I apologize in advance for how long this will probably be. I wasn't sure where to post this, so please feel free to move it to a more appropriate spot if necessary.
Background info: DH and I had trouble conceiving. Not "infertility" by textbook standards, but I charted and my cycles were all over the place, got pregnant around the 6 month TTC mark but had a m/c at 9 weeks (baby stopped growing at 5.5), and ended up needing Metformin and progesterone to get pregnant again. I actually ovulated that cycle on the 1 year mark of TTC, which was kind of cool.
Anyway, the pregnancy was pretty much uneventful. I practiced Hypnobabies religiously, and while I wasn't convinced I would have a pain-free birth, I really felt it would help me to cope/relax and work with my body. I had to stop working at 40 weeks because of hip pain (I worked 12-hr night shifts, and was just in so much pain at the end of the shift I would cry all the way home). I knew full-well that first babies generally go overdue, and wasn't bothered when my "due date" came and went. At 41 weeks, I started getting nervous. DD was wiggling all over the place all the time, passed her NST with flying colors, my midwives never even brought up induction. I was having major anxiety attacks that "something was wrong" and "needed her out." I think now I wasn't quite over (if you can ever "get over") the miscarriage and was so scared that I wasn't going to get to take this baby home either.
Perceived mistake #1: I asked for an induction. My midwives were great, and went VERY SLOWLY with it. At 41+2 I had cervical ripening, which did nothing and I went home. Went to an appointment the following day, where the m/w suggested a Foley balloon. Did that that afternoon, got to 3cm when she took it out, and went home to sleep. Came back the next morning for pitocin. I wasn't "stuck in the bed", I had telemetry monitors on so I was able to walk, use the birthing ball, etc. My contractions never quite got regular, and while I had to start using my Hypnobabies techniques to relax with the contractions, they never got super strong either. By 7pm that night I was only 3-4cm, so we stopped the pitocin and I got some meds to help me sleep.
The next morning we decided this was "it", and I agreed to have my water broken. Started the pitocin again, and this time it finally kicked me into labor. It was VERY SLOW GOING. I worked well with the contractions, moved around however I wanted to, my DH was AMAZING and extremely supportive. I got uncomfortable enough to get in the labor tub, which was wonderful. I started feeling shaky, vomitted and feeling like "I can't do this anymore." I was excited and thought I was in transition. I started half-heartedly asking for an epidural, but was easily talked out of it each time. (I had asked my M/W, nurse and DH to talk me out of an epidural or pain meds if I asked.)
In an effort to turn into a better position (DD was asynclitic) she turned posterior at this point. The back pain was incredible. I don't know if this is typical for back labor or not, but DD must have been on a nerve, because each contraction brought the most horrendous pain of my life and felt like I was being electrocuted. I kept vomitting from the pain. I kept working with it, convinced this was transition and it would be over soon.
Perceived mistake #2: After 2 hours of no cervical change (only at 6cm), I asked for an epidural and my m/w agreed it was a good idea. Got a great epidural, slept for a few hours, and finally started making SLOW cervical change. I was allowed to labor down, and finally started to feel an urge to push 6 hours after the epidural was placed. I'm not sure if it was the epidural, the fact my DD was large, that she was posterior, or a combination of all 3, but I ended up pushing for over 2 hours to get her to turn. At the 2 hour mark, my m/w told me she had called in her back-up OB. I decided then and there I was NOT going to have a C-section, and was able to push her out without any problems by the 2.5 hour point. She was 9lbs 7oz with a 15.5 inch head. I had a tiny laceration that didn't need stitches.
If you made it this far, bless you!
I just can't seem to stop wishing for a "do-over." Even though I doubt I would have went into labor naturally by 42 weeks given DD's wonky position, I wish I would have tried. I wish I could have had a natural birth without an epidural. I logically know that I COULDN'T handle the pain, I was going into shock from it, and that the epidural probably saved me from a C-section, but I can't seem to stop beating myself up for it.
