Should I let DD make sacrifices for me?

[Daffodil]

The other day, DS (almost 5) wanted me to play a game with him, just when I had hoped to spend an hour doing some work. He was upset because DD (7 1/2) didn't want to play with him, and when I said I didn't want to either, he started gearing up to throw a fit. It was clear that he was going to cry and yell and whine at me while I was trying to work, so I wouldn't end up getting anything done. When I started talking about how frustrated and stressed out I was because I had spent the whole day up till then doing stuff with the kids and I was going to be taking them out to more activities later on, and I just wanted one hour to myself, DD said, "You just go on upstairs and I'll take care of him," and she told DS she'd play the game with him. I thanked her for making that sacrifice, and went upstairs, but I felt guilty about it. She really didn't want to play with DS - she had something else in mind she wanted to do.

Should I let her give up what she wants so I can get what I want? Partly I think that's something people in a family need to be willing to do for each other sometimes, and it's great that she's already mature and empathetic enough to do it. But partly I think she's too young to take on the burden of keeping the rest of us happy, and I shouldn't ask her to, especially when she's the only kid who's going to be making sacrifices. DS sure isn't going be offering to give up anything he wants anytime soon. She's a people pleaser, and maybe a bit too quick to do what will make other people happy, and I'm not sure I should encourage that. But I don't want to encourage her to be selfish, either, and I don't want to be the only one in the family ever to make any sacrifices.

I'm just not sure what's right, so I'm interested in hearing what other people think. Is it okay to let a 7-8 year old give up what she wants to make other people happy? Is it okay to ask her to do it?

[SilverLace]

I think that you are teaching your DS that when he throws a fit he gets his way.

I think it normal in a family with more than one kid that kids take turns being flexible and accommodating other kids.... but if it's a one way street then that's a problem.

I guess I think in the end it's my job as the parent to work out as solution that works for everyone. It's reasonable for you to have an hour to work on stuff (although, when I had a five year old an hour was pushing it), and it's reasonable for your DD to have some say over how she spends her time.

[Nicole730]

In this particular instance, it sounds like DD made the decision herself. I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to help you out for one hour. If it's repeated sacrifice on her part and you are constantly asking her to do it, that's a different story.

[Lisa1970]

Yes! Do let her!!

Then later, take her out for a girls night! She sounds just like my daughter. She sounds just lovely. And obviously, she has a sense of responsibility and empathy, which is good. She already knows that people always need to give and take and "sacrifice" for each other. And through her doing this for her brother, well, she will be closer to him in the end, be a better parent, a better friend, better wife...there is nothing bad here. Sounds like she is already a great person.

My daughter and I often go to La Madeline for a girls times out, but we also might stop by the book store or something. She also likes Olive Garden, but I don't, but we go there sometimes.

[GuildJenn]

Given that we want to teach our kids to be caring, responsive, and responsible kids, why wouldn't you?

I do agree you need to make sure she also gets to be the recipient sometimes.

[CarrieMF]

I think that you are teaching your DS that when he throws a fit he gets his way.

I think so too, IF this is an ongoing issue(him throwing a fit if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it).

At 5 your son is old enough to know that if someone doesn't want to play with him right now he can go off & do something else instead of throwing a fit.

It was clear that he was going to cry and yell and whine at me while I was trying to work, so I wouldn't end up getting anything done

My kids could cry, yell & whine but they certainly would not be doing it AT me. They would be in their rooms until they were ready to stop. I may be able to hear it but it wouldn't be in my face so I couldn't work.

In my family if my child continued to throw a fit(crying/whining) long enough(definitly over 30minutes, not saying that your child would go that long) that child would not be going on the activities I'd planned in the afternoon.

What your dd did was nice, but I'd make sure it isn't a pattern forming.
I agree with the pp who suggested doing something just with your dd.

[MacKinnon]

As an occasional kindness, I think it's wonderful! However, I would watch for a pattern. In our house this has gotten complex because DS ALWAYS gives in to DD in these situations. Like 100% of the time. We've had to try to teach him that it's OK to say no to her, or to choose something else, or to not give her the X just because she's crying. He has a very strong visceral dislike of crying/screaming/yelling and responds empathetically and kindly to both baby DD and his big sister. I love his empathy and intention, but he nearly never stands up to what he wants to do, but gives in to his sister, who is really having an inappropriate tantrum JUST to get her way. We do not accommodate her tantrums and have her go to her room until she can ask/react/interact appropriately.

[ameliabedelia]

I think it's totally fine for her to make sacrifices for you. That is what being in a family and having close relationships is all about. And, I don't think it's quite fair to say that your 5-yo never makes sacrifices. Hasn't he ever been dragged around to her activities, or forced to go with you someplace that was for her? You certainly make plenty of sacrifices for your children....playing with her little brother for an hour so you can get some work done, doesn't seem like a major sacrifice at all. In fact, I'd be willing to bet, she might even enjoy it. I think learning how to accept help and give help is such an important lesson to learn...turning down an offer of help is just going to discourage her from asking next time.

[Daffodil]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

At 5 your son is old enough to know that if someone doesn't want to play with him right now he can go off & do something else instead of throwing a fit.

