DM buys too many branded clothes for kids; am i just ungrateful?

[OliveJewel]

We have two boys, ages 5 and 2. With my first we got lots of hand-me-downs and I weeded through them to find all the natural fiber clothes without logos, brands, or too many pictures and words on them. I had a small-ish selection that I felt worked really well.

When the second baby was born we began co-habiting with my parents, who I love and we get along really well. My mom is very generous with her time and also her money. I never ask for her to buy clothes for the boys and she has told me at times that money is tight for her and my dad. But she has a tendency to go through times where she buys clothes. She tries not to buy for herself anymore and so rationalizes it by the fact that she is buying it for the boys. She often goes to places that sell lots of branded merchandise and either lets the 5yo pick out the clothes or even encourages him to choose the branded ones. She also "helped me out" by going through all the clothes that I had been saving for the 2yo and took out ones that she says were the wrong size. The style of clothes that she buys for the 2yo is not the style that I would choose, like artificial fabric or stiff pants.

My husband and I have been hearing the 5yo talk lots about the certain brands or logos that he chooses and we don't put that talk down but just say that is not our preference if he asks.

I sort of want to talk to my mom but feel like she is being so generous with her money that we are so lucky to have someone who takes her own time and money to take the boys shopping. I know that she must really enjoy taking them out and letting them have free choice. And even though she gave away the clothes that I really liked for the boys, how can I complain if she keeps buying more for them?

I am only going to lightly discuss this if the subject comes up... just say something about how brands and logos seem to be taking on a greater importance to the 5yo and how I wouldn't want him to think that that *is* something so important. Mostly I think that if DH and I continue to give our own counter-opinion to the matter maybe he will eventually be able to weigh the matter on his own. I *do* think that it is extremely normal for kids to be fascinated with brands and logos at some point in their development.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Do you deal with this kind of thing in some way?

[Drummer's Wife]

Well, I prefer certain brand names b/c they really do hold up better and can be passed down among my 4 kids.... so, I wouldn't be complaining about that, personally; however, the logo thing is more understandable, IMO, as is the stiff/scratchy fabric issue. I would just say something like, "Thanks for caring enough to buy the kids new clothes, but we really prefer cotton, etc., and I don't care to have huge logos across their chest. I'd rather not be advertising for GAP every time we leave the house."

I'm guessing it's just a phase w/your 5 yo - one that may come back in the pre-teen/teen years, but I think he's just noticing and recognizing the brands b/c they are similar. Surely he doesn't know what's "in" or not at 5, but I dunno! My 7 yr old could care less about what his tags say (even if I happen to), and certainly my 5 and 3 yo don't notice at this point. My 9 yo DD does a little bit - but for her, cuteness is more important then where the clothing was purchased. She'd much rather have a new outfit from walmart if it's her style over something I might be drooling over from Janie & Jack.

I guess I would just be nice about it, but mention your concerns and your preferences. I'm betting they are just assuming they are doing right in buying more well-known brands that have the appearance of being well-made.

[Smithie]

Since you are cohabitating, I think you need to go with the flow on this one. WRT stuff like "stiff pants," you can probably mention that they're uncomfortable and buy suitable pants yourself - that's a comfort issue, and you're advocating for your child. WRT tacky logos, it's probably best just to ignore the whole thing. When YOU buy stuff, buy what you like. When your mom buys, she buys what SHE likes.

It must have been so irritating to have the useful stuff you've set aside tossed for being "out of style." The entire concept of "style" for a toddler is crazy, of course. But just because you are right doesn't mean that you have to insist on getting your way on something as inherently trivial as clothing.

[Storm Bride]

I'd just roll with the purchases (but that's also easy for me to say, because brands/logos aren't high on my list of priorities). However, I'd be upset about her going through the stuff you'd set aside. I wasn't sure from your OP, but did she actually get rid of some clothes?

If you're with your mom and ds when they shop, you could try steering her/him to other clothes ("oh, look, mom - these pants would be so comfortable for him when he's at the playground", yk?). Other than that, I don't really have many suggestions.

