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How old is too old to still be having kids? - Page 3

post #41 of 77
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
My mother was 43 when she had me. She had a potentially terminal heart problem from when i was 14. 7 heart attacks and a stroke followed until she had a double pace-maker fitted when i was 17. Within 3 months of having the pacemaker fitted she was dx with stage 4 cancer and given 6-12months to live. She decided she wanted to see me finish university and lived another 6 years, and died when i was 24.

Despite all of that i am SO SO glad she had me. She was a fantastically interesting woman and gave me many gifts in our relatively short time together. My XP's father had him when he was 24 and died of bone cancer when he was 37, and XP was just 13. Life is like that, you can't see ahead, there's no crystal ball.

So i say if there is love in your relationship and in your hearts then go for it. Even though i wish my mother wasn't ill and hadn't died when i was young, given the choice i would so rather have what i had than nothing at all.
This is beautiful, thanks for sharing!

We talked about it tonight and I expressed my concerns and he feels kind of like most of the rest of you... it's not that big a deal. He is healthy and takes good care of himself. And no one is guaranteed tomorrow. So we decided to go with it till he's 50... that gives me another 7 1/2 years we'll see what happens!
post #42 of 77
I will be 31 in December and my father is turning 75 in a couple of weeks...he was 44 when I was born (40 when my older brother was born).

He's been an amazing father. He taught me how to play soccer and baseball, coached my teams, helped me move cross country, etc. He was much more involved in my life than many of my friends much younger fathers.

He's got the normal health problems you would expect from an almost 75 year old, but overall he is healthy and still active.

My only sadness is that, because of his age, he may not be there when my children graduate from high school or get married.
post #43 of 77
If you and your dp feel up to it then I say go for it!

Personally, I want to be completely done having kids by 35. I would be absolutely thrilled to be done having kids by 30 (I'm 26 right now, we have a 7 year old and we will start TTC our next/last baby in a couple months). DP is 29. We want to have another and then be done and move on to the next stage in our lives. We would love to be able to travel (with and without kids) a lot.

My mom's oldest kid is 30. Her youngest is 4. My mom had him when she was 44? Somewhere around there. She has grandkids older than her youngest son It works for her! When I had my son my mom was often mistaken for HIS mom and I was mistaken for the nanny/babysitter/sister. LOL! Of course, it didn't help that I *was* the nanny for my mom's now 8 year old dd (her 8 year old dd and my ds are only 14 months apart in age).
post #44 of 77
I was one month shy of 40 when dd2 was born. DH was 44. She'll keep me young, into my "old" age.
post #45 of 77
Whenever YOU feel that you might not be fit to parent the way you'd really want to. Or if you think you aren't healthy enough to live to see your kids reach adulthood or have grandchildren or whatever your goal there is. You could also take family history into account if you're concerned... Like my great grandmother lived to be 93, before she died of a stroke. She was perfectly active until then, and was actually out for a walk with her 70 year old son. She outlived 3 husbands. She could have had children until menopause and seen them reach all the milestones parents hope to live to witness. I started young, so I'm stopping young. I wouldn't (in my personal situation) want to still be having kids after 30 but it has nothing to do with health.
post #46 of 77
Disclaimer: I have not read any of the responses.

Dh and I were 45 when Dylan was born. His sisters were 20, 17.5, and 13.5. He is now 12.5; his sisters are 32.5, 30, and 26. He has 2 living grandparents now. My parents are in their early 80s. Dh's mom died this year 2 months short of her 84th birthday. Dh's father died way before Dylan was born. Dylan has 2 nephews (first one born when Dylan was 7) and 3 nieces. He is very proud that his 5 yo nephew goes to the same charter school as he does. Dh and I will be 63 when Dylan graduates from high school. If he waits until his mid to late 20s to get married like his sisters did, we will be in our late 80s/early 90s when his children are born.

In one way, we are raising Dylan as an only child and he only has a sibling relationship with Angela. His relationship with Joy and Erica is more like aunt/nephew then sister/brother. There are days when I wish that Dylan was closer in age to his sisters but then I'd miss out on what he is now.

