I wanted to come back now that I have more time and give you more
It is so hard to deal with the sensory stuff, especially when you add in hormones. My dd is just about to turn 11 and she has the sensory stuff, add in the opposite extreme, she is clingy, whiny, thin as a rail, and so sensitive. she has the clothing sensitivity to an extreme. Add in her brother who is like your dd, he goes nuts whenever his sister sings, and she loves to sing - writes her own songs all the time, and then of course when we are in the car, she will sing on purpose to drive him nuts and things can just go outer limits from there. He turns into a lump now if I am trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. He is very heavy, all muscle and very strong. I can hardly handle him anymore if I need to remove him from a situation. He's about 4' 9" and 70 lbs. I can still pick him up when he is cooperating, but if he isn't wow - I need to go work out!!!
Right now I am struggling to keep him from climbing on his bed to touch the ceiling. He just loves to do this and it's too dangerous with the furniture we have. I seriously wish I had a place to build a climbing wall to get his energy out and meet his needs for daredevilling.
The food thing is getting pretty critical, he is getting tired of (nitrate free) salami and carrots. I just don't know what I will be able to get him to eat besides waffles and toast if he quits eating those. He can't live on vitamins can he? And just how can a child grow so big and strong at such a rate on almost no food?
I just want you to know you aren't alone with dealing with a tough kid. And the hardest part for me is dealing with everyone else telling me what I need to do to force my child to 'behave' and my dp who gets frustrated easily complaining about it. He's not the dad so it's easy for him to lay it at my feet and complain and wait for me to fix it. When things are going well or when he gets lots of alone time, he really is very supportive and understands, in fact I think that's why he gets so frustrated, he and ds are just alike!!!
I just keep saying:
Just because what I'm doing isn't working doesn't mean I'm not doing anything!!!
My mantra to defend myself and shut them all up!
I love my boy, almost it seems more than my dd at times because I am so invested in trying to help him find his happy, whereas hers is easy. I adore her wholeheartedly too, and I fight guilt because I feel like she gets the short end of the stick often due to expecting her to work around his issues. I am working on a balance every day. I am just so thankful I get to be at home so I can be there for them all the time instead of trying to fit them in around a career outside.
Oh, and we have been doing therapy for 6 months now that I finally got someone to pay attention - I've been trying to get him into therapy since he was 4 and everyone kept telling me he was too young - grrr. It really is helping!!! He did a social skills group this summer which really helped with his interpersonal skills.