[Norasmomma]

I'd have to go with the flow on this one, because you are living together and she's your mom buying your kids clothing. My mom and I have vastly different tastes, and when she buys stuff sometimes I don't approve, but she's buying. I would gently suggest you are not into huge logos and such, and if the pants are stiff tell her your son is small and needs to comfortable to move. My mom also just doesn't think, LOTS of things she gives as gifts are impractical to say the least(not just clothing, but toys, etc...)

I have to agree with Drummer's Wife on some of the points, many brands are just better when it comes to kid's clothing, Hanna Andersson, Gymboree, Children's Place, ect....they just have higher quality and cuter clothing IMO(and yes to me cute is a factor, because I like to look nice, so I want my family to also). Now my DD(4) may not know what brands are what, BUT I can tell you the girl knows what is cool and what is not, she has a very keen sense of fashion and likes to look good. The kid has even told me that I need to "mix it up" or that she wants me to change into another outfit.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by OliveJewel

My mom is very generous with her time and also her money. I never ask for her to buy clothes for the boys and she has told me at times that money is tight for her and my dad. But she has a tendency to go through times where she buys clothes.

Slightly different response here: I would introduce your mother AND your son to the world of thrift stores. Talk to her about saving the environment and finding clothes that still have a lot of life in them. Talk to him about reducing, reusing, and recycling. Bob the Builder is great for this if he will still watch that show but also WordGirl.

You're probably not going to change her ways and she will probably get defensive if you try so gently encourage her to modify her shopping habits somewhat without sounding too controlling. Maybe make a monthly shopping trip date for you and she so that you all can explore all the thrift stores in your area.

[Storm Bride]

Oh - good point about the thrift stores. I'd skimmed over the part about her mom's financial situation and such. Thrift stores would make a lot of sense.

I agree that changing her habits could come across as too controlling. But, you can also spin it that she can get more bang for her buck at the thrift stores. And, thrift stores can have a more limited selection in some ways, but they also have a huge selection in other ways.

[Norasmomma]

Yeah thrift stores can be great for buying name brand at a super deal. That's where I get all my name-brand stuff because I have a champagne taste on a beer budget. I love high quality, but not the price.

[pregnant@40]

Personally, I would pick my battles. To me, it's great that your Mom is enjoying her role as a grandmother & bonding w/ the kids in her own way. Yeah, they are not your preferred style, but it seems to make her really happy to "spoil" the kids. It is her attempt to provide to your kids the best of the best.

I like the approach you brought up, to discuss your feelings in a light-hearted and non-accusatory manner. You could tell her that in the long run, having a 5 yo who is so brand aware may not help him out socially on the playground (since kids like to brag & compare, and kids w/out brands may feel marginalized). Also, that you want for him to know that there are more important things in life than clothes, such as personal character. Finally, that you prefer soft clothes, even if used, over stiff brand-names (though as an aside, there is a brand-name called Naartjie that is incredibly comfy and cute, in addition to affordable! Maybe bring up another brand, if she wants to buy brands?).

But I would also thank her for the time/resources she has spent on your children, and let her know that she is a really awesome grandmother. Make sure to point out all of the things that the kids really like to do w/ her, such as go to the park, make things, cook, etc... whatever other activities they do w/ her that do not involve clothes or shopping. Maybe she just needs to feel appreciation at this stage in her life.

[treeoflife3]

Well, I'm not the type to believe that just because you are co-habiting means you have to just take whatever the homeowner wants so my opinion probably won't be the same as the majority, but I think that first off, your mom should be held accountable for getting rid of YOUR things. That is unacceptable and rude. It would take extreme circumstances for me to believe I could get rid of someone else's clothes without their consent. Secondly, because it is your children, you do deserve a say in what clothes they wear. If it were my mom, I'd explain to her that I greatly appreciate her gifting my children with clothing but that we don't want such an emphasis on brands/logos and we prefer natural fibers to synthetics. Actually, I HAVE told my mom this. She still buys a couple irresistable outfits that don't match my preference, but she now makes it a point to try and find things I am happy with as well considering she is MY child. I get to make the final decision for everything concerning her. This was still true when I did live with my mom although I do agree that some things do need to just slide... but a 5 year old definitely shouldn't be going on about brands and logos.

I agree about talking to her about thrift stores and encouraging your children to be interested in reusing and recycling. At the very least, even if they still come home with brands and synthetics, you know it didn't cost a great deal of money and although synthetic, it will be kinder to the environment since it isn't brand new.