We're working on that. It's something he has a really hard time with. It's his biggest issue, in fact. There are times when he can handle it with just a bit of sulking, but there are a lot of times when he can't. And our house is so small that it's really not possible for me just to go off and work and not be affected by his yelling and crying. Also, I like to set the example of trying to work out a solution we can all live with instead of just saying, "I don't care what you want, I'm doing what I want." Of course, the nicest solution to the problem would have been for DS to accept that DD and I both had other things we wanted to do and go off and do something else, but he just doesn't seem capable of that most of the time. A big part of what bothers me about this particular situation is that DS was the main cause of the problem, but DD was the one who stepped in to solve it. But no matter how much I might want the kids to take turns making sacrifices, there's no way that can happen right now - DS just isn't old enough. (He's not quite 5 yet.)

[Daffodil]

Originally Posted by ameliabedelia

And, I don't think it's quite fair to say that your 5-yo never makes sacrifices. Hasn't he ever been dragged around to her activities, or forced to go with you someplace that was for her?

You know, you're right. That's a good thing for me to keep in mind. The poor kid has spent a lot of time being dragged along to things that were really for DD, and being forced to stay at them even if he was bored.

[2xy]

You know, this is tangential, but I get really tired of hearing people say, "At five (or nine, or 13), he's old enough to [fill in the blank]."

When did people become standardized? I could say that "At 36, she's old enough to know how to tip properly," or "At 28, he's old enough to know how to parallel park."

Some people take longer to "get" things than other people do. Some never "get" it at all.

5yo is still very young, and no, not all 5yo's can suppress their hurts and frustrations and channel it towards something productive. Jeez....I know adults who have trouble with that.

[ssh]

My almost 5 year old is going through an emotional phase and is more likely to get upset when disappointed than usual. I think your DSs behavior is normal for that age. I also think it was fine that your DD was empathetic and decided to play with him.

[momofmine]

Yeah, I think I still have trouble with that at times! And certainly so do both of my kids, who are older than your five year old even. I do think it is a balance, and I think you just have to keep talking about it, and we are all learning and growing together. I have a 5 year span between my kids, so it is very easy for me to just "expect" my older child to shoulder up and do what I need him to do because my little one isn't there yet. So I try to be cognizant of the fact that he is still a kid too, and I an't expect him to be an adult. I think this is just common with the first child, so we have to make sure we are aware of it.

So I just try to always be conscious, knowing that yes, there will be times that I need to make an important phone call or get some work done for our household that I just need my older child to play with the younger one, knowing that I am asking it as a favor, and saying thank you. I don't do it that often. I don't think I would really look at it as a "sacrifice", but rather, a "thank you for helping me", we all help each other in our family so that we can get the things done that need to happen for our family. Just as you might ask her to set the table to help you get dinner ready, even though she was about to go and play a computer game.

But they also have many more times that they are playing together of their own choosing, so there is not a dynamic of one "babysitting" the other.

[Marissamom]

I disagree that she was making the sacrifice for him. She was giving some of her time to amuse her brother so that mom could get something done. and it probably made her feel really important being able to help mom out like that. and she knew that in turn mom was sacrificing back at other points during the day. I would often do something similar when I could tell my mom was getting frazzled and needed a break from taking care of my younger sisters in order to get something done.

[One_Girl]

I don't know about the sibling stuff, though I did browbeat my brother a lot and he is a very passive person who accepts a lot of true abuse today and he may have benefited from learning how to stand up to stand up to me when I used his weaknesses to get my own way. I do know that when my dd was that age she had a very hard time with having to entertain herself and it I often had to start a game with her then leave once she was immersed in it, put on a book on cd, let her watch a movie, or bring her to a place with an indoor play area so I could do homework alone. My dd spent her time in daycare, school, and with me so entertaining herself wasn't really an expectation except in rare instances, and in those cases it was unreasonable to expect that she would suddenly be able to entertain herself for a long period of time with no support from me. I think you are lucky to have a child who was willing to make that sacrafice, but I think when we question things as parents it is important to look at why. I find that when I am busy I often start questioning things because the issue has gotten so big I really need to step in and do something to change the situation. Only you can know if this is question is cueing you in to a problem that needs to be changed or not.

[phathui5]

My kids could cry, yell & whine but they certainly would not be doing it AT me. They would be in their rooms until they were ready to stop. I may be able to hear it but it wouldn't be in my face so I couldn't work.

Amen to that. The longer I've had kids, the less I've put up with children (mine or otherwise) whining and complaining. You can whine all you want, somewhere else. I am willing to listen to the kids explain what they want and why, but if the answer is no, they have to deal with that.

[meemee]

awwwwwww that is soooo sweet. your dd is growing up too fast :sniff what a sweet, thoughtful gesture.

what a sweet family you are.

and yes i do believe your son has the right to whine even at 5. i dont buy into the giving in at all. 5 is a hard hard age to go thru.

[waiflywaif]

I could say that "At 36, she's old enough to know how to tip properly," or "At 28, he's old enough to know how to parallel park."

I would agree with you, though! At least for those two "practical life" examples!

[aussiemum]

At age 36, you really should know how to tip properly. And parallel park, if you have a driving license. Core life skills, as far as I am concerned.

[waiflywaif]

Yup.

There's really nothing wrong with having (appropriate) developmental expectations. And to use parenting skills for the kids who might need a little extra help reaching them.