Cancer Survivor Mama - Page 3

[Letitia]

Getting by here.

I finished radiation two weeks and a day ago, and started generic Arimidex on Monday.  My counts stayed way down through radiation and they still weren't up very well when I was seen on Monday.  Then on Tuesday I got a fever, and I've been going in for a daily exam and IV antibiotics since then.  They gave me the choice of that or the hospital, and I am so glad to not be in the hospital again.  Plus, the infection -whatever it is - did drive my counts up so I'm not technically neutropenic anymore.  It's a little bit of good news that my marrow can respond some.

I was really feeling pretty good Monday when I went in for the regular appointment, have been exercising and back to work (which is only ever half-time).  I was a little nervous about what the Armidex might do, then this fever thing is just out of the blue.  It's really annoying.  I feel like I'm starting to get back into my life and then suddenly I'm in the infusion room every darn day for hours.  I have to get premedication before one of the antibiotics and then have it given as a very slow infusion, so I've been stuck there a long time. 

The good news is that as far as I can tell, I'm just sick, I'm not having trouble with Arimidex.  

[Benjismom]

I was diagnosed this week with chronic myelogenous leukemia, chronic stage. My disease is treatable with a targeted oral therapy that has moderate side effects for most people. This treatment is relatively new so it's not clear how durable the remission is. Those who relapse progress to acute leukemia and need a bone marrow transplant.

I am very concerned about my ability to be a good mom to my kids while feeling bad. I have a 10-year-old DS, a 7-year-old DD and a 2-year-old DS. My DD is extremely mom-centered and has always been very anxious. She sleeps with me and this week has been superhard because I still have a fair amount of pain from the bone marrow biopsy. (She's very squirmy in bed--ouch!) My oldest has ADHD and I have to provide a lot of support in terms of homework, organization, etc.

My situation is in some ways more like a mom with a chronic illness, since I have to be treated continuously for the rest of my life. But my disease is very deadly if treatment doesnt bring about remission or stops working, so theres no escaping the fact that it's cancer. Kind of the worst of both worlds!

Beth

[abomgardner417]

Letitia - Congrats on finishing rads!  Those darn counts!   A year later mine are still just a smidge below normal but luckily it hasn't caused problems.  So sorry you have to make daily trips to the doc, but I agree, it's so much better than being stuck in the hospital.  Hopefully, they'll come up soon.  Glad to hear you're tolerating the Arimidex well.  If you don't mind me asking, and forgive me if I missed this somewhere, are you post-menopausal or did you have an ooph?  I'm just wondering because my onc told me Tamoxifen was the only option for pre-meno women, so right now I'm doing nothing except some supplements since I couldn't handle the se's of Tam.  I wouldn't mind trying another drug but I didn't think Arimidex was an option for me. 

Beth - so sorry to hear of your new diagnosis!  It's always such a blow.  It's good to hear it's treatable though.  Have you started the therapy yet?  How long do they think it will take before they can tell if you're in remission?  We can all relate to the struggle to be a good mom while in treatment. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard to take time for yourself sometimes, but don't forget that being a good mom also means taking care of you, too.  Do you have friends or family that can help out on the days you might not be feeling so hot?  Here's hoping you have very limited side effects!

[prairiemommy]

Hi all,

Welcome Beth, sorry you're here with us but at least you have a place to go.  {{Hugs}} on the new diagnosis, it's hard no matter what your prognosis is.

Letitia, I'm sorry you have been so sick and I'm amazed that you are back at work even if it's *only* part time.  Up here in Canada, most doctors don't clear people for work until it's been about a year after surgery, so months after radiation.  I hope whatever infection you have clears up soon!

I'm doing okay these days - the taxotere part of the chemo has been much easier on my system than the FEC part.  My counts this week were amazing - neutrophils were 3.1 and WBC were 4.77.  I rocked the bloodwork!

I had chemo yesterday so I'm laying around today.  I won't get really sore until tomorrow or Sunday but because my bloodwork was so awesome, my nurse cleared me to take Advil which will work a thousand times better on the joint pain than Tylenol. 

Had bad port news though.  I cleared the placement with multiple care providers and all said it would be fine for radiation.  Nope, it's in the field so they have to pull it at the end of Feb and now I won't have it for my surgeries in the spring.  With my adhesive allergy, they can't even tape an IV to my hand so I don't know what they're going to do.  It sucks and I was so mad I cried.  It's like you have so many specialists and doctors but no one talks to each other and then all of a sudden, something that should have been caught earlier doesn't get caught and gets done wrong.  I am less mad about it now because really, it could have only been noticed when I was on the bed in the radiation room and they were aiming the beams and that would have been worse but it was a total fluke that it was caught when it was.  The radiation oncology resident had cleared it, for crying out loud. 

