so mad at my kid!

[girlndocs]

So OK, it's my turn to admit I just can't handle it anymore.

First let me outline what I *have* got under control. DH, midwives, doula and I have all been keeping a weather eye for ppd symptoms and I'm being very careful of my protein intake, iron & vitamin B levels, magnesium supplements, sleep, and exposure to sun (all things that have influenced my depression & anxiety in the past). Next week I have an appt to have my thyroid levels tested. The midwives have someone in the wings to comanage meds if it comes to that (but meds are a last-ditch resort, especially given what I've read about withdrawal for the 2 under consideration for me).

I'm pretty sure this must be a symptom of some kind of ppd, but I've never heard of it before and it makes me feel about like the world's most horrible mom. I can't stand my 5-year-old anymore! I figured it was normal in the first week or so postpartum not to be too terribly interested in him, after all I was tired & wrapped up in my newborn. But I mean I've gotten to the point where I can hardly stand the sight or sound of him, everything he does is suddenly so irritating -- and it's not that he's behaving differently, because he isn't. I never get angry at the baby but everything my son does, it seems, makes me blow my top. It's as if he's the whipping boy for everything that stresses me out.

On a certain level it even makes sense ... after all, Bella doesn't natter on endlessly about silly things or say "Mom ... mom ... mom ... mom ...". She doesn't commit petty thefts or tell clumsy lies, throw tantrums, keep the whole house awake *on purpose* every night with yelling and thumping on the wall, bother the cats, break or spill things ... you get the picture. And the thing of it is, I know perfectly well these are totally normal 5-year-old behaviors, and that Bella might not do them now but she sure will by the time SHE'S 5. But somewhere along the way, somehow, I started seeing my boy as some clumsy annoyance and my baby as the perfect angel. Sometimes I wish it was just me, DH and the baby ... it seems like everything would be perfect then.

I have to know if anyone else felt this way after their second baby was born. What happened to all my love and affection for my son? What do I do about it? Obviously it can't go on or wait to get better on its own... I've been trying very hard not to let it show, and to do things with him & for him when I can bring myself to, but let's face it, he can tell things got different after the baby came. Poor kid must really feel like he's not wanted anymore. It breaks my heart to think of it but I know he knows.

DH isn't helping much either, because he's quite wrapped up in the baby ... was hardly involved with our son as a newborn, and he's determined not to make the same mistake with Bella, but meanwhile the kid gets left in the cold. How do I ask him for help without hurting his feelings, especially as he's proud of how involved he's been with the baby?

[ja mama]

I have no real solution. But you are not alone. I felt that also. Somehow it did get better, with no meds.

I would ask my husband to watch the baby and do something special (play firefighters or playdoh) with big brother, something that I knew he'd see as important. But it was good for me to have uninterupted time with him also. To see him shine, and notice him positively. I asked him "if he was willing" to help me in whatever I was doing with little guy, that way he felt no pressure to help, but wouldn't irritate me if he said no. He seemed to be more helpful when he was the one to choose.

The hardest thing was to stop expecting more out of big brother, simply because I had to do more, now that I had two kids.

We have reconnected, and he has been much easier than ds2 for quite a while. I often wonder if I 'taught' him to simply take care of himself because I was so harsh and distant when he needed me. He is still very eager to make me happy and keep me from using my sharp voice.

[Unreal]

nak....

no ideas, but I'm going through it too.

ds1 is 8, ds2 just turned 1...

I miss being all snuggly with ds1. I miss liking being around him.

But he just irritates the *&@%(*@ outta me.

but NOTHING has changed about him....so I know it is all me....

and then I feel guilty for it (especially since we homeschool him, so he is with me all day, breathing in all my negativity )

I did notice that when dh took the babe for walks and I was ALONE with ds1, things were much much better.
But that ended in the fall
I'm really hoping getting outside when the snow melts will help.

If it doesn't I think I really will

[girlndocs]

I miss being all snuggly with ds1. I miss liking being around him.

Yeah, exactly!

I've been thinking maybe getting time away from the kid would help. Like, I'm trying to be all that, if you know what I mean, ALL the time, and there just isn't enough of me to go around.

It kind of sounds bizarre but maybe even it's some primitive protect-the-species thing ... if somebody has to get ditched, ditch the offspring with the greatest chance of surviving on its own?

[EllasMama]

I have heard a lot of women describe feeling that way about kid #1 when #2 comes along. I think you're right that it's partly a protect-the-species thing, plus I think that it's probably a reflection of being so darned overtaxed. When you're exhausted and can barely keep up with what you need to, it's only natural that something's gotta give, and it makes sense that you'd choose the one better able to "take it." Since I only have 1 child so far, I have to rotate between taking my anger out on my husband and my child.

Though it's upsetting and hard, I think what you are feeling is very normal. You probably need more breaks for yourself, as well as some special time with only your oldest (when you're feeling a little more rested). You are not a bad mom. You are doing your best with far less help than we were meant to have in parenting. It's okay to feel like you do, and you are not going to permanently "damage" your older child's psyche or the relationship between the two of you. Kids are resilient, and since he is older, he absolutely knows you love him - you've been showing him that for many years! I doubt there's an older sibling alive who didn't feel at least somewhat dissed when the new baby came along.

