Taking Step One

[phathui5]

Dh and I have been talking about looking into getting licensed to foster-adopt.

Today I took the step of calling local child services. They are sending us out a pre-application and we are registered to attend an Information Night at the library on November 4th.

This is something that we've talked about for years and never done anything about. It's always been "Maybe one day, we'll..." Dh said that he doesn't know if he's ready, but now he's willing to look into it.

[WifeMomChiro]

That's great. We are in the (long) phase of gathering information about adoption.

[Polliwog]

Congratulations. I've been fostering for four years and will be adopting my second child in a few weeks. It's definitely a bittersweet journey but I'm so glad that I'm doing it.

[queenjane]

Good luck on your journey! My biggest regret is not doing it earlier. I've been foster licensed for less than three years, and have adopted one child, and in the process of adopting two more.

[Tjej]

My DH also just agreed to look into foster care right now, so I called our local social services and they're sending an information packet and then said we would do an "intake" on the phone with them if we were still interested after we read the info. I'm tenatively excited - DH hasn't said he's ready yet, but he's willing to consider it and really look into what it would mean, so it's a big step for us too.

Our papers mailed last Friday so we should get them any day!

Tjej

[Drummer's Wife]

So exciting!! Our next foster/adopt orientation is Nov. 3rd, and I really want to attend... But, things have been hectic lately with the kids and my school, so I've decided to wait until January. I was close to being where you are, though. Hope you get a lot of information and can start the application process asap.

[tumblewieds]

Congrats! Taking the first step is a big deal. We finally started the process in September, after talking about it for eight years We should be verified and licensed by December 15, and I am ready for our first placement. We will be fostering ages 0-3, and perhaps willing to take siblings in that age group.

[phathui5]

Dh and I went to the Info Night meeting last night. It was only about an hour. We got to talk to the people who work with the "Homefinder" unit and ask them questions. We gave them our "pre-application" to process and now we're waiting to hear back from them as to if we're eligible to take the 11-week class series.

[marsupial-mom]

I have no idea what your training will be like but I thought our training was incredibly valuable. If I could, I'd make everyone take that training regardless of whether they planned to foster, adopt, teach, parent, mentor, etc. Good luck, I hope you are accepted!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I have no idea what your training will be like but I thought our training was incredibly valuable. If I could, I'd make everyone take that training regardless of whether they planned to foster, adopt, teach, parent, mentor, etc. Good luck, I hope you are accepted!

In NJ, the training is exactly the same whether you are fostering or adopting. You're all in the same class. The rules are the same (although some of it may not apply to adopting--very little falls under that category) and the children face the same issues. We also had caseworkers in our class (I think more so they knew what new foster or adoptive parents were told).

As a former teacher, yeah--I wish teachers had that training.

Regardless, many states don't do a great job of covering the process and legalities of the kids situations... which can be misleading and discouraging for people who are way more interested in adopting as an end-goal than fostering.

[tumblewieds]

We just finished all our classes yesterday.

That's a nice load off! We've been working on this since June, but didn't start classes until September, as I had a surprise trip to Tanzania come up. It was a lot of paper gathering, and a lot of time, but I feel like the training was very valuable and worthwhile.

[Polliwog]

I didn't think my MAPP classes were all that great. I learned more from other foster parents (IRL and online.) And at our state's annual Foster and Adoptive Parent conference.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I didn't think my MAPP classes were all that great. I learned more from other foster parents (IRL and online.) And at our state's annual Foster and Adoptive Parent conference.

We had PRIDE classes and on one hand, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. The stuff they taught us was the tip of the iceberg of the difficult stuff and there was so much more they didn't even touch.

On the other hand, I DO kind of feel that if you can get through the stuff they covered and still want to foster, you're probably committed to it. We went in to foster or adopt--we didn't care how the cases turned out. I don't know if it's as good of a prep for the people who just want to adopt. I guess it depends on how realistic they present the adoptive scenario/process. You KNOW I have been holding my tongue on this thread as "fost/adopt" is my monumental pet peeve. (OP: not the people who want to do it--my peeve is with how it is usually presented to families)

[phathui5]

(OP: not the people who want to do it--my peeve is with how it is usually presented to families)

Can you tell me more about that?

The way it's being presented to us at this point is that they would much rather have us do foster care than look into adoption. I think maybe they think that we want to adopt babies (which we don't).

[faithsstuff]

We are set to go to foster/adoption orientation on the 17th and can't wait.  We want to find out specifically about foster-to-adopt.  I can't believe I'm so nervous, we knew we wanted to adopt before we were even married.  Maybe some of us can wade through this process together.

