My friends child... - Page 2

[kanga2roo]

It is impossible for us to judge whether or not you "should" discuss your concerns with the Mom, as you originally asked. Only you are in a position to judge your friend(ship) and whether or not you are comfortable and could do it in a compassionate way. But...in a later post you said you thought you should and were asking how....
Do you have any experience with children with special needs? Have you ever approached a similar situation before?
I would just try to pick a specific instance and say what you saw. Reporting, almost and without judgment. Say what happened, what she did, what you did. If you approach it in a non threatening manner and possibly say that it has been bothering you because of how she responded- that you were worried that maybe you didn't know how she took your intervention or whether or not your message was clear to her.....then the Mom has the option of continuing the conversation or not. It might open the door for her to say that she has felt the same way with her child before, or get her to consider how her child takes in something like that.
If I cared about the family I wouldn't ignore it or not touch it with a ten foot pole. Why does there need to be a certain time to behave like a friend? Its okay to discuss it later when the school raises concerns but not now? If your conversation is nonjudgmental and done with a tone of support I think thats okay. And I definitely do not agree that all Moms know if something is wrong with their own young child. Many do, of course, but not all.

[One_Girl]

Preschool kids often give a blank look when they are scolded for something they think is great fun, and at that age they often think if they are having fun then the other child is also having fun. Blank looks and an okay instead of another emotion when scolded are also common because they want to get on with things and not be scolded anymore. Some kids also look blank while they process things or look blankly when scolded by people who don't typically have that role. They also do wierd things like give themselves high fives and mimick what other people are doing, actually compared to my friends son that isn't all that wierd and he is very normal and caring. I am sure the mother would have noticed if she didn't have any emotions towards other people and if she doesn't they will notice in school. I think that there is a lot of strong judgement for what is basically normal, not very alarming behavior. The child has a new sibling, is processing a lot, and is still developing her friendship skills. If she is the same way in a couple years then I think that you should say something, but it is too soon to know right now.

[mommariffic]

Hey everyone
Thanks for all the replies - again I think when I type what I'm thinking it's hard to articulate in words, and it's easy to "sound" wrong or offensive via the internet.

I do think the mom is in her own odd way reaching out for help. I have worked in childcare, and I also am in tune with regular toddler behavior - of course they are going to act aggressive/mimic etc! My friend often sends me emails about her feelings, and I often give her honest advice [like I do with all friends, maybe why I don't have many ha! But I've also on the other spectrum received advice on DD's own behaviors] and I do think that she isn't aware of the extent of her daughters behavior. I've caught her doing several red flag things [which I am not going to get into here] that are def above what is normal developmental stuff. And so I think my concern is this: she's my friend and I want to address this gently because I think if it's "ignored" or "waited to go away" for 2 years until school there's going to be issues.

Need to nurse, write more later!

[kcparker]

Any chance you can do something like loan her a magazine that has an article on child development that might be useful to her? Mothering or another magazine like Pathways might be good because they often have articles on things like ASD, holistic approaches to health and wellness (mental and physical), and if you loan it to her, tell her, "I thought X and Y articles were really interesting because they are about development in kids the age of ours," let her read, draw her own conclusions without ever saying, "I think your daughter has something going on." Or if you have a book (anything from a memoir of a family living with an autistic child to a Temple Grandin book to something on child development) that might turn a lightbulb on for her...just a thought on an alternative way to broach the subject.

[3xMama]

Personally, I agree with you, I really think you should in some way bring this up with your friend. From what I've gathered, you are pretty good friends. Will your friendship survive this? I have no idea. But I think it is more important for it to be brought up and risk that. Catering to your friend's denial isn't going to help the child and that would be my top priority-helping the child. The sooner kids get the help they need the better.

I think what you should do depends on how forward you want to be. Do you want to drop hints and hope she gets it, or do you want to sit down and have a heart to heart?
In the first instance, I would try casually bringing up something at the time it happened. IE-when your friend's child ("K") seems blank and unattached, say "Hm, is K feeling alright today? When I talked to her she didn't even seem to register I was there." I also like the idea of passing along an article because its about kids who are the same age as your kids. If she's truly in denial though, I don't know that this approach will work. If she's just not seeing it, it might. I would be concerned that if it takes your friend another year to see it, she might be upset that she got all these hints and no real meat, so to speak. Putting myself in her position, I'd be annoyed and probably angry that my friend dropped hints for a year instead of just speaking up.

That being said, just bringing it up would be delicate. No matter what, no one wants to hear that someone thinks their kid has special needs. I'd start off slow and make sure to tell her that you are bringing it up because you care about her, her kids and her family and you want to do what's best. Then gently point out what you've come across, citing examples that you've already listed out.

