Helping kids with idea of moving and a few logistics questions

[alison77]

Looking for some general advice on an upcoming move and getting kids comfortable with it. We've been living with my mother for the past 5 years, so basically it's all that DS1 and DS2 know. We've been planning on moving in the spring, because I'll be finishing up school, but hadn't had any real leads yet. DH was just recruited for a good position on the other side of the country, and they want him to start in April. So, my questions are:

How to gently introduce the idea of moving to kids - this move will be harder on DS1 who is 7 than DS2 who is not quite 5. He has a bit of anxiety, and I want to prepare him as best as possible so it seems like a good thing. I also know he (both) are going to miss their grandmother, so want to think of ways to help with that.

How much should we involve them in picking out the new apt, etc., and even seeing the new place before we go. DS has one trip paid for to meet everyone at the new office and check the community out. We will have to pay for me. How important is it for us to bring DSes to check it out before we actually move there - it would be nice to save that money and have them stay with their grandmother while we are finding an apt. However, if it's going to make the transition easier, we will bring them along.

Finally, in figuring out school stuff, DH's job wants him to start in April. DS1 isn't done with school until the 3rd week of June. We don't want to be apart for that long. If we can't change DH's starting date by too much, what's the best way to make the transition? DS2 is in preschool, so that's not a big deal, but I think it could be hard for DS1 to enter a new school so late in the year. Anyone have experience with this?

Thanks!

[momto4plus4]

We'll be moving next year and some things I'm doing/advice I've been given:
1. Hang a calendar that has the move date and let them mark off each day. That gives them a better understanding of how long it will be.
2. If you have a video camera (or can find a cheap one on craigslist) let them start videotaping their favorite things about where they are living now and who they have around them (Grandma, school friends, etc).
3. Let them start a scrapbook of their current place with pictures they color; have them tell you about their current place and you write it out as a story, etc.
4. Let them start brainstorming things they'd like in a new house: own room, color of their room, room theme, bathroom theme, etc. Anything that they can have a say in or control of.

I'm finding that the bigger deal I make it, the bigger deal it is in their minds (ages are 9, 5, 3 & baby). My 5 yr old is struggling the most. I've been working on lessening how big a deal it is. Just being real matter of fact and not focusing on it much. Just going about with every day life while sorting through our stuff, getting rid of things, etc. DS1 (the 5 yr old) is terrified of losing his stuff so he's already got it packed in his special boxes (old diaper boxes) in a special place that's just for him to go through. For some reason that's meant a lot for him.

So, those are my ideas/things that are working for us or things that others have suggested. I hope it helps. Feel free to respond with things you find help you as it may help me-we're not moving til June and have no idea where we'll live (foreclosure/bankruptcy/etc).

[ChetMC]

We have moved four times in the last two and a half years. DH has lived away from us twice during that time. We actually packed to move a fifth time, sold our car and shipped our stuff overseas, but plans changed.

Our kids are a little younger. Our oldest was six for our most recent move. People often assumed that all of the moving, and DH coming and going, would be very stressful for the kids. It hasn't been though. The kids really took it in stride. Being away was really hard on DH because he was lonely, but the rest of us made out okay.

Don't assume any particular thing will be a problem. Try to read your kids and figure out where they are with this. Address their questions and concerns... not the questions and concerns that you think they ought to have. Our kids never cared about wall colours in the new house. They never worried about their stuff getting lost. Our oldest did want to know about schools though, and our younger DD asked about a lot of random stuff we never would have thought of.

Our moves were big. Twice DH went ahead and got things organized. I didn't even help to pick out the house - not any more than what I could do over the phone. It helped us a lot to have things mostly organized when me and the kids arrived. We showed up to a house with the utilities turned on, garbage pickup organized, groceries in the fridge, beds set up, etc. The kids didn't spend any time in transition housing. DH knew the area well by the time we arrived and could show me around. DH was already settled at work and knew some people. We weren't trying to figure things out from scratch with three or four kids in tow.