As far as my pregnancy went, it was uneventful. My ob/gyn said that I was his most boring mother. I had no complications or questions. There wasn't a whole lot of advice he could tell me. I didn't have any of the tests/ultrasounds that are common now. And I had no worries about any mental or physical defects because of my age. I did research and discussed it with my ob/gyn. We both agreed that since I had 3 uneventful previous pregnancies which all ended in natural birth, there was no reason why this one wouldn't either. And there was no question of an abortion if the tests indicated something being not right. Besides, the tests aren't that reliable any way. I did get induced during labor but it is typical for an older mother to stall out during labor. I was already in labor for about 12 hours before not progressing for 7 hours after that. Dylan was born naturally 5 hours after the induction drugs. Dh got to cut the umbilical cord and Joy was in the room for the birth. Erica and Angela elected not to be.
post #47 of 77
I hadn't started menopause when I got pregnant with Dylan. And monpause after he stopped nursing has been a breeze. I quit having periods when Dylan was in K. They didn't return until Dylan was about 18 months old and were an average of 3 day then and 4-6 weeks a part. By the time Dylan was in K, they were as long as 3 months apart. Other than no periods, I havn't had any of the horror stories about menopause--no real mood swings, no hot flashes, no insommia, etc. Having a child in my 40s has been great for my menopause years. Breastfeeding for a total of 5-6 years hasn't hurt either. Nor has not having a period for a total of almost 8 years.
post #48 of 77
My dad was 53 when I was born. "Introverted misanthropes" would be a pretty good description of my parents, haha. I don't care.. I loved our laidback lifestyle with no bustling around to various activities or what-have-you. I never even met another kid (other than my 8-years-older brother) until I was almost six.

Anyway, dad is 85 now, mom is about to turn 60 (and she has cerebral palsy). I don't think I missed out on anything and I'm absolutely happy with the way I was raised and love having a dad old enough to tell me his stories from the Great Depression and WWII...

--K
post #49 of 77
For me, 35 would be pushing it. Granted, I got married young and had my first child at 21 so I'm coming at this from a different perspective. I'm hoping to be done having children by the time I'm 30.
post #50 of 77
My best friend in HS & college was a child of both her parents' 2nd marriages - her mom was in her early 40s, & her dad, in his 60s - her mom is still doing fine, & her dad just died at age 101 (& was real active until his last year - he was on his 3rd wife though (I think he divorced & remarried around 85?), but my friend & her step-mom get along real well).

When I turned 37, I started thinking about having kids... mine were born when I was 38 1/2, & 1 month short of 40. DH was, respectively, 50, & 51. DH's dad lives with us, & he's pretty lively at 83. It's working fine for us.
post #51 of 77
There is 14 years between DH and I he is now 43, I am 29, we had our third and last baby a couple of years ago when he was 41 and I was 27.

He wasn't comfortable with it but mainly because neither of us are well, DD3 was an oops baby BUT, we are all incredibly happy and very glad we had her (in fact, the other day he said to me its a shame I got sterilised because he would have liked a couple more kids, he seems to have forgotten that I get sicker with each pregnancy lol). Thing is, like any other human, he kept swinging one way and then another. I was concerned about his age at one point but I think what really affected me most was when we started the girls at school this year and saw that actually, he wasn't the oldest Dad there with kids our age, he was some where in between.

In 20 years, DH will be 63/64, our children will be 22, 25 and 26, I don't think thats so bad and when you consider that generally, people are living longer, healthier lives, really, it doesn't seem bad at all.
post #52 of 77
I think it depends on the person. If he is in good health and is likely to stay active then 61 isn't going ot be tough. But my father for example, was/is not in good health. He had me when he was 40 and my sister when he was 43. He is going ot be 70 next year and there and you could see the difference when I was in late high school and when in uni. My friends who had parents who were 10 years younger had a very different family dynamic.

That said the grandma in my au pair family was 65ish when I was there and fit as a whip with plenty of energy and very active. So for me its really an individual thing, not the actual number.
post #53 of 77
I'm pregnant and will be 40 when the babe is born, and my DH will be 44. Our son is 5. In our case it wasn't a total choice - infertility was a definite factor. Ideally we'd be 5 years back, but who gets an ideal life anyway?

I think there are some things to consider, but there are at any age.

Our mortgage should, as long as we continue to be gainfully employed, be paid off within a decade which will give us some breathing room for education (although we have savings for that too). We don't have huge retirement accounts but they're reasonably healthy. We have pretty good insurance. I think it is important to work for a balance that way. We're also not looking at "our kids care for us" as a long-term health plan -- we'll pick a retirement home and suck it up.

We are through a lot of the instability we had in our 20s and early 30s and don't miss partying at night, aren't struggling in grad school, etc. etc. etc. I think there are a lot of tradeoffs and I'm comfortable with where we're at. I kind of feel like - yeah we might slow down and do a few fewer things, but we might also be better at choosing what's important. Just how we've developed as people.

For health sure, you have to think about it. My DH has been biking more this year as he's realizing he has to put some effort in to stay healthy, but struggles a bit with weight. I lost 30 lbs earlier this year (before getting pregnant) and also have upped my workouts, and some of that is wanting to stay as strong and healthy as possible for our kids. It isn't a guarantee but it's what we can do, and as a bonus our son gets to live that healthy lifestyle with us (when we manage it!)

For menopause my mother went through early menopause at 40 so - no guarantees!

