Deciding between in-country and international adoption - Page 2

[sugarandspice697]

Oh, and to answer the OP's question... We chose to do embryo donation instead of traditional adoption.

Our three reasons were very simple to us. The first was we found that is was difficult for "non-traditional" couples to adopt both domestically and internationally unless were were open to special needs. We called and e-mailed several agencies and many refused to work with us because we were a lesbian couple or because we did not attend church regularly. Many agencies also told us that most birth mothers prefer heterosexual, married Christan couples and I felt like it was a waste of my time to go through a process where DW and I would be considered the bottom of the barrel in regards to familial preferences. International adoption was out because we would have to misrepresent our family in order to adopt. We didn't feel comfortable being in the closet and jeopardizing the entire program for single women just to have a baby

The second reason was because adoption was expensive. I understand that foster care is affordable but the process is unpredictable and most of the children have medical needs that we were not comfortable with. We didn't feel like we could parent a child with FAS or severe emotional disorders. We looked into domestic adoption but most agencies told us the entire cost would be at least 20K and the cheaper agencies had extremely long time lines. International adoption would cost at least 25K and we could not afford to spend that much money after wasting 50K on failed at home insemination with donor sperm, IUIs and IVF cycles.

The third reason was because of thought of "advertising" for a baby. I didn't feel like it was my job to "prove" to a birth mother that I was the perfect parent, that my partner and I had the biggest house in the best school district in the middle of the cookie cutter suburbs or that we drove brand new cars and plan on buying a mini van once the baby came home. I didn't feel comfortable plastering photos of DP and I playing with my friend's children and pretending that our relationship with our parents is flawless and they don't see anything wrong with two lesbians wanted to become mommies. To me, it seemed stupid for us to explain to a complete stranger how normal how my partner and I are when I know deep in my heart that we are eccentric and different and we don't plan on changing our lifestyle for a birth mother to consider us.

After hitting a brick wall with all of the adoption options, we decided to try embryo donation for our second child. When we went to the clinic for my mock transfer, they treated DP and I like any other couple. We were given the "list" of available embryos and we chose my daughter's biological family because we had a special connection with them. They both had the same careers as DP and I, they had similar personalities to us and they were okay with Black lesbians parenting an Asian child. approximately 1 year later for that day I was laying in the hospital with our daughter. It was the most exciting and happiest day of my life despite the fact I was naked and bloody in front of complete strangers and had cramps that hurt so badly. I wouldn't trade our experience for the world and we're doing it again for the next child.

[AllyRae]

For us, it was an easy decision.  I have a friend who runs a domestic adoption agency and she said in her honest opinion, there is virtually no chance of a match with domestic infant adoption if you have multiple biological children already.  She said most birth parents want to pick families that are childless or who only have adopted children, and that in her agency, people with a family structure like ours often wait years, even if they don't specify a race or gender.  We can't do foster-adopt either, for personal reasons.  So, international adoption was our main option because they don't really care if you have biological children already...or at least most countries don't.  (We did Vietnam for our first IA, and are 99.9% sure we're doing China Special Needs for our second IA).  That, and I just prefer the structure of getting a referral from the government agency vs waiting and having to be picked in a domestic adoption--it feels too much like 'being the last picked for the gym class team".  I get *why* the system is in place like that (everyone deserves to find the best parents possible for their birth children), but I personally don't want to sit there for years hoping someone picks us, and finding out it's just something about our family structure, or religion, or looks that they don't like.

[BCFD]

We went the fost/adopt route because:

We are lesbians and were not going to lie about our family.  We were not interested in doing a single parent international adoption and then going through the CA courts to do a second parent adoption.

DP was not attracted to paying an attorney an elaborate amount of money to become a parent.

Neither of us were interested in being "chosen" by a birth mom.  It just did not feel right to us.

In our county, all you have to do is raise your hand for a newborn.  For whatever reason, there is a huge demand for adoptive parents of newborn babies here.  As first time parents, we wanted to experience a newborn and see witness all of those milestones. :)

We wanted to have as much information about the birth family as possible.  We were successful in creating an open adoption (with two different birth families) and it was important for us to have that.  Fost/adopt allowed us to find the birth parents easily.

