Mom has excessive gift-giving habit

[LHcj2008]

Before I start in, I don't want to sound like an ungrateful daughter. I realize that my mom is super-excited about being a grandma for the first time, and this is seemingly her way to show it. I also apologize in advance for the long rant below.

I had my baby shower today. Leading up to the shower, I put a lot of time and thought into my registry because I didn't want to have a ton of stuff around that a) I don't need, b) don't want and c) aren't good quality and don't last for the next baby. We live in an apartment and don't want to be overtaken by clutter, and that is hard enough to avoid with a new baby I imagine, so I've made huge attempts to really decide what I need and don't need. The last thing I want when I have a newborn is a ton of stuff taking up space in my apartment that I don't want.

My mom, bless her heart, has a loooong history of ridiculous shopping habits and seems to go quantity over quality with every purchase she makes, for herself and anyone else. My sister, my dad and I all have tried to talk with her in the past, but she can't take any criticism whatsoever, and gets very, very hurt if you approach her about anything. So, over time we've given up. We end up with all of this stuff we don't want year after year and when we do try to guide her in the right direction or tell her we don't want anything, she doesn't seem to listen.

Hence, my mom and I are very different. My husband and I are very naturally-oriented, and have gone to major lengths to make healthy choices for my baby. We also try to live resourcefully and keep the clutter down- we donate or re-sell items as much as possible. Aside from my mom's spending habits, I tend to feel very resentful of how accommodating she expects everyone to be to her (she typically wants her way) but she doesn't really think outside the box for anyone else.

When it came to this baby, from the start I've mentioned (both casually and a bit more blatantly) the things I like and the things I don't like about baby stuff. I'm having a boy, and I think I've said 500 times how I don't really like baby clothes with words on them, and I like various colors for boys, not just pastel blue. I even picked out stuff because she wanted to crochet baby gifts, thinking that if I could show her the patterns I liked, it would be a guarantee that she would make something I like vs. something she likes.

Well, today I opened up everyone's gifts at the shower, and my mom decided to put her gifts in with the general gift pile. Except that she had about 10 big boxes of gifts, all filled to the brim with stuff. People actually left my shower (I don't blame them) in the middle of the gift-opening because it was just so ridiculous how much stuff she was giving me in front of everyone and the gift-opening had gone on for like 2 hours at that point. I was embarassed. I don't exactly love the concept of sitting in front of a room full of people opening up gifts, but when they leave before you're done, it is clear how they feel as well!

I am sitting here back at my house upset because I think most of my mom's gifts were a waste of her money and the potential to give me something useful (which I hope is her intention). Everything she bought me is not only baby blue, but has silly words on the front of all the clothing, and is of super low quality. I would have been happier with one gift that was something I really wanted vs. 10 boxes full of cheap, thin washclothes, clothes, and stuffed animals that I don't like or need.

Again, I don't want to sound like an ungrateful you-know-what. But at the same time, I often believe that my mom isn't really buying this stuff for me; rather, she is buying it for her because it is what SHE likes and it fills whatever void she is feeling temporarily to just buy it all. I wish we could have a deeper relationship and that it wasn't just defined by "stuff" all the time. She also made a blanket for me from a pattern that I specifically remember telling her I didn't like, and at the shower she told me "remember this is the one you liked?" I'm thinking to myself, "no mom, this is the one YOU liked, and I didn't like it because I thought it looked too feminine". It is frustrating because it is clear that she just doesn't listen to me or really take into account what I like.

I don't know how to get her to stop, and my baby isn't even born yet. I don't know how to tell her that, if she wants to buy something for the baby,I'd rather it be ONE nice-quality gift that is useful to us vs. 100 things that aren't. I am going to ask for receipts to see if I can return/exchange some of these things, but don't know how to ask in a sensitive way, especially since my shower was just today. But I am already dying to get some of this stuff either returned, exchanged, or somewhere else more useful! This is my 1st baby and I understand that I should just be grateful and accepting of anything I can get, but I'm afraid that this pregnancy has opened up a new can of worms of excessive gift-buying from my mom, and I'm wondering if I can nip it now before I am swimming in stuff and feeling overwhelmed and disorganized.

