(Please forgive me for the length of this question. It is as much therapeutic journal entry as online support group question. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and comment.)
My daughter is a very high energy 9 year-old. Although never diagnosed with adhd, she often has a hard time staying focused. Also she, almost as a matter of course, likes to "test the competence" of adults when she encounters them in new settings. She seems to have a strong need to know what exactly she will be allowed to get away with and how authoritative the adult in question will be in managing her behavior. It happens each new school year and with most extra-curricular activities. I'll be the first to admit it is a VERY boring habit of hers, but usually once she knows where she stands, things move along pretty well. It is most difficult to deal with in short term activities where she doesn't have enough time to redeem herself (she is in reality a very funny, articulate, intelligent, innovative, and kind young lady) after having made her initial bad impression.
In addition to these personality quirks, she is struggling under the weight of a lot of very stressful things that have happened to our family over the last 5-6 years. I don't want to go too deep into the details, but it involves death, loss, financial crisis, and a general sense of instability. Things have improved for us now, but it has taken a huge toll on my daughter's resilience and sense of security. She used to be able to quickly make friends in nearly every setting. Now she constantly complains of being an outsider and not fitting in.
My daughter's favorite thing to do is perform on stage and she is really good at it. She has been involved in many school and community productions in addition to acting classes. Her huge personality can be set free on stage - she seems relieved to not have to keep holding it in. She has had enough success on stage that she struggles with small roles. I have to talk a lot with her about "learning the ropes", "paying her dues", "working her way up the ladder", taking advantage of every opportunity to "make a good impression" for the future, and just feeling grateful she was offered a part. She begrudgingly seems to get it and rises to the occasion almost every time.
So this fall we moved to a city with an awesome children's theater program. My daughter has taken classes in the program before, but we lived too far away and I didn't feel she was mature enough to participate in the larger productions they put on. I consoled my daughter about this most recent move, which was devastating to her, by promising to let her audition for a "big show". I gave her the shpeel I mentioned above to prepare her for the small part she would receive if she received one at all. This was an opportunity to "learn her craft" I kept telling her.
She was offered a very small part as an unnamed extra. She was thrilled at first, but quickly soured on the whole thing and told me she was the only actor in a cast of about twenty-five without lines. I assumed she was exaggerating and told her she made a commitment and she was going to honor it, and she has in her way. The director came to me about three weeks in (the rehearsals were three hours, five nights per week) asking how to manage M's behavior which had become distracted and aloof or alternately disruptive . I told her not to take any crap and to use the fact that she has control over the thing M wants more than anything - the opportunity to perform - to her advantage.
Apparently that worked because there were no more problems until about a week before the preview performance. M received correction from the choreographer and she lost it. She went back stage sobbing and saying she was going to kill herself. This apparently sent the whole cast into a tail-spin which really ticked the director off. Long story short, if M was going to continue in the play I'd have to be there for every rehearsal and every performance to manage her behavior. Although it was a pretty big commitment of my time considering I'd have a toddler and a preschooler in tow, I agreed because I just couldn't bare to think of the long term damage it would do to my daughter if she burned this bridge to the one thing she really and truly loves.
Having the opportunity to watch rehearsals and eventually a full performance helped to put M's behavior in perspective. First of all, the end of every rehearsal, the entire cast has to sit quietly and listen to 20-45 minutes of "notes". Notes are almost exclusively criticism (albeit constructive, usually delivered in an upbeat way and sprinkled here and there, but not at all liberally, with kudos) directed primarily at the 6-8 main actors. Most of the other actors just sit as quietly as they can. I think it would be a lot for a group of adults to take on a nightly basis. For a child like M, who will gladly take negative attention as opposed to no attention at all, it is a recipe for mischief. Still, at least while I was there, she behaved almost perfectly during "notes".
Secondly, and most perplexing to me, my daughter is in fact the only actor in the cast, including several children who are younger than her, who does not have her own line to deliver. As parts were given out in the first day or two, I think it is unlikely M lost her opportunity to deliver a line because of her behavior. I know she did not have a line prior to my being informed her behavior was going south. I'm just not sure what to think about this. Was it just an over site? Were there more line-less actors who dropped out along the way leaving my daughter alone with the distinction? Did the director purposely make this decision, and if so, why?
Whatever the case, in my mind, it would be a rare 9 yo who would not notice being singled out in this way. And while some 9 year olds might let it roll off their backs, mine would not be one of them. She feels very intensely, especially about something like performing which she sees as her thing that she is good at. She told me after her big blow-up "I just want them to notice I'm a good actor". She went on to say how she has worked very hard to make the corrections that are asked of her "but they never say anything."
