My sister, M, has been living with us for a while now, and my husband and I are raising her. She and her mother have a very toxic and abusive relationship, that went on for a long time and resulted in her failing school, running away repeatedly, getting into drugs and alcohol, lots of anger issues... it's taken a lot of time, energy and therapy for her to get back on track and do better. We're really proud of her: she's done really, really amazing in the last few years.
She loves her mom dearly, and tries all the time to make overtures with her, but it often results in really intense manipulation and odd behavior from her mom... over time M has grown more upset and more distant about it, though she's never given up on saving the relationship.
We just found out last month that her mom has cancer. It's treatable, but the worst part is she knew for weeks and weeks, told a lot of people in the town she lives in (including M's old friends) but not her daughter - apparently it was 3-5 weeks between everyone else finding out, and her. Her mom would give her emails or FB messages saying, "if you loved me enough, you'd call and ask me what's wrong", knowing that M had set a boundary some time ago about telephone conversations (as a result of very abusive phone calls from her mom) and had asked that they keep to facebook and email for now. When M asked her what was wrong, she'd just be elusive and say that she didn't love her enough to know. She assumed it wasn't that important as a result of this behavior (since, tbh, her mom does this a lot...).
Well she finally did find out, and she's understandably crushed, and scared. She wants to visit and support her mom, but every time she calls her it just becomes a big manipulative game to her and ends with M in hysterical tears feeling torn and upset that she's angry with her mom while she's sick. It's been excruciating for all of us. Her mom has gone back to harassing my husband and I by phone (she does this off and on, occasionally calling while M is at school and yelling at us about how we're the scum of the earth, destroying her life, horrible parents, etc, until we end up having to hang up on her).
This is really hard: establishing and keeping boundaries for the sake of emotional health, while also desperately wanting to reach out and support her mom and take the time to improve their relationship.
Worse still, her mom tells stories to the people in the town M used to live in with her... so her old friends are now emailing her and telling her she's an awful kid to shun her mom while she has cancer. Sometimes they email her and repeat the stories that her mother tells about us (my husband, family and I) and it really upsets her.
From our part we laugh off the stories and let her know they don't bother us, try to make jokes about how ridiculous they are (while still, of course, validating her anger about hearing them), continue to support her and help her set safe boundaries while gently encouraging her to maintain contact and continue trying to build the relationship.... remind her to try not to put her mom on a pedestal just because she's ill: being sick doesn't mean you've changed, and you can still hurt people, and it's okay to be angry about it while still loving and supporting her. We've arranged for some deeper therapy that's starting next week, and notified her school counselor who she sees regularly, and we talk and have safe cry sessions all the time... so she has a lot of support on the outside... but we're feeling pretty helpless on the inside.
I don't suppose I'm looking for a right answer, just some support and any kind words from anyone who has gone through something similar with their parent. This is really hard for all of us, and we're often feeling like there's no right answer... sometimes the bullying from her mother and her adult friends gets to me and I sit and cry. She says such awful, awful things about me, sometimes about my children too, and for a while I was getting emails on a near daily basis from people I've never met telling me I was going to hell, that karma will get me for what I've done, that my kids would be better off if I died, stuff like that... sometimes the messages even come from kids, as young as 14 or 15. People I've never met or even heard of, but are the children of her mom's friends, or children from the drama workshops she teaches.
People tell me to put a restraining order on her, or contact the police, but by doing that I'm only making things worse. I don't want to vilify her mother and I really really want to make things better between them. As dumb as it sounds I still have hope in this fantasy that things will be okay one day and we'll all work together.
Once upon a time, her mother was my stepmom, and I used to love her very much. My dad, her and my baby-sister-to-be were all a happy family. I was the first person she treated this way when I was a teen... but I got away, and had the distance of her not being my biological mom. It's been hard for me on a totally different level to see M go through this, because I'm still hurting over the emotional abuse and exile that happened to me 16 years ago.
Once, while really hurting, M came to comfort me and I ended up blurting it all out (about her mom's abuse toward me when she was born). She was really supportive but I feel like I violated the guardian/sister boundary and I regret telling her. On the other hand, because I'm not her parent and fill a very complicated role, my therapist has asked that I keep lines open with her and let her know my emotional struggles as well so she's not alone. Sometimes my role is so fuzzy and unclear that I'm not sure what to do. Situations will come up and I feel like I have three totally different responses: one as a parent/guardian, one as a big sister, one as a friend... and different times call for different roles; being one too often results in problems.
