Does your Mom agree w/ your parenting choices? - Page 2

[Marissamom]

I agree that even if she doesn't agree with you she should respect your decisions.

I guess I'm lucky that all the grandparents that are actively part of our life agree with our parenting decisions. I did have to educate my MIL a little about nursing through pregnancy and tandeming, but when she had kids close together (over 40 years ago) she in the minority for even breastfeeding at all. and once I explained it she was supportive. but for most stuff it's the same decisions that my parents made and my MIL made when they were parents. and the few things we differ in have always been accepted.

The one problem we have is with DF's dad, who we don't see very often, and the issues are reversed there, we don't agree with how my 11 year old sister in law is being raised

[JudiAU]

My great-grandmother had a terrible MIL. Complained all the time to grandmother who told the story to my mom. Result: mom doesn't give advice without asking, purchase gifts without consulting, snatch the baby out of my arms/change diaper without asking. She respects me and my sister both as parents and cautiously trys to work around horrible parent ex-SIL. The only thing she probably would have gotten worked about is if we didn't nurse and obviously were mean, etc.

She probably rolls her eyes a lot over toy choices/sleeping/stuff but she doesn't say it because it doesn't matter. We are loving parents and we have nice kids. Enough said.

MIL is another story. She will call 10-15 times a day wants to know EVERYTHING about our kids. We need a lot of mental energy to cope. EVERYTHING is about her, her parenting, etc,

Your mom sounds pretty typical. Yes, you probably need to set some limits about what her role is.

[Latte Mama]

I' m not sure if my Mom agreed with all my choices, I know she didn't understand all of them.

Extended BF she didn't really "get" but was supportive enough. She only BF me (out of 3 kids) for a few weeks, the rest formula fed.

Co sleeping was a thorn in her side for some weird reason. I finally told her to knock it off and she stopped telling me to "get him out of your bed now before it's too late".

Extended rear facing in the car, I still her comments on and this pisses me off. I have sent her links and articles and she still asks when I'm turning him around .

Babywearing--Does not get it either. She does not understand why I don't use the stroller all the time.

I could go on and on but basically I have educated my Mom on a lot of AP philosophy and she does think I'm a good Mom. I think that it's just so different from what she is used to but she came around for the most part.

[physmom]

My mom is pretty supportive and doesn't really have an grounds to criticize me so she doesn't. On the other hand, my stepmom (who I do have a wonderful relationship in general) does question our parenting techniques a lot. Much more so at the beginning but it's gotten better over time. I guess you just can't argue with results (DD is hardly the perfect kid but clearly thriving).

Honestly, even though I know she'll have suggestions that I disagree with I still complain to her about sleep/discipline stuff etc since I figure I have that right. But I don't tend to take stuff very personally and am, in general, a pretty confident person so I can say "Oh, thanks, that's something to think about but I don't think that would work for DD" and then change the subject. Or I might just say we're working on something and leave it at that.

BTW, I would be really upset about the baptism thing. While I do consider myself Christian, I just can't stand infant baptism because I feel that it should be the child's choice. We thought about going ahead and doing it anyways (and then in my own mind just consider it like a celebration of her birth rather than something religious) to please the grandparents but just never got around to it.

[oaktreemama]

My Mom is pretty cool with most of what we do. The weird thing she harps on is erf. I simply don't get why she cares which way my son is facing. It is a head scratcher to me.

As to your specific points-some people are really weird about having to take off their shoes. If everyone else does it w/o complaint maybe you could give your Mom a pass on that. It could also be she has foot problems and shoes give her the support she needs to be comfortable.

Swearing is again not a hill I would die on. Kids can learn that just because someone else does it doesn't make it right for them. Or they can learn it is situational.

[lovepiggie]

I've been very lucky, in that I have a mom who supports my decisions. She may not always agree with them, and I know she worries about some of them (non-vaxing), but she trusts me to do my research, knows that I am not doing things becasue of some 'fad', and supports me when talking to others.

But I agree with a pp who said that your mother needs to know that this is YOUR time to parent. YOUR child, YOUR choices. And she needs to respect them! Especialy things like not swearing around your child...

[Smokering]

In general, yes. I got a lot of my quirks and philosophy from her: things like SAH, homeschooling (in the future), BFing, CDing, no CIO and cosleeping. So yes. It's really nice to be able to complain about DD kicking me in the face at night and get commiseration, not a thinly veiled "Well, it's your own silly fault".

I think she sometimes feels I should do more "stuff" with DD, like crafts and reading books and so on. And she's right, I should, so I can't really resent that!

My mother-in-law, on the other hand...