[Brittee]

I would probably be feeling kind of as well. Unfortunately, I don't have any concrete advice to offer. Just some empathy. As for receipts, maybe you could ask her for the receipts so that you can take back some of the clothes for things in bigger sizes? As for the stuffed animals, maybe you could trade them in for "educational toys." Talk about baby's newborn vision difficulties and such.
I have a mom who has an emotional need to fill by buying things as well. I set her stupid-firm limits, otherwise she would drive me crazy. Like when I started dating DH I told her she could ask 3 questions about my (very first) boyfriend and that was it.
As for the baby blanket.... Do you have a friend having a baby who might like it? Then take a picture and show it to your mom to show how you really had way too much stuff in your apartment, but that her lovely gift when to a child who really needed it.

[Jenne]

Wow. That would be really awkward but honestly...most gift giving is about what the gift giver wants to do. That's why it is a gift. So, I guess be gracious and thankful that your mother loves you (in the way she knows how) and donate what you want. I would not ever though tell her you donated/returned/or regifted her things...that seems hurtful without cause. In a year or two maybe focus on gifts she could give her grandson involving her time. Good luck!

Jenne

[EllisH]

I am with Jenne. It's a shame that things went this way, but it doesn't sound as if you or the rest of your family can change your mother - so that's a pointless battle. Why don't you select a number of items that you can stand and show with / on the baby some times when your mother visits and donate the rest - or perhaps even try exchange items without the tags / receipts (some stores are kind to expecting mothers when it comes to exchanges).

Not a true comparison, but I received a bunch of new clothes from my inlaws that's too cutesy, has writing on it and is in colours that are too pastelly to my liking, but I am sure my son will outshine those outfits without a problem as well as outgrow them in no time ;-)

For the future, can you suggest a shopping trip with your mother where she buys you what you still need for the baby? (Something tells me you already tried that, though....).

[mommaklo]

This isnt a solution, just a commiseration. My inlaws are like that especially my MIL. They showed up to the hospital with so much stuff that we had to use a cart to wheel everything to my car. Really, I want chew toys now? Anyway she has been like that for every holiday since, and Im beginning to think if i just start giving it away shes given me so much crap she wont ever notice or ask about it. I just feel bad and ungrateful giving away my sons things from his grandma just because I think they are crap. But we have to draw the line somewhere. Also, her and my SIL created a baby registry for me. I had started one myself on babiesrus.com with wooden toys and natural baby wipes and things more to my liking and the one they made for me was full of junk. Three different brands of mylicon? REally? How do you know my babies gonna have that much gas, and why would I even give him that? And TONS of bottles, bottle brushes, nipples, a bottle carrying cooler, etc, when I spcifically have emphasized breastfeeding and I didnt go back to work. I cried when I saw it because it felt like a slap in the face so I can imaginve how you are feeling right now.
I feel for you, I feel sick if Im ungrateful but seriously, theres a line. I rarely will buy something for someone if I dont know if they want it, and then I usually give a giftcard.
If she askes why you havent dressed baby in clothes when baby arrives, can you just say "because I dont care for them"? MIL has never luckily asked.
Best of luck.

[~pi]

mama.

I went through this with my mom. It was an issue most of my life, but really reached an unsupportable limit once grandchildren arrived. The worst stretch was when she was simultaneously buying ridiculous quantities of stuff for us and asking us for loans.

So I get where you are coming from. Really.

I see two issues here: #1, Mom buying too much stuff. #2, Mom buying the wrong stuff.

In my humble opinion, #1 is worth addressing, and #2 is not.

Having BTDT, I would advise you to separate the two in your head. The idea that you can keep people from giving you pale blue and clothes with words on them is unrealistic. And really, once you have your baby boy, chances are very good that you won't care nearly so much about those details. Even if you do still care, it's always useful to have clothes that you don't like as much and don't mind if they get gentian/puke/poop/paint/etc. on them. And you might be surprised how handy a bunch of thin washcloths can be. We used ours for wipes.

