Did cosleeping ruin my kid?

[yentroc]

Or does she just have issues?

I thought that AP and cosleeping in particular fostered secure attachment. My 5.5 yr old DD has severe separation anxiety and always has at bedtime in particular. We coslept in the same bed until she was 8 months old when we decided that everyone slept better with some more space. So we moved her onto a futon mattress on the floor next to our bed on the floor. She slept in her own bed next to ours until she was 4.75 yrs old. She decided to move into her own room about a month before DS was born. We definitely encouraged it, and I was relieved to not have DS waking DD up at night. My DH has been sleeping either with her in her room or just outside her door on a mattress for almost a year.

(I have to add that even when she was sleeping right next to me, she would wake frequently to check if I was there, even as a 4 yr old)

Well, every single night is a total drama. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that DS cosleeps with me at night. But I feel like moving her back into our room is not a great option at this point. Since she has separation anxiety issues elsewhere (cries being dropped off at school for THREE YEARS every.single.day), I feel that I'd like to encourage her to overcome these issues and I think moving her back would not help her confidence in her ability to be ok without me.

Any insight? Anyone else's kids have these issues after prolonged cosleeping?

[chrstene]

Watching your thread....sounds like my daughter to a T !
Cant wait to see if anyone has any advice !
part of me thinks cosleeping did partially "do" this...but then I am quickly reminded that my son, who just turned 2, also coslept with us and nursed all night, etc. But happily sleeps in his room all night by himself, in a crib, for at least the past 8 months. So I don't really know !???
I think maybe a combo...high needs babies + cosleeping, etc. But what are the options.....ignore a high needs child and lock them in their room? I feel ridiculous even typing that nonsense!

[always hope]

I am just starting out on the cosleeping journey so no expert here but do you think it is personality? Temperament? Other there any other areas she struggles with?

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by chrstene

Watching your thread....sounds like my daughter to a T !
Cant wait to see if anyone has any advice !
part of me thinks cosleeping did partially "do" this...but then I am quickly reminded that my son, who just turned 2, also coslept with us and nursed all night, etc. But happily sleeps in his room all night by himself, in a crib, for at least the past 8 months. So I don't really know !???
I think maybe a combo...high needs babies + cosleeping, etc. But what are the options.....ignore a high needs child and lock them in their room? I feel ridiculous even typing that nonsense!

Well, chrstene, at least we're not alone, we might be the only 2...

I agree, cosleeping was the only option for my high needs baby who never slept.

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by always hope

I am just starting out on the cosleeping journey so no expert here but do you think it is personality? Temperament? Other there any other areas she struggles with?

Oh, it's most definitely a temperament thing. She's a nervous nelly. I just wonder if cosleeping was the best thing for her. At least extended cosleeping like we did...

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by yentroc

Oh, it's most definitely a temperament thing. She's a nervous nelly. I just wonder if cosleeping was the best thing for her. At least extended cosleeping like we did...

I wouldn't call 8 months extended cosleeping.

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

I wouldn't call 8 months extended cosleeping.

I was talking about her sleeping in our room for almost 5 yrs...

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by yentroc

I was talking about her sleeping in our room for almost 5 yrs...

I define cosleeping as sleeping in the same bed, not sharing a room.
Both my daughters were sleeping in bed with us until July when we bought them bunkbeds. Those bunkbeds are right next to our bed in the bedroom (not my bedroom, THE bedroom). Most mornings I wake up to find that my youngest has crawled into bed with me. My husband says 50/50 she's there already before the gets up to an alarm (which the rest of us sleep through most of the time). We got them their own bed this summer so we'd have time to create a bedtime routine for school. My oldest started Kindergarten this year and has adjusted quite well! Originally, we thought Abigail would sleep on the top bunk. She did the first two nights, but then said she didn't like to sleep so far away because up there she couldn't "feel" me. So she switched to the bottom and Sophia slept on the top, for a week. Now they both share the bottom bunk. So they're still cosleeping, with each other, and my husband and I still cosleep, with each other.

[3xMama]

It sounds like temperment to me. I'd be willing to bet that even had you set up a traditional room sitution, she'd have gotten up and into your bed at night just to be sure you were there. I don't think at this point questioning the cosleeping is really worth it. It is as it is, now what to do to change that I think would become the question.

