Advice needed on protecting toddlers at babysitter's

[Mommyintraining2]

I wasn't sure how to title this. I'm not exactly sure how to ask this, since the last time I asked something along these lines, several people here seemed upset. But here goes.

DDs ages 2 and 3 are going to be watched at the house of a good friend of mine once a week for about 3 hours so that I can get housework done. I absolutely, completely trust her with them. But she also has a 15 year old son who, although is very nice and respectful, will also be there. I don't know him well, and I have no reason not to trust him. However, I don't want him to be alone with the girls. I always want to know that my friend is present. This is just what makes me comfortable enough to leave them with anyone, knowing who is going to be alone with them, at least until they are a little older and can stand up for themselves.

Please don't flame me! Years ago, DH and I had a close friend who was suddenly put into prison for child molesting. We would never have suspected him of anything in a thousand years!!! Since then, I am pro-active about teaching my kids how to protect themselves and keeping them in environments that are as safe as I can make them.

So, my question is: How can I let my friend know in a non-offensive way that I would like for her always be with my girls and not to be alone with her son?

[abiyhayil]

I completely understand why you would want to insist on that, but I am no help, confrontation is my weakness. I hope you get some good advice!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

This doesnt sound proactive.

Im sorry, but if there is any question at all about who my kids are going to be around, or doubts of their safety, i would be axxing the arrangment. As a mother of two boys who will someday be 15, with a friend who may have babies around the time my sons are teenagers, I cant even immagine her asking me to watch them for a few hours, but to make sure my sons stay away from them.

Nope, no non-offesive way to ask something like that. sorry.

I would actually consider some therepy for you reguarding the possible PTSD you might be experiencing from the indictment of your friend. It might be causing your feelings to be a bit confused reguarding the safety of your kids. Of course you want them to be safe, but you dont want them to grow up in fear of all males because they MIGHT molest them. I have claustriphobia and my husband is deathly afraid of heights. But I try my darndest to not let my neurosis carry over onto them. Like my mothers claustriphobia did with me, or my MILs fear of heights did with my husband. There is careful, and there is crossing a line, and I think you might be crossing that line with this situaiton.

[HeliMom]

Honestly ask yourself why you do not want this young man around your children. Does this young man send up warning signals or are you just now looking at all males past puberty as potential predators because of the fact that you were unaware that a close friend of yours was a predator?

If it's the first, then under no circumstances leave your children with your friend. The is no way that you can be 100% sure she will be monitoring him 100% of the time. Just don't do that to yourself or your kids.

Or second, which I can see as a instinctive reaction to feeling like you cannot trust people who appear to be trustworthy. That can be a very frightening thing. Honestly though, predators come in all sexes genders and orientations. Would you feel this way if it were a 15 year old daughter instead of a son? Would you then try to make an effort to get to know the teen in question?

Why not have an open conversation with your (babysitting) friend? You are scared of trusting people who seem otherwise trustworthy, you have no reason not to trust her or her son but you aren't sure what do do because you had no reason not to trust this other friend. Be honest, open, if she is upset or slightly offended allow her that. I think though if she is a good friend and you can help her to see that you aren't trying to single her kid out, you two might be able to talk constructively about how you can rebuild your trust in people while developing the skills to trust your instincts about predators.

[la mamita]

I agree with Barbie64g in that you might be crossing a line in paranoia here, going beyond what is a rational and logical fear into being overprotective or paranoid.

However, I think it is possible to approach this by saying to your friend that you want to make sure that an adult is watching your daughters at all times as they are young and mischevious toddlers who really need the supervision of an experienced person, aka your friend and not her teenage son.

Saying to your friend that you worry that your daughters might be molested by her son when you state that you really have no particular concerns about this specific boy, no bad vibes, etc.....well, that sounds a little paranoid and offensive, and you might get into hot water saying that. If you really want to 100% avoid the situation, you need to find a new babysitter. And perhaps a good therapist as well.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I think it's perfectly legit to require the mom to be there with your daughters for any reason. I don't see why people assume you are accusing this young man of anything. I don't see that you think anything bad of him at all. You just want to be sure you're kids are getting proper care.

I don't exactly know how to say that to her without upsetting her.

Maybe I missed it, but the OP isn't saying she doesn't want the boy around her kids, she doesn't want them ALONE with him. I think it is reasonable for any caregiver to be with them the whole time anyway; they need supervision.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

Maybe I missed it, but the OP isn't saying she doesn't want the boy around her kids, she doesn't want them ALONE with him. I think it is reasonable for any caregiver to be with them the whole time anyway; they need supervision.

