Firstly, I'm not sure if this is the right section to post in, so feel free to move it to the appropriate place.
I'd like to also say that I am finding it really hard to think clearly at the moment, so I may ramble quite a bit.
History:
My DS was born in april 07 at 29 weeks by emergency c-section, he spent 9 weeks in Nicu but now is a healthy three and half year old. However, for us as our first baby his birth and early arrival was a huge shock and shook us both up. I was very nervous when we brought him home, after seeing him stop breathing several times in Nicu, and he was still only 4lbs when he came home from nicu.
My DD was born a year later in april 08 at 32 weeks by VBAC, shortly after her birth, we were told she had Down Syndrome. However, we were both on top of the world, her birth was a breeze compared to my son's and she was a fighter, breathing for herself by the end of her first day. We were told to expect her home in 3-4 weeks, she just had to grow a bit and get breastfeeding.
Sadly, that bubble burst, as she slowly started to deteriorate. Nicu became a rollercoaster of good days, and heartbreakingly bad days.
She ended up with a tracheostomy, and ventilated, the drs did endless tests, but couldn't find out what was actually wrong. A rare lung condition was all we were told, they couldn't do anything for her. At 22 weeks we agreed to withdraw intensive care and she passed away in her daddy's arms. We were understandably heartbroken. By now our son was 17 months old, and we still had to be parents to him, we still had to be strong for him.
That was 2 years ago.
Since then, I've already had one bout of depression and had counselling and anti-depressants. I wanted to prove to myself I could 'cope' without meds, so came of the anti-d's after just a few months.
A few months ago, DH was also diagnosed with depression, had two weeks off work, but has now gone back. He is still depressed, as am I.
We can't help each other, as we go round in circles, both of us feeling down, and not knowing what to do to help each other.
I try so hard to be a good mother to my son, but I feel terrible that I am failing him, by not being happy and not having the energy to do things with him.
We want to homeschool!
But I feel that I don't want to let him down, or let his education suffer through my own problems.
We take him to parks, but I have so little energy when I'm out that I'm in a trance like daze.
At home, I try to do arts/crafts with him, but the energy I use to get everything set up and then put away leaves me with very little enthusiasm for the actual activity.
My DS is in a good routine, eats well, sleeps well at night and is healthy. But i'm worried that HE is going to become depressed, living with two parents who are so down all the time.
We've recently taken on two new dogs, a rescue dog and a puppy. I'm now worried that they were a mistake, as I have so little energy for myself, my son, and now for the dogs aswell. They do get walked every day. They are loved and cared for, but I feel that I have no time for me.
Family and friends don't know the extent of the way we feel, I think we try to portray a 'strong' image to others.
I feel anxious as well as depressed, I can be quite irritable at times.
I'm not sleeping well, but partly that is due to the dogs.
I either lose my appetite completely and don't want to eat, or I go the total opposite and comfort eat.
I KNOW I have a problem, but I can no longer think clearly enough to know what to do to help myself or how to help my husband.
There are probably a hundred other things I could write about here, but just needed to get some of this off my chest.
I'd like to also say that I am finding it really hard to think clearly at the moment, so I may ramble quite a bit.
History:
My DS was born in april 07 at 29 weeks by emergency c-section, he spent 9 weeks in Nicu but now is a healthy three and half year old. However, for us as our first baby his birth and early arrival was a huge shock and shook us both up. I was very nervous when we brought him home, after seeing him stop breathing several times in Nicu, and he was still only 4lbs when he came home from nicu.
My DD was born a year later in april 08 at 32 weeks by VBAC, shortly after her birth, we were told she had Down Syndrome. However, we were both on top of the world, her birth was a breeze compared to my son's and she was a fighter, breathing for herself by the end of her first day. We were told to expect her home in 3-4 weeks, she just had to grow a bit and get breastfeeding.
Sadly, that bubble burst, as she slowly started to deteriorate. Nicu became a rollercoaster of good days, and heartbreakingly bad days.
She ended up with a tracheostomy, and ventilated, the drs did endless tests, but couldn't find out what was actually wrong. A rare lung condition was all we were told, they couldn't do anything for her. At 22 weeks we agreed to withdraw intensive care and she passed away in her daddy's arms. We were understandably heartbroken. By now our son was 17 months old, and we still had to be parents to him, we still had to be strong for him.
That was 2 years ago.
Since then, I've already had one bout of depression and had counselling and anti-depressants. I wanted to prove to myself I could 'cope' without meds, so came of the anti-d's after just a few months.
A few months ago, DH was also diagnosed with depression, had two weeks off work, but has now gone back. He is still depressed, as am I.
We can't help each other, as we go round in circles, both of us feeling down, and not knowing what to do to help each other.
I try so hard to be a good mother to my son, but I feel terrible that I am failing him, by not being happy and not having the energy to do things with him.
We want to homeschool!
But I feel that I don't want to let him down, or let his education suffer through my own problems.
We take him to parks, but I have so little energy when I'm out that I'm in a trance like daze.
At home, I try to do arts/crafts with him, but the energy I use to get everything set up and then put away leaves me with very little enthusiasm for the actual activity.
My DS is in a good routine, eats well, sleeps well at night and is healthy. But i'm worried that HE is going to become depressed, living with two parents who are so down all the time.
We've recently taken on two new dogs, a rescue dog and a puppy. I'm now worried that they were a mistake, as I have so little energy for myself, my son, and now for the dogs aswell. They do get walked every day. They are loved and cared for, but I feel that I have no time for me.
Family and friends don't know the extent of the way we feel, I think we try to portray a 'strong' image to others.
I feel anxious as well as depressed, I can be quite irritable at times.
I'm not sleeping well, but partly that is due to the dogs.
I either lose my appetite completely and don't want to eat, or I go the total opposite and comfort eat.
I KNOW I have a problem, but I can no longer think clearly enough to know what to do to help myself or how to help my husband.
There are probably a hundred other things I could write about here, but just needed to get some of this off my chest.
I have not dealt with losing a child, but I have parented during pretty bad bouts of depression. It is so hard to have a picture in your head of what you would love to do with your child, as a great mother, with activities, and day trips and arts and crafts, but when in reality, getting the kid fed, dressed, and bathed is a big enough chore. When you are depressed, it is so hard to have enough energy to do more than just the basics. Know that this is temporary and you will get through it, but you will need to be strong and MAKE yourself get help.
, you are human and you are like the rest of us: you'll never be perfect. But you sound like you already do so many things well for your child, that is something to focus on for awhile and realize how lucky you are that you can do all you already do for him.
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