My husband has an eating disorder and I'm just enabling him. - Page 2

[KarenEMT]

Lyn is right! I've been dealing with this for way too long. Eating disorders are a major deal. They require intense help to overcome. But, like any addiction, HE has to want to get the help. You cannot cajole, love, nag, etc. It just will NOT work.

During my third pregnancy, I wanted so bad for DH to quit smoking, and so he took the Chantix. Well, it worked for a time, but his heart was not in it and, guess what - he started right up again smoking where he left off.

I totally encourage you to get counseling. I started with free counseling with a clergy member and eventually, when we got insurance, was able to afford a professional. As far as cooking, I've stopped that. My DH is on his own with his binging. If he wants it, then he can cook it, he can buy it. I have been forced to hide things he likes at my mom's (across the street) so he doesn't eat all the children's foods and clean us completely out.

Please stop trying to push gastric bypass for him. It will NOT work at this point as you have described him. As lynsage mentioned above, either he will simply eat his way back to his original size, or if he is not able to, another addiction will pop in and replace the food addiction. My best friend was a food addict, had the bypass, and then became an alcoholic, as did my husband's boss. It is way too common to swap one addiction with another, and the counseling pre-gastric bypass is in no way the intensive kind that most food addicts need.

We are here for you! I hope your story has a happier ending than mine appears to. I am so unhappy living with this and, after 16+ yrs, it has NOT gotten better

[AtYourCervices]

Hi OP, maybe I missed it in one of your posts, but I don't see anywhere where you have responded to PP's advice that YOU also need counseling.

I am still waiting for the medical insurance to go through in the next week and then I'll be scheduling appointments (including couples counseling or individual counseling).

What will it take for you to stop shopping for his habit and just cook him 2-3 servings per meal?

I have been slowly decreasing his portion sizes and putting "extras" away in the fridge for leftovers. He hasn't been complaining about that and it seems to be working at decreasing his portions a bit. His stomach is so enlarged that immediately cutting down to 1-2 servings (or even 3) would cause his stomach to growl, him to get moody, and a fight may ensue. I was contemplating encouraging grazing. What do you think? Maybe have a veggie plate, a fruit plate, and a shrimp platter in the fridge to pick at throughout the day? Teach him not to gorge on everything at once? Could it work?

What will it take for you to say to him "On _____ day [very soon!] we're going back to the bank and you're putting my name on the account" and to not accept any excuses or a no?

That's what I'm going to have to do. Earlier he was saying he has several projects that will come due a week before Thanksgiving so he'll be spending more time at the office, but I think we may be able to fit in time to go to the bank together.

And if he refuses to put your name on the account and to let you take control of the finances, or to go to counselling, or to work with you on what he eats and what you cook... what are you prepared to do for yourself and your kids in the way of establishing boundaries and what you will and won't put up with, and what your plan is in case he refuses to take any real steps (see a new doc, let you control finances and cook less, get counselling, etc) towards better mental and physical health?

Best thing I can do is do what I do. Set a good example. Maybe inspire him with my own weight loss. I'll be starting my own bank account, and maybe start a joint account at that time so he can still have "his" bank account, but then have the joint account in both our names for the to pay bills with and use his existing account in his name for his "allowance". I will be scheduling doctors appointments for the kids and myself soon so I'll just schedule his appointment at the same time.

And btw, how old are your kids? Is it appropriate (according to your family's values and beliefs) for him to be sitting around naked in the living room with kids your kids' age? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it's a question I had when I read your post.

The kids in the house are 3 & 9 (both girls). The 9 year old knows to call out for him to cover up when she's going to go to the living room. He covers himself up with a blanket or his bathrobe. I hate that we can't move around in our own space because of him. In our home we have an extra bedroom, and in the next few weeks we're going to set it up for him. We're buying new furniture and he'll decorate it however he sees fit. Then, if he wants to be naked, he'll be banished to that bedroom. Nudity isn't a big deal in our family, however my husband is the stepfather to the 9 y/o and I don't think it's appropriate for her to see him naked.

[LROM]

You're already taking some great next steps: figuring out counselling (couples and individual), decreasing his portions, trying to offer him healthy grazing alternatives... you're taking great steps.

But I'll be honest with you... this answer concerns me re: what will you do if he doesn't take any steps in a healthier direction:

Originally Posted by AtYourCervices

Best thing I can do is do what I do. Set a good example. Maybe inspire him with my own weight loss. I'll be starting my own bank account, and maybe start a joint account at that time so he can still have "his" bank account, but then have the joint account in both our names for the to pay bills with and use his existing account in his name for his "allowance". I will be scheduling doctors appointments for the kids and myself soon so I'll just schedule his appointment at the same time.

I guess I am worried that you're not seriously considering the "What if?" re: him not taking real steps to get help. This situation sounds like many other addiction/illness/denial situations, and the really hard, sad, complicated fact is: not everyone chooses to help themselves or take concrete steps in that direction.