The mention in the OP of the situation with the friend who was convicted of molesting children insinuated TO ME that this is the OPs biggest fear regaurding her kids being alone with the son for any length of time.

So when the children are napping and she lays them down in another room and runs to the bathroom, is she supposed to ask her son to leave the house?

And I also agree that it is perfectly acceptable to expect the caregiver to be in the presence of the children at all times. I guess the whole, she has a 15 YO son, so I worry about him molesting my kids, rubbed me the wrong way.
It just seems extreme to me if the boy has NEVER shown ANY signs or red flags in the past. If the fears are strictly internal, THAT needs to be addressed.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

I guess the whole, she has a 15 YO son, so I worry about him molesting my kids, rubbed me the wrong way.
It just seems extreme to me if the boy has NEVER shown ANY signs or red flags in the past. If the fears are strictly internal, THAT needs to be addressed.

I agree with that. It is unfair to accuse him in her mind.

[Neera]

If you can't have your children in the arrangement you like best and since this is an arrangement with a good friend and involves her son I would cancel the arrangement. I am not paranoid but I am v. cautious because of certain reasons I don't want to talk about. There really is no way to communicate your message in a diplomatic way.

[gbailey]

OP, I 1000% understand your position but if you don't want her son alone with your children in her home, I think you should rethink the arrangement. Put yourself in her position for a minute and think about how you would feel if she asked you the same thing in your home. I understand you not wanting the kids to be alone with a 15 year old but she may ask her son to keep an eye on them while she uses the bathroom, leaves the room etc. Asking her this will likely make her feel defensive and annoyed. I can understand your position but can also understand how your friend would feel if you are to ask her this.

If it's not possible for her to come to your house to watch the children while you take care of what you need to do, I don't think you should leave the children there.

[crecentcitymama]

a thought

I feel like this is a completely legitimate fear. Especially have seen someone close to you be convicted of being a predator. Having been molested as a child, I know I am going to be very careful of who I leave my son with and will want to know who he is alone with. I can understand that fear because the man that molested me was my best friends dad and he was abusing me for 8 years and he was abusing her for longer than that. this was a man that went to my church and was friends with my parents and no one ever suspected. I had another good friend who was molested by her step brother who was 10 years older than she was, a young man that her mom thought she could trust to be alone in the house with her daughter. all that to say it can happen to anyone and as a parent I am going to do everything in my power to ensure this does not happen to my children.
my suggestion would be to talk to your friend about your fears. Of course don't come across like you are blaming her son, I don't believe that was your intention in the first place. first explain to her why you are coming to her with this and ask her to keep a close eye on your girls. Then trust that she is doing so. Worrying is not going to help.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Can I ask a very, very ignorant question? I have little knowledge of these situations so please correct me.

Is the 15 year-old (if for some reason he is "bad") *really* going to molest these children in the 2 minutes the babysitter is in the bathroom? I realize anything is possible, but that's really the time we're talking about.

Leaving out the 15-year-old, I do think it's reasonable to let the mom know not to leave the kiddos alone. She will either already know or be insulted...I don't know how you handle that one.

[YayJennie]

What makes you think that a 15 year old boy is any more likely of molesting your girls than a 30 year old mother? If you have no reason to believe the teenager is of harm, then there is no reason for him to not be allowed to be alone with your girls. Boys aren't the only ones who molest little girls, and if you're looking out for the safety of your children it's important to be aware of that.

I understand your paranoia, and don't blame you for wanting to keep your girls safe. However, if this is a typical (no reason to think he's dangerous) 15 year old, and you trust your friend and her mothering skills and trust her keeping your girls safe, then you need to do just that. Trust her. If she trusts her son alone with your girls, then you need to trust that your girls are safe with her son. And if you don't, then you don't trust her, and she's not a good babysitter for you. Period. I would never request that a friend's child not be alone with my child, unless there were some legitimate reason to do so. And the fact that he's a 15 year old male is absolutely NOT a legitimate reason to keep him away from your kids.

EDIT: I'm not flaming and don't think you're wrong to want to keep your girls safe. And maybe I misread...do you not want the son alone with your kids because you don't know him well enough or just because he's a 15 year old boy? If it was a 15 year old daughter would you feel differently?