[St. Margaret]

Yes, my mom does. In fact, if I were getting elective c-sections and formula feeding, then we'd have a problem . I know she tries hard not to just tell me how to do things, but I'm sure I'd have gotten a lot of gently-sneaking-it-in-there comments. As it was, a few of her comments helped me nudge myself towards checking out cloth diapers and such. But she is very much "let them find their own way there" in her parenting philosophy.

I'm sorry your mom is disrespecting you (because that's what it is). You have every right to talk to her about limiting the comments. I agree with zinemama, and I also am like the PPs who are very "I'm confident in what I'm doing, I love ya but you can take a hike." I am very friendly but if someone starts to butt in, DH and I both are good at setting a firm boundry. I don't know what I'd do if there were someone in my our lives who just kept at it... I think we exude the attitude that it isn't welcome and won't be tolerated. But maybe we're just lucky, too. I like chatting about parenting stuff, for sure, and appreciate the occassional comments from my wise parents/ILs But all the time, disagreeing, etc? That's not all right, and it would get to me, too. OP

[3xMama]

Nope, she does not. I cannot tell you the number of times I've heard "You need to put him down or he's never going to learn to be away from you" (babywearing). I pretty much nod and go about my day. If a response is required at all, I say something along the lines of "I like it, it works for me" or "that's what we've decided to do" and leave it. A few months ago, she finally did push me over the edge with her constant critiques in front of DD (4). She would constantly be telling DD in roundabout ways that she didn't have to listen to me. IE roasting marshmellows I'd tell DD to stay back and my mother would respond with "oh she's fine, she can get a little closer". It was that remark, actually, that did me in. I looked at her and told her if she was going to do nothing but critique me and undermine in front of my children, we simply wouldn't associate with her (note: we saw my parents at least twice a wk at this point, so it wasn't a small matter, it was constant). A lot of screaming, shouting, obscenities and insults happened and then we left. A month or so of complete silence from us did her in. We've never discussed the situation since, but I've not had a comment since, either.

Apparently, she thinks I'm a great mom. I've never heard that.

Do I recommend what happened between my mother and I? NO!!! NO and NO and NO!! Talking calmly with notes highlighting what you want to discuss and examples are a much better resource. My mother doesn't do that. Confronted like that it turns into a screaming match anyway, so I basically cut that out. And my dad and I had spent a lot of time trying to subtly bring it to her attention, but that didn't work out in the long run.

Anyway, the way I see it, you have to decide if you want the comments to stop or if you want to stay quiet for the sake of peace. If you want to stop them, the only thing to do is confront her. Calmly and gently if at all possible. As I said above, notes to highlight the areas you want to discuss and examples if she scoffs and doesn't believe you. If she wants to throw the guilt trip on you ("Aren't you lucky to have parent's who care so much") answer her directly. ("Yes, I am lucky my parents care, but I know your opinion already and I disagree. I'm going to continue to disagree. That's all there is to it.")

HTH--Good luck!

[colsxjack]

My mother probably doesn't agree with much of what we do. But she doesn't say much she is much more of a passive-aggressive person. We do not see her much. And she knows that her opinions really dont matter much to me. She does make a few comments off hand. Like she always asks if DD is in her own bed yet. I just say "No" in a matter of fact way and she drops it. But I know she thinks she should be. She probably would not think highly of DD still nursing at 15 months. But who cares. I know she didnt have a problem with nursing a baby, but she probably thinks it should end the same time you'd wean off formula.

MIL is pretty good. She is all into baby wearing and breast feeding and co-sleeping. (she still sleeps with her twin 8 yr olds and cuddles with her other kids as much as they will let her). Although, MIL is more willing to express her opinions than my mother. So, even when opinions jive with mine, the fact that someone else is interjecting their opinions into my parenting just irks me.

For the OP. It is very common here for everyone to take off their shoes in someones home unless at a large party. It is actually weird when you go to someones house and they tell you not to bother. Maybe tell your Mom that pesticides and such on her shoes are harmful to DD and while she still spends a lot of time on the floor and with toys on the floor you would not want them on in your house. Maybe buy her a nice pair of indoor shoes or slippers for use at your house. Might be a good Christmas present or something from your child to her. Maybe even let her bring a favourite pair of previously outdoor shoes that live at your house and become her indoor shoes. Maybe she is just VERY uncomfortable without shoes on and needs substantial soles and not just socks or slippers.

For the swearing. Maybe if you just tell her that you are not asking her to change who she is. Asking her not to swear if she swears like a sailor is basically telling her that she is offensive and her personality is not good for your child. Maybe if you ask her to cut it out for the short term, while your child is in the parroting stage, then she can go back to her "wonderful expressive self". That may be easier for her to hear and do. And once the child is past the parroting stage she likely wont pick it up from Grandma more than from other kids. My Dad swears like a sailor and us kids didn't end up with unusual potty mouths.

