I can make it through another day without losing my mind....right???

[waiting2bemommy]

deep breath....I can make it through another day with these kids, another week, another 18 years.....

I will not yell, scream, spank, ignore or otherwise traumatize my two innocent children who did not ask to be born and certainly did not ask to have a mother so f-ed up in the head that she can't put them both to bed without having a breakdown.

I got so ridiculously frustrated with dd last night when she wouldn't go to bed...she just kep screaming and screaming, probably because I was scaring her, and finally I carried her out under my arm and all bu threw her on the couch fully prepared to just let her scream til kingdom come. Luckily my SO came out of the room hearing all the crying and took over for me while I sat on the couch feeling like a miserable excuse for a mother.

this is NOT me. I do NOT like who I am. I am SO tired of battling myself just to get out of the bed, to make it through the next five minutes without crying, to control myself and hold in all the rage I feel that I know is just in my head because the situation doesn't warrant it. I've been trying for a MONTH to get an appt for meds and they finally made me one....and it's not til next thursday. and then who is to say they will even help?

to make matters worse I am starting a new job today. SO asked if I wanted to forget about the job, he has tried everything he knows how to help me, taking on all the responsibilities of the kids so there isn't much for me to do. He has tried staying home with me so I'm not alone, he has tried to help me socialize with friends (I got drunk and then came home and went to bed, I wasn't in a rage that night though). I realize the problem is bigger than what he or I can handle. I keep telling people including my therapist i'm going to snap one day so don't say I didn't warn you.

The problem is that I keep on keeping it together because I want to shield my kids as much as possible, but it's getting really hard to keep up the facade of normal mommy when every five minutes I'm either screaming obscenities at the dog, or i'm in the bathroom crying. And now I have to go to work tonight....still haven't pumped, and dd CAN"T take formula so I have to do it.

I jsut want to go to bed and pretend I don't have kids. Just until I feel better. please somebody tell me you have been here and it gets better. Otherwise why keep on going?

[Canadianne]

s mama.

I don't have any advice for you but I can offer some company. I was up last night with my son and I think I did more crying than he did. Some nights it just seems so overwhelmingly hard and I want to just hand the baby over to my DH so that I can get out of the house by myself (sadly this doesn't work well when you are EBF and your son is in a growth spurt).

I'm only a month into this life so I don't know a timeframe for when it gets better...I'm just really trusting that it will.

[Youngfrankenstein]

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!

You are being heard here, mama! They are impossible little ones when they are grumpy. We *know* they can't help it but it doesn't make us feel better. I had to a make an effort and sit down with the baby when she was happy and playful. I was trying to "get things done" during this time to then the majority of my interaction with her was when she was crying, poopy, or hungry!

I am sure you feels tons of pressure with the new job and you are just overwhelmed. It is totally normal. As much as it goes against your "schedule" sit down and enjoy the happy times.

[Maine Mama]

I just want to say that you are not alone. Your description so perfectly describes me when DS was born, and now I'm noticing the same feelings prior to the birth of DS#2.
It seems to come in waves and is nearly impossible to deal with. In fact, I can't even say that I deal with it. I get very angry/frustrated, and eventually it sort of melts into the background. I function normally for a bit and then it surfaces again.
Part of me feels like I'll deal with this forever, but a bigger part of me knows tha something is off hormonally and that this won't last.
I know that the most helpful thing for me is to talk to another woman. Just to explain my frustration. It's the simplest thing (and not easy to come by as a SAHM), but it does curb the actions and feelings and helps me get through another day.
If you ever need someone to vent to, definitely send me a message. I know what you mean when you say that this is NOT you. And it isn't you. But sometimes the momentum of the feelings makes it so hard to feel like you'll ever come out from under it.
I'm here for you. And you're definitely not alone.

[waiting2bemommy]

thank you all for the validation of how I'm feeling. that helps sooo much.

I was always the mom, with ds, who loved every moment of parenthood, even the poopy diapers, and rarely got frazzled (at least not to the "I want to throw the baby our the window" point) now I am "that" mom who does nothing but yell at the kids to get out of my hair.

glad to know I'm not alone. I just wish it would get better NOW. Sometimes it feels like too much effort to keep going through the motions of life.

[applecider]

mama. I so know what you are feeling right now. I agree with what Maine Mama said. I don't know what else to say, because nothing I say can make it better. I do know that I tend to feel better when taking supplements (multi-vit, vit d, fish oil, and now am taking 5htp) and when I get OUT of the house. For whatever...a drive, visit with someone, get take out. Anything. And realize that if I made it through the day I am doing good.

[applecider]

Oh and I know that I try SO hard to not think about the future. Just take it one day at a time, they will constantly be changing and so will you so things will not always be exactly as they are now. I know that doesn't really help much but...

[Momma Moo Martin]

I could have written your post. I just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone. I hope we are both feeling better soon.

[EviesMom]

It is hard, but it will get better. I promise. I've been there, and I've made it out!

[azgirl]

Hugs, mama! It sounds like you are in a really hard place.

I absolutely needed meds and they kicked in at around two weeks, I felt much much better at 6 weeks and I felt really good and happy at 6 months. Good luck there!!

Also, if you need to do something right away, these are the things I was "prescribed" by my psych and stuff I researched. I was able to wean off meds after about 8 months but I continue the other stuff:

800mgs day from fish oil, I use Nordic Naturals EPA. This takes a while to "work" but it may feel good to start now!
5000mg D3 a day.
200-600 mgs a day of magnesium citrate, I use Solger brand.
Intense exercise. That's the biggie. Put that babe in a sling and take long brisk walks OR better yet, have DH watch the kiddos while you work out. Unfortunately, when you are down the last thing you want to do is exercise. Really try to do it, you will feel a little better right away and a lot better soon. If you can get to a gym, walk on the treadmill on a high incline at a good pace. Increase your incline or speed every few minutes until you are huffing. I don't run, too easy to injure or overdue it. If you are a runner, work back up to it. After I recovered from PPD I read a book about exercise and the brain (Spark) and it addressed PPD specifically. Exercise helped balance the brain chemicals that go awry in PPD. Yup, your PPD is party chemical and NOT YOUR FAULT.

Remember, I am not talking about "relaxing" exercise. Yoga is awesome and if you like it, do it too. I couldn't do yoga while I had PPD because calm moments gave me too much time to focus on negative thoughts. I could not control them.

It's hard not to feel guilty because guilt can be such an integral part of PPD. You are doing the best you can. When you feel any negative thoughts bubble up try your best to talk back to them. It sounds silly, but it is key.

What are you working on with your therapist? I sought out a cognitive behavioral therapist and she made a huge amount of difference.


I hope you feel better soon!

[azgirl]

Originally Posted by Momma Moo Martin

I could have written your post. I just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone. I hope we are both feeling better soon.

Me too