So basically, from the first day or two of the months long, five day a week rehearsal schedule, my daughter, who struggles to fit in and feel a valued part of a group, was singled out as the only child unworthy of her own line. Although I make no excuse for her behavior, my guess is it would have been much more manageable and would not have escalated to this all time high (or should I say low?) if she had not been marginalized in this way.
I want to be perfectly clear: I did not expect M to have a line in this her first production. I would not have cared if she was part of a group that walked silently through one scene. My only concern is that she feels good about her contribution and that that might be a challenge for her given she is the only child without a line.
I have not and will not say anything to M about what I've observed. She has several performances left, she seems to be enjoying them and I'm proud of how she has worked through her emotional upheavals. I will not add any fuel to her "I'm a misfit" fire.
My question is (finally the question!) should I speak to the director about my observations? I do not want to come across as a hovering stage mom who whines and complains about her little diva not having the best part. That is not at all what this is about. It is about M. having a positive experience doing one of the few things that she really feels good about - no matter the size of the role. M will not try out for another play for quite some time, but eventually she will want to get back on the horse. I would like to at least suggest to the director (who coordinates the entire program) that there seems to be an underlying context to M's behavior that she may not have recognized. My hope is she might see my daughter in a context other than "she was a real pain in the butt the first time I directed her", the next time M auditions before her. Beyond that, while it is a wonderful program, from the perspective of a relative outsider, a few tweeks might improve the experience for all the young actors. I do not believe in excessive gratuitous positive feedback, but these children - there has to be a happy medium.
If I do approach the director, what do I say? Sometimes I feel annoyed enough by the whole thing to ask her to please find a moment or two to give my daughter some little scrap of positive feedback - since at the end of the day, the director's approval is all M really wants anyway. More often I think I should wait until the end of the run and send a gently worded email. Most often I think I should keep my mouth shut lest my message be lost in the delivery and I come off as nothing more than a horrible stage mother.
In a broader context, for those of you with troubled youngsters, do you have any tips for integrating your children into the broader community without feeling like you are inflicting something onerous upon it?
(p.s. M is in counseling and has been for awhile.)
My daughter is a very high energy 9 year-old. Although never diagnosed with adhd, she often has a hard time staying focused. Also she, almost as a matter of course, likes to "test the competence" of adults when she encounters them in new settings. She seems to have a strong need to know what exactly she will be allowed to get away with and how authoritative the adult in question will be in managing her behavior. It happens each new school year and with most extra-curricular activities. I'll be the first to admit it is a VERY boring habit of hers, but usually once she knows where she stands, things move along pretty well. It is most difficult to deal with in short term activities where she doesn't have enough time to redeem herself (she is in reality a very funny, articulate, intelligent, innovative, and kind young lady) after having made her initial bad impression.
In addition to these personality quirks, she is struggling under the weight of a lot of very stressful things that have happened to our family over the last 5-6 years. I don't want to go too deep into the details, but it involves death, loss, financial crisis, and a general sense of instability. Things have improved for us now, but it has taken a huge toll on my daughter's resilience and sense of security. She used to be able to quickly make friends in nearly every setting. Now she constantly complains of being an outsider and not fitting in.
My daughter's favorite thing to do is perform on stage and she is really good at it. She has been involved in many school and community productions in addition to acting classes. Her huge personality can be set free on stage - she seems relieved to not have to keep holding it in. She has had enough success on stage that she struggles with small roles. I have to talk a lot with her about "learning the ropes", "paying her dues", "working her way up the ladder", taking advantage of every opportunity to "make a good impression" for the future, and just feeling grateful she was offered a part. She begrudgingly seems to get it and rises to the occasion almost every time.
So this fall we moved to a city with an awesome children's theater program. My daughter has taken classes in the program before, but we lived too far away and I didn't feel she was mature enough to participate in the larger productions they put on. I consoled my daughter about this most recent move, which was devastating to her, by promising to let her audition for a "big show". I gave her the shpeel I mentioned above to prepare her for the small part she would receive if she received one at all. This was an opportunity to "learn her craft" I kept telling her.