My biggest challenge is that I feel a little better with the chemo but I still can't do anything.  My arm swells if I do too much (I'm going into compression sleeves as soon as they get here) and I'm just too tired still.  A house full of kids and stuff is hard work and I can't do it. I'm tired.  I have help from my in-laws but I think they see me feeling better and wish I would do more too but I just simply can't.  It sucks.  I wish I could do more. 

[Letitia]

Hopefully I can post, don't know if the oddities happening right now are my computer or this site.

Beth, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with such a diagnosis.  My first concrete concern when I was diagnosed was my kids.  And that doesn't go away I don't think.  For me it's just always shifting its exact shape. 

Prariemommy, sorry about the bad news about the port.  Can you ask what they would have done before ports for someone with your sensitivities?  I have such mixed feelings about getting mine out (not going to happen until my counts are  higher anyway) - would love to feel like I didn't need it but it's been such a blessing.  I'm glad the taxotere has been easier than the first rounds were for you.. 

Abomgardner, I started my family on the late side so although my kids were toddlers when I was diagnosed, I was 44.  I wasn't menopausal then, but at that age the chemo had a very high chance of causing menopause.  It seems to have done that.  I haven't had a period since the day after my first infusion last July.  Technically, that's not been long enough for me to be officially menopausal, and if I remember the numbers right, there's a 10% chance my ovaries could still recover, but right now they're not doing anything.  What you were told about tamoxifen sounds about the same as what I was told, and that was one of the options we considered.  I would have considered an oophorectomy, but my oncologist doesn't think I'm well enough for elective surgery to even bring that into the discussion.  What we decided to do was to go ahead and use the Arimidex and watch my ovaries really closely for a while. 

Everybody, than you so much for your support.

.

[prairiemommy]

What does the Amiridex do if you aren't in menopause?  I haven't looked into it enough to know because I know I will sit in that hospital until they take my ovaries out and give me the stronger estrogen blockers.  I'm too young to go into menopause from the chemo. 

[kjbrown92]

Originally Posted by zjandosmom 

Hello all.  I had a mast and 6 weeks of radiation for breast cancer.  I am finally set to have my exchange surgery next week (8 months with tissue expanders is long enough).  Question for you all who did rads, how long until your energy returned 100%?  This past month I have finally felt like myself during the day but by 8 p.m. I am done and falling asleep on the couch.  I miss having any time in the evening for myself and my dh.  It's getting frustrating and now I'll be having another surgery and starting the recovery process ...again.  I know this next surgery is supposed to be 1,000 X's easier thant he mast but I'm still nervous.

I probably don't belong here, but had to look anyway. Have any of you with breast cancer been to breastcancer.org. Their forums offer very good support. I'm 42 and had a lump in May, 7 months after my last mammogram. Then lumpectomy. It was atypical hyperplasia. Add to that that my mother had breast cancer at 48 (non hormonal) and my father's mother had breast cancer (and her mother had ovarian cancer), I had a 70% chance of cancer, 20% in the next 10 years. I was absolutely terrified. I tried the tamoxifen, and like another poster, I didn't tolerate it well. I was only on it for 2 weeks, and had side effects for the next 7 weeks (I was limping around from hip pain and screaming at my children all the time). So I opted for prophylactic mastectomy. My kids are 13, 10, and 5 so I figured I was done using them anyway. I've had the expanders since November and can't imagine having them for 8 months. I have muscle spasms all the time and can't sleep. I can't imagine having chemo and radiation on top of it. Well I can imagine it, because a high school friend of mine is going through it right now, and had her mastectomy 2 weeks before I did, an oopherectomy a month before that, and chemo before and after. On my husband's side, both his grandmothers died in their 40s, one of breast cancer and one of ovarian cancer, and last year his aunt had breast cancer as well. So my two girls are going to get it from all four sides of the family. And I don't know what to do to mitigate that. Everyone eats healthy (two of my kids and I have food intolerances to the big 4, so we don't eat processed foods), we're all taking vitamin D, etc. But do you guys worry about things like that? I'm always in awe of the incredible strength of moms going through cancer treatment with young children. And I'm sorry that you all have this forum (not that I'm sorry that you have the forum, but that you have to have the forum).
 