Our kids were very concerned about seeing their grandparents. Twice we took grandparents with us to help with the move. We've also made arrangements for grandparents to visit us regularly. We watch seat sales for example, and split the cost of plane tickets.

If it's an option for you to bring your mom on the move and then have her return home once you're settled it may be worth considering. Then your kids won't say goodbye to her until they are a little bit settled in their new home, and they'll really understand that she can come to visit.

Try to strike a balance in terms of how early you tell the kids stuff. The spring is a lifetime away for most five year olds. I'm all for giving kids time to prepare and the chance to say goodbye, but you need to factor in a child's age.

My big tip is to be a tourist when you arrive. We treated our move with the same enthusiasm as we treated family vacations. It's an adventure that we're having together. It's hard when you have boxes to unpack and a million things to do, but get out and start exploring your new home right away. The promise of visiting local attractions right away had our kids very excited to go.

We arrived here at the beginning of June, but didn't put our DD into school for the end of the year. She waited until the fall to start. She had enough days to get a full year at her old school.

Our case was unique in that DD had been in English kindergarten, and we wanted her to attend French school here. Not knowing any French she wouldn't get a lot out of a month of French school. She just be starting to get comfortable and it would end. However, if I could do it again, and the language wasn't an issue, I would consider not bothering with a new school for just six or eight weeks depending on the kid.

Not having the kids in school let us get out and do a lot of stuff to get to know our new city... and DD didn't have the stress of a new school until she was very well settled in her new home. On the other hand, school is a great way to meet a lot of kids fast, and some kids really want new friends in their new home. It just depends on what your kid needs to feel comfortable in their new home.

Your DH should ask about his relocation package. We've been able to negotiate on a lot of points (we got a house hunting trip reversed and turned into a trip back home to visit for example). For one move we also got the start date moved from mid November to the beginning of January. For another move we got the start date moved from early December to early January.

[philomom]

Make a scrapbook of the old house, old school and old friends. Present them with a new scrapbook to fill with pictures of their new room, new school and new friends. Allow them to make a few choices like where the bed goes and what kind of paint they want on the walls.. so they feel included.

Good luck. There's lots of kids moving stories out there. Maybe get a few from the library.

[LaughingHyena]

Our move was local so we didn't have issues about missing friends, changing schools etc.

We looked at websites with house listings and showed pictures of the houses we were looking at. The kids came to view some of them with us, though I have to say I would have preferred looking round without them.

DD especially spent a lot of time going round the hosue asking what we were taking and what way staying and was very concerned about things getting lost. I decided it was best not to declutter her stuff as part of the move.

They each spent some time drawing pictures for thier new rooms which we kept handy so they could put them up as soon as we arrived. They also made signs for the doors so the removal men knew which room was which.

Finally we decided to keep them both with us on move day, keeping DD off school. We had a friend come round to watch them but it seemed important for them to see everything loaded up and moved. I don't think DD would have coped well going to school from one house and coming home to another.

[alison77]

thanks - these are some great ideas to consider. i think it will be important for my ds1 to feel like he is in control over a few things, so will definitely be in tune with him about what he might need. and it will be a good idea to make sure that grandmother visits are happening frequently.
i think if we go in the spring, we'll do the tourist thing and homeschool (or whatever we need to do to get DS passed along into the next grade) b/c i think it might be too stressful for him otherwise.
great points about relocation package - we haven't seen details yet, but it's really good to know that companies will consider things such as switching.
when we're talking with both kids we aren't specific, but basically will talk about how we will eventually move (as it was an eventuality), and what might be same, what might be different. i think it is way too soon for their age. i wonder what might be a good length of time for a 5 and 7 yo to have to prepare?
i also like the idea of doing a scrapbook of home stuff and friends here. DS1 loves looking through all his baby books/other photo books, i bet that would make him feel good.
please keep sending different ideas if they come up. i really appreciate this as i want to make this as seamless as possible for them. thanks!!