She was offered a very small part as an unnamed extra. She was thrilled at first, but quickly soured on the whole thing and told me she was the only actor in a cast of about twenty-five without lines. I assumed she was exaggerating and told her she made a commitment and she was going to honor it, and she has in her way. The director came to me about three weeks in (the rehearsals were three hours, five nights per week) asking how to manage M's behavior which had become distracted and aloof or alternately disruptive . I told her not to take any crap and to use the fact that she has control over the thing M wants more than anything - the opportunity to perform - to her advantage.
Apparently that worked because there were no more problems until about a week before the preview performance. M received correction from the choreographer and she lost it. She went back stage sobbing and saying she was going to kill herself. This apparently sent the whole cast into a tail-spin which really ticked the director off. Long story short, if M was going to continue in the play I'd have to be there for every rehearsal and every performance to manage her behavior. Although it was a pretty big commitment of my time considering I'd have a toddler and a preschooler in tow, I agreed because I just couldn't bare to think of the long term damage it would do to my daughter if she burned this bridge to the one thing she really and truly loves.
Having the opportunity to watch rehearsals and eventually a full performance helped to put M's behavior in perspective. First of all, the end of every rehearsal, the entire cast has to sit quietly and listen to 20-45 minutes of "notes". Notes are almost exclusively criticism (albeit constructive, usually delivered in an upbeat way and sprinkled here and there, but not at all liberally, with kudos) directed primarily at the 6-8 main actors. Most of the other actors just sit as quietly as they can. I think it would be a lot for a group of adults to take on a nightly basis. For a child like M, who will gladly take negative attention as opposed to no attention at all, it is a recipe for mischief. Still, at least while I was there, she behaved almost perfectly during "notes".
Secondly, and most perplexing to me, my daughter is in fact the only actor in the cast, including several children who are younger than her, who does not have her own line to deliver. As parts were given out in the first day or two, I think it is unlikely M lost her opportunity to deliver a line because of her behavior. I know she did not have a line prior to my being informed her behavior was going south. I'm just not sure what to think about this. Was it just an over site? Were there more line-less actors who dropped out along the way leaving my daughter alone with the distinction? Did the director purposely make this decision, and if so, why?
Whatever the case, in my mind, it would be a rare 9 yo who would not notice being singled out in this way. And while some 9 year olds might let it roll off their backs, mine would not be one of them. She feels very intensely, especially about something like performing which she sees as her thing that she is good at. She told me after her big blow-up "I just want them to notice I'm a good actor". She went on to say how she has worked very hard to make the corrections that are asked of her "but they never say anything."
So basically, from the first day or two of the months long, five day a week rehearsal schedule, my daughter, who struggles to fit in and feel a valued part of a group, was singled out as the only child unworthy of her own line. Although I make no excuse for her behavior, my guess is it would have been much more manageable and would not have escalated to this all time high (or should I say low?) if she had not been marginalized in this way.
I want to be perfectly clear: I did not expect M to have a line in this her first production. I would not have cared if she was part of a group that walked silently through one scene. My only concern is that she feels good about her contribution and that that might be a challenge for her given she is the only child without a line.
I have not and will not say anything to M about what I've observed. She has several performances left, she seems to be enjoying them and I'm proud of how she has worked through her emotional upheavals. I will not add any fuel to her "I'm a misfit" fire.
My question is (finally the question!) should I speak to the director about my observations? I do not want to come across as a hovering stage mom who whines and complains about her little diva not having the best part. That is not at all what this is about. It is about M. having a positive experience doing one of the few things that she really feels good about - no matter the size of the role. M will not try out for another play for quite some time, but eventually she will want to get back on the horse. I would like to at least suggest to the director (who coordinates the entire program) that there seems to be an underlying context to M's behavior that she may not have recognized. My hope is she might see my daughter in a context other than "she was a real pain in the butt the first time I directed her", the next time M auditions before her. Beyond that, while it is a wonderful program, from the perspective of a relative outsider, a few tweeks might improve the experience for all the young actors. I do not believe in excessive gratuitous positive feedback, but these children - there has to be a happy medium.
If I do approach the director, what do I say? Sometimes I feel annoyed enough by the whole thing to ask her to please find a moment or two to give my daughter some little scrap of positive feedback - since at the end of the day, the director's approval is all M really wants anyway. More often I think I should wait until the end of the run and send a gently worded email. Most often I think I should keep my mouth shut lest my message be lost in the delivery and I come off as nothing more than a horrible stage mother.
In a broader context, for those of you with troubled youngsters, do you have any tips for integrating your children into the broader community without feeling like you are inflicting something onerous upon it?
(p.s. M is in counseling and has been for awhile.)
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