However, you can deal with the quantity, simply by refusing to play along. For example, at your shower, tell your mom, "Mom, thank you so much. This is too much to open during the event. I'll open one now and the rest later." Do it in front of a crowd if possible (reduces chances of drama) and stay super, super calm. The phrase, "This is not up for discussion," said firmly and kindly is your friend. Other things I have done include refusing to take things home (the "we don't have space to store it, it will be nice for him to have something special here" argument), donating things I don't need and telling my mom that I donated them (this can be done kindly), and finally, a flat out limit. (Four items total is our limit per gift occasion. I would personally prefer four items per year, but I am willing to compromise.)

And just a note: Learning to deal with your mom in this way -- setting reasonable limits, enforcing them calmly -- could actually really help once your babe is a toddler and preschooler. It definitely helped me. (A family therapist once told my sister in confidence that our mom had the emotional maturity of a three year old, and we needed to learn to deal with her on that level. It was so true, and I swear, going through stuff with my mom helped my parenting a lot.) I know exactly what you are talking about with expecting things to go her way. Trust me, you don't have to go along with it. She might throw a couple of tantrums, but if you keep calmly enforcing your limits, she will almost certainly fall in line eventually She isn't as powerful as you are letting her be.

Again, . I'm sorry you had such a stressful shower. Those are supposed to be fun.

[MaryElizabeth]

This happens all the time in my family with all of the maternal figures. I just remember which pile is from who and dress DD according to who we are going to see that day. I have friends who have no support or family to shower them with love/gifts and I always have to remember that even though I think it is frivolous and unnecessary, to my mom/grandma/mil/step-mom it was important. We will have to deal with others opinions and ideas throughout our entire careers of child raising, so might as well put up that fake smile and learn how to graciously accept gifts now.

[lillymonster]

my IL are the same way. I can't control WHAT they get (everything is from a store that shall remain nameless and has a cartoon character on it, it's cheap, looks terrible and won't last past one child) but the amount was crazy. I understood, DD was the only granddaughter, and at the time they thought they were only have 2 (grandson is 20, so now they get to start all over)

We were able to slow down the amount by saying "DD wants to spend time with YOU, that is the ONLY gift she wants, your time, she doesn't want or need you to bring her anything and I want her to learn to like you and not like you just because you bring things" That started working when she was older.

now if it's something I truly can't stand, I do fib a say that that it has a hole in it, or it's broken or whatever and I need to return it.

It took a long time of repeating ourselves and simply turning down gifts she bought - we don't have room, DD already has it, etc, and she finally got it. DD is 3 1/2, so it didn't happen overnight!

oh and I wanted to add - picking out things the mother will like will happen for a long time - my mother insisted on getting a $45 American Doll itty bitty baby for my DD because she got American Dolls for all the other grand daughters. Well, they played with dolls, my DD does not, and have 3 she NEVER plays with. And she kept saying she liked it because she was talking about it. DD doesn't play with dolls, and I could not convince my mother otherwise. I told her to buy her a jigsaw puzzle- that is what DD likes, and my mom told me no 3 1/2 year old girl likes jigsaw puzzles! *sigh*

[allisonrose]

My MIL is a bit like that as well. She shops at dollar stores so definitely quantity over quality. My hubby believes that you should always be thankful for a gift so no help there. So the clown rattles that had paint chipping off them? Donated. The crocheted outfit and blanket in scratchy yarn? Stuffed in a box. (I appreciate the effort behind it but being a knitter myself, I don't like scratchy yarn. Not against acrylic but there's nice yarns available that aren't terribly expensive.) The electronic drum given to my son on his first Christmas and labelled for 3 y/o's (and a peice of a clearance sticker attached)? Also donated.

As a PP mentioned, gifts tend to be more about the giver than the receiver. Try to talk to her but in the end, smiling and doing what you think is best with those gifts might be all you can do.

[GuildJenn]

I just wanted to say the thin washclothes are great for getting in the neck folds so don't donate all of those.

I agree with PPs. You can probably address quantity but you can't address quality without getting rude. I think a lot of families have one person like that.

