New to Forum & in an impossible situation, need advice! :)

[missy_RN]

Hi everyone! I am new to This site & to posting in a forum period, but I am in an impossible situation with no solution in sight & from the sounds of some of the other threads some of you may understand & may have some insight.

My STBX & I have been married for 6 years (as of Saturday, no less) and together 8. We have had problems since we were married and have tried numerous times to work it out, even 1 session of counseling to which after a screaming match when we got home he declared that he would never return to since *HE* doesn't have a problem. After another issue in 2007, I decided it was time to find a way to leave. I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage, & with the part-time job I had, there was no way to support us. My only option at that time was my education.

In 2009 I got accepted and began nursing school. The first year was excrutiating!! Not only were the clases & clinicals hard, but the constant fighting at home made it near impossible. The night before EVERY test, or everytime he knew I had to get up early, he started a fight! Mainly about how I wasn't paying enough attention to him. ( I can't even go into the thought process I had behind that!!). Sleep was minimal due to the amout of work that goes into nursing school, but he made it so sleep was just a luxury on nights he had to work late. But, even through all that, I made it through that 1st year, though I still have no idea how! But I still had one more year if I wanted to successfully move my son & I out.

I had one month of freedom this summer, with exception of the part time job I held all through the 1st year. I'd had planned to spend as much as I could with my son, catching up with friends & family I'd lost touch with, & just enjoying my free time. But of course STBX had other plans. I got a letter from him 2 days before I was supposed to leave for a week to visit my best friend of 20 years in Washington. (Letters from him weren't new, I ususally got them when I'd done something wrong or exhibited a behavior he decided I should fix.) This one was similar in many ways to all the others, but the only difference was he had decided the marriage was over. I wasn't paying any attention to him & the what not. But he would continue to support me through my last year of school because he would feel guilty if he didn't.

I went on my trip, we talked when I got home, & we left it as everything would remain the same until I graduated. Then, he took the money. I had been paying the bills for our entire marriage to make sure everything got paid because he tended to neglect bills for fun weekends. But he decided that he wanted control. He couldn't control me anymore, but he could control whether my son & I had food. I think this was an attempt to get me to beg his forgiveness, but I just couldn't anymore.

We are now still living together, still sleeping in the same bed, & my mother is giving me cash to hid food in the trunk of my car for my son. I am so depressed & uncomfortable in this place that sleep is almost non-existant. My grades have started to slip, as have my son's. My son is also calling me from school alot to try & come home. He has become quite & won't leave my side. DS talks alot about when we get to move out & wonders where we'll go.

WOW! I am sorry I prattled on so long!! I guess my point is, I don't know what to do. It is time, not only for my own welfare, but mostly for my son's, that we move out but I don't know how to. I don't make much from my part-time job, & STBX & I have some debt that I know I could not afford my half of. Also don't think we could afford a divorce or the after effects of splitting combined bills like cell phone or car insurance. I am at a loss.......I failed my midterm yesterday & that is what made me look hard at this situation & realize how much it is not working.

Any advice would be such a help.

[Annie Mac]

What exactly is this man providing for you that you couldn't leave right now? Is there somewhere else you could go? Your mom's maybe? As for tuition, talk to your school's financial aid office. There are often little-advertised financial support options in situations such as yours, especially if, up to this point, you've been a good student.

[pregnant@40]

God, I usually don't advise people to leave, but in your situation I would. Your husband is an absolute child. And your real child does not feel safe for either you, himself, or both. Your husband is neither supportive nor emotionally present. Controlling the finances like that indicates an abusive personality, and it could only get worse.

Could you move in w/ your parents & then take the maximum amt in student loans? Then you would not have to depend on that man for anything. Those in nursing school get a lot more aid than most students, and there are great programs to get loans "forgiven" once you start working (luckily, you're in a great field to support your kid as a single parent!). You could even pay back your parents for rent/expenses once financial aid goes through.

I would start by talking to both financial aid & the counseling center at your school. Unfortunately, taking a semester off school would disqualify you for aid, but maybe you could take a few easier classes in the next semester, even if it puts your program behind a year (ie. just keep taking classes to qualify for aid).

[NolaRiordan]

I would talk to a lawyer. You should be able to get a free or low cost consultation. Who owns the house? I would be tempted to file for divorce and ask for sole use of the property to force him out.

[pregnant@40]

Oh... and talk to your teacher asap about your failed midterm. If you feel comfortable, explain that you are having marital difficulties and filing for divorce. Explain that you cannot take a semester off for financial reasons (ie. you have a child to support, and need to finish nursing school). Ask for either a re-do or extra credit for additional points. Promise you are going to make it your focus to perform well on the final. Hopefully your instructor is sympathetic. It's worth a shot.

And then get the heck out of your house!

[Theia]

You could talk to your local Womens Domestic Violence shelter. They have many resources that may be available to you at low or no cost. I was once in a similar situation of leaving an abusive partner. It's scary and hard, but well worth the peace you get.

[missy_RN]

He pays for everything: rent, car payments, utilities, phone.....ect.

I spoke to the financial aid office in August, & unfortunatley I am maxed out on my loans. I would qualify for grants if we were divorced & they said they would recalculate it at that time but that opens the whole splitting of everything, losing health insurance and the lack of money to file for the divorce.

Also, the way this program is set up I can't take any time off & the classes are set so I can't limit that at all.

And to top it all off, neither of my parents have room nor are willing to let me move in.

I mailed in an application for assistance today, but I doubt I'll get it since we are still married.

I tend to be a little OCD with planning and making sure everything is set before I change things (you should have seen how long I researched cable & internet before switching companies!) But I am wondering if I should just jump and file for a self-divorce..............