[Drummer's Wife]

Here, the only way to adopt an under 5 year old (unless you go private or out-of-state/international), is through the foster-to-adopt program.  People who are interested in only fostering, still go through the same PRIDE classes; they just let their social worker know they are only wanting to foster - and supposedly, children are placed accordingly (not that you can predict with much certainty how their cases will go). 

Anyhow, I hope you like your classes, pathui5, and the application process goes smoothly. 

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by phathui5 

(OP: not the people who want to do it--my peeve is with how it is usually presented to families)

Can you tell me more about that?

The way it's being presented to us at this point is that they would much rather have us do foster care than look into adoption. I think maybe they think that we want to adopt babies (which we don't).

I just find that there are a LOT of places that will tell families that the only way to adopt is to foster.  Admittedly, that may truly be the only way to wind up in an adoptive situation in that state.  But then, they will often skew the numbers to look like more than half the kids are adopted by their foster families; or if they know that the family's motive is truly adoption and they are only fostering because it's the only route to adoption, they'll make the cases sound like they're "definitely going adoptive" to get the family to foster the children.  And really, sometimes the caseworkers actually believe that those kids WON'T go home or to family, but 1) that's just irresponsible because you seriously never know, and 2) sometimes they know there's a good chance the parents could get it together and are lying because they have no other place to put the kids and they think you won't take them unless you think they'll go adoptive (which is infuriating if you're one of those families that really doesn't care and are happy to just foster).  

And then there are families that are given a false sense of adoptive hope by being told that the child's case has "concurrent planning"--a situation where they work plan A and plan B at the same time so that if plan A (reunification with parents) fails, they are already knee deep into the process around plan B (adoption by the foster family--which requires a 6mo live-in requirement by Federal law).  Well, duh--most states now require that ALL cases have concurrent planning and 99% of the time the plan B is "adoption by current foster family".  But these families think that it's a special thing that they are the backup plan.  They're led to believe that it's a special and hopeful thing.  I wanted to spit when I saw this happen in my state where concurrent planning is required on every case.  It's a "concurrent planning" state.

Now, this peeve is compounded by the fact that in my former state (NJ) you could license to ONLY adopt (through the state) and have children placed with you from the adoptive unit where the children's goal is adoption.  Many of them have already had parental rights terminated, but the rest had TPR papers filed and pending.  But they generally don't tell new resource parents that.  They funnel them into foster care because they desperately need foster homes.

The end result is the same: kids are placed into foster care homes with families that really don't want to do foster care--they want to adopt.  And they truly are two different things.  Foster parents know they have a limited amount of time to get that child on their feet and help them process what's going on--and they're going to approach that a little differently if those kids are likely going back to their families vs. staying with you--where they have all the time in the world to deal with stuff in an environment you already know.  You love them all the same, but the mental stresses around waiting out a goal change when you're desperate to adopt is a stressor on top of the existing roller coaster you're already on with foster care.  Then the kids go home, sometimes very suddenly if the state knows that you really wanted to adopt and were misled in the case and will be heartbroken.  The family feels "robbed" and let down when in reality, the goal for the children was always reunification.  Many of them have this happen 1, 2, possibly 3 times and close their homes.

It's just not always explained or handled properly.  I would just say to you that if your goal is to adopt, please don't consider yourself in an adoptive situation until the goal is changed to "adoption by (you/current foster family)".  And don't take anyone's insights on how likely it is to go adoptive.  There are countless foster parents who, with their own experiences and insights, have seen cases that look truly hopeless have a parent finally be moved to get it together.  You have no idea what's going to motivate someone and when.  It happens.

And at your training, ask if your state has a separate division that handles children whose goal is adoption.  Kids who have already had their parents rights terminated but are not yet adopted.  Who handles those cases?  And ALWAYS ask what the case goal is.  Most of the workers we dealt with would tell you the case goal and their take on how likely it would be to happen.  I actually can't recall a case where they didn't immediately follow the case goal with their prediction.  And even the most seasoned ones can be wrong.  We tend to ignore their pitch on the likelihood.  We've seen more than one "they're never going home" result in reunification (which was fine by us--some of those kids didn't even match our adoptive profile).

That being said, there are plenty of kids out there waiting for and in need of homes.  There are absolutely children who can come into your home and never leave.  It's just a matter of the roller coaster along the way and being able to properly manage expectations.  It's the expectation management where I feel like they fall short.

Hopefully, you will be in and amongst those where these issues are the exception as opposed to the rule.  Those places exist.  And you might find (like we did) that you truly enjoy fostering. It was a big surprise to us!

[phathui5]

Thank you so much heatherdeg!

[phathui5]

I did get a call from the "Homefinder" lady last week. She asked some questions and told me that the classes would be in January, but that they weren't scheduled yet.