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I will not...

post #1 of 15
10/23/10 at 10:29pm
Thread Starter 
...email my sister a link about the dangers of after-market carseat inserts...or make a snide comment about how my throat tickled all night after holding my newborn nephew because of the cigarette smoke now imbedded in my shirt...or say another word about her returning to work at 11 days post-partum...or even send her $500 so she doesn't have to go back right away...


...I will...be extra careful not to over-invest myself in her life, because I emotionally can't afford it...I will probably not see them too often because it makes me cry afterwards to smell smoke on a one week old baby...I will really miss seeing her kids grow up.
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post #2 of 15
10/23/10 at 10:31pm
Hugs.
post #3 of 15
10/23/10 at 11:32pm


That's hard mama. Hugs!!!
post #4 of 15
10/24/10 at 1:20am
Its so hard

I'm really not looking forward to my BIL and SIL's having kids unless something changes soon....

Good for you being able to back away though...its hard
post #5 of 15
10/24/10 at 4:09pm
Thread Starter 
I guess I also will not babysit him because if I change his diaper and his foreskin is missing, I may never speak to her again. Apparently that was just another lie.

Would anyone here hand over some cash to keep the mama home a few more weeks, or I am just obsessive and judgemental for thinking it's wrong to leave an 11 day old with a man who's not his father?
post #6 of 15
10/24/10 at 10:29pm
The cigarette things seems the most absurd of all of these things. I might go out swinging on that one.I guess I just think that everyone, truly everyone 'knows better'.

The carseat thing *I* would let go, as it's a potential problem and you can't eat the elephant....but the cigarettes are causing real-time damage.

Ultimately, choosing to say something may cost your relationship, but allow you your own dignity. Obviously, I'd not try to advise you on what is 'better'.

I'm sorry.
post #7 of 15
10/25/10 at 4:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post
I guess I also will not babysit him because if I change his diaper and his foreskin is missing, I may never speak to her again. Apparently that was just another lie.

Would anyone here hand over some cash to keep the mama home a few more weeks, or I am just obsessive and judgemental for thinking it's wrong to leave an 11 day old with a man who's not his father?
If I had the cash to give, I would give it, with no strings attached.

And hugs to you and to the baby. I don't think you are obsessive or judgemental in this case. It would be hard for me, and ,many mamas to tolerate what you have described. But maybe if you can find the positve in the situation, assuming there is one...hopefully she loves the baby, right? Love can conquer a lot of things, and even growing up around smokers, being bottle fed, and circumcised, if the baby is truly loved that is something right?
post #8 of 15
10/26/10 at 8:30pm
OP, I know the feeling.
post #9 of 15
10/28/10 at 12:56pm
i too would give if i had the money. but know that it might not be spent how you want it to, and be okay with that.

and yes honestly they should know better not to smoke around the baby
post #10 of 15
10/28/10 at 3:44pm
If someone can afford to smoke, they don't need more money.
post #11 of 15
10/28/10 at 3:51pm
You are probably right to let go. I understand that smoking is an addiction but I agree with chaoticzenmom, you don't need to buy their cigarettes, and anyway, it's just asking for trouble.

That said, don't miss their kids. Really. You can offer to watch them a couple weekends a month. You CAN deal with circumcision. Really. You deal with circumcised people all the time. ALL the time. It will be painful but you need not cut these children out of your life because their parents are making poor choices.

post #12 of 15
10/29/10 at 3:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post
...I will...be extra careful not to over-invest myself in her life, because I emotionally can't afford it...I will probably not see them too often because it makes me cry afterwards to smell smoke on a one week old baby...I will really miss seeing her kids grow up.
Look, it's really simple. If you feel your sister is being abusive, then report her. If she's not being "abusive", but just "misguided", or not "smart"... well, there's not much we can do about that.

But for YOU to miss out on the love and affection and joy of another tiny human becasue of the poor choices of his mother... the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" come to my mind.

