Help!! 2.5 yr old, new sibling, serious boundary testing!

[AutumnAir]

Okay, I know this is a fairly common problem, but I can't find what I'm looking for in the archives, so maybe a few people could chime in with some suggestions for me.

DD1 is 2.5, going on 3, and DD2 is nearly 8 weeks. DD2 is not as HN as DD1 was/is but is still a pretty challenging baby, and takes up quite a large part of my day, particularly as she doesn't go to sleep by herself but takes extensive parenting to get there. Meaning, of course, that DD1 misses out quite a bit. I have a few specific scenarios I particularly need some help with.

1) I try to set her up with activities before I need to spend time getting DD2 to sleep, and explain to her that when DD2 is asleep I'll be able to spend some uninterrupted time with her. (She doesn't nap anymore - hasn't for quite a while). But very often she'll come in and start whining or being noisy - usually just as I've gotten DD2 to sleep. So DD2 will wake up screaming, DD1 will be whining and crying because I'm not playing with her... What can I do to make this go more smoothly? DD2 still needs to nap about 3x a day - I can wear her for a nap, but only if I move constantly, so not really feasible for all naps.

2) DD1 has started deliberately hurting DD2 - squeezing her hand too hard. She understands perfectly well about being gentle - sometimes she gets carried away and bounces too close to the baby, but this is different and deliberate. Anything I can do - other than watch her like a hawk?

3) The endless mind-changing. We had a bit of this before, but now it's all. the. time. I'll ask her what she wants for lunch - maybe give her a couple of choices. She'll choose something. Then when I've made it she'll say she doesn't want it. I'll say, okay you don't have to eat it, but I'm not making anything else. (This has always been the rule, so she knows it). She'll say to take it away, so I do. Then she screams at me to bring it back, because she wants it now. I don't want her going hungry, because then her behaviour gets even worse, so I give it back to her. Then she says she hates it and to throw it in the bin, etc. etc. etc. Honestly, this kind of thing went on nearly non-stop for nearly an hour during dinner-time the other day. And it's not just about food - everything; what to wear, whether or not she's ready to get out of the shower... I know that she's looking for some power, and struggling to test boundaries, but what on earth can I do? It's driving me batty.

4) Finally - and most worrying in a way. When we're out - in town, in the park, anywhere, she almost always has at least one moment where she insists that she's not coming with me. I usually have DD2 (14lb) on my front (not comfortable putting her on my back yet) and so I can't really just pick up DD1 (35+lb) and carry her until she's willing to walk, which is what I used to do on the fairly infrequent occasions that this used to happen. I've tried having DD1 in the stroller, but it's nearly impossible for me to get her in and out with DD2 on my front. DD2 hates being in the stroller and just screams, plus I can't steer it right while holding onto or carrying DD1. She'll literally just either throw herself to the ground and refuse to go any further, or actually run away from me, which terrifies me.
I know the logical consequence is that I don't take her out anymore, but that's not really do-able either. I have to do the shopping, and we all need to get some fresh air and exercise. I don't want to be under house arrest because I can't get my 2 year old to behave!!

Please help!!

[blizzard_babe]

Subbing with great interest because I have the beginnings of pretty much the same situation on my hands here.

[clevelandmama]

Hugs to you mama. My DD's are 3 and 9 months and I can definitely relate! I'm afraid my only advice is to ride it out and try to be as loving and empathetic as possible to DD1. It helps my DD1 (sometimes) when I say things like "it's really hard to be a big girl, huh?" or "i can see that you're trying really hard to be patient and kind to your sister"...you know, just acknowledging that I know this situation is challenging for her. We've actually had a number of good conversations about how she's feeling and I see a noticeable change in her behavior after her feelings have been validated.

As adults we know what a gift a sibling is, but for her right now she's just experienced a huge loss and it helps me to see DD1 in a more positive light when I remind myself of that. I know you know this, but it's hard to step back and see it that way when the baby's been woken up for the 4th time that day and you're cleaning up peanut butter off the floor.

I wore DD2 for naps and still do sometimes b/c we had the same problem with DD1 having exactly 2 minutes less patience than it took DD2 to fall asleep. So frustrating. Now, I usually wear DD2 for her 1st nap and DD1 has quiet time for 30 min or so (she's in her room and can play or read or whatever, as long as it's quiet) during DD2's afternoon nap.

Good luck! This too shall pass!

