"I don't think you love me"

[lovinannah]

This is what my 5yo dd has been saying lately. I am distraught. I am a single mother, and have devoted my existence to being with her. Everything I do is for her, I feel I have deprived myself of everything and anything. I was never expecting her to acknowledge this, and after all, I don't want her to know these sacrifices since she is 5yo. However, I was not expecting to hear that she doesn't think I love her. What?!?
When I do have to leave her, with her father, or her grandma, she has been saying she doesn't want me to leave, and she thinks I don't love her. She loves and enjoys her caregivers immensely, and doesn't act as if she doesn't want to stay with them, it's just the fact that I'm leaving.
If I don't sit on the floor, or run around the playground constantly, or jump when she says to play, she says she thinks I don't love her because I don't ALWAYS want to play with her. I've tried to explain that I need to do other things too, like the dishwasher, laundry, and an important phone call once in awhile, but that I always want to play with her. And I am known in our play circles as the mother who plays with the kids. I don't get it.
At night she doesn't want me to leave the room, so I'll stay and read, or have her lean her head on me to try and sleep. But time has shown that she really falls asleep better when I am not in the room, even though we cosleep. So after a couple hours of being in there "trying" to help her sleep, I need to leave the room because I know then she'll fall asleep, #1, and #2, for my own sanity. But she gets tears in her eyes and says she think I don't love her.
Insight? Advice? I feel like the last five years of trying to be super mom have been in vain. I could have gone and done the high paying and all time consuming gig I enjoyed all along? I went back to school for a career that would be decent paying and flexible time wise instead, not because I particularly enjoy it. I'm half laughing at myself, at my naivety that I could somehow ensure my dd would be happy.
Why is she saying this? And more importantly, why does she feel this way??
Thanks moms.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think all she is saying is, "I love you so much and enjoy you so much I don't want you to leave my presence." That's all.

I don't think she really believes you don't love her. That's impossible. She knows she is loved. If she didn't know without any doubt that you loved her, she wouldn't say, "I don't think you love me." She'd probably not say anything at all, possibly have some depression, and be eager to go to her grandparents or anywhere else where she felt more loved.

But I would gently suggest that if you want her to grow up to be a strong, capable woman, who knows her own feelings and takes good care of herself, you begin to model this for her now. While I realize how hard it is to be a single parent, the sacrifices you have made do neither she nor you any good in the long run. You can't live solely for another person like you have described. Its just not healthy for either person. Show her how you take care of your mental and physical health, so that she will know how to do the same for herself.

[Kelilah]

It sounds like she's noticed that this phrase pushes your buttons, and she can use it to try and get her way when she wants more attention. She wouldn't be saying it if she didn't notice that it works.

[Minxie]

It's a phase and a button-push. My son was angry with me the other day because I told him to go to bed or some other such infraction; I really can't remember what it was right now.

Anyway...I calmly and gently replied that "Thank you for the information. I will always love you. Good-night."

And repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...until he was finished being angry. When he was done, he came of his own accord to apologize for saying hurtful things to me and give me a hug.

The important thing is to not get upset, or freaked out, or worry about it. Kids say stuff to test the limits and be sure you love them. Calmly telling them that and gently but firmly setting limits reassures them more than you getting freaked out and upset. I often even giggle when I tell him stuff like this; he's always reassured when I am happy but NEVER when I am angry.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by Minxie

It's a phase and a button-push. My son was angry with me the other day because I told him to go to bed or some other such infraction; I really can't remember what it was right now.

Anyway...I calmly and gently replied that "Thank you for the information. I will always love you. Good-night."

And repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...and repeated it...until he was finished being angry. When he was done, he came of his own accord to apologize for saying hurtful things to me and give me a hug.

The important thing is to not get upset, or freaked out, or worry about it. Kids say stuff to test the limits and be sure you love them. Calmly telling them that and gently but firmly setting limits reassures them more than you getting freaked out and upset. I often even giggle when I tell him stuff like this; he's always reassured when I am happy but NEVER when I am angry.

This is pretty much what I did when my dd discovered how powerful it was to say things like that and the phase was very fizzled out quickly. I also calmly point out the things we do together and some of the sacrifices I have made, not in a guilt type of way but in a matter of fact way to help dd see where she is lucky just like other kids. DD went through this phase after she realized that some moms stay at home and she said it a lot when I couldn't volunteer or do something else she wanted me to do because of my job. Talking about what I do instead with only her really helped her to see that she wasn't missing out and that it was a matter of being lucky in other ways.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by lovinannah

Why is she saying this? And more importantly, why does she feel this way??