In my case the bags AND BAGS of stuff my mother produced wasn't new - it was from the attic, with 35-year-old stained and I mean STAINED onsies with rusted snaps and literally disintegrating rubber diaper covers from 1971. No joke. The latest incident involved a can of tinkertoys, many splintered, which had raccoon pee all over it. (Tinkertoys are a neat toy BUT...)

How I tend to handle it is I do talk about space and quality, but when the stuff arrives, I thank my mother, talk to my son privately, and move it to wherever it should go (donation, trash, hazardous waste... ). If my mother is looking for it I don't lie and I'm sure it has occasionally hurt her feelings, but I just try to be grateful as well as honest. There are worse things than having to make a dump run every now and then.

[Adaline'sMama]

As this is your mother, not a "guest" of the shower, I think it is totally appropriate to talk to her about the gifts she is giving you. I think you should make it about the quanity, and tell her that you need stuff that takes up the minimal amount of space. I would leave the clothes issue alone, grandmas want to get to make some desicions about what their grandbaby will wear. Thats fine, he can wear those clothes when you go to her house. I dont think you mother qualifies as a normal gift giver that you should politely thank and then regift/return/donate her items. She is a part of your life and will be around to notice that all of the stuff she gave you is gone. I would ask her for some of the reciepts and ask her if she would like to go with you to exchange some of the items for things that you really need. I think if you offer her to go with you, and she still gets to be a part of it, she will be more recepitive of your requests in the future.

[ryleeee]

oh man, how frustrating. <3

just an idea about some of the stuff you don't want to keep, you could always donate it to a church who will send it overseas to kids in need. our church (the church of the nazarene, maybe there's one near you?) helps fill big boxes with books and food etc and sends it over twice a year i think. i'm sure there are lots of organizations like this, world vision etc.

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

The latest incident involved a can of tinkertoys, many splintered, which had raccoon pee all over it. (Tinkertoys are a neat toy BUT...)

my mother wanted to give me my dad's old bassinet. My dad was born in 1934. My sisters used it (they are 13 years old than me - their kids are in their 20s now) so she was upset I didn't use it. But it had a huge hole in the side, like big enough for my arm to fit through, and was rotted in other spots. Now I am not normally one to get all freaked out about safety issues, but come on, really anyone would look at that and think it was a bad idea. And her response was "just put a blanket over it" I would have love to taken it though, just to put in the dump. I know it was my dad's but I think it also belong to a family of mice at one point!

The thing is that this might happen for a long long time, so if you can't mention anything to her, then you just have to get used to donating or throwing away things. If things are new, you can return most without receipts now. My sisters told me a long time ago, don't feel bad, just get rid of it. She recently gave my daughter "stadium seats" so you have a cushion when you go to places like football games, I mean, for a 3 year old? Is that really something a 3 year old needs? It's a bin of things to go to goodwill.

[Aliy]

it's tough... but iwht perservence it can get better... my mil has one more than one occasion got very bad gifts... but this year finally at $ everything was thought out and great. We regualry remind her of our family values and how the kids don't need a bunch of toys and stuff...... i got away from two birthdays with two hot wheels cars two airplanes and a kitchen set for toys... the rest was clothes ( good quality) games books or art supplies... I was so happy finally my unsublte ness worked. I was never rude but would comment how intersting things were and how i was unsure how they were going to work for the kids...

be nice but firm and set boundaries..... it may not go well but you may have to actually say lets pick out a few things that will work and unfortuantly the rest can stay at your place we just don't have the room..

[MamaFern]

my mom is like this as well and it makes me crazy. i have convinced her to mostly shop at thrift stores, that way i know whe didnt spend lots of $ on things i dont want/need, it is much more ethical to buy pre-used things and i have no bad feelings re-donating.
she is worse buying things for my older kids, but by now she knows that if i dont think its appropraite, or if we dont have space for it I WILL send it to the thrift shop, or i make her take it back with her (she lives far away so always brings a van load of "stuff" when she comes) she tries, and sometimes succeeds on getting nice, useful things, but i think about 70% of what she brings goes out in a matter of weeks..
I agree though that trying to convince them not to buy certain things just doesn't really work.. and i have tried for going on 8 years with my mom. unfortunately often the things she brings my kids LOVE even though i do not..so we have to compromise sometimes. and we have way WAY too many clothes because she often does get great stuff at the thrift shops in terms of clothing..im constantly trying to weed out things..
i hope that you can come to some sort of peace with it all. sometimes i get so frustrated i cry because i know my mom is trying in her way to show she loves my kids, i just wish she didnt feel like That was love.. KWIM?