With grandparents - sure I've had that thought, that I might not to get to be a younger healthier grandmother. On the other hand, I might! There are so many active and healthy 60 and even 70 year olds out there.
post #54 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post

My mom's oldest kid is 30. Her youngest is 4. My mom had him when she was 44? Somewhere around there. She has grandkids older than her youngest son It works for her! When I had my son my mom was often mistaken for HIS mom and I was mistaken for the nanny/babysitter/sister. LOL! Of course, it didn't help that I *was* the nanny for my mom's now 8 year old dd (her 8 year old dd and my ds are only 14 months apart in age).
When one of the girls were out with Dylan when he was a baby, they were mistaken for his mother and got dirty looks from people who thought that they were teen moms, especially Angela since she was only 13.5 when he was born. It was easier on Joy since she was 20 and Dylan really did look like he could be her son. I'm mistaken for Dylan's grandmother especially when we are all out together with the "real" grandchildren. Dylan started introducing me as his "real mom, not my grandmother" when he was in elementary school. He has teachers that are younger than Angela.
post #55 of 77
I was 46 and my husband 47 when our only child was born.He is now 8.He is the great love of my life and my husband's too.We all adore each other and have much richer lives because of him.We are aware of our mortality as my husband was diagnosed with cancer last year. He went through treatment and is currently cancer free.My son's heart will break if the cancer reoccurs and my husband dies but that is not a reason for me to think we shouldn't have had him.You have the potential to have a long happy time together and should live your life in the present and enjoy it rather than anticipating potential problems that may or may not occur.
post #56 of 77
I only read the first page, but just wanted to say that I wouldn't avoid having children just because your situation isn't perfect or ideal. If that were a prerequisite to having children, then most people shouldn't be having them.

I had my son at 27, he is 11 now, and my dad lives way up north, rarely see him, and my mom, who lives very close, isn't involved at all. Neither of my parents would make good guardians. Both my sisters are selfish people whom I never speak to. I hang out with a friend's family often - she has parents who love to have the kids over and cook for them, sit around on a Sunday and play games, etc. I don't have that at ALL with my family, and my parents had me at 20 and 21 years old. My mom would rather go gambling than come over for dinner, and she would rather pluck out her own fingernails than actually cook FOR anyone and have them over!

Obviously we all know there are no guarantees in life, but I just wanted to point that out again

That all being said, I think you're 'too old' when you are at the age where the average woman can no longer get pregnant. I won't say menopause, because some women have premature ovarian failure in their 20's or early 30's, and I certainly wouldn't say they shouldn't see a doctor to get pregnant! But if a woman is a bit past the average and still wants a baby and needs some help, really, big deal. Lots of young people have babies into volatile situations every day. Like I said, if only ideal parents could have babies, there wouldn't be that many parents. Most of us are flawed to a degree that someone could argue we shouldn't have kids (whether it's a crappy extended family, like in my case, age, income level, education, temperment, mental health status, etc.) Rather than say none of those people should conceive, I think it's best to just give people the benefit of the doubt, old or young.
post #57 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by karanyavel View Post
My dad was 53 when I was born. "Introverted misanthropes" would be a pretty good description of my parents, haha. I don't care.. I loved our laidback lifestyle with no bustling around to various activities or what-have-you. I never even met another kid (other than my 8-years-older brother) until I was almost six.

Anyway, dad is 85 now, mom is about to turn 60 (and she has cerebral palsy). I don't think I missed out on anything and I'm absolutely happy with the way I was raised and love having a dad old enough to tell me his stories from the Great Depression and WWII...

--K
Wow, this is great! I'd love to hear more about your childhood!
post #58 of 77
My DH and I were determined to have our kids young (he is 30, I am 33, and our eldest is six). We have cherished plans for our fifties that involve early retirement and not having kids at home. But honestly, I think that WE'RE the weirdos in this, our decision to spawn young was entirely self-centered, and that most couples who don't want to be wandering expats for a decade have no reason not to have kids in their forties. Lots of my kid's peers have older parents, and they seem to be doing great.
post #59 of 77
Just an interesting spinoff of PP's post. She said she had her kids 'young' and her eldest was born when she was 27. That's how old I was when I had my son and I *did* feel like a pretty 'young' mom. Then I waited until he was 2.5 to TTC #2 and suffered through almost 6 years infertility to finally conceive DD via IVF - so in SIX years (well, 8.5 if you go from birth but I still felt 'young' when DS was 2.5 and I was 29) I went from feeling 'young' to being 'advanced maternal age' when I was pregnant. Life is short!!!
post #60 of 77
Well, dh is 31 and feels like he's too old to have any more kids

I personally wouldn't want to conceive after 35. By the time I'm in my 50s I'd rather be loving on grandbabies that raising my own kids.
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