5 is a really hard age.

they are discovering they are NOT the center of the world as they are brougth up to believe.

they undergo a huge hormonal change. the beginnings of prepuberty. they have absolutely no control over their emotions. even though they know they are wrong they cant stop themselves. so they are hugely emotional. my dd who did this at 5 1/2 got body odor at 6 and started breast buds at 8.

it is a precursor to the 7 to 9 phase when consciousness develops.

she might also be going thru an emotional growth spurt. once she gets otu of this phase you might discover a whole new mature child.

she is right on target. being a typical 5 year old.

what is lacking here is mama doesnt know how a 5 year old behaves and is taking comments to heart.

so here is a series of books that goes upto the age of 12 i think. "your 5 year old" by louse ames bates.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Fixing the mistake I've made in the same vein as it seems you're in, op, I'll offer my observations of the problem and the solution as it has been effective for me and my family:

What is a sacrifice? It is giving up a higher value for a lower one. So when you do everything in your power to make the best life you can for your dd, you are not sacrificing for her if this of great value to you; you would be sacrificing the life you are making if you chose to do something of lesser or no value, such as drinking yourself into a stupor nightly instead of raising your dd (an extreme that I used as an example because most people are aware of the reality that this choice is not conducive to the betterment of one's own life or the people they value).

Additionally, if you do not hold your own life as the standard by which you gauge your other values, you could not even determine what a sacrifice is, so making sure that you do hold your own life as your highest value, is paramount. Otherwise, you cannot act with consistency because your ideas and actions have no foundation.

When you tell someone that you have sacrificed for them, you are saying that you would rather have done something else, but out of a sense duty or obligation, you did what you thought was best for them. I don't know who would feel truly loved by that admission. I don't want anyone to sacrifice for me, or to have done anything for me out of duty or obligation. I would not receive that as love. I think that people intuitively get that, even if they cannot formalize it. I know that I am loved when someone acts in accordance with their valuation of me- that is that they do things for me because to not do them would be a sacrifice, so they do it because it matters that much to them, that doing things for me brings them joy and fulfillment in their lives.

In my mothering, realising that it was not sacrifice that was required, but love (especially self-love- enough to honestly evaluate and prioritize my values), made all the difference. Yes, there are many things that I no longer do, and many others that I will do later in my life that bring me great joy, but I have not sacrificed them for raising my dc: raising my children is of such high value to me, and specifically raising them in very close proximity, taking the full weight of responsibility for the external workings of their education and health, among other things, that to instead do those things that I did before or that I will do later would be a sacrifice- choosing a lower value over a higher one.

Some parents honestly value delegating child-rearing responsibilities to others they trust because their higher values require that they spend much of their time doing those things. It is of utmost importance to determine what one's true values are, and to do so with reason, not as an act of hedonism. My values are consistent; I can answer for my choices and the values they express- every one of them. I have reasons for why my dc take such a high place in my value-hierarchy, and all of them relate back to me, not to society or the 'greater good', which ultimately spirals down into duty and obligation, which necessitates sacrifice, and which is ultimately unnecessary and deleterious to my life and that of those whom I value.

There is no actual reason why my needs and desires must be in conflict with those of my family. If I descend into a hedonistic view of my life, then it gives me the illusion of conflicts between what I want/need and the same of others, but the reasoned view of the interaction between my life and those of my children is that the phrase "if I want xyz, then I will do abc," brings me back to reality. If I want children who are self-aware and capable of supporting their own lives as adults, then I will be an example of the principles that inform these ideals in my own life, and I will guide them in their evaluations of their observations of these principles in action, and teach/guide them in the acquisition of the necessary skills to accomplish the life goals they've set for themselves.

In-so-doing, when I choose to build a family business instead of a personal business, it is because the family business reflects my higher value, which is to raise capable, prepared children. There is no sacrifice. To choose the personal business because I like it more, would be a sacrifice of my higher value, connected with raising my children in close proximity with certain goals.

My children know they are loved precisely because they see that the order of my values consistently demonstrates that I value and esteem them highly. If I were sacrificing for them, I'd be admitting that they are of lesser value than what I am choosing not to do out of my self-imposed duty or obligation to them.

Anyway, this is my explanation of what I've figured out after years of all of us suffering because I didn't understand these principles and bought into the erroneous idea that motherhood is a sacrifice. If it is a sacrifice to me, it would be better to give my dc to someone for whom motherhood is of high value, high enough to cheerfully meet the very intense needs of childhood. Motherhood is an enormous undertaking, but has no intrinsic value: it requires a valuer, and imo, it is best undertaken by those for whom it is of very high value so that everyone involved can live a happy and productive life, without sacrifice, which does not bring about the conditions necessary for happiness and love.

[GuildJenn]

She's five and it gets a big reaction.

I'd just say "Well I do!" and move on.

