"So is she in her crib yet?" and other questions....

[LZP]

How do I respond? MIL asks me this, or some variation of it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we see her. Every time. Generally, I just say, "nope!" and then she proceeds to tell me how we should really get her into her own crib, she'll never learn to sleep on her own, she's getting too old, etc. (DD is only 3MO!)
I respond with, "well, it's working for us." or, "she's too little to be all alone." or, "as long as she's eating at night, she's in our room."

But, I'm sick of even dignifying this rude question with an answer anymore. I asked DH to respond with, "why do you care so much?" (bc he's the only one who could give her this attitude!) or some variation, but he won't!!!!!! I think if we just ask her why she is so concerned, maybe she can see that it's an inappropriate question, the answer to which has NO bearing on her life at all.

So, how can I respond to this without being "mean" or "rude?" I want to just say, "It's none of your business." but I dont think that would go over well.

eta: I've asked DH to stop discussing it with his parents, but just this past weekend he was telling them that she sleeps (gasp! )in our bed. She has been since the beginning, but we were telling them she was in the co-sleeper which they seemed to think was a little less objectionable. Now they are really determined to tell us all the terrible "risks" of it too....

[moondiapers]

Could you pull her aside and gently ask her if she'd want to discuss the sleeping arrangements in HER marital bed?

[Evergreen]

I used to say things like, "No, isn't' that great!!!" just to shut them up.

It sounds like you might need to go to the, "This works for us and the matter isn't up for discussion," approach.

[oaktreemama]

Eh once or twice I would be polite and say what you are saying-"it is working for us" or "we are happy with how things are going."

BUT, when it is time after time after time I respond kind of the way I do to my toddler. "I have decided that this is the best way for us and I am not going to discuss it anymore."

Say it with a smile, but say it with meaning. I tend to believe if you don't nip an overbearing MIL in the bud, the "suggestions" will only get worse as your baby gets older.

[CBEmomma]

I would just say "you know what, it's working for us and this is what we like. When the time comes to put her in her own room we'll let you know".

I use to get questions like that, and I didn't feel the need to say why we co-slept, especially past 1 year. But finally after the millionth time being asked I finally said, well yelled "no, he's not. He has seizures in the middle of the night and doesn't want to sleep alone. He has been in his own bed but during a seizure he fell off and got stuck inbetween the wall and bed. It was traumatic and horrible for him and he feels safer with us and so do I. When he feels it's best for him to be in his bed he'll be there". My oldest is only 3, so I don't see the rush in getting him to his own bed. He's already really independant, so that's not an issue.

[P.J.]

My MIL says the same thing. All.The.Time.
Otherwise she's pretty open and on board for our style pf parenting. She takes care of DS sometimes and she's really good with him. But unfortunately it means she's involved and does see when he has sleep issues. Otherwise I would avoid the topic altogether. Just the other day I was getting pretty upset about recent sleep issues we're having and we actually are considering getting him a crib...for naps only....and MIL was overjoyed. When I told her the baby will still be sleeping with us at night, she asked how long. I told her the truth: probably around 2 years or more. She was like: "TWO YEARS!!!!!!????" As if I had just told her we were going to remove his eyeballs just for fun or something.

I have also asked DH to stand up more for us since it's his mom (and his sister, who also questions some things we do), and he only does so a little bit. Honestly, I have learned in this short time of being a mother to set firmer limits with my in laws (as well as my own family, and coworkers, etc). While I get why you want and need your partner's support here, I think it's also very important that you stand up for yourself and your parenting. Yes, it could create some awkward moments, but perhaps she'll get the point and leave you alone. The only other option, as far as I can see, is to really avoid the topic of sleep altogether ~as I do with my dad's wife, who thinks we should use CIO.

But yeah, I totally know this story, and it sure is annoying.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by LZP

How do I respond? MIL asks me this, or some variation of it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we see her. Every time. Generally, I just say, "nope!" and then she proceeds to tell me how we should really get her into her own crib, she'll never learn to sleep on her own, she's getting too old, etc.

Smile and gush about how much you love having her in the bed and how great she sleeps and how fantastic it is. Be REALLY enthusiastic. If she says "she'll never learn to sleep on her own" just respond with "I hear they used to say that, but it turns out that's just a myth! Thank god, because we LOVE having her in the bed, it's working out so great!"

Also mention that it decreases the risk of SIDS to have her next to you while she's sleeping, helping to regulate her breathing.

Over-enthusiasm is the only thing that works for me if I'm not willing to be very blunt with someone (as in, "don't worry mom, I've got this under control. But next time you have a baby, you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT with it.").

[LZP]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Could you pull her aside and gently ask her if she'd want to discuss the sleeping arrangements in HER marital bed?

this is funny. especially since when DH was growing up, he and his brothers weren't even allowed to go into their parents' ROOM most of the time! Very very conservative in some ways.

they are also already asking when we're going to start giving her solids and "joking" about giving her chinese food when they babysit. HILARIOUS. I guess this swill I call breastmilk is just not adequate nutrition after a few months. (but that's another thread....!)


the suggestions about over-enthusiasm are great. We really do all sleep so much better, and even when we tell them that, it's as though it doesnt matter.

