You're already taking some great next steps: figuring out counselling (couples and individual), decreasing his portions, trying to offer him healthy grazing alternatives... you're taking great steps.
But I'll be honest with you... this answer concerns me re: what will you do if he doesn't take any steps in a healthier direction:
Originally Posted by AtYourCervices
Best thing I can do is do what I do. Set a good example. Maybe inspire him with my own weight loss. I'll be starting my own bank account, and maybe start a joint account at that time so he can still have "his" bank account, but then have the joint account in both our names for the to pay bills with and use his existing account in his name for his "allowance". I will be scheduling doctors appointments for the kids and myself soon so I'll just schedule his appointment at the same time.
I guess I am worried that you're not seriously considering the "What if?" re: him not taking real steps to get help. This situation sounds like many other addiction/illness/denial situations, and the really hard, sad, complicated fact is: not everyone chooses to help themselves or take concrete steps in that direction.
The reason it is so important to get clear that you *may* find yourself in a position to have to make choices for you and your kids if things continue to be really unhealthy is that - IMHO - getting clear about what you feel is a minimum of healthy behavior you and your kids need from him and with him is key to you standing your ground and him understanding what he risks losing if he doesn't take this seriously. I'm not talking about threatening him with walking out or anything like that at this time. But I am talking about you having serious talks with yourself and him re: his unwillingness to 1) acknowledge that the present situation is unhealthy and unsustainable; 2) take real steps to trying to see both his "issue" and possible solutions differently, and then work on them, and 3) how a lack of action/progress on his part would affect you and your kids and why this is so serious.
If you continue to have an enabling "I'll just try to model and hope he follows along" attitude with no plan or feeling that there is such a thing as "too much" in this situation where you'd have to take serious steps on behalf of yoruself and your kids, he most likely won't feel like he needs to change, because what will he lose? Nothing. If nothing will change no matter how bad it gets, why change?
Hopefully early on in these new steps your taking he'll hear/feel something that will inspire him to address all this himself, so he feels better and his family is better off. But from experience dealing with many many families with similar dynamics (from what you've said so far), if the other partner isn't clear that this could get really serious and that you're willing to do what you need to for your health and wellbeing and your kids' wellbeing, often the partner with the major issue stays in denial and everything just deteriorates.
That's why I'm so glad you'll go to counseling for yourself, no matter whatever else happens. That's really important.
Re: the bank account, does he have direct deposit for his paycheck? It really doesn't matter what other accts you have (joint or separate) if his paycheck goes into an acct that you have no access to. You'd still have to depend on him to transfer the money to your acct so you could manage things, and he could mis-spend before doing that. If you're going to manage your funds, you need access to wherever the money is deposited, WHEN it's deposited. But if he gets paper paychecks and signs them over to you, then the above isn't an issue.
You're taking great great steps... I just hope you'll look at his willingness (or lack thereof) to take even baby steps towards healthier behavior (and yes, putting back the mountain dew is a tiny baby step, but I'm talking bigger steps than that initially to show he's really considering that this is a big issue) and figure out your own needed steps in accordance to how well/how badly things seem to be moving.
Best of luck to you... it's such a hard situation but there are solutions, if you're both willing to be open and work hard on each of your parts.