How do I do this financially?

[SummerLove]

I told DH that I am done, I want out... thing is, we are so poor. How do we split up when we are barely making ends meet together, let alone apart? I am a full time student, paying part of the bills with my student money, and he has a low-wage job. There is no way either of us can afford our current home (and the lease ends in May... soooo far away!), plus utilities in two separate household, without even paying child support.

I do have an extra room I could try to rent out to cover utility costs.. however, DH is not going to be very good about giving up this house- even though it's not ours he's invested a lot of care into it (like his veggie garden/greenhouse), but I know he can't afford it.. and while he could also rent out the extra room, I'm not comfortable with some strange guy living with my kids part time (unless he found a friend that I trust to move in).

I am already on FS (I don't qualify because I am a student, but my kids are), what else is there?

I am considering moving into student family housing, which is pretty inexpensive, and includes cable/internet, but like I said- I am in this lease until May.

advice? help? I'm terrified!

[Smithie]

Is your husband going to try to take primary physical custody of your kids if you move with them into student housing? Will he go to court and try to remove them from your care?

If you think not:

1. File for divorce
2. Move ASAP, and notify your landlord in writing that you have filed for divorce and moved out. Call all the utility companies and tell them that you no longer reside there - if the utility is in your name, it will be turned off. If not, you are not liable for whatever bills STBX runs up.
3. Stop paying anything on the rent and utilities of your STBX's place. He may or may not stop paying the rent and/or utilties. You may or may not wind up liable for a portion of that money at some point. But those are little tiny concerns compared to a) getting out and b) keeping your children with you. If a) and b) are covered, then TO HECK with the rent and utilities. If you have your freedom and your kids, then you are doing A-OK for a low income single mama and things will only get better from here on out.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Is your husband going to try to take primary physical custody of your kids if you move with them into student housing? Will he go to court and try to remove them from your care?

If you think not:

1. File for divorce
2. Move ASAP, and notify your landlord in writing that you have filed for divorce and moved out. Call all the utility companies and tell them that you no longer reside there - if the utility is in your name, it will be turned off. If not, you are not liable for whatever bills STBX runs up.
3. Stop paying anything on the rent and utilities of your STBX's place. He may or may not stop paying the rent and/or utilties. You may or may not wind up liable for a portion of that money at some point. But those are little tiny concerns compared to a) getting out and b) keeping your children with you. If a) and b) are covered, then TO HECK with the rent and utilities. If you have your freedom and your kids, then you are doing A-OK for a low income single mama and things will only get better from here on out.

No, I don't think so. I want joint custody, and the only thing that scares me about it, is he seams to think I'm going to take the kids from him, so I'm afraid he'll try to take them to prevent that... I am still nursing ds2, though, and he knows he couldn't handle middle of the night feedings.

I have an ethical dilemma with our lease.. we're renting from a really nice, good, family, and I don't want to screw them over.

[pregnant@40]

Another option (unless you're in a situation of abuse, then leave asap) is to reconsider leaving the marriage & give it your all-out best shot in making it work for the sake of the children. If you've already done this, then please disregard this post.

This strategy would work if you both have even a glimmer of urge to stay together, though wanting different circumstances. It would require counseling & household rules such as mutual honesty, being nice/respectful to one another, both at least attempting to communicate, practicing appreciation rather than criticism, and lowering your expectations about your marriage. You could discuss a timeline w/ him, such as one good year to give it your very best w/out any talk of divorce or separation. In the meantime, save up your finances and think of a backup plan if it doesn't work out. If hubby is not on board w/ the rules or counseling, then work on your portion of the relationship (since ultimately it's all you can control).

Why it's a smart idea to me (in certain circumstances, of course):

1) Usually when a marriage falls apart, communication is really bad. If you do indeed eventually divorce, you will still have a lifetime relationship w/ this person when discussing custody and parenting. For all parties involved (you, husband, kids), this transition will go more smoothly if communication is effective and non-conflictual.
2) Divorce harms children. There can be lasting psychological repercussions. Knowing that you gave it your "best shot" for a year will allow you to walk away from this marriage w/ a clean conscience, if it comes to that. And you will know inside that you truly did all you possibly could to make it work.
3) Marriages have their ups and downs. You are both obviously under a great deal of stress due to financial reasons, and b/c you're in school. Once upon a time you were in love w/ this man, so maybe some of those feelings can be rekindled. Hard core counseling may help illuminate how you each contributed to reaching this point of discussing divorce, help you rediscover what it is you both found appealing about marriage in the first place, and create a new, stronger kind of relationship.
4) A year will provide time for both of you to be in a better place financially.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40

Another option (unless you're in a situation of abuse, then leave asap) is to reconsider leaving the marriage & give it your all-out best shot in making it work for the sake of the children. If you've already done this, then please disregard this post.

