OK, so reward charts aren't going to work with this child... other ideas?

[LynnS6]

We're trying to work with dd (6) about her tendency to whine/throw a fit every time she's asked to do one of her few responsibilities:

Homework (about 5 minutes worth, but it's been preceded by 30 minutes of whining)
Piano (see above)
Chores (15 minutes that we do as a family)

So, last week I broke down and made her a reward chart because we really just need to get her out of this rut. If she did each of her tasks without too whining, she's get a reward of her choosing (a trip to the children's museum). She had get 20 out of 21 squares filled in (and 4-5 are filled in automatically because she either doesn't have homework or because on Mondays we just don't have time for chores).

I don't really like reward charts that much, but they did work for teaching ds a few skills.

Well, on day 2 of the chart, dd took the chart and wrote across the top: I HATE CHORES (actually she wrote I HAT CHORES, but she is only 6!) So much for that strategy!

Other ideas?!

[Dar]

Well.... I tend to think things like reward "charts" are best used as short-term bridges to better behavior, so I think I would have set up something that would give her an immediate reward, not something weeks away. I might even use candy... or something else small and relatively cheap. I guess since Halloween is coming soon candy may not work all that well.

I would also tackle one skill at a time... homework *or* piano *or chores without whining.... pick the one that annoys you most, buy a small collection of rewards she likes, put them in a jar somewhere she can see them, and tell her that every time she does her piano practice without whining she can pick one. If she doesn't, well, tomorrow is another day.

She might benefit from some practice sessions, too, where the two of you act out the behavior you want to see. She can start by being you, even, and you can model the appropriate way and the inappropriate way to respond to her request to do something. The switch roles and give her a chance to try out both responses. It could be fun, even, if you guys like to ham it up. IME, sometimes it really helps kids in that sort of rut to kind of "memorize" the correct responses, like in a play.... until it gets to be natural.

[Petie1104]

OK, let's see if I can remember this one because it's been a long time..

DSS's therapist recommended both short term and long term rewards, so for him we set up a system....

7 days a week he had the opportunity for a reward if...

he completed the task on his own
he completed the task after being asked once

Now each task had it's own block, so at the end of the day, if he...

completed each task on his own
completed each task being asked no more than twice

then got a sticker on his weekly chart. If he had 7 stickers at the end of the week then he got to go with daddy (big reward cause daddy worked alot) to get an ice cream cone on free tuesday or wednesday, I can't remember which it was, at baskin robbins.

Now this system was complicated, but I only had one child at the time so I had the time to make the charts and keep up with it.

Since then my strategy has changed to natural consequences mixed with a more love and logic concept depending on the situation. So, for homework, I don't get arguments because it goes something like this....

Me-DS you need to do your homework
DS-whine sniffle whine
Me-OK well feel free to (insert normal after school activity) after your homework is done
DS-whine sniffle whine

I walk away. If after a few minutes he hasn't started, I will remind him that the activity cannot begin until after homework is completed. Of course with a 6 yr. old, I usually sit with them while homework is being done (we homeschool so everything is homework). But it is the same philosophy only I make sure I am ready when they are.

Piano I would treat much the same way.

Chores, we really don't have an issue with that so I can't be of much help, but I'd probably treat it is similar.

[hJo]

A few books that have saved my life with my Squirrel. My mom friend recommended them and the methods have been great with her 3-year-old girl.

Aware Baby/Aware Toddler - Sometimes babies/kids have pent-up stress that needs to be released. Whining can be a clue here...

Unconditional Parenting by Alphie Kohn- Wish my parents had used this method with me (so does my mom!). As an air sign, a logical loving approach to my behavior would have been SO nice. I think it would work with most kids, though. Exhausting to say the least, but very worth it.

Anyhow, we're using those 2 approaches with our little guy and at 20 months he's been incredibly receptive to them. He has very few 'people-pleasing' needs. So we are working to be very courteous and let him have a say in as many decisions as possible (like whether he would like to wear his pajamas all morning) - and, its hilarious to have him tell us his opinion Very adamantly, to know its a "bad idea," but to let him have the experience anyway (like swinging in the rain).

[mom2grrls]

I would also say tackle one issue at a time rather than all 3 at once. Have you involved her in the process? Perhaps she would like to pick what time she does homework/chores/piano. I find when I say what needs to be done and then the kids plan their schedule they're more likely to stick to it.

[nextcommercial]

I hat chores too.

Reward charts are kind of hard for some people. Sometimes, it's just a reminder of what you are doing wrong, and at age six, she knows she's getting freebies.

One thing we did (for ourselves during a weight loss challenge) is we set up three jars and decorated them. One was filled with a set number of marbles. Two were empty.

When I went to the gym, or hiking or whatever decent form of exercize, I put one marble in the jar with the blue ribbon. When I spent a day doing nothing, I put a marble in the jar with the red ribbon. At the end of the challenge, I counted the marbles in the jars.... all those in the blue jar represented one dollar that I sent to a charity (i wanted to give the charity as much money as possible) and the marbles in the red jar represented a dollar I had to give to my teenage daughter (who cackled with joy) and I was trying NOT to give her the money.

Maybe you could do that for piano, and chores. One for each thing. That way, she'll be able to see how well she's doing in each one. Then, maybe each marble can equal a nickel on Saturdays. (no freebies though, only for each time she practices her piano, or does her chores)

[ASusan]

Agreed with Dar. Start with smaller goals, and earlier and more tangible rewards. Build from there.

[LynnS6]

thanks! You're all right of course -- it was too much to tackle all at once. I was seeing "whining" as the problem and so lumping them all together. Really, it's doing 3 separate things. Homework is definitely the biggie, so I think we'll start there.

We had been working on a system for the last 6 weeks where she could decide when to do these things. That turned out to be a disaster because she did not regulate her time well and so was left with homework, piano and chores after dinner when she was tired. And she'd want to play with me (I don't get home until about dinner time several days a week), but couldn't because her homework/piano weren't done. That's actually what triggered the reward chart.

So, last week (after it was clear that the reward chart wasn't working), I declared that she was simply going to do her homework right after school, and that dh was going to have to enforce it on days when he was doing the after school care. (That was the other problem is that dh wasn't monitoring like she needed. Ds will just do his homework. Dd needs monitoring.)

We're now working on establishing a routine: Snack, homework, piano (most days), tv time/play time, dinner, chores (which we do as a family anyway). It seems to be working better and so I'm going to hold off on the reward chart for now (yes, I've read Unconditional Parenting, but this is a specific set of habits we need her to get into, not rewarding her for life). If we reinstitute it, I'll be one thing at a time.

[anj_rn]

We don't do reward charts, we have moved to a Privileges Ladder (adapted from the Dilley Discipline Ladder). Basically all DS's privileges are listed on a ladder (Only Chores & thinking, books, playroom, games, TV, etc). We reward good behavior by moving up a level. Unacceptable behavior results in moving down the ladder. SO, if you do your work without whining you move up a level. It allows an immediate reward. It has also progressed for us to having a child who asks what he can do to move up a level (handwriting practice, chores, etc).

It works really well for us, especially since his worst time was bedtime (when time out or redirection are not the best solution).