The reason it is so important to get clear that you *may* find yourself in a position to have to make choices for you and your kids if things continue to be really unhealthy is that - IMHO - getting clear about what you feel is a minimum of healthy behavior you and your kids need from him and with him is key to you standing your ground and him understanding what he risks losing if he doesn't take this seriously. I'm not talking about threatening him with walking out or anything like that at this time. But I am talking about you having serious talks with yourself and him re: his unwillingness to 1) acknowledge that the present situation is unhealthy and unsustainable; 2) take real steps to trying to see both his "issue" and possible solutions differently, and then work on them, and 3) how a lack of action/progress on his part would affect you and your kids and why this is so serious.

If you continue to have an enabling "I'll just try to model and hope he follows along" attitude with no plan or feeling that there is such a thing as "too much" in this situation where you'd have to take serious steps on behalf of yoruself and your kids, he most likely won't feel like he needs to change, because what will he lose? Nothing. If nothing will change no matter how bad it gets, why change?

Hopefully early on in these new steps your taking he'll hear/feel something that will inspire him to address all this himself, so he feels better and his family is better off. But from experience dealing with many many families with similar dynamics (from what you've said so far), if the other partner isn't clear that this could get really serious and that you're willing to do what you need to for your health and wellbeing and your kids' wellbeing, often the partner with the major issue stays in denial and everything just deteriorates.

That's why I'm so glad you'll go to counseling for yourself, no matter whatever else happens. That's really important.

Re: the bank account, does he have direct deposit for his paycheck? It really doesn't matter what other accts you have (joint or separate) if his paycheck goes into an acct that you have no access to. You'd still have to depend on him to transfer the money to your acct so you could manage things, and he could mis-spend before doing that. If you're going to manage your funds, you need access to wherever the money is deposited, WHEN it's deposited. But if he gets paper paychecks and signs them over to you, then the above isn't an issue.

You're taking great great steps... I just hope you'll look at his willingness (or lack thereof) to take even baby steps towards healthier behavior (and yes, putting back the mountain dew is a tiny baby step, but I'm talking bigger steps than that initially to show he's really considering that this is a big issue) and figure out your own needed steps in accordance to how well/how badly things seem to be moving.

Best of luck to you... it's such a hard situation but there are solutions, if you're both willing to be open and work hard on each of your parts.

[lolar2]

Hey, look-- light sensitivity is a symptom of hypothyroidism:

http://thyroid.about.com/cs/publicaw...rahletters.htm

[Smokering]

Hugs! This isn't a situation I've ever been in, but I have to sympathise. That must be TOUGH. Lying on the couch all day sounds like depression at the very least. How does your DH feel about his weight? You mentioned he makes jokes about his portion sizes. Is he comfortable being 400 pounds, or ashamed? How did he respond to the chairs breaking/tub cracking/floor replacing incidents? I imagine that would have been humiliating.

I hope you manage to figure this out. It does like he needs some serious intervention. Good luck!

[E.V. Lowi]

Insatiable hunger can be a symptom of insulin resistance.

This diet works!
http://www.drfuhrman.com/

[lookatreestar]

wow that sounds really serious. i for one would not give him the spare room to lounge in naked. i am not against nudity but this is just not "normal" ... i would say you def need an intervention, rotten food, the moody, light sensitive, depression..... etc.

[AtYourCervices]

Originally Posted by lookatreestar

wow that sounds really serious. i for one would not give him the spare room to lounge in naked. i am not against nudity but this is just not "normal" ... i would say you def need an intervention, rotten food, the moody, light sensitive, depression..... etc.

The spare room is going to be his office. He'll be working from home 1-2 days a week. It will be a spare bedroom when others come to visit. The nudity I don't have a problem with unless he's taking over a "main" room, my 9 y/o can't walk freely through the space, and we have to tiptoe around him and keep all the lights off.

[LynnS6]

I think reading up on enabling behaviors and stuff written for spouses with addiction might be a good idea.

One of the main things that this literature shows is: You cannot change his behavior. You can only change your own.

You've already started in that direction: You can't make him stop overeating, but you can stop making him 13 servings for dinner. You can't make him stop drinking 3 cans of Mountain Dew a day, but you can stop buying it for him. His car goes to the store as well as yours. If he has to buy all his extra food, it might be a wake up call to him. (And if he gets mad at you for not having the food, that's HIS issue, not yours. Don't make his issues your issues.)

I hope that you can get some Dr's appointments soon. But as others have pointed out, you can bring him to the doctor's but you also need to plan for the worst case scenario. What if he can't change? What are you willing to live with?

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

You cannot change his behavior. You can only change your own.

You can't make him stop overeating, but you can stop making him 13 servings for dinner.
You can't make him stop drinking 3 cans of Mountain Dew a day, but you can stop buying it for him.
His car goes to the store as well as yours.
If he has to buy all his extra food, it might be a wake up call to him.
(And if he gets mad at you for not having the food, that's HIS issue, not yours. Don't make his issues your issues.)

you also need to plan for the worst case scenario. What if he can't change? What are you willing to live with?

[treeoflife3]

Originally Posted by AtYourCervices

I asked him again if he'd go see a doctor. I told him he has to get treatment for the "borderline" thyroid issues (or whatever else is going on). I insisted that if they can't confirm a medical cause for his problems he will have to get gastric bypass surgery.