This strategy would work if you both have even a glimmer of urge to stay together, though wanting different circumstances. It would require counseling & household rules such as mutual honesty, being nice/respectful to one another, both at least attempting to communicate, practicing appreciation rather than criticism, and lowering your expectations about your marriage. You could discuss a timeline w/ him, such as one good year to give it your very best w/out any talk of divorce or separation. In the meantime, save up your finances and think of a backup plan if it doesn't work out. If hubby is not on board w/ the rules or counseling, then work on your portion of the relationship (since ultimately it's all you can control).

Why it's a smart idea to me (in certain circumstances, of course):

1) Usually when a marriage falls apart, communication is really bad. If you do indeed eventually divorce, you will still have a lifetime relationship w/ this person when discussing custody and parenting. For all parties involved (you, husband, kids), this transition will go more smoothly if communication is effective and non-conflictual.
2) Divorce harms children. There can be lasting psychological repercussions. Knowing that you gave it your "best shot" for a year will allow you to walk away from this marriage w/ a clean conscience, if it comes to that. And you will know inside that you truly did all you possibly could to make it work.
3) Marriages have their ups and downs. You are both obviously under a great deal of stress due to financial reasons, and b/c you're in school. Once upon a time you were in love w/ this man, so maybe some of those feelings can be rekindled. Hard core counseling may help illuminate how you each contributed to reaching this point of discussing divorce, help you rediscover what it is you both found appealing about marriage in the first place, and create a new, stronger kind of relationship.
4) A year will provide time for both of you to be in a better place financially.

We separated 2 years ago and went to counseling then. Counseling was terrible- he used it against me and twisted it around to his benefit. I did decide to give it another shot, but obviously, here I am 2 years later feeling the same every day as I did 2 years ago.

[DaughterOfKali]

See if you can find a lawyer who does family law that will take your case pro bono.

Look into getting TANF (it's sometimes called AFDC or TAFDC.) You probably won't qualify for it until your legally separated or divorced though.

If you absolutely can't stand being in the same house as your husband, see if you can find a family shelter. The Transitional Assistance office may be able to get you in touch with your local family shelter. But, keep in mind, that family shelters are mostly terrible. Honestly, only use it as a last resort.

Apply for Section 8 housing through your local Housing Authority. Once you are legally separated, you can file for Emergency Housing.

Best of luck.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by DaughterOfKali

See if you can find a lawyer who does family law that will take your case pro bono.

Look into getting TANF (it's sometimes called AFDC or TAFDC.) You probably won't qualify for it until your legally separated or divorced though.

If you absolutely can't stand being in the same house as your husband, see if you can find a family shelter. The Transitional Assistance office may be able to get you in touch with your local family shelter. But, keep in mind, that family shelters are mostly terrible. Honestly, only use it as a last resort.

Apply for Section 8 housing through your local Housing Authority. Once you are legally separated, you can file for Emergency Housing.

Best of luck.

Thanks!

I don't think I qualify for TANF because of my FT student status, but I can find out for sure. (And I am not going to quit school to get it because I am on a full scholarship!)

There is a women's shelter in my town. I've not been there, but from what I've read on their website is that it is a brand new facility with several family rooms big enough to accommodate a mother and several children. I am planning on talking to them.. although I am not being physically abused, from what I've read online this is borderline emotional abuse... not totally sure though. I know they have many programs to help women and mothers get on their own feet again, but I am not sure if I qualify for it.

Can I start applying for section 8 right now? Or do I need to wait?

[pregnant@40]

Originally Posted by SummerLove

We separated 2 years ago and went to counseling then. Counseling was terrible- he used it against me and twisted it around to his benefit. I did decide to give it another shot, but obviously, here I am 2 years later feeling the same every day as I did 2 years ago.

Ok, sorry about that. Good luck to you, and I hope you find the resources you need.

[DaughterOfKali]

Originally Posted by SummerLove

Can I start applying for section 8 right now? Or do I need to wait?

I don't think you can apply right now...Unless you want them to include your husbands income. Call them and ask.

[lilyka]

first call your landlord. Tell him you are leaving and want to know what your options are for getting your name off the lease (this may include a buy out amount). If your husband wants the place let him have it. Along with the lease. If he fails to pay the rent that is his problem. he would be wise to work with you to prevent that from happening. But talk to your land lord. he may be more understanding than you think.