[prairiemommy]

Kathy, I'm sorry you are worrying about this too.  :hug

My cancer is likely BCRA 1 or 2 but we are waiting on the results of the tests.  If the test is neg they said it is still likely that since they don't have the entire genes mapped yet or it is another genetic cancer that they don't know about yet.  I was 34 when diagnosed and my mom was 35 and my aunt (her sister) was 39 and we have all had the same type of cancer - hormonal +, even in the same side of the body. 

So yeah, the genetic worries are there and though I've had a mastectomy on my left side, I will be having the right side done profilactically in the spring and am hoping to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes out after that. 

I worry a lot about cancer coming back or that my kids will get it or have the gene and how that affects their risk for cancer.  If they do have the gene, my DD will have an 80% of getting early premenopausal BC and my boys will have a 1/10 chance (as opposed to the 1/1000 chance men normally have).  The only good news is regardless of my genetic results, my kids will be screened early and often - from age 25 on they will have yearly mammograms and MRIs, which is something that could have saved me a lot of trouble as my cancer would have been found a lot sooner.  And they won't have to fight for tests and help like I did. 

It's a hard worry to manage and I admittedly take a lot of anti-anxiety pills yet because I haven't learned how to deal with the fact that I could leave my kids sooner than I am ready.  I am also in a lot of therapy. 

And also a thank you to you - you helped me with coconut milk yogurt a long time ago and I really appreciated it.  I'm glad your website is up and running because I wanted to make some more and couldn't remember the recipe!

[kjbrown92]

Originally Posted by prairiemommy 

Kathy, I'm sorry you are worrying about this too.  :hug

My cancer is likely BCRA 1 or 2 but we are waiting on the results of the tests.  If the test is neg they said it is still likely that since they don't have the entire genes mapped yet or it is another genetic cancer that they don't know about yet.  I was 34 when diagnosed and my mom was 35 and my aunt (her sister) was 39 and we have all had the same type of cancer - hormonal +, even in the same side of the body. 

So yeah, the genetic worries are there and though I've had a mastectomy on my left side, I will be having the right side done profilactically in the spring and am hoping to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes out after that. 

I worry a lot about cancer coming back or that my kids will get it or have the gene and how that affects their risk for cancer.  If they do have the gene, my DD will have an 80% of getting early premenopausal BC and my boys will have a 1/10 chance (as opposed to the 1/1000 chance men normally have).  The only good news is regardless of my genetic results, my kids will be screened early and often - from age 25 on they will have yearly mammograms and MRIs, which is something that could have saved me a lot of trouble as my cancer would have been found a lot sooner.  And they won't have to fight for tests and help like I did. 

It's a hard worry to manage and I admittedly take a lot of anti-anxiety pills yet because I haven't learned how to deal with the fact that I could leave my kids sooner than I am ready.  I am also in a lot of therapy. 

And also a thank you to you - you helped me with coconut milk yogurt a long time ago and I really appreciated it.  I'm glad your website is up and running because I wanted to make some more and couldn't remember the recipe!

I had mammograms since 35 because of my mother, and had the BRCA test two years ago, and when it came back negative, I thought I was safe. Then in March, my husband's aunt who had been diagnosed the previous summer (her mother died of it at 45) said her BRCA test was negative too. It was only 2 months later that I found the lump. I've talked about it with my 13yo already (early testing and all that), and my kids all know that I had it done because the risk was so high. I'm glad you're getting therapy to help with your anxiety. You sound like you have a lot on your plate!

Oh I'm so glad that I helped you with that recipe. I love to hear that people use them. When I first starting out I couldn't find any recipes I could use. So it's my mission to help one recipe at a time.

 

[abomgardner417]

Hey ladies!  Just sending you all some more good vibes for whatever you're dealing with at this point in the journey!

Prairie - re: the Arimidex...I'm not sure what it will do if you're not post-meno, I just know I was told it wasn't approved for pre-meno.  I sort of wish chemo had put me into menopause so that I would have more options with the hormone blockers, but I'm too young too.  I just don't like the idea of having an ooph at 34.  I think the side effects and quality of life issues as a result of it scare me more than cancer coming back so for me, for right now, it's not an option.  I reserve the right to change my mind though, lol.  I'm glad to hear your doing well with the taxotere, but sorry to hear about the port issues.  I'm interested to see what solution they come up with for your surgeries since you have the allergy to the tape.  As far as being run down, hey, let everybody else go through what you've been through and see how much they feel like doing the normal everyday things.  Sometimes it's a struggle just to get a shower.  I remember the frustration of just wanting my energy back so bad.  The good news is, it does come back!  It takes a little while but you'll get there, just hang in there girl!