My problem is wanting them to understand and maybe even get them to come around to agreeing; trying to defend my choices as a parent instead of just letting the ILs know that their opinions arent a necessary contribution to my parenting. I feel this need to get them to appreciate that what we do is based on our intuition AND historical data instead of just being comfortable with their disagreement.

the thing is, they constantly comment on how content she is, how confident and secure she seems,how happy she is all the time. I want to say, "it's bc she sleeps with us; she knows her place in the world!" but dont want to go into the whole theory behind it in order to remove the "our DIL has turned into an alien in front of our very eyes" look off of their faces.

SIDS risk reduction- i will definitely mention this!!!

[SilverFish]

tell your DH to knock it off, and start lying. "yep" works well.

if she was interested in hearing about what you do, or respectful of your choices, it would be one thing, but she's clearly not, so just tell her what she wants to hear and move on. and seriously, tell your DH that sharing those details with his mom is currently off limits since she's driving you crazy. i know it's tempting to share information about their grand-daughter with your parents , but i learned my lesson the hard way when i accidently told mine that we had delayed vaxing. i thought perhaps we could have a civil convo and move on, but no, i had to hear about it every time we saw them for the next few weeks until i wised up and lied to them about it... told them we'd taken her in and were following the schedule at our ped's.

[Asiago]

One of my family members repeatedly asks the same question (along with 'are you STILL breastfeeding him', 'carrying him so much'......).
She raised her children in the Dr. Luther Emmett Holt era, which advised parents to force babies and children to be 'independent' and to separate mother from child as much as possible.

[Catubodua]

"isn't it interesting on how the norms for parenting have changed since you raised your family?"

"you raised your family the way you thought was best, we're raising our children the way we think is best"

[marinak1977]

I'd just say - "Nope, and I love all the extra sleep and the snuggles I get. Please pass the bean dip."

[akind1]

At 3 months, DS was still in his co-sleeper most of the time - especially at that age, why rush moving him to his own space? (or in your case, her to hers)

When people bring this up, especially the, "you know, everyone has to suck it up and just let them cry it out at some point" I just say that IF there is a way that is gentler and doesn't involve pain/tears, and achieves the same results, that is the way I want to go. This is for sleep, for discipline, everything.

I get wanting to convince them, some are not easily convinced. It is worth a shot though?

OT: I dread every fall now, I get asked about whether/when we are getting flu shots. of all the shots! short answer: NO!

But as to what to say to the IL's more of what you are saying. This works for us. If you wonder why it works, or what we are doing, I will joyfully discuss it. But we aren't open to discuss changing what we are doing. It works.

[GoBecGo]

It depends how nice you want to be.

To avoid discussion lie and say "yes she's in there now" and change the subject.

To avoid future discussion roll your eyes and stay "are you STILL harping on about that!? NO we're NOT using the crib, we will NOT be using it soon, we are NOT YOU" that might also drive a big wedge where you don't want one though.

To make your point clear print out some good articles on it and say "oh yes, i knew you'd ask, i brought you these. Maybe we can talk next time when we're on the same page."

My MIL recommended jam on the dummy last time i saw her. I smiled sweetly and thought of the GA for dental surgery DH had twice before his 4th birthday and didn't say a word.

[heathenmom]

My DAD used to ask me this all. the. time. I finally snapped and asked when it became ANYBODY else's business where anybody in my family slept. He quit asking after that.

Oh, and I'm SUPER non-confrontational, too. I was just fed up.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by LZP

My problem is wanting them to understand and maybe even get them to come around to agreeing; trying to defend my choices as a parent instead of just letting the ILs know that their opinions arent a necessary contribution to my parenting. I feel this need to get them to appreciate that what we do is based on our intuition AND historical data instead of just being comfortable with their disagreement.

I see what you mean.


Print this out for her:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t071000.asp

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp

and be willing to sit down and talk to her calmly about it. But be sure, when talking, to gently remind her that you are the mother of your baby, and you will decide what is best for the baby (in softer terms than that, if needed).

[Dandelionkid]

Answer her questions with a question, to the death of the questions.

"when does she get her own bed?"

"You think she needs her own bed?"

"Yes, she really needs to be in her own bed"

"Why do you think that?"

"She'll never learn to sleep on her own"

"What makes you say that?"

Let her do all the work of explaining and reasoning- that way you don't have to defend your choices.

[St. Margaret]

I'd give up on trying to convince them, unless the really seem like they'd come around. I might toss out the research and all that once, but mostly it's time to set limits. I tend to go with, "We don't believe in that" because it's tied to our values and our research, and tends to shut people down (how can they argue with that?) without being snarky.

[southernmommie]

Sounds like you've told her already that you don't do the crib. Just keep reiterating that you don't use the crib this young or that she's not old enough to sleep on her own yet and that is what is done in your house. Then when she keeps asking you keep telling her the same exact thing. Eventually she'll get tired of hearing the same exact response like a broken record. I also agree with giving her the printout on those links above. Or just come right out and ask her to stop asking you about the crib.

[foodymama]

LZP I can totally relate. Sleeping in the crib was the biggie and is she still breastfeeding a close second. I got that from friends as well as family members. Some of those so called friends are no longer friends because I couldn't deal with there judgmental attitude anymore. As for family, we have a very close large family and I have repeated myself many times saying she likes sleeping with us and she will bf until she doesn't want to anymore. And after two years I still get disapproving looks about nursing at family get togethers but mostly the constant questions have stopped.

And I'm not sure why peple can't make the behavior connection between an attached child and their actions but it doesn't seem to happen. Create a canned response and just use it with no emotion toward your MIL and it will eventually stop when they realize you're not going to change your parenting style. Even if it takes two years. Hang in there!