[lovinannah]

Thanks moms! I appreciate all your voices here.
It's amazing how verbalizing something makes it all less dramatic. I was having moments of crying in the car, alone, but once I wrote it all down for view, it stopped having such a big effect on me. I felt a lot calmer.
I will check out that book series too, thank you.
I don't want to make myself look like a martyr or hedonistic. Just that I don't get a lot of sleep, and I have made a lot of choices differently in order to be with my dd. I know I haven't had to make the choices I have, but I have because I want to, and I think it's best for her. Not because I wanted any thanks. I really wanted to stress that my grief was about how I've chosen to parent might not have mattered, that I did it "wrong" after all. I was not thinking in terms of this being a normal part of development.
I'll be honest, I've been learning about parenting as I go along, trying to stay a few steps ahead. In this instance, I definitely feel like I've fallen behind. I never expected to hear that she thought I didn't love her until she was much older. In fact, I thought the attachment approach was supposed to curb some of that. If anyone has further reading or advice, I would love to hear it.
Side note: DD was the first diaper I ever even changed!
Thanks community!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by lovinannah

I never expected to hear that she thought I didn't love her until she was much older. In fact, I thought the attachment approach was supposed to curb some of that.

hah!!! AP will bring that out MORE. why? because our children feel loved and respected for who they are.

as adults we are usually given some space to vent. i feel we do not honor children teh same way.

and so their misbehaviour becomes an honour of parenthood. mama loves me so much that she is not going to judge me when i lose it sometimes.

next time you "hear" the words 'i dont love you', focus and actually hear what's going on underneath. 'i dont love you' = i am having a hard day, i am trying to communicate but its not getting across to you... or a few other scenarios. in actuality feelings wise 'i dont love you' = mama you love me and care for me more than anyone in the world. i can never express my feelings of gratitude for that or how much that means to me.

i always read the unconcious expression underneath the words.

esp. beign a single mom and meeting your child's needs and making choices just for her ... do you really believe she doesnt love you? yeah she may be mad and angry at you but think about it. does she really not love you.

no matter what anyone says, no matter what my dd says... her actions, demeanor all says how important i am in her life. there is so so so much unconcious communication my dd has for me that its overwhelming.

my fav, treasured more than words, were when someone was going to throw away some ice. and dd yelled and grabbed the ice. 'oh please dont throw it away. my mama loves ice. i will give them to her." so when she says i dont love you which she does one in a while, do you think i would believe that she doesnt care for me.

its not about me. its about her and its usually a good way for me to know she is overwhelmed and havign a hard time at that moment. i think accord. to my dd that is the worst thing she can say.

[lovinannah]

Oh meemee, thank you for that! It makes a lot more sense and easier to be there for her when looked at in those terms.

[Greenmama2]

Wow PUBA2C, what an awesome post! Thank you, I needed to read that right now

Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C

In my mothering, realising that it was not sacrifice that was required, but love (especially self-love- enough to honestly evaluate and prioritize my values), made all the difference. Yes, there are many things that I no longer do, and many others that I will do later in my life that bring me great joy, but I have not sacrificed them for raising my dc: raising my children is of such high value to me, and specifically raising them in very close proximity, taking the full weight of responsibility for the external workings of their education and health, among other things, that to instead do those things that I did before or that I will do later would be a sacrifice- choosing a lower value over a higher one.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

She's five and it gets a big reaction.

I'd just say "Well I do!" and move on.

s I remember being that five year old girl and saying the same thing to my mother who was also a single mama . I'm sorry it hurts you but GuildJenn hit the nail on the head. She's five.

[LynnS6]

I read your thread title and said "5 year old!"

5 year olds are playing with the power of language. And they're not very subtle about wielding this new-found power. A 1 year old who has discovered that letting go of a spoon makes it fall will try this over and over again, 5 year olds have discovered that they can influence others' behavior with their words. And they'll try this over and over again.

They're also pretty self-focused at this age (developmentally). I think it's important to remember that this really isn't about you, it's about them and how they're feeling.

5 year olds also live in the moment. So, "I don't think you love me" does not mean "you have failed in this relationship" as it might if it were said by an adult. What it means is "I feel angry/sad/grumpy right now."

This is a really good time to introduce some of the ideas in How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen (and Listen So Your Children Will Talk) by Faber & Mazlish. You can and should acknowledge the emotion behind the words, but I wouldn't take the words themselves too seriously.

On a practical note: My kids also couldn't fall asleep with us in the room after they reached a certain age. The urge to talk was keeping them up. What we did that worked well was to stay with them for a bit, and then leave after a set time (first 30 minutes, then decreasing). But after we left, we checked on them. We'd set the kitchen timer and check on them in increasing intervals (5 min, 10, 15, 20, etc.). The timer reminded us and reassured them that we WERE coming back. And I think the short period of time between the timer going off and us appearing also reassured them that we really weren't that far away (our house ain't that big!).

I would think that you could do a modified version of this. It sounds like your dd needs you to stay with her for a bit. So how about staying there for 30 minutes or so, and then going. That can be her snuggle time to feel connected to you, and you don't have to focus on her falling asleep right away, just connecting. Then, because she does need to fall asleep, you can leave but keep checking on her.