[asobakabosa]

ha! you lucky one you are getting new new stuff!
my mom in law already packed up a box full of diapers, undershirts and clothing from the time when my husband was a newborn!!! she was kipping this stuff 27 years!and now here we go! My turn to keep it -)
i don't care. really. just enjoying me being pregnant

[finnegansmom]

I'm sorry. I understand that it's hard to be stuck in the place between feeling ungrateful yet feeling frustrated since the gifts are so not your style. I would talk to her and let herk now, that you appreciate her generosity but that you would prefer maybe just one or two small gifts instead of this many, since you don't have the room right now and want to keep it simple. I would ask for receipts and return most of them and use the money to buy a few nice things you want. I'm not a "shower" person myself, we did have a small family shower and I got a few random outfits and onsies and things, that I returned - not to be mean but I didn't see my winter baby needing that many short sleeved outfits considering we lived in Maine, and of the course the only winter outfit was in a size he would wear at 1+ years (in the summer).

Although I would keep the handmade blanket, I received a few of those and kept them all, I have a soft spot for handmade things, even if it's not something you might make or buy yourself. At least some thought went into it.

[hollytheteacher]

Just a quick suggestion...I also have told my mom several times that I do not like clothes with words on them. Especially because with toddler boys the words are always so rude/classless/inappropriate. Well anyway, she recently bought him a sweatshirt that said "property of mom and dad" on it I can't stand that type of saying on a child, but the actual sweatshirt was very soft and well-made. SO what I did was, found some fabric that ds really liked (with airplanes on it) and sewed it over top of the words!! Violla! problem solved

[Katielady]

I have similar issues with my mom. There are some good suggestions in my old thread about it here:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1264446

I really sympathize. It feels invasive to have stuff forced on you and your household that you don't want.

[Lyss]

I felt like that about my mom's overzealous giving, and my MIL's quantity over quality shopping. We got loads of generic, heavily scented baby wash with parabens, etc. at the shower, and a lot of formula accessories (I was planning to breastfeed). Packets of onesies from the sale rack missing some onesies (already open) going up to 24mo!

I was really irritated like this by DH's family's gifts at our wedding. Just junk, you know? Probably bought at a yardsale, and nothing we would ever use.

Not to be a downer. MIL died unexpectedly right after DS was born when she was 55, and her mother, who gave VERY STRANGE and inappropriate gifts, died shortly thereafter. I can't tell you how carefully we treat those gifts now. And many of them, honestly, we found uses for. We, too, live in a small space. A very small space.

I find myself wishing I had been more grateful and just enjoyed the excitement and love they put into picking those things out.

My mom also saved all of my baby clothes, crib, etc. I'm 37, and a lot of those clothes were gender-neutral. Both DD and DS have worn my old jackets and sweatshirts and t-shirts. They used my old training underpants, which were WAY more absorbent than the ones I bought for them. And I felt good about reusing. I also, as a mom that frequently goes through my kids' clothes picking out the things that no longer fit, can understand how my mom couldn't bear to part with them.

It's hard to see now, but I always think giving a gift is fun. You do your best to pick out something that makes you happy thinking of the other person using it (usually because you think it will make them happy!) and after that, it's out of your control. My mom does love to shop, and loves the attention of salespeople and loves to tell people about what she gives the kids. She recently bought me boxes of (mishmash sale rack and not my style) maternity clothes. This is my third pregnancy - I also got handmedowns for this pregnancy. I just took everything back and sent her the gift card they credited the clothes to with a note thanking her, but telling her to use the money for a treat for herself. I can't say I wasn't annoyed having to drag my two kids to the store and let the sales people figure out how to return all that stuff and then to the post office to send the card registered back to her, but I love that she loves me so much and is so excited that she wants to feel like a part of this.

Family is hard. But it's so nice to have people who love you and your children and are excited for you!