Maybe bringing her back into your room on the floor would be good for her. Its a big big change having a new baby around and its possible that right now she needs more closeness and security rather than trying to overcome seperation anxiety. Maybe set it up with a date to end it-60 days-and then make a calendar and cross one day off at a time with her. I'd also set it up that daddy is not in the room with her and is not sleeping outside her door. Make one clean break instead of several small ones. Once that day is hit, make a big deal out of it, get her a new stuff animal (my DD really loves those Pillow Pet thingies and a fun pillow/stuffed animal seems made for this andmight help that transition) and really praise her for it.

Have you tried discussing her separation anxiety with her ped or teachers? They might have some really great ideas or at least insight as to why. Is there a possibility that something triggered how fearful she is of seperation from you? If so, figuring that out might be the best way to deal with it. Or she's just a nervous kiddo who needs a lot of extra support. In which case I'd be afraid that pushing her to get over the anxiety will just make her more anxious in the long run, kwim?

HTH!!

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by 3xMama

It sounds like temperment to me. I'd be willing to bet that even had you set up a traditional room sitution, she'd have gotten up and into your bed at night just to be sure you were there. I don't think at this point questioning the cosleeping is really worth it. It is as it is, now what to do to change that I think would become the question.

Maybe bringing her back into your room on the floor would be good for her. Its a big big change having a new baby around and its possible that right now she needs more closeness and security rather than trying to overcome seperation anxiety. Maybe set it up with a date to end it-60 days-and then make a calendar and cross one day off at a time with her. I'd also set it up that daddy is not in the room with her and is not sleeping outside her door. Make one clean break instead of several small ones. Once that day is hit, make a big deal out of it, get her a new stuff animal (my DD really loves those Pillow Pet thingies and a fun pillow/stuffed animal seems made for this andmight help that transition) and really praise her for it.

Have you tried discussing her separation anxiety with her ped or teachers? They might have some really great ideas or at least insight as to why. Is there a possibility that something triggered how fearful she is of seperation from you? If so, figuring that out might be the best way to deal with it. Or she's just a nervous kiddo who needs a lot of extra support. In which case I'd be afraid that pushing her to get over the anxiety will just make her more anxious in the long run, kwim?

HTH!!

Wow! Thanks for such a thoughtful reply!

Those are all great suggestions. I've thought many times of inviting her back into my room, just so she doesn't feel "banished"... my DH is so against it because he feels like we'll be "starting over" getting her back into her room again. She's the type of kid who is a rule follower and would never think to come into our room unless specifically invited. That's why a calendar plan may just work for her.

You're right, I'm sure questioning the cosleeping doesn't matter. She's an anxious kid no matter what. Always has been.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by yentroc

Wow! Thanks for such a thoughtful reply!

Those are all great suggestions. I've thought many times of inviting her back into my room, just so she doesn't feel "banished"... my DH is so against it because he feels like we'll be "starting over" getting her back into her room again. She's the type of kid who is a rule follower and would never think to come into our room unless specifically invited. That's why a calendar plan may just work for her.

You're right, I'm sure questioning the cosleeping doesn't matter. She's an anxious kid no matter what. Always has been.

It sounds like you've got it under control, I just wanted to say that I see a lot of times people looking to fix the symptom not the root problem. You might try explaing to your dh that the goal is not to get her to sleep by herself, but to develop confidence and security. i think moving her back into your room will help her feel more secure.

[Peony]

I agree with 3xmama, just bring her back in the room. It is hard having all these worries about it, sending confusing messages to her, etc...

And I can totally relate, my 7.5y sleeps in the same room as DH, it is the only way she can sleep. DD1 was HN, very bad sleeper from birth, slept in the same bed with a parent until right before 5. She slept in her own bed/room for a couple months and then was back in bed with us for almost a year until DS came along until she had to get booted out of family bed and onto her own mattress. DD1 has an anxious personality, night time is very difficult for her, we have supportive and careful not to push (so hard though) or else the anxiety gets worse. Now for my DD1, we finally decided that this anxiety wasn't going anywhere, it looks like it is just her. So now she has a wonderful children's counselor that she goes and talks to. She learns calming techniques, meditation, talks bout her fears. We had done play therapy in the past when her anxiety was really bad around 5.5, but it wasn't as successful as this current therapy.