[bluesky2010]

Originally Posted by colsxjack

My mother probably doesn't agree with much of what we do. But she doesn't say much she is much more of a passive-aggressive person. We do not see her much. And she knows that her opinions really dont matter much to me. She does make a few comments off hand. Like she always asks if DD is in her own bed yet. I just say "No" in a matter of fact way and she drops it. But I know she thinks she should be. She probably would not think highly of DD still nursing at 15 months. But who cares. I know she didnt have a problem with nursing a baby, but she probably thinks it should end the same time you'd wean off formula.

MIL is pretty good. She is all into baby wearing and breast feeding and co-sleeping. (she still sleeps with her twin 8 yr olds and cuddles with her other kids as much as they will let her). Although, MIL is more willing to express her opinions than my mother. So, even when opinions jive with mine, the fact that someone else is interjecting their opinions into my parenting just irks me.

For the OP. It is very common here for everyone to take off their shoes in someones home unless at a large party. It is actually weird when you go to someones house and they tell you not to bother. Maybe tell your Mom that pesticides and such on her shoes are harmful to DD and while she still spends a lot of time on the floor and with toys on the floor you would not want them on in your house. Maybe buy her a nice pair of indoor shoes or slippers for use at your house. Might be a good Christmas present or something from your child to her. Maybe even let her bring a favourite pair of previously outdoor shoes that live at your house and become her indoor shoes. Maybe she is just VERY uncomfortable without shoes on and needs substantial soles and not just socks or slippers.

For the swearing. Maybe if you just tell her that you are not asking her to change who she is. Asking her not to swear if she swears like a sailor is basically telling her that she is offensive and her personality is not good for your child. Maybe if you ask her to cut it out for the short term, while your child is in the parroting stage, then she can go back to her "wonderful expressive self". That may be easier for her to hear and do. And once the child is past the parroting stage she likely wont pick it up from Grandma more than from other kids. My Dad swears like a sailor and us kids didn't end up with unusual potty mouths.

nice analysis.

[east carolina]

My mom did not agree with many of my parenting choices, maybe even most of them, but she would never go so far as baptize my baby without my consent (that's crossing a HUGE line imo!) and refuse to abide by the rules of my house. She expected the same for me (respect her rules), so she respected mine, though we mostly hung out on her turf.

It was hard for me not to get drawn into heated discussions with her and it's something that I struggled with while she was alive (she passed away almost two years ago), but one thing I did was to stop counting on her approval and just parent the way I want to and do what works for me and offer her as little details about our life and try to stop all escalating conversations with a "I understand that you don't think this is what I should be doing, but I've researched it and it's what works for me and I will keep your opinion in my, but we just have to agree to disagree on this one." And it was easier said than done.

[nicky85]

Does my mom agree with my parenting choices? Oh nooooooooo.

She was totally against me having an out-of-hospital birth. Whenever she hears about giving birth at home she always says it's dangerous. And she is a died in the wool vaccine devotee. (Because of this and the fact that she is mentally unbalanced, I have not disclosed my son's vaccination status to her. I honestly wouldn't put it past her to report me for choosing not to vaccinate per the CDC's schedule.) My mother lives off of Top Ramen and I don't want my son anywhere near the stuff.

My mom tends to be very toxic person to be around. I just can't handle being around her very much, so I don't see her very often.

Baptizing the baby without your consent?! Totally out of line! I can understand where she's coming from, if she is Catholic and believes baptism to be necessary for salvation, but that seems really seems insensitive of her.

Good luck with her!

[Lisa1970]

I don't think the Baptism is a big deal because if you are athiest, it means nothing. Now, if she starts making remarks to your child, like telling your child she is going to hell because she does not attend XYZ church, then I would take issue.

The rest of the stuff, oh,, I know what you mean. I get so much from family. It is everything from home schooling to breastfeeding, even to using a car seat beyond 2 yrs old. Not piercing ears, my daughter not wearing make up, etc. My daughter is 14 and has no interest in makeup. She probably has no interest because my nieces and relatives have been trying to force it on her for some time.