I love my sister with all my heart, and I would NEVER NEVER NEVER not even for a split second regret our decision to take her in and raise her... but in times like this I feel very heavy with all the guilt about whether or not I'm doing right by her. Especially when my inbox and answering machine are flowing with hate messages from strangers (and people I used to love dearly...) about how horrible I am.
She loves her mom dearly, and tries all the time to make overtures with her, but it often results in really intense manipulation and odd behavior from her mom... over time M has grown more upset and more distant about it, though she's never given up on saving the relationship.
We just found out last month that her mom has cancer. It's treatable, but the worst part is she knew for weeks and weeks, told a lot of people in the town she lives in (including M's old friends) but not her daughter - apparently it was 3-5 weeks between everyone else finding out, and her. Her mom would give her emails or FB messages saying, "if you loved me enough, you'd call and ask me what's wrong", knowing that M had set a boundary some time ago about telephone conversations (as a result of very abusive phone calls from her mom) and had asked that they keep to facebook and email for now. When M asked her what was wrong, she'd just be elusive and say that she didn't love her enough to know. She assumed it wasn't that important as a result of this behavior (since, tbh, her mom does this a lot...).
Well she finally did find out, and she's understandably crushed, and scared. She wants to visit and support her mom, but every time she calls her it just becomes a big manipulative game to her and ends with M in hysterical tears feeling torn and upset that she's angry with her mom while she's sick. It's been excruciating for all of us. Her mom has gone back to harassing my husband and I by phone (she does this off and on, occasionally calling while M is at school and yelling at us about how we're the scum of the earth, destroying her life, horrible parents, etc, until we end up having to hang up on her).
This is really hard: establishing and keeping boundaries for the sake of emotional health, while also desperately wanting to reach out and support her mom and take the time to improve their relationship.
Worse still, her mom tells stories to the people in the town M used to live in with her... so her old friends are now emailing her and telling her she's an awful kid to shun her mom while she has cancer. Sometimes they email her and repeat the stories that her mother tells about us (my husband, family and I) and it really upsets her.
From our part we laugh off the stories and let her know they don't bother us, try to make jokes about how ridiculous they are (while still, of course, validating her anger about hearing them), continue to support her and help her set safe boundaries while gently encouraging her to maintain contact and continue trying to build the relationship.... remind her to try not to put her mom on a pedestal just because she's ill: being sick doesn't mean you've changed, and you can still hurt people, and it's okay to be angry about it while still loving and supporting her. We've arranged for some deeper therapy that's starting next week, and notified her school counselor who she sees regularly, and we talk and have safe cry sessions all the time... so she has a lot of support on the outside... but we're feeling pretty helpless on the inside.
I don't suppose I'm looking for a right answer, just some support and any kind words from anyone who has gone through something similar with their parent. This is really hard for all of us, and we're often feeling like there's no right answer... sometimes the bullying from her mother and her adult friends gets to me and I sit and cry. She says such awful, awful things about me, sometimes about my children too, and for a while I was getting emails on a near daily basis from people I've never met telling me I was going to hell, that karma will get me for what I've done, that my kids would be better off if I died, stuff like that... sometimes the messages even come from kids, as young as 14 or 15. People I've never met or even heard of, but are the children of her mom's friends, or children from the drama workshops she teaches.
People tell me to put a restraining order on her, or contact the police, but by doing that I'm only making things worse. I don't want to vilify her mother and I really really want to make things better between them. As dumb as it sounds I still have hope in this fantasy that things will be okay one day and we'll all work together.
Once upon a time, her mother was my stepmom, and I used to love her very much. My dad, her and my baby-sister-to-be were all a happy family. I was the first person she treated this way when I was a teen... but I got away, and had the distance of her not being my biological mom. It's been hard for me on a totally different level to see M go through this, because I'm still hurting over the emotional abuse and exile that happened to me 16 years ago.
Once, while really hurting, M came to comfort me and I ended up blurting it all out (about her mom's abuse toward me when she was born). She was really supportive but I feel like I violated the guardian/sister boundary and I regret telling her. On the other hand, because I'm not her parent and fill a very complicated role, my therapist has asked that I keep lines open with her and let her know my emotional struggles as well so she's not alone. Sometimes my role is so fuzzy and unclear that I'm not sure what to do. Situations will come up and I feel like I have three totally different responses: one as a parent/guardian, one as a big sister, one as a friend... and different times call for different roles; being one too often results in problems.
I love my sister with all my heart, and I would NEVER NEVER NEVER not even for a split second regret our decision to take her in and raise her... but in times like this I feel very heavy with all the guilt about whether or not I'm doing right by her. Especially when my inbox and answering machine are flowing with hate messages from strangers (and people I used to love dearly...) about how horrible I am.
Hang in there.