[yentroc]

Originally Posted by Peony

I agree with 3xmama, just bring her back in the room. It is hard having all these worries about it, sending confusing messages to her, etc...

And I can totally relate, my 7.5y sleeps in the same room as DH, it is the only way she can sleep. DD1 was HN, very bad sleeper from birth, slept in the same bed with a parent until right before 5. She slept in her own bed/room for a couple months and then was back in bed with us for almost a year until DS came along until she had to get booted out of family bed and onto her own mattress. DD1 has an anxious personality, night time is very difficult for her, we have supportive and careful not to push (so hard though) or else the anxiety gets worse. Now for my DD1, we finally decided that this anxiety wasn't going anywhere, it looks like it is just her. So now she has a wonderful children's counselor that she goes and talks to. She learns calming techniques, meditation, talks bout her fears. We had done play therapy in the past when her anxiety was really bad around 5.5, but it wasn't as successful as this current therapy.

Thanks.

Parenting my anxious dd has been really difficult for me. I go to bed every night feeling so guilty about ways that I wasn't supportive to her during the day. Sometimes I just don't have time for another meltdown about a worry about bats or black holes or whatever the worry of the day is.

We did some therapy this summer but I really didn't jive with the therapist. When I mentioned that she slept in our room until almost 5 (we were discussing her nighttime anxiety), she was totally taken aback and really questioned why we still had a monitor in her room. I knew that we were in the wrong place...

How did you find your child's therapist?

[azgirl]

I think you are dealing with a naturally anxious child; you don't have to do anything wrong, it's just the way she is. There are probably things you can do to help her. As far as finding a therapist...Dr. Sears says somewhere that there is no need to discuss sleeping arrangements with a doctor. I took that to heart! We see many specialists and it seems like all of them ask about sleep. I always describe my DS's sleep patterns but not where he sleeps. We have so many doctors that we love that I KNOW we would have negative interactions with if we talked to them about cosleeping. I had absolute faith that cosleeping was right for us (may not be with another babe, but for this one it is/was) I know others here may argue that you need to find a therapist that is cool with cosleeping. I disagree. I don't think cosleeping is the issue, so I wouldn't bring it up.

I saw a therapist constantly for 18 months for severe PPD. I am sure if I had mentioned that we were cosleeping she would have focused on that as a big issue/problem. Instead we focused on the things that were actually problems She isn't crunchy at all!!! She is anti-crunchy!! But if I had looked for another therapist I would have missed out on someone who changed my life and helped me be the happiest I have ever been. People can be experts at one area of human health and development and not understand that cosleeping is healthy and normal for humans. That does NOT mean that other therapist was right for you. I can see how it would be hard to discuss your DDs night anxiety without mentioning cosleeping. I just wouldn't focus on THAT element of it.

I don't have second thoughts about my "crunchy" choices, though. It sounds like you guys are having some...I love some of the ideas others have given about transitioning your daughter into different sleeping arrangements.

What does your daughter say about her anxiety?

An anecdote: my nephew is almost 7. He is one of those kiddos who happily slept alone in his crib from babyhood until childhood. For the last couple of years he needs to go sleep on mom or grandma's floor at some point every night. This started after a really anxious time for him. Really, you didn't cause this by letting her sleep with you, you have probably laid the foundation for her trusting you enough to help her work through her anxiety. You guys sound like really thoughtful parents.

[SeattleRain]

I doubt the cosleeping is why your daughter has trouble sleeping. It sounds like she has trouble with anxiety and that cosleeping made her feel secure. Yes, it might have been masking the problem but you also might not have been able to deal with this any sooner. Just like some children have a really hard time self-soothing and have to be coached along (i.e. helped with a lovey, helped to find their thumb, etc.), some children seem to need more help self-calming. I think it would be extremely beneficial for your daughter to see a behavioural therapist to try and learn some new techniques to help her feel calm when she is anxious.

I think not divulging a key part of the problem (your daughters nighttime issues) when you're asking a doctor to help you, is a bad idea. When Dr. Sears said that no one needs to know where your baby sleeps, I think he meant not to bring it up if its not bothering you. If everyone is happy cosleeping, that's one thing, but this isn't that sort of thing. It sounds like the child isn't cosleeping because its comfortable and cozy, she's sleeping there because she's scared to sleep anywhere else. I don't know if that's normal.