Next go to social service (checking web pages and calling them is not the same. Just go and tell them you need to talk with a social worker. bring a book and camp out until someone agrees to see you. This actually only took me about 1 hour and I left with everything I qualified for. Take everything that might even be a little relevant. All your student loan papers, tax returns from the last year, any tax papers that go along with them. Your plan for housing (I think student housing sounds amazing.). Bank statements. and if you have filed bring the summons and complaint/counter claim. Everyones social security numbers, birth certificates, picture ids etc. Ask them what you need to fill out, ask them to check your income against guidelines for TANIF, housing, medicaid/CHiP, food stamps and WIC. Ask them to explain these programs to you and answer any questions you have about the forms or application process (I did not initially have to fill out forms. He just entered it into the computer while we chatted).

Then make a plan. You may have to get a job as well as working. How will this effect your scholarship? Is there something you could do off the books like babysitting?

Make a reasonable budget. Don't expect much if any child support. Start visitation right away. I think your kids dad will be comforted if he is seeing you are making a good solid effort to not alienate him from the kids. This will also help cover child care. If you guys work together (and it does not sound like you are opposed) it will go a long way toward not creating unnecessary expenses.

[Jyotsna]

Great advice Lilyka!

[Theia]

Originally Posted by SummerLove

We separated 2 years ago and went to counseling then. Counseling was terrible- he used it against me and twisted it around to his benefit. I did decide to give it another shot, but obviously, here I am 2 years later feeling the same every day as I did 2 years ago.

This is a really good indicator that he is emotionally abusive of you. In such cases counseling is not recommended for exactly the reason you just posted.

Last year I stayed in a DV shelter, a religious funded Mission, and a Transitional Housing Program. The DV shelter was probably the best environment as far as the people go. The THP was new and each family unit had a private bed and bath area as well as a semi-private kitchenette.

If you are being emotionally abused, please be safe. He could escalate to higher levels of abuse, even if he hasn't in the past. I'm sure that if you spoke with your local Womens Domestic Violence shelter, or even the National Hotline they would confirm that his behavior is not healthy.

For more information, drirene.com is a great resource about verbal/emotional abuse.

[SummerLove]

It looks like STBX is leaving, and I'm staying in the house until the lease is up. So, I have a few options- I can try to rent out my basement (bedroom/bath/living) to someone (college student, maybe another single mom?), and I can try to get the LDS church to help me with bills until I am able to move out (I am not a believing, church-going member however and have an ethical issue with this).

thoughts?

[DaughterOfKali]

The Unitarian church may also help. You don't have to be a member.

[provocativa]

make a timeline / document of all emotional abuse and incidents. after i filed for divorce (i did so 5 days after i left), we negotiated the temporary order in mediation i lieu of facing the judge. i was a sahm, and maintained that it was in the kids' best psychological interest to stay in their home. he agreed because his lawyer knew that we had drawn a judge who would feel the same way. the court did not care that he could not afford a place to live- he is having to pay the mortgage, and strangely, all the bills b/c he caved to that for some unknown reason. he is having to stay with a relative, which cramps his drinking style, but boo hoo. so. . . . you may have a grace period to figure out how you can support your family, if you get a good lawyer and judge or mediator.

[ZoeyZoo]

I know you like the family you are renting from but in most states you can break a release to get out of an abusive situation.

[thornrose]

I would apply for Section 8 as soon as possible.

In my area there is a 6-12 month wait for section 8. When you turn in your application they only need copies of social security cards for everyone in the house, then when they actually interview you (6-12 months later) they take income information.

Also I'm not LDS either (parents were & I haven't taken my name off church records) I do like the strong service/community aspect of their church and I don't think it's wrong to ask for assistance when it is required. They assist countless people all across the world (and not just other LDS members). If you do ask them don't be surprised if you get more "visits" from home/visiting teachers. & good luck with everything.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by thornrose

I would apply for Section 8 as soon as possible.

In my area there is a 6-12 month wait for section 8. When you turn in your application they only need copies of social security cards for everyone in the house, then when they actually interview you (6-12 months later) they take income information.

Also I'm not LDS either (parents were & I haven't taken my name off church records) I do like the strong service/community aspect of their church and I don't think it's wrong to ask for assistance when it is required. They assist countless people all across the world (and not just other LDS members). If you do ask them don't be surprised if you get more "visits" from home/visiting teachers. & good luck with everything.

Thanks for the advice! I can apply for section 8. I already get Bishop Storehouse help from the LDS church, so they already know me, and it might be OK. I don't know that I have much of an option until I can move out into a cheaper house.