This really stood out at me. I am concerned about HOW you are saying he will 'have' to get gastric bypass surgery and how he might be hearing it and how it might be affecting him.

I am nowhere near as bad as your husband, however I struggle with food addiction. I also struggle with body image and the fear of my husband not loving me/wanting me/leaving me. On top of this, I DO have hypothyroidism which of course compounds issues.

I think it is important to remember that whatever he is struggling with, it is probably not just a physical medical problem such as hypothyroidism, but also probably a pretty deep mental and emotional problem as well. you said it yourself, you think he is afraid of you leaving him. He jokes about the problem which could very well be his way of trying to not face the true magnitude of it all.

You sound like you are a loving wife who is trying to do the best you can at not being an enabler and just focusing on changing your reactions and behavior. With that, remember that a push for surgery can run the risk of making things worse, and that even getting the surgery doesn't guarantee success if he isn't ready.

My mom got gastric bypass and I remember her going to therapy to prepare for it. To prepare for how you can't eat even though you mentally/emotionally WANT to. to prepare for a new body size and not seeing yourself anymore how you WERE before losing weight. To prepare for the health risks that come with (I remember my mom went through some issues, most cleared up but one thing that has suck around is that she can NOT do sugar well. Only in small amounts.) An ultimatum of a surgery that comes with so many underlying mental and emotional issues could backfire in a HUGE way.

Please be careful and sensitive of this.

He DOES need to push harder to get to the root of his problems. I'm sure there are lots of things at play here, both medically and mentally/emotionally. Just doing your best to encourage him to get better without a great deal of pressure will give him a chance to push for answers in his own time without feeling like he isn't doing it for himself. I do agree though that making appointments for him to decide to go to could be a HUGE help. Taking the first step and calling I think is harder than just going to something that is already planned.

[sweetpea414]

That sounds like my husband...he gained 200 lbs in the last two years(after he got out of the Marines)...which is NOT normal AT ALL.  He is extremely irritable all the time and gets mad when I don't enable his eating habits.  His car is full of empty fast food bags/wrappers/cups, so I know he sneaks food.  As a result, I'm having a hard time losing weight, because of the stress and seeing the food he eats, makes me want to eat it too (I'm in the Air Force and have to meet weight requirements).  He says he doesn't have energy to make food or clean it up, but refuses to eat food when I make it.  Kind of at a loss here, just stressed and fed up with it! 

[lilyka]

You really need to think about how this is impacting your children.  They are seeing a very bad example of eating habits.  They are also being forced to be enablers.  Your own children cannot walk freely around the house?  What about your dds biological father? If he is in the picture how does he feel about his dd being sequestered to her part of the house?  Being exposed to a cranky naked guy?  Is this something he could use against you in court?  I know my ex would not hesitate to take out children out of that situation and I doubt there is a judge that would stop him.  This is not a healthy environment for them.  I am not trying to make you feel bad.  But the impact this is having on your children is real and needs to be addressed.  How does he feel about the way this may be effecting the girls?  Have you told him how this is effecting you?

[Linda on the move]

Overeaters anonymous is an option.

http://www.oa.org/

I think using a 12 step program and an addiction model to address eating is pretty extreme, but the situations you are describing are extreme. Seeing a doctor and most likely a nutritionist needs to be part of it as well.

oa does not give you an eating plan -- they help you address the underlying issues that led to compulsive overeating. There are people in oa who've had bypass surgery, and found that it didn't solve their problem. By the time people get to oa, they've tried pretty much everything else.

[KarenEMT]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Overeaters anonymous is an option.

http://www.oa.org/

I think using a 12 step program and an addiction model to address eating is pretty extreme, but the situations you are describing are extreme. Seeing a doctor and most likely a nutritionist needs to be part of it as well.

oa does not give you an eating plan -- they help you address the underlying issues that led to compulsive overeating. There are people in oa who've had bypass surgery, and found that it didn't solve their problem. By the time people get to oa, they've tried pretty much everything else.

I'm glad I got the notification that Linda updated this thread, because OA/12-step programs are an excellent solution if the addict wants to get help. 

For an update to our situation:  My DH last year decided he was through being fat.  So he decides to have gastric bypass surgery, which he underwent in June of last year.  He has lost at least 160 pounds and is down to a normal weight. 

He has started drinking alcohol, is already a problem drinker, and is just as nasty as he always was.  Except no one ever got pulled over for driving under the influence of a Big Mac and a Mountain Dew...He also thinks he is just the greatest thing since I-don't-know-what - so you could drag him into a 12-step meeting by his ears.  It would do absolutely no good.  The only ones destined to hit rock bottom are the kids and I.  

[lilyka]

Oh wow!  i did not realize how old this thread was.  I wonder how the original poster is doing.  karen - I am sorry to hear that things have gone from bad to worse for you.  

[Linda on the move]

Karen, I'm also sorry that things are worse for you. I knew that with other types of addictions, people sometimes stopped one substance and traded it for another without dealing with the underlying issues, but I didn't realize that happened with food, too.

Makes me more determined to get to the bottom of my own issues with food.