KJ - I love bc.org!  It's so nice to be around other women who know exactly what you're going through and how you feel.  Although, lately it seems like there's a lot of drama and fighting there.  But all in all, it's such a great forum.  And you are more than welcome here!  You've been close enough to cancer and been through plenty yourself.  I too, was a monster to my kids on the Tamoxifen.  There still little enough that I hope they don't remember that week!  Not that I beat them or anything, I just had zero patience and lost my temper A LOT over really stupid things and screamed at them.  It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. :(

I worry about cancer and my kids too now.  They're boys, but there's still that chance.  I was BRCA -, but now there's a history of their mother of course and then their paternal grandmother was diagnosed a year after me.  But I think I worry more about other cancers for them than I do about them getting BC.  I mean, I don't obsess over it, but it is hard not to think about sometimes.  You just don't want to see your child go through any of that.

Letitia - how are you doing?  I hope your counts are getting better.

benjimom, jwood, zjandosmom - how are you all doing?  Sending every one big

[Letitia]

My understanding is that if your ovaries are making estrogen, the drugs like Arimidex (armatase inhibitors) won't work because your ovaries can basically make enough estrogen to overcome them.  Tamoxifen competes with the estrogen that's already there, and Arimidex blocks the formation of estrogen but only if there's not a lot being made to begin with.  I know there are some other drug options for actually shutting off the ovaries (like Leupron), but I don't have any experience with them and my oncologist made them sound pretty rough.  It looks like in my case it's not necessary anyway so we didn't talk very long about them.

I'm definitely more scared of the cancer than of not having my ovaries, but I can't know what I'd feel about it if I were ten years younger.  I never thought I'd look forward to menopause, it always seemed like it would be kind of a sad transition, but the way it turned out I was hoping so hard this summer that they'd quit and I am pretty relieved.  It does feel weird and sad to have this suddenly much older-seeming body, but there is nothing about the changes that is as bad as the thought of the cancer.  If my ovaries recover, which is unlikely, I think I'll definitely try to have the oophorectomy. 

I got tested for BRCA 1&2, being 44 with stuff on both sides even though I don't have a family history at all.  It was negative.  I had moments when I wished it would be positive because then my daughter (my son does not share my genes) would have a chance of not having it, but that's a little crazy I know.  And it's not what happened anyway.  I spend a lot of time wondering what it was in my life that caused it - I think of so many things - and know I can't control everything my kids come in contact with.  But I think about it all the time.  I try to keep my mind away from the "if only I had . . . trains of thought, because I can't change what I did/didn't do that got me to where I am now, but the other part of that is that even if I couldn't change the past maybe I could change the future.  So we are eating really, really healthy and trying so hard to keep our home free of bad stuff.  But it's just so hard to know, the world is so complicated.

I will check out the other forum.  I have really appreciated this one because the effect of my cancer on my kids is just such a huge thing in my head and in my life. 

KJ, Good luck with the expanders.  Reconstruction is something I'm not thinking about yet, figured I'd want to wait a few years before considering it.  I might just do anything.  But I think it's brave to go through more physical challenge.

[prairiemommy]

Ah, thanks for the clarification on the drugs.  I knew that there was an issue but didn't know what.  I am 34 and I hate the thought of going through menopause at this age but I hate the thought of cancer more so you know, you take the lesser of the two evils.  I will fight to the end to have my ovaries out and because Genetics is backing me up, it shouldn't be a huge stretch.  My mom took tamoxifen for years and the only time I remember her being a raging hormonal bitch was when she had her ovaries out  So I'm a little scared. 

I haven't had my period now in over 5 weeks, which is amazing for my very regular body (though with the FEC it was going about every 18 days).  So I'm heading into some sort of quasi-menopause but I only have one treatment left and I doubt it will last long after that. 

As for the genetic aspect, I think it helped relieve a lot of guilt for me.  I had breastfed for 12 years, not worn deodorant, not used hormonal birth control, had kids young etc etc etc etc etc and I just felt like it didn't matter and for a while I wondered why I had tried so hard.  But now I think that I could have done everything "right" and I still would have been hit.  The guilt has now moved into whatever I've given my children genetically. 

I have thought about reconstruction but I just don't think I'm up to it.  I applaud those of you who do it. Do they offer immediate reconstruction in the States often?  Because it's almost standard here and I'm one of the only young women that I know who opted *out* of it. 