[chel]

could you have this take place when the boy is in school?

to be honest. i don't see how you, the op, could feel comfortable with the boy in the house at all. there will be times when your friend will need to turn her back on one dc to help the other (potty time, etc) which will make your other dc "alone" enough that harm could happen.

[Mommyintraining2]

Some very nice responses from different viewpoints! Thanks!

Yes, I know I tend to be paranoid when it comes to my childrens' safety. And yes, I'm sure I could benefit from a visit to a therapist (and I just might when I can save up a little bit to pay for it).

I trust my friend because she has worked with my kids for several years (autistic son). I have several people that I feel have proven trustworthy over a period of time that I feel safe leaving my little ones with. I know their values and have had opportunities to get to know them intimately.

But I have not been around her son more than a handful of times. I am not singling him out because he is a 15 year old male. I feel that I need to know very well ANYONE who is alone with my children. I simply mentioned the specifics about him being 15 and a male to clarify the details of my story.

I am not talking about leaving them alone with her son (or anyone else) for more than two minutes to go to the bathroom. That would seem a little ridiculous to ask him to leave the house for that. Actually, I welcome him playing with the girls and spending time with them. I simply want to know that she is there to supervise.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Mommyintraining2

Some very nice responses from different viewpoints! Thanks!

Yes, I know I tend to be paranoid when it comes to my childrens' safety. And yes, I'm sure I could benefit from a visit to a therapist (and I just might when I can save up a little bit to pay for it).

I trust my friend because she has worked with my kids for several years (autistic son). I have several people that I feel have proven trustworthy over a period of time that I feel safe leaving my little ones with. I know their values and have had opportunities to get to know them intimately.

But I have not been around her son more than a handful of times. I am not singling him out because he is a 15 year old male. I feel that I need to know very well ANYONE who is alone with my children. I simply mentioned the specifics about him being 15 and a male to clarify the details of my story.

I am not talking about leaving them alone with her son (or anyone else) for more than two minutes to go to the bathroom. That would seem a little ridiculous to ask him to leave the house for that. Actually, I welcome him playing with the girls and spending time with them. I simply want to know that she is there to supervise.

Then make it more about his age... I'd ask her to always be present because you don't feel comfortable having another child in charge of them, even if he is almost grown, until you know him better.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Why don't you go to her house for an afternoon with the girls, and supervise him playing with the girls yourself?

I mean, for all you know, he might not be interested in playing with the girls, and very well could stay in his room all day watching tv or playing video games. (I only mention this as a possibility b/c thats what my brothers would have done at that age, if there were 2 toddlers in the house - they simply weren't interested in little kids AT ALL)

[dalia]

I totally get what you are saying and honestly don't know why everyone is getting all bent outta shape. it seems to me that your gut feeling is that nothing bad is gonna happen to your children, but you just want to know that they will be supervised by your friend at all times so that you feel more secure. I am like this as well, perhaps because I have some things in my past as well that I won't go into detail about here. it's like I know that nothing bad is gonna happen, but I've got to feel like I did everything I could "just in case". this is a tough thing to understand for those who haven't had any experience with this.

you don't have to say to your friend, "btw can you make sure your son doesn't molest my kids?", but you can ask her to please make sure she is the one supervising at all times, and mention that you would love her son to play with them but you don't want him to be the one responsible should some emergency happen. I don't think she will be offended.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by thyra

I mean, for all you know, he might not be interested in playing with the girls, and very well could stay in his room all day watching tv or playing video games. (I only mention this as a possibility b/c thats what my brothers would have done at that age, if there were 2 toddlers in the house - they simply weren't interested in little kids AT ALL)

This was my thought.. most 15 year old boys stay far away from babies/toddlers. :

[Mommyintraining2]

Originally Posted by dalia

I totally get what you are saying and honestly don't know why everyone is getting all bent outta shape. it seems to me that your gut feeling is that nothing bad is gonna happen to your children, but you just want to know that they will be supervised by your friend at all times so that you feel more secure. I am like this as well, perhaps because I have some things in my past as well that I won't go into detail about here. it's like I know that nothing bad is gonna happen, but I've got to feel like I did everything I could "just in case". this is a tough thing to understand for those who haven't had any experience with this.

you don't have to say to your friend, "btw can you make sure your son doesn't molest my kids?", but you can ask her to please make sure she is the one supervising at all times, and mention that you would love her son to play with them but you don't want him to be the one responsible should some emergency happen. I don't think she will be offended.

This is very nice. I do appreciate your empathy!