Maybe talking with some of the moms on the special needs board would help give you some ideas. I don't think you meant any offense using the words "sociopathic" and "robotic", it seems to me you were just trying to explain how she was acting. Those words are pretty loaded, though, esp in regards to a child-specifically sociopathic. I know tone and expression don't come across online, so in your position, I'd reword the concerns in talking with them.

[ecoteat]

I don't know what the best approach is, but I also think you need to somehow discuss this with your friend. If the child does actually fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, it is not in her best interest for things to continue as is until her parents notice it or are no longer in denial about her challenges or whatever the situation is. The sooner a child with ASD gets help, the better off she'll be as time goes on.

I have a friend who has a son in 3rd grade. He had an awful year in school last year with a teacher that didn't understand his needs and an unreasonable principal. She pulled him out to homeschool the last few weeks of school. All last year I tried to suggest, in a very round-about way, that he might need some sort of assistance beyond the regular education, but I was nervous about it and overly vague. He is now back in school and I decided to just get over my issues with not wanting to potentially offend my friend and came right out and suggested that from my experience as a teacher and training on Autism I would not be surprised if he would be labeled with some sort of sensory processing issues. She was very receptive and promptly went to talk to his teacher about our concerns (she agreed with me once we had common language to discuss what we were both seeing) and he is now getting more direct assistance. I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gotten that conversation started.

I think a good friend should be open about caring for and helping another friend's kids. If my dd had some problems that I wasn't seeing because I was too close to her daily routines and activities, I would absolutely want a different perspective to be shared with me if it was productive. It may not be an easy conversation, but it's probably not easy for the kid to go on like this either.

[reezley]

I'm also in the camp of mentioning it delicately if you really think the behavior is very off. I actually had a neighbor chat with me recently about what turned out to maybe be him pointing out behaviors in my ds that he was wondering about. They live on our street and his son and my ds play a lot together, and he recently confided in me that his son was diagnosed with aspergers years ago, and has made leaps and bounds and perhaps we haven't even noticed - but he's letting me know in case anything seems a bit strange in our dealings with him. I had already noticed he was quirky, in ways similar to, but definitely more exaggerated than my ds. My ds had gone on a few outings with them alone and so the dad really had a chance to interact with him. He mentioned they have a great time together - have a lot in common, .... I don't know that he meant to suggest I look closer at my ds's behaviors, but I actually appreciated him talking to me about it, and I think any parent with a child who has some behavior issues would appreciate thinking it through with someone who has experience. I am never offended when someone sees me at a moment when I'm struggling with my kid/s and says "he can be tough, huh!". Even a little comment like that can open to door to a conversation perhaps.

[Tumble Bumbles]

Originally Posted by ErinYay

A true friend who has no professional or personal knowledge or experience with developmentally or neurologically not-average children has absolutely no business bringing up their friend's child's perceived issues. None. It's arrogant to think otherwise.

I agree with this.

[Petie1104]

Honestly, with my daughter I knew immediately that something was wrong. My son is a different story. It was a neighbor that commented on a behavior that brought my attention to it. So not all parent's know. Or actually, I'll say I did KNOW but I wouldn't admit to myself that I knew. So I'd find myself rationalizing, "oh well, isn't that cute, or quirky, or interesting, or anything" as long as it wasn't saying, "wow that is a symptom". With that said, LUCKILY for my son, his symptoms are rather mild and don't affect day to day life. After the neighbor said something to me, I asked my daughter's therapist what she thought. Her response was simple, "yeah, I noticed, but it doesn't seem to affect him or the family negatively so I was going to wait until you brought it up."

So here's how the neighbor did this...

Wow, do you know what your son just said? All the time she was smiling. She explained their conversation and how he actually got frustrated when she acted disinterested and how it was so interesting that a child his age knew this and that.

So basically, she came from the perspective of "how interesting" "wow that is amazing" "you mean he really is able to" etc. and, "you know I read once that children that do xxxx are sometimes showing signs of xxxx. Isn't that interesting?" Accentuating the good things that were involved in the behaviors rather than saying, "you know your son acted very strange today, have you thought that maybe he has..."

She started a relaxing conversation and slowly worked into her concern. With that method, it just seemed to be the flow of the conversation, at which point I had to admit that yes, I had noticed that to.

[sapphire_chan]

If the mom didn't see the broom thing, how on earth is she supposed to know that her kid hit someone with a broom and then dismissed an adult she knows well telling her hitting people isn't cool? "she knows her kid is acting that way"? Sure, IF the kid does the stuff when mom's around.