Back to the religion thing, my MIL used to try to slip Catholic things to my children. She would put pictures of saints and such in their car seats and claim they needed to be there to protect them. Well, I do not believe in worshipping idols and I do not like that she was doing that. I believe you should only pray to or worship God or Jesus in my religion. You should definitely not worship pictures of people and most certainly not people who are not Jesus or God. She also tried to take my baby to be Baptised, but in reality, she never got access to my child alone. I was really bothered by this, until a Nun reminded me that if I felt that the pictures meant nothing, it was no big deal to toss out the pictures. I was afraid to throw them away as I actually thought they might be sacred or something. But in reality, those pictures and such are not a part of my religion. However, I never threw them away, I tossed them in a charity box and figured those people could deal with it. Maybe they would want them if they were in to worshipping pictures and such.

I was just about to make a post about when others openly disagree with your parenting. I am worried some of it has been destructive. I will tell you that my MIL has been trying to tell my children that they are going to hell because they are not Catholic. She has been trying to get my husband to take communion at her church and she has been demanding that if he refuses, he must stand in front of her church and denounce Catholicism. I know she is saying that to manipulate him. If you do not believe in Catholicism, or any other religion, then you do not believe that their ceremonies and traditions mean things. In otherwords, then he does not see a meaning in denouncing a religion. However, we do teach our children about freedom of religion and I think it is horribly rude and horrible, so horrible, to go to someone else's place of worship to denounce it. Therefore, my husband would never do such a thing.

[Lisa1970]

I want to add though, do not leave your child alone with her. It sounds like she must have been left alone with your child for a period of time to take him to a church and have him Baptized. I would also find out where she had him Baptized (I think it is possible she is lying) and then call that place and complain about them doing it against parental consent. Also, find out if there is a formal complaint process and formally turn in whomever did the Baptism. I know that in some churches, they must have parental consent to do Baptisms.

Was your mother left alone with your baby and a car seat for a long enough period of time that she could have transported him to a church and have him Baptized? Or is she more likely lying about this?

[Smokering]

I don't think the Baptism is a big deal because if you are athiest, it means nothing. Now, if she starts making remarks to your child, like telling your child she is going to hell because she does not attend XYZ church, then I would take issue.

I disagree - it's a big deal no matter WHAT you are, whether your beliefs are almost identical or diametrically opposed. At the very least, baptism to an atheist means the baptising grandparent is being disrespectful, conniving and incredibly inappropriate - and I'm sure many atheists would view it as far worse than that.

I'm Protestant and a credobaptist, so I don't believe infant Catholic baptism "means anything", in the sense of conferring any benefit, spiritual standing etc on my child (or any kind of curse or negative consequences, either). I'd STILL be beyond livid if my Catholic parents-in-law had pulled that stunt on me, and it would very possibly have been the last time they saw my child.

She has been trying to get my husband to take communion at her church and she has been demanding that if he refuses, he must stand in front of her church and denounce Catholicism.

That is truly bizarre. I'm intrigued. To the best of my knowledge it isn't REMOTELY supported by Catholic doctrine - where's she getting it from? Is there some kind of ceremony he has to do? Kind of an "I denounce thee and all thy pernicious doctrines" speech? Does it have to be during Mass? Does she expect the priest to formally excommunicate him or something? Ask her to write up an order of service for the occasion, I wanna know.

[sammymama]

Thank you all so much!

So many wise mamas on here! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and advice.

I think the thing that touched me the most, personally, is the concept that I do not actually need my parents' approval - although I may want it, it is not at all necessary and the sooner I stop wishing for it, the sooner I will stop feeling disappointed!! The other point I took to heart is that if I continue to keep feeling this way I need to muster up some courage and address it directly. It's crazy to me that my mom does not realize I feel this way - but I know she really doesn't! Realizing this also gave me the perspective that she is not *trying* to be hurtful.

The other post going around right now - the 'what's the craziest baby thing someone's ever said to you' or some such title, also made me feel better - or at least that I am not the only person who has fielded a series of bizarre remarks and just downright terrible advice from loved ones, lol.

Oh, and on the baptism thing; my mom is a Eucharistic minister, so she just did the baptism prayer thing over DD - in her view (seems to differ with different Catholic sources), she is qualified to make that sacrament "count". It was the night DD was born; dh was saying goodbye to the midwives and I was in the bathroom so there was no leaving the house w/out my knowledge, church ceremony, etc. My head nearly exploded when she told me for a variety of reasons, but mostly b/c it felt like one of the most outright disrespectful things she could do, being quite clear in her understanding of mine and DH's views... as I type the explanation I get upset about it again, but once again I did not find the oomph to deal with that conversation.

My last thought is that DH and I are planning on moving back to the west coast in a few years; I know this sounds awful, but many of these things that are weighing so heavily on me now would not bother me as much if it were in the capacity of a visiting grandparent, as opposed to one we see several times a week... does that make me a horrid person? Something else to ponder!

Anyway, thank you again for the great food for thought!

Cheers,
sammymama