[AutumnAir]

Okay - I need some more help. Yesterday we went to the park; had a lovely time while we were there. I'd talked to DD about expectations before we got there and we went through a list of the things we would do, and when it would be time to go home, and what we would do then. I really thought I was setting her up for success - plenty of time out and about to play, realistic expectations, fun things to do both on the way home and at home to look forward to.

Well, it all went to pot. We ran through the list of things to do in the order we'd talked about, with me gently reminding her about when we'd need to go. And when it came to time to go I cheerfully reminded her about the games we would play on the way out, and the painting we would do when we got home.

She said "I don't want to play. I don't want to paint. I want to stay here." I tried everything I could think of - reasoning, playing, coaxing, threatening... Nothing worked. Eventually (after nearly 15 minutes) I snapped. It was cold, the baby had just had a big poop in the carrier on my front and I'd had enough. I grabbed her by the front of her coat and literally just dragged her out - she screamed for a minute, then started crying and begged me to let her go, promising that she would walk by herself - which she actually did once I let her go. But I don't want to have to resort to getting really angry and physical everytime to get her to comply with the things that need to be done. Help!!

[mom2lucy]

Oh, mama I'm right there with you! DD1 is almost 3 and DD2 is 5.5 mo. We have many days that are just like yours. What I usually do with the nap issue is to put DD1 in her booster seat, strapped in, with either a snack or coloring stuff while I put the baby down. This actually used to work quite well and bought me a good 10 minutes. Lately though it's not been going too well, as she will start screaming hysterically for me within a couple minutes. Maybe try that? If I don't have her strapped in she will always come barging in the room just as the baby is about to fall asleep. I totally know how bad that sucks!
About not wanting to leave places-I also usually wear the baby on my front and I've just starting telling DD1 when we have 2 slides more until we have to leave (or whatever limit I set), then when that time is up I just casually pick her up and start walking out, talking really calmly about how great she did and asking her a bunch of questions about what she liked doing. Yes, it's virtually impossible to carry them both, and yes, she will still usually be upset about leaving, but I found that she gets over it a lot faster and I'm not as frustrated with trying to actually get her to leave on her own.
I don't know if any of that may help you but I just want you to know that you're definitely not alone.
Good luck and I'll be checking back for updates!

[mamaluvs]

Hugs to you! And congrats on the new baby!

I feel for you. My DD turned two just days before the birth of DS and it was a trying experience for all of us! A year later, things are much better and DD has settled way down. Here's some things that helped us:

Will your new babe, sleep in a swing/bouncer? That helped me tons during naptime. Often, I could put DS down semi-sleepy in the swing and he would drift off...Or I would read with DD on the couch while I nursed DS and he felll asleep in my arms then I put him down. He too would only sleep in a carrier if I was constantly moving-not very helpful if you want to sit and play with your other child. Now that he is older and only naps twice a day, I let DD watch TV while I put him to sleep. At this point it usually only takes me 5-15 minutes to get DS to sleep. While, letting DD watch TV doesn't make me feel great, at this point it is the only solution to the naptime problem. I know that she gets extremely jealous that I lay down with DS to get him to sleep and she just can't help but interupt, unless the TV is on. This is the only time she watches TV and I figure soon enough DS will be down to one nap and then none.

I noticed that DD's behavior escalated the more I wore DS-I think she was super jealous of how physically close he was to me. she's a snuggler and still likes to be held so I had to find other ways of keeping DS close to me.

As for the food, we go through this periodically also. Do you let DD help you cook? I make a lot of crockpot meals and let DD help. She can dump everything in and then stir it all up until she is bored-no worries about touching hot pans, etc. She is so proud to have cooked dinner that I think it helps her want to eat the meal.

Have you tried meal trays? Or easy snacks that she can get herself? So she isn't bugging you for them or waiting for you to get them?

When DD needed my help with something, I'd say things to the baby like "DD needs me now, you'll have to wait your turn." or "I'm going to play with DD now, you'll have to wait your turn baby." Of course, I'd do this when baby was perfectly content but I figured DD was always being told to wait and it might be nice for her to hear that baby had to wait sometimes too.

As for outings, for the first few months after DS was born, I would have to use one of those backpack things on DD. I'd never needed it before but as soon as DS was born, DD started bolting any chance she got. My parents are in the area and a big help. I often would take them with me when we went out in public just because it was so much easier and everyone could get one on one attention. Is there anyone who could help you?

Good luck! It does get easier. And my son just lights up everytime his big sister walks into the room.

[Surfacing]