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

For us, it was an easy decision.  I have a friend who runs a domestic adoption agency and she said in her honest opinion, there is virtually no chance of a match with domestic infant adoption if you have multiple biological children already.  She said most birth parents want to pick families that are childless or who only have adopted children, and that in her agency, people with a family structure like ours often wait years, even if they don't specify a race or gender. 

Is this in the US?  Because we did a domestic infant adoption with two bio kids, ages 5 and 3.  My son's birth mom chose us BECAUSE we were experienced parents and she wanted her baby to have older sibs.

[rebyell]

Originally Posted by Whistler 

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

For us, it was an easy decision.  I have a friend who runs a domestic adoption agency and she said in her honest opinion, there is virtually no chance of a match with domestic infant adoption if you have multiple biological children already.  She said most birth parents want to pick families that are childless or who only have adopted children, and that in her agency, people with a family structure like ours often wait years, even if they don't specify a race or gender. 

Is this in the US?  Because we did a domestic infant adoption with two bio kids, ages 5 and 3.  My son's birth mom chose us BECAUSE we were experienced parents and she wanted her baby to have older sibs.

We also adopted through an agency, domestically in 2009. We had 2 young bio children at the time, the adoption took 5 months from signing with an agency until our daughters birth.  I also have a friend who adopted through a different agency the same year. They had 6 bio children and the adoption took 9 months.  Both our family and hers were open to race.

[CrazyCatLady]

I have placed two (almost three) kids in domestic adoptions.  I specifically look for families that already have kids in the home.  The family that adopted my son already had four kids when I placed him!  I may end up placing this baby as well, and I will again look for a family that already has kids (the more the merrier).

I could just be an exception to the rule.  But I even doubt that because I personally know a lot of other birth moms who share my feelings on that issue.  Just wanted to share since it is always so hard for me to find AP adoptive families.  I'd hate to think they are being chased off by agencies with incorrect info (though that could be the problem, I dislike agencies and avoid them when possible).

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady 

Just wanted to share since it is always so hard for me to find AP adoptive families.  I'd hate to think they are being chased off by agencies with incorrect info (though that could be the problem, I dislike agencies and avoid them when possible).

You know, I bet wrong information is one of the "problems" for AP parents on both sides. Not just family size but, you know, will you be accepted by the social workers, etc.

I do think many of us here feel like the social workers won't "get" us. A year or two ago, before we were ready to hope to adopt, I went to an information meeting about doing crisis care for babies. I left feeling like we would be judged and would never be chosen to do anything. I had thought of it so carefully, making sure that we felt dd was old enough to deal with the babies coming and going. Most of the other people there came with babies and toddlers, and seemed about as far from AP as possible. The meeting shocked me in so many ways and I returned home thinking we were never going to do anything that involved social services. Even now that we are hoping to adopt, I don't look forward to the home study! We have made so many decisions after lots of thinking and studying and, yet, these are the very things that many think make us way too strange, and not the right parents for their baby. It is frustrating. I bet there are many AP families like us out there, who feel frustrated and like they are being pressured not to show their true selves.

[aclee]

With our first adoption we considered foster care first and decided we wanted to be parents of an infant and know 100% that infant was ours from day 1.  Foster care and foster to adopt in this area doesn't offer that so we were not comfortable with the risk for our first.  We considered ETH and Haiti and then I read an article about how many AA babies in the US were being adopted to couples in other countries and it was sort of a no brainer for us.  If we were open to race and gender we would be quickly matched and would get a newborn instead of (at best) a 8 or 9 month old from international.  We had not really decided how to adopt the second time when we were sent a listing of a domestic special needs 2.5 month old.  He was MINE :)  Less than a month later he was home.  Same deal this time around.  We were not waiting or looking with any real intensity and our daughter found us.  Turns out she's in Congo.  We hope she will be home this summer.