How do you accept your birth for what it was and not keep wishing for the dream birth you didn't get?
Background info: DH and I had trouble conceiving. Not "infertility" by textbook standards, but I charted and my cycles were all over the place, got pregnant around the 6 month TTC mark but had a m/c at 9 weeks (baby stopped growing at 5.5), and ended up needing Metformin and progesterone to get pregnant again. I actually ovulated that cycle on the 1 year mark of TTC, which was kind of cool.
Anyway, the pregnancy was pretty much uneventful. I practiced Hypnobabies religiously, and while I wasn't convinced I would have a pain-free birth, I really felt it would help me to cope/relax and work with my body. I had to stop working at 40 weeks because of hip pain (I worked 12-hr night shifts, and was just in so much pain at the end of the shift I would cry all the way home). I knew full-well that first babies generally go overdue, and wasn't bothered when my "due date" came and went. At 41 weeks, I started getting nervous. DD was wiggling all over the place all the time, passed her NST with flying colors, my midwives never even brought up induction. I was having major anxiety attacks that "something was wrong" and "needed her out." I think now I wasn't quite over (if you can ever "get over") the miscarriage and was so scared that I wasn't going to get to take this baby home either.
Perceived mistake #1: I asked for an induction. My midwives were great, and went VERY SLOWLY with it. At 41+2 I had cervical ripening, which did nothing and I went home. Went to an appointment the following day, where the m/w suggested a Foley balloon. Did that that afternoon, got to 3cm when she took it out, and went home to sleep. Came back the next morning for pitocin. I wasn't "stuck in the bed", I had telemetry monitors on so I was able to walk, use the birthing ball, etc. My contractions never quite got regular, and while I had to start using my Hypnobabies techniques to relax with the contractions, they never got super strong either. By 7pm that night I was only 3-4cm, so we stopped the pitocin and I got some meds to help me sleep.
The next morning we decided this was "it", and I agreed to have my water broken. Started the pitocin again, and this time it finally kicked me into labor. It was VERY SLOW GOING. I worked well with the contractions, moved around however I wanted to, my DH was AMAZING and extremely supportive. I got uncomfortable enough to get in the labor tub, which was wonderful. I started feeling shaky, vomitted and feeling like "I can't do this anymore." I was excited and thought I was in transition. I started half-heartedly asking for an epidural, but was easily talked out of it each time. (I had asked my M/W, nurse and DH to talk me out of an epidural or pain meds if I asked.)
In an effort to turn into a better position (DD was asynclitic) she turned posterior at this point. The back pain was incredible. I don't know if this is typical for back labor or not, but DD must have been on a nerve, because each contraction brought the most horrendous pain of my life and felt like I was being electrocuted. I kept vomitting from the pain. I kept working with it, convinced this was transition and it would be over soon.
Perceived mistake #2: After 2 hours of no cervical change (only at 6cm), I asked for an epidural and my m/w agreed it was a good idea. Got a great epidural, slept for a few hours, and finally started making SLOW cervical change. I was allowed to labor down, and finally started to feel an urge to push 6 hours after the epidural was placed. I'm not sure if it was the epidural, the fact my DD was large, that she was posterior, or a combination of all 3, but I ended up pushing for over 2 hours to get her to turn. At the 2 hour mark, my m/w told me she had called in her back-up OB. I decided then and there I was NOT going to have a C-section, and was able to push her out without any problems by the 2.5 hour point. She was 9lbs 7oz with a 15.5 inch head. I had a tiny laceration that didn't need stitches.
If you made it this far, bless you!
I just can't seem to stop wishing for a "do-over." Even though I doubt I would have went into labor naturally by 42 weeks given DD's wonky position, I wish I would have tried. I wish I could have had a natural birth without an epidural. I logically know that I COULDN'T handle the pain, I was going into shock from it, and that the epidural probably saved me from a C-section, but I can't seem to stop beating myself up for it.
How do you accept your birth for what it was and not keep wishing for the dream birth you didn't get?
That's what I'm doing!