I'm really sorry it's been so hard, but I feel sure that the "lovin' feeling" will come back around. Hang in there, and just do your best -- that's all any of us can do and so it just has to be enough.

Carol

[girlndocs]

Though it's upsetting and hard, I think what you are feeling is very normal. You probably need more breaks for yourself

You have no idea how much it helps to see people say that! After thinking about it more, I'm sure getting out from under some of the "mama pressure" will make a big difference. Hafta powwow with DH on that one. One thing I can do immediately is make sure when I'm feeling stretched too thin, instead of letting myself get all snappy at ds for what he'll think is no reason, explaining to him that I need space/time for a while. Then at least he won't think it's because he's done something wrong.

As far as ds knowing I love him, of course I hope that's true. It probably is, but I think I'm especially open to guilt on that score because on and off for a lot of his life I've been unstable from untreated depression, so he hasn't had anywhere near as consistent the parenting I would wish for him to have It's a big challenge for me to keep remembering that feeling guilty about the past isn't going to help any now and I have to work starting from now.

[CherylE]

Well since bringing the twins home from the NICU - I have felt that way about my 3 year old ds. All of my older 3 to some extent - but my 3 year old is driving me batty. Maybe because he's not as nurturing and into babies like my girls are? Anyway - I don't want to hear potty jokes, deal with his loud loud noise all the time, clean pee/poo up from the bathroom, deal with him not washing after messy wiping and going near my preemie babies. Ugh. I just want him to go away. I feel very guilty about it - we ended up putting him and my 2 year old back in daycare for 2 days a week just for this month. My 4 year old loves the babies and is helpful (and quieter!) and it just seems to make things go easier when I have all of them. My 2 and 3 year olds were in that daycare full time from Nov when I got put on full bedrest - so it's not a transition for them - they are actually happy to go

[EllasMama]

Originally posted by girlndocs
It's a big challenge for me to keep remembering that feeling guilty about the past isn't going to help any now and I have to work starting from now.

Yep, that is totally true. And nope, knowing it's true won't erase all the guilt! No matter how much we do, no matter how near perfection we may come, we will always come up short because we are merely human. Not to make light of an important topic, but at least our children aren't going to grow up thinking they have to be perfect like Mom and Dad!

I have a saying, I'm not sure where I heard it or if I made it up, but it goes like this: Mothering is the guiltiest job on Earth.

Bar none.

Hang in there,
Carol

[geogirl]

hugs for you girlindocs

I KNOW what you are going through. THis is totally how my ppd manifested itself. Looking at myself a year ago when my second son was new I can't believe the anger and rage and irritableness I showed towards my oldest son. It is getting better. For me I needed to put my oldest into daycare 3 days a week to have a rest from him and just bond with the baby while he was still having fun and getting good care. It is sooo hard for me to admit that this was best at that time. i think that my hormones have calmed down and that has helped. Also as my youngest gets into the toddler stage my oldest is starting to seem more helpful while the youngest more of a turkey (said with love!!). Please please be easy on yourself. pm me if you'd like.

Rebecca

[Jish]

If you've read much here before, you have read me post about my experience with this after my second was born. Trust me, mama's, you are not alone. This is the dirty little secret of motherhood.

When my second was born there was a time (about 6 to 8 weeks) were I didn't feel like I loved my firstborn like I did before. He irritated the heck out of me, and there were days that I though it would be so nice to just have the baby. I felt absolutely awful about it. I was sure that I had ruined my firstborn and destroyed our family by having a second. The guilt was overwhelming, and I didn't know how to make things "right" again. This went on for a couple months, then as soon as it started, it was over, and I felt the overwhelming love for him again. Not to say that he didn't annoy me anymore, or that I didn't get frustrated by him all the time, but I felt that love and bond again.

Being the type of person that I am, I started asking my friends who had all had their second children in the months before I had mine if they had felt the same way. Most of them listened to me tell how I had felt and their eyes would get wide and they would admit that they had felt the same way, but were ashamed to admit it, because of the guilt they had felt. It was as if I had freed them from some sort of prison by sharing that I had felt the same way. Turns out that it is VERY common to have those feelings, whether you suffer from PPD or not. This alone doesn't mean you are suffering from ppd. Now, when I have a friend about to have her second child, I tell her my experience and let her know that it's normal. We don't need more guilt than we already have.

If I were you, I would wait it out for a few weeks, and if then you find that you can't get past this, or you have other sypmtoms of PPD, talk to your doctor. Just know that you aren't terrible, and you certainly aren't alone in how you feel.

[girlndocs]

Thank you, everybody.

I've been manifesting more symptoms of PPD, which isn't a surprise ... anxiety, supreme irritability morphing into rage, as well as more typical depressed feelings. DH is marvelously supportive and so are my midwives and I think we'll get this worked out OK. I'm so glad I'm not crippled by the shame & denial that I had with my PPD when ds was a baby.

I am very, very angry at a society that gives mothers so little respect and support that so many of us have to go through this kind of crap.

[EllasMama]

Originally posted by girlndocs
I am very, very angry at a society that gives mothers so little respect and support that so many of us have to go through this kind of crap.

Amen, sister!

And then we're supposed to feel ashamed and hide it, pretending life is swell, till we reach a point where we're so disconnected from ourselves that we we lose all touch with reality.

Then we go on a reality TV show, get liposucted and reconstructed, and we are "happy" again.

:

Carol