Right. Whatever. So he gives it back to ds, and we move on to getting coats on as it's time to go.

I was a) kind of at a loss in how to deal with it in the first place, and b) handicapped by the language issue, and all the things I might have said in English I couldn't think of how to say in French. Argh.

So what do you think? What else could I or should I have said? And more importantly, how to deal with this in the future? Do I need to watch over the kids like a hawk to prevent any future sticky-finger issues? Is this something I should talk to his parents about, or just let it drop for now and keep an eye out?

Any BTDT advice or thoughts appreciated! Thanks mamas.

[Smithie]

Sounds like you handled it perfectly! I'm not sure it's even necessary to tell the mom about this one incident, but you need to mention it if it becomes a pattern.

My ds tended to swipe small objects when he was younger (3-4), and I was always very grateful to the people who would call him on it and remove the object before he left their house. I HATED it when he "got away" with stealing an item, I feel like it sent the total wrong message. It happened this year at summer camp (when he was 6, the first time in a long time) and I was very frustrated to hear that the counselors were not able to find the item and return it, with much pomp and fanfare, to its rightful owner. I really think that young children need to see their error corrected when it comes to stealing, and you did that! Good job.

A more general comment: my mother would have not allowed me to drag out my stash of party goodies in front of a kid who had not attended the party, and I would not allow my own children to do so. Talking about parties that other kids have not attended and pulling out give-away items are just bad ideas in a social situation among kids. That's something you can talk about with your own kids, so that they understand the potential for creating jealousy and bad feelings and learn (over time, with repeated lessons) not to create this kind of situation in the future.

[pianojazzgirl]

Thanks for your input mama!

FWIW regarding the pinata stuff, dd only pulled it out so that she could give some to E. She wishes she had invited him to the party (but, of course, barely knew him at the time). I do absolutely agree with you that it is not at all nice to bring things out just to parade in front of a kid who was left out for what ever reason. Thanks for posting about it, it reminds me that dd and I could have another conversation about it, just as a reminder.

[St. Margaret]

I think that was sweet of your daughter, very considerate, and that you handled the silly bandz issue perfectly. I'm not sure you need to follow up on it, unless you see if occurring again. I think that's pretty age-typical, from what I hear from other parents.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I ask E why he is wearing ds's silly bandz and ask him to please give it back. He protests that it is actually his silly bandz. He says that a friend at school gave it to him. I ask him which friend. He gives a name. I say "so on Monday, when I pick you up from school and I ask *friend* about it, she'll tell me the same story?". Then he says "actually I found it in the toy box over there" (as he points across the room). Uh yeah. Right. Whatever. So he gives it back to ds, and we move on to getting coats on as it's time to go.

The only part I would change is here - but it's hard to get this stuff perfect when you're on the spot. I wouldn't ask so many leading questions which lead the kid into more lies. Just remain firm that those were DS's silly bands, and empathize - you must really like Silly Bandz, but it's time to give them back, etc. Lying and stealing aren't unusual, but I think it's better not to try to "trap" kids in more lies. Just be straightforward.

Otherwise, hey, it's a tough situation. You did good.

[Needle in the Hay]

And instead of asking WHY he had on your son's silly band it would have been a lot easier on him to just state that your DS needs it back now in a way that sounded like E was just trying it on or borrowing it for a few. He still gets the message that he's not as slick as he thought but without feeling suspected, which is important, IMO.

[pianojazzgirl]

Thanks wise mamas.

My thoughts at the time were something like: "ack ack I can't believe he did that... what do I do???" With a dose of mama bear: "not in my house he ain't" and "not my kid's silly bandz!". Add: "play it cool, don't escalate into a big discussion, just let him know that you know it's ds's and he needs to give it back". Mixed with a huge amount of: "how do I say that in French?!?, lol!

I feel much better equipped to deal with a similar situation now. Thank you!

[NiteNicole]

He still gets the message that he's not as slick as he thought but without feeling suspected, which is important, IMO.

I disagree. He should know he's busted and if he feels embarrassed then oh well. I wouldn't set out to humiliate him, but he needs to know that taking things is wrong and feeling bad is a consequence.

There's a 14 year old in my family who keeps taking things from my daughter. When we "met" he was six and everyone was so careful around him because "it's just a phase" and "we don't want to embarrass him" - and now he's a 14 year old who takes things from my four year old. People should have been less concerned about not making a scene and more concerned about putting a stop to this habit because now my four year old is having her DVDs and games broken and stolen and that's not fair.

OP, I think you did fine. If you catch him taking something again, I'd say it's time to stop having him over.

[greenmulberry]

When I was 7, I tried to steal a jelly bracelet from a girl I was playing with.

She busted me as I was going home (the girl, not the parent) It was my first foray into taking something that wasn't mine and I was so mortified to be caught and embarrassed, that I never ever stole anything again.