The fact that you are not personally able to put aside your disagreements on parenting with your sister and meet the child for who HE is, and devote your love and attention to your newphew, then YES, I do believe you are being too judgmental.

We are all on this earth and forced to live our lives in the best way that we deem fit. You can't control your sister or change her parenting decisions, but what you CAN do is choose to love and cherish her beautiful boy in spite of her. If you cut yourself out of his life, then you aren't just hurting your sister. You are hurting him as well. HE will lose out because YOU are not in his life. If you cannot get through to her, then give up on her and focus on him. He could still have a wonderful and loving aunt in his life.
post #13 of 15
11/2/10 at 9:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
Look, it's really simple. If you feel your sister is being abusive, then report her. If she's not being "abusive", but just "misguided", or not "smart"... well, there's not much we can do about that.

But for YOU to miss out on the love and affection and joy of another tiny human becasue of the poor choices of his mother... the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" come to my mind.

The fact that you are not personally able to put aside your disagreements on parenting with your sister and meet the child for who HE is, and devote your love and attention to your newphew, then YES, I do believe you are being too judgmental.

We are all on this earth and forced to live our lives in the best way that we deem fit. You can't control your sister or change her parenting decisions, but what you CAN do is choose to love and cherish her beautiful boy in spite of her. If you cut yourself out of his life, then you aren't just hurting your sister. You are hurting him as well. HE will lose out because YOU are not in his life. If you cannot get through to her, then give up on her and focus on him. He could still have a wonderful and loving aunt in his life.
I have to respectfully say that I don't agree with the above statement. I think that sometimes it is just too hard to care about a child and to constantly be exposed to the negative situation the child is in that you cannot change. OP, I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Lots of love to you.
post #14 of 15
11/2/10 at 9:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
Look, it's really simple. If you feel your sister is being abusive, then report her. If she's not being "abusive", but just "misguided", or not "smart"... well, there's not much we can do about that.

But for YOU to miss out on the love and affection and joy of another tiny human becasue of the poor choices of his mother... the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" come to my mind.

The fact that you are not personally able to put aside your disagreements on parenting with your sister and meet the child for who HE is, and devote your love and attention to your newphew, then YES, I do believe you are being too judgmental.

We are all on this earth and forced to live our lives in the best way that we deem fit. You can't control your sister or change her parenting decisions, but what you CAN do is choose to love and cherish her beautiful boy in spite of her. If you cut yourself out of his life, then you aren't just hurting your sister. You are hurting him as well. HE will lose out because YOU are not in his life. If you cannot get through to her, then give up on her and focus on him. He could still have a wonderful and loving aunt in his life.
agree. From the sounds of it he is going to need a stable adult in his life. What a wonderful gift that could be.
post #15 of 15
11/3/10 at 1:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
Look, it's really simple. If you feel your sister is being abusive, then report her. If she's not being "abusive", but just "misguided", or not "smart"... well, there's not much we can do about that.

But for YOU to miss out on the love and affection and joy of another tiny human becasue of the poor choices of his mother... the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" come to my mind.

The fact that you are not personally able to put aside your disagreements on parenting with your sister and meet the child for who HE is, and devote your love and attention to your newphew, then YES, I do believe you are being too judgmental.

We are all on this earth and forced to live our lives in the best way that we deem fit. You can't control your sister or change her parenting decisions, but what you CAN do is choose to love and cherish her beautiful boy in spite of her. If you cut yourself out of his life, then you aren't just hurting your sister. You are hurting him as well. HE will lose out because YOU are not in his life. If you cannot get through to her, then give up on her and focus on him. He could still have a wonderful and loving aunt in his life.
My sentiments exactly. It sounds like this boy will need you in his life. You CAN look past his parents bad parenting choices and be there for him. It would be very difficult for me as well but if you could bring yourself to do it he would be that much better for it. Here's some encouragement coming your way.