For sure though, I would defintiely be putting my foot down at someone getting rid of my children's clothing. That is absolutely absurd.

[waiting2bemommy]

When I lived with my mom we had this problem, except in reverse---she didn't like brand names, and I do, for a variety of reasons. We used to fight about it because she would try to keep me from buying clothes I liked for ds, or she would just get rid of what I did buy, or buy what SHE thought he should wear.


1) this is my child so I get final say about clothing. If it is really ridiculous or inapproipriate it doesn't get worn. for me that means nothing written on dd's butt and season appropriate clothing.

2) you do NOT under any circumstances rearrange my child's dresser drawers or throw away his clothing that I have bought.

that being said, I learned to roll with it. I mean, it's not a reflection on ME if she takes him out in mismatched clothes or whatever, so when he is with her, I let her dress him how she wants. When I came home, I would immediately change his clothes before taking him anywhere.

I think it is normal for two different generations to disagree on clothes styles. It is something that won't hurt anyone, so I don't think I would make a big deal unless there is a specific issue (like the stiff pants, although if you washed them a few times first, maybe that would help?). It's not like the kid cares!

[Polliwog]

My kids don't have anything that has the store's logo on it but they do have a lot of Gymboree and GAP. Most of it is all cotton, not scratchy, and comfy. Most (all?) bought during sales. If you learn how to shop those stores and combining sales with coupons, you can get great quality clothing for very little money (often Target or Walmart prices.) My kids clothes look almost brand new when they outgrow them (except for a few of my DS's shirt sleeves) and resell for almost what I paid.

[OliveJewel]

Thank you for all the kind responses! I think we will definitely roll with it for the most part. I think my main issue is with the licensed character logos... the brands are not as big of a deal unless they are advertising the brand loudly. But the light-up Star Wars shoes I could definitely do without!

Fortunately we have a great thrift store, Savers, in town that she also shops at and, you're right, I don't seem to mind those purchases *as* much, although I still prefer the stripes or solids I am realizing that I really don't like even pictures on the kids shirts! But even the 2yo asks, "Where's my motorcycle shirt?"

My husband is generally much better at steering the kids toward simple quality purchases, but I can be more pro-active if I am at the store. I rarely go with them as I actually avoid clothes shopping and wear clothes forever. It's funny because my mom took me clothes shopping A LOT when I was a kid and it was just never in my personality to be a clothes-horse.

Yes, I believe she may have actually given some of the clothes away, but I don't want to pin her down about that. If some of the clothes are too scratchy or stiff I will just tell her that they are uncomfortable or don't fit right and then go to a resale shop and trade them.

Before I was married I traveled a lot and in some of the places I traveled I met families who wished for just one good pair of pants or shoes for their small children. That really puts things in perspective for me in these times. I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it really is. I think the conversation will come up some night at dinner after everyone has had their glass of wine and then we will probably just laugh about it!

Thanks for the discussion!

[Polliwog]

I've been a teacher for years and it's very common for five-year-olds (and younger) to be very interested in having pictures on their clothing. Little kids aren't usually drawn to stripes and solid shirts.

Like I said, my kids (ages six and three) don't have any store logo clothing and they don't have any shirts with tv or movie characters on them. But, they have lots of shirts with animals, musical instruments, dinosaurs, cars, flowers, etc. on the front. On days when they pick out their own clothes (DS likes me to do it for him. STBAD some days) they usually pick a shirt that has a picture on it. And every day since school started, my three-year-old asks "What shirt am I going to wear tomorrow" when I come to pick her up from Pre-K.

[lilyka]

I think if your kids are choosing the clothes (and it is very understandable that they are drawn to the cool stuff with pictures and words on it over plain solids and stripes and shoes that light up. ) then you should let them wear what they want so long as it is not truly inappropriate. They are only kids once and your mom is willing to buy them really fun stuff like light up shoes. Its not like they can really enjoy those once they are old enough to make their own decisions with their money.

HOWEVER

I would definitely have a talk about her throwing out stuff you like. That is not ok.

and if you want to pick something to beg her for mercy in I would ask her to look for things that are all natural fibers. Cotton is so easy to find. and I don't think that is asking too much.

