Should I let DD make sacrifices for me? - Page 2

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by Daffodil

Also, I like to set the example of trying to work out a solution we can all live with instead of just saying, "I don't care what you want, I'm doing what I want." Of course, the nicest solution to the problem would have been for DS to accept that DD and I both had other things we wanted to do and go off and do something else, but he just doesn't seem capable of that most of the time. A big part of what bothers me about this particular situation is that DS was the main cause of the problem, but DD was the one who stepped in to solve it. But no matter how much I might want the kids to take turns making sacrifices, there's no way that can happen right now - DS just isn't old enough. (He's not quite 5 yet.)

Well, I might have stuck around a little longer to help negotiate a solution that suited everyone a little more.

For example, it was sweet of your DD to compromise and agree to play with your DS.

It would have been an equally nice compromise on you DS's part to agree to let her decide their activity. So if she wanted to play dress up tea party and he had LEGO's in mind - it would be her choice.

I don't think you mentioned what they did, but this way both children have some power in the process.

[tjjazzy]

Originally Posted by SilverLace

I think that you are teaching your DS that when he throws a fit he gets his way.

.

i have to agree. if my (nearly) 5yo threw a fit, there's no way anyone would be playing with him to appease him. he'd be more likely to be in your 7yo's position though, helping out with the 2yo when i need him to. even at 4yo there's no way i'd condone that kind of behaviour. my 2yo is one thing and we try not to appease his little tantrums if at all possible either but at 5? no way. i would, however, thank DD for being such a wonderful helper and a thoughtful person and tell her to go about doing whatever it was she was planning regardless of anyone's fits.
that said, ds1 isn't the type to throw fits over things like that. let me get back to you when ds2, a totally different sort of child, gets to be that age.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

At age 36, you really should know how to tip properly. And parallel park, if you have a driving license. Core life skills, as far as I am concerned.

What's your definition of a proper tip? Everyone has differing ideas on that.

As for parallel parking, some people never need to do it. If you don't use it, you lose it. I'm pretty sure my uncle in Nebraska never needs to parallel park in the one-horse town he lives in, and he doesn't travel.

But I think my point has been missed entirely.

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

Yup.

There's really nothing wrong with having (appropriate) developmental expectations. And to use parenting skills for the kids who might need a little extra help reaching them.

Like with tipping, people have differing ideas of what appropriate development looks like. Saying that a child "should know" at age 5 that melting down is not beneficial to anyone is no different than saying a 3yo should be potty trained, a 1yo should sleep through the night, or a 6yo should be reading. Children are people. They're individuals. And of course they need their parents' help to meet expectations; but when you say that a 5yo "should know," it comes across as a judgement of both the child and his parents.

And before anything I said becomes twisted, let me clarify that I am not condoning giving into tantrums or reinforcing that sort of behavior. In fact, I am probably less gentle than many mamas here.

[waiflywaif]

But the typical child *should* know. If they don't, it could because they are an exception to the statistical norm, which is fine of course. It could be because it hasn't been modeled or taught. It could be for a lot of reasons.

I think you're reading judgment into "should" that is not really there.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

But the typical child *should* know. If they don't, it could because they are an exception to the statistical norm, which is fine of course. It could be because it hasn't been modeled or taught. It could be for a lot of reasons. .

It could be that they really still need naps (my guy did at 5) and can't handle things when tired. It could be their impulse control is still developing (common at 5). It could be they are slightly sick or recovering from being sick (it's common for people including kids to actually get a post illness depression and not "be themselves" for a couple weeks after being "well"). So many things...

ITA with 2xy that it is really annoying when people respond that someone who is x age should know something. It's such an unhelpful response, especially when talking about young kids who have such a wide range of behaviors with different causes and who develop differently. My guy could not play alone at 5. Saying he should be able to didn't make him magically able to do so. It wasn't for lack of trying on my part or my being unaware that it was something some kids could do.

[Smokering]

In principle, not a problem at all. I remember doing stuff for Mum when I was a kid - making her umpteen toasted cheese sandwiches in a row when she was pregnant, or brushing her hair in bed when my arm was aching, because she liked it. (Not that I was nearly as nice as your DD sounds, I was a hellish kid - so it's nice to look back and know I did a FEW nice things! Sadly, Mum denies the toasted sandwiches thing. ) It didn't scar me for life, and it did make me a slightly more contributing member of the family.

I think PPs have given good caveats - don't let DS use your DD's good nature as a tool to manipulate her, make sure she gets some special time and so on.

But also, don't feel you have to feel guilty every time someone makes your life easier. I think that's an easy trap for mothers to fall into. Right now I'm pregnant and have a 2.5 year old. I've been feeling guilty when DD plays quietly by herself, is sympathetic to me when I'm feeling sick and otherwise doesn't cause havoc. Like I "deserve" a naughty, disruptive child and feel somehow guilty she's being so good I don't have to "cope"! Which really makes no sense, so I'm trying to get over it. Apparently 2.5, for DD, is an age where empathy and solo play kick in, which happens to work to my benefit. Maybe for your DD, 7.5 (was that her age?) is the age when a greater level of responsibility and empathy and turn-taking has kicked in, no doubt largely thanks to your own excellent parenting - so be grateful for it, not guilty!

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by Marissamom

I disagree that she was making the sacrifice for him. She was giving some of her time to amuse her brother so that mom could get something done. and it probably made her feel really important being able to help mom out like that. and she knew that in turn mom was sacrificing back at other points during the day. I would often do something similar when I could tell my mom was getting frazzled and needed a break from taking care of my younger sisters in order to get something done.

This. This happens at our house daily. Just part of being a big family, really. We all have responsibilities and things that we need to do or want to do. It is fair if we all help each other accomplish our goals.