How do I STOP being toxic AND/OR passive aggressive? How can I learn to be a nice person?

[Polishbabies]

A lof of posts on here deal with friendships and relationships that are toxic and how to deal with people like this, etc etc.

I am that person.

I am guilty of trying to manipulate people, guilty of passive aggressive behaviours. I can be very negative and talk about people behind their back.

However, I do have a few good friends who I truly believe I am a good friend to and I don't have these "negative" behaviours towards them.

My mom is the same way, I think I learned it from her but I want to unlearn it.

But how? I guess I can say I am me, but this is not how I want to be but its been hard for me to stop.

I don't need to be perfect but I just want to be overall nicer, and not so negative.

Where do I start?

[Naturopath Mom]

I do not have much to suggest, but I know counseling can always help but that is a given.

The flower essence Willow is helpful to people that have negative tendancies, act like the victim and blame everyone for their problems. They tend to feel like life has dealt them the bad hand and that they always have bad luck.

If you want to explain in further detail how you act I could give you a few more suggestions on the flower essences. Outside of that I am guessing it will take some good mind-over-matter to get past these thoughts/actions. I hope some other mothers have some more help for you!

[LROM]

Counseling is definitely a great first step.

In terms of a first step you can take yourself on your own, the best advice I've ever gotten about trying to change any form of behavior is to start with "noticing".

Notice which people you have your most negative behaviors towards. Notice what they do/say that triggers you, or is it their relationship to you... what triggers your negative behaviors? Notice which people you are nicest to - what are their personalities like? How do you feel with them? How do you feel with the ones you're not nice too?

Noticing these things and either writing them down or at least making mental notes of them will help you start to unravel why you feel the way you feel and act the way you do, which is useful in trying to change those 2 things. And noticing is good because it doesn't put any immediate pressure on you to change, you don't feel like you failed just because you were snappy to someone.

Realizing you have behaviors you want to change is a huge first step. Try to be kind to yourself on your journey to becoming the person you want to be, it's a hard journey but so so so worthwhile!

[IntuitiveJamie]

Recognizing that negative behaviors like that are simply a way of stealing other peoples energy/light/joy, whatever you want to call it. It's a way of being an energy vampire. Basically IMO instead of being connected to a Higher Source, people draw off of one another in the ways you described. It is a way of dis-empowering others to try to empower yourself. I recommend starting with trying to view life a little differently. What about realizing that there is enough happiness and love for everyone and that we all deserve to be empowered and use our gifts. That includes you! So focus on yourself and what your gifts are and letting them shine. When you do that, you will realize others have the right to do the same and you can encourage it. Not be afraid of it. The behaviors you describe are really a way of showing that you don't think the highest of yourself, therefore you need to try to pull others down to that level with you.

[Polishbabies]

IntuitiveJamie I think you hit it right... That is exactly me and you gave good advice on trying to change the way i think... I'm not considering counselling at this point so this is something I will work with...

I'm wondering if theres a book someone might recommend...

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie

Recognizing that negative behaviors like that are simply a way of stealing other peoples energy/light/joy, whatever you want to call it. It's a way of being an energy vampire. Basically IMO instead of being connected to a Higher Source, people draw off of one another in the ways you described. It is a way of dis-empowering others to try to empower yourself. I recommend starting with trying to view life a little differently. What about realizing that there is enough happiness and love for everyone and that we all deserve to be empowered and use our gifts. That includes you! So focus on yourself and what your gifts are and letting them shine. When you do that, you will realize others have the right to do the same and you can encourage it. Not be afraid of it. The behaviors you describe are really a way of showing that you don't think the highest of yourself, therefore you need to try to pull others down to that level with you.

ITA, that was so me. i don't have any advice but i totally get it. fwiw i have worked on myself a lot, but that natural tendency to be debbie downer is still there sometimes.

[mlec]

A book, yes! I'm reading it right now: Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff. I got it from the library....also avail new or used on Amazon.com.

[sunnysandiegan]

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay is a great DVD and it also comes in a book format.

[umami_mommy]

i had a really close friend who grew up in a really dysfunctional family. her mom has untreated mental illness and her dad is alcoholic. she is a really good person, but really struggles with healthy communication and intimate relationships. we lived together for something like 6 years. i learned over that period of time that while she didn't "mean" to be so negative, it was her "default" setting in close relationships to be passive-aggressive, talk behind my back, and not be honest to me about what was really happening with her. she did a ton of "splitting." meaning she went to people we were both friends with and lied to them about me... or just twisted something that did happen or that i said and make it into something really horrible. basically she went to people and told them what a terrible abusive person i was. she even suggested (behind my back) i was abusing my son by taking him to OT for his sensory disorder (because the *real* problem was *me* not his SPD). very crazy behavior for someone who said she loved my son and i. needless to say, it destroyed our relationship. 

anyway, the point here is, i think we all learn *how* to communicate at home as kids and if we learned an unhealthy or dysfunctional style of communicating, we need to work really hard to change that. i have found NVC to be the biggest help for changing my actual communication style. i have also found compassion meditation to help me most with getting past being angry at people. and i have found "the work" by byron katie to be the most help in accepting people as they are. 

good for you for knowing that you want to change. the biggest stumbling block to our own growth as a person is blaming others for our feelings and behavior. good luck!