[Norasmomma]

I think a 2 year old asking for his motorcycle shirt is pretty normal, little kids have ideas of what they like. My DD always wanted her "bee dress", they like what they like. She still wants to wear that dress and it's about 2 sizes too small.

[Smokering]

I've let DD wear a fair few clothes I consider slightly tacky (generic pinkpinkpink not-very-well-made stuff) because they were handmedowns, so I'm not a complete stickler. I do prefer that people not buy DD clothes that were likely to be made in sweatshops, though. Recently MIL bought DD two shirts with the explanation "I know you don't approve of sweatshops, but I wanted to buy her something". I found that kind of... not offensive exactly, but hilariously clueless. Kinda like "I know you're a vegetarian, but I got you a steak anyway" or "I realise you're anti-blood diamonds, but this was so shiny I thought you just had to have it!".

The harm was done, so I smiled graciously and DD loves the shirts. Sigh. However. MOST people, I hope, would take an ethical stance more seriously than a preference - so could you frame it as an environmental or sweatshop issue, and guide your mother towards thrift stores if she feels the need to buy?

[Bluegoat]

Originally Posted by Smokering

I've let DD wear a fair few clothes I consider slightly tacky (generic pinkpinkpink not-very-well-made stuff) because they were handmedowns, so I'm not a complete stickler. I do prefer that people not buy DD clothes that were likely to be made in sweatshops, though. Recently MIL bought DD two shirts with the explanation "I know you don't approve of sweatshops, but I wanted to buy her something". I found that kind of... not offensive exactly, but hilariously clueless. Kinda like "I know you're a vegetarian, but I got you a steak anyway" or "I realise you're anti-blood diamonds, but this was so shiny I thought you just had to have it!".

The harm was done, so I smiled graciously and DD loves the shirts. Sigh. However. MOST people, I hope, would take an ethical stance more seriously than a preference - so could you frame it as an environmental or sweatshop issue, and guide your mother towards thrift stores if she feels the need to buy?

This is funny. I think sometimes people have a hard time finding things. I have mentioned a few times to my MIL that I try not to buy things from China, or that I try to stick to toys made in certain places - she totally doesn't connect it to what she gets for the kids. Even when she asks and i try to suggest something I think is easy - like playmobile sets - she says "oh, where can I get those"? I think - "um, a toy store???" I think she is probably shopping at Walmart or The Bay or something.

My dd's favorite outfit is a pink polyester sweat suit, with ruffles, with a character of some kind on the led - we don't really know who she is - that my aunt gave her.

[KristyDi]

Originally Posted by OliveJewel

Fortunately we have a great thrift store, Savers, in town that she also shops at and, you're right, I don't seem to mind those purchases *as* much, although I still prefer the stripes or solids I am realizing that I really don't like even pictures on the kids shirts! But even the 2yo asks, "Where's my motorcycle shirt?"

My DD is 2 and very opinionated about her clothes. She likes shirts with pictures. I usually put out 2 or 3 shirts for her to choose from and if I include a solid shirt it is not picked 9 times out of 10. She has her truck shirt, and her monkey shirt, and her puppy shirt. I generally avoid licensed characters, especially since she dosen't really know who most of them are and I find most of them tacky. She does have a Star Wars shirt and a few Sesame Street shirts, but they're kinda subtle and not garishly colored.

I think it's normal for kids to like having their clothes decorated with things they can identify. DD loves to point out what ever is on her clothes to everyone who talks to her. Her favorite right now is a yellow smiley face patch I put on the bib of some overalls for her. She saw the patch in the fabric store and fell in love with it. When she wears the overalls she proudly points to her chest and says, "Smiley Face!" to pretty much everyone.

ETA I also refuse to put DD in shirts that say things I don't want to be true about her. ie "Diva" or "Trouble" or "Spoiled" or "Shopaholic" etc In fact that may be my only clothing rule with no flexibility.

[Drummer's Wife]

Oh! It's totally normal for them to want to wear a character shirt or a sweater with a horse on it. When you said he preferred certain brands and logs of clothing, I assumed you meant WRT name brands - which would be a little odd for a really young child to even notice them, especially before they can read.