[EnchantedMamma]

Withholding food IS abuse.

I would think a Women's Shelter might be able to point you toward a pro bono lawyer or other legal assistance to get a divorce.

Would you be comfortable contacting a church to ask for help/guidance? Not spiritual so much as practical (ie ideas for a place to live).

Cast your resource net as wide as you can! You need to get out ASAP!!!

PS - Don't set in your mind that you CAN'T do it, set in your mind and heart that you WILL. This will open up things in a way that being unsure and scared can't.

You don't have to know the how right now, just that you will Blessings!

[pregnant@40]

Yes, file for divorce. The main obvious reason is so that you & your son are out of that environment. Another reason is so that you can max out on aid AND keep it all for yourself & your son; your husband obviously has no right to that money. You'll lose your husband's health insurance, but you'll qualify for student insurance. Also, you may qualify for public assistance of some sort.

Have you maxed out on stafford and non-stafford loans? Could there be an emergency loan of some type? I would talk to the financial aid counselor again, just in case. Sometimes they do know of other avenues not readily offered. Also... you haven't yet received the full year's aid -- in January you will get a new dispersement, right? Open up your own bank account and send it there. Keep important papers somewhere else, like your parent's house or school locker.

Does your school have a women's or counseling center? Call asap. They may know of resources for students.

I agree w/ the women's shelter. It's unfortunate that your parents will give you secret food money, but not a place to live. But in the meantime, just find another alternative.

[lilyka]

Do not automatically assume you will get half the debt etc. He is not allowing you to have food. Is that correct? Um, time to get out. He is not paying for anything. he is covering his house. his utilities. his car.

what can you do? are there nursing programs elsewhere that would be cheaper? have better aid? Can you get a full time job? hang out with an associates degree working until things are more settled? Can you do your last year in school as a part time student?

[missy_RN]

Does your school have a women's or counseling center? Call asap. They may know of resources for students.

I didn't think about contacting student services @ my university. Thank you!! I'm going to call them tomorrow!

[vannienicole]

Also, if you are separated, you can usually get assistance. You don't have to be fully divorced. I've been separated since Jan 09 and have gotten assistance since Feb 09.

[missy_RN]

Originally Posted by lilyka

what can you do? are there nursing programs elsewhere that would be cheaper? have better aid? Can you get a full time job? hang out with an associates degree working until things are more settled? Can you do your last year in school as a part time student?

Unfortunately, where I am at in the program, if I switch to another school I would have to start all over. Also, the program is already set for the whole 2 years when we start so I can't cut down & they limit the number of hours we can work out side of school. At this time, I do have my Practical Nursing Diploma ( I am taking my licensing exam tomorrow ). I can work part time with that & am thinking about doing that, just worried about it taking too much away from my studying. I will have my associates degree next August. If all this had waited to happen until then, it wouldn't have been an issue, I could have just packed up & left. But I guess things don't always go as planned.

[missy_RN]

Originally Posted by vannienicole

Also, if you are separated, you can usually get assistance. You don't have to be fully divorced. I've been separated since Jan 09 and have gotten assistance since Feb 09.

It's good to hear you say that, I sent an application out today & I was wondering if it was even possible to get assistance without finalizing the divorce. I think it would be a huge help if I could just get assistance & move out. I know I would be able to relax more & be able to concentrate more on school & my son.

[vannienicole]

We are in month 11 of our divorce. If I had to wait til it was finalized, I'd be screwed .

[missy_RN]

Can I just say........the support & advice in this forum is amazing!! I started out today feeling very hopeless & depressed, but I am starting to feel a little better. I am still terrified that I won't be able to get out of this & my son & my education will suffer because of it. But it helps to hear from people who have been in somewhat of the same situation or near to it & have made it through.

Thank you!

[Latte Mama]

Forum crashing but I wanted to add my support. I'm an RN and just wanted to let you know that you CAN and WILL finish school mama.
I worked full time while going to nursing school and it was hard but doable. I also had an alcoholic husband at the time who was abusive. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through. But I did it and I remember lots of other students had jobs and kids too.

You can do it!

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by missy_RN

It's good to hear you say that, I sent an application out today & I was wondering if it was even possible to get assistance without finalizing the divorce. I think it would be a huge help if I could just get assistance & move out. I know I would be able to relax more & be able to concentrate more on school & my son.

Yeah, I went the day I filed. I literally stopped at my lawyers office and then the DSS. My kids were on medicaid within an hour.

[Aridel]

You can do this! Did student services help you out? If not, contact a local DV shelter. They don't just provide a place for people in need to stay, they have staff to help you work through this. Having to hide food for you and your son in your trunk is abuse. The rest of the times you are in school will be incredibly tough, but it will be worth it.

[smeep]

Okay, mama. I have to say that I'm all for leaving ASAP, if you can..everyone has already given you suggestions on that. However, I do know how you feel right now and why it seems like you may not have a choice but to stay if you want to keep a roof over your head.

So, that said... let's say that, theoretically, you HAD to stay...that there was no assistance, no nothing...would your parents at least keep your DS until you graduate? Or a good friend? Perhaps you could still have him on weekends, or go over there on weekends, but would they be willing to essentially keep a roof over his head in the meantime? I say this as an option to keep him away from this guy, to minimise any damage it's likely already doing to him. It's the worst thing in the entire world to EVER think about not having your child with you at all times, and I am NOT one to quickly suggest it at ALL, but it may be something to think about.

Are you still working the part time job? If so, can you squirrel away money from that? Or does your STBX keep a close eye on it?