[Letitia]

Immediate reconstruction is in general an option - I'm sure it depends on the situation.  I just made it clear I didn't want to talk about reconstruction at all when I had my surgery.  I couldn't deal with thinking about a single additional thing.  Being where I am now, I'm totally unsure what I'll do.  Right now I think anything other than the ones I said good-bye too would make me grieve them more than I do already.  I would want to be in a place where I'm happy about doing it and looking forward to having them, right now I might resent them.  Maybe I will get there, but if not and I stay this way I think that would be OK too.  I also only just became able to comfortably touch my chest in the area where the tumor was, and I think I need to be more at peace with (and not afraid of) my chest wall before I could consider doing anything to it.

I went to a support group two nights ago that was a mixture of caregivers and survivors and all different types of cancer.  It was maybe a little too big, but it was a really good experience and I think I'll try to go back. 

[Benjismom]

Well I'm almost a month into treatment now and things are going OK. The good news is that my blood counts are in normal range, so I'm responding to the drug. There will be more sophisticated assessments at 3 and 6 months to see whats going on at the genetic and molecular levels.

My main challenge is serious fatigue--it reminds me of how I used to feel in early pregnancy when I swore I could fall asleep standing up! I also hurt all over, muscles and joints. I also feel like I've lost about 20 IQ points. I guess that's the "chemo brain" I've heard so much about.

We've been trying hard to keep our routines the same for the kids, though I've needed more help from my DH. I am struggling with how to make plans--for vacations, camp, etc.--when so much is uncertain. I am a planner by nature and this is really throwing me for a loop. This is also an emotionally charged subject for me because my DH's mom died of cancer while he was at sleepaway camp. My rational mind knows my situation is different but I'm not always rational!

I hope everyone is hanging in there.

Beth

[prairiemommy]

Beth - I'm glad you are doing okay.  Don't be surprised if the fatigue gets worse.  It is cumulative and it is hard to work through. There are some mornings when I just lay in bed for an hour and am not bored even though I'm doing nothing - simply because I'm so tired.  And you need to rest - the more I rested, the better my blood counts were - so I know it's not for no reason.  It's really hard to switch from being the Mom Who Does It All to the Person Who Has To Take Care Of Herself. 

We applied for respite care today.  I am so, so tired these days.  I had my last chemo last week and it hit me harder than the previous two.  And I saw a social worker at Cancer Care and she encouraged me to apply for respite.  Is there any services available to you for help around the home? 

Also, I know what you mean about planning for summer.  We missed all our vacations last year because I was sick and I really, really want to go on one this year but we still can't plan anything because of my upcoming surgeries.  I've been planning all these virtual trips that we could possibly take if this surgery falls here, and this one falls here and whatnot.  It's hard not ever knowing what's going to happen. 

We too try to keep things as normal as possible for the kids but sometimes it just doesn't work out sometimes and we all have to suck it up.  It is part of life.  So my kids are doing less activities this year and that's just that.  Sometimes they have to miss things and they know it's not because I want them to miss things but because we can't go. 

I hope the rest of your treatment keeps trucking along smoothly.  I totally feel you on the fatigue. 

[Letitia]

Beth,

I'm glad you're  tolerating the medication and your counts are moving the good way.  I'm guessing your experience with the fatigue is going to be different than mine since our cancers and treatments are so different.  On the other hand, needing to lie down is needing to lie down.  Sometimes there's no choice.

I am at a point where I can get through regular days, but have to make decisions about how to plan my energy.  At least it's fairly predictable now.  Mine is getting better at the point of treatment I'm in, but I can't just go full blast all day and not expect to crash and be mean to the kids.  I have them all day today, so I went to bed early last night and skipped some stuff that could wait.  Most things can wait. 

We've gotten into totally new patterns here, but it's taken months.  Really the 3-1/2 months since the rotating family support people left the house.  We still use more support than we did before - more babysitters, stuff like that.  If you have that option, and can get some rest, maybe it could help your energy when you are the one with the kids?

I totally get it about IQ.  I was offered some more hours at work yesterday, but it would be doing something different than what I usually do.  Basically helping with administration.  I don't want to take the hours away from my kids, so I'm not going to do it, but I also was just scared of having to figure out the new stuff when my boss was talking about it.  My mind feels slow, and it's doing best with the familiar.  I really hope that gets better with time.

Letitia

[prairiemommy]

How is everyone doing?  It's been a long time since anyone's posted.

I'm knee-deep in radiation right now and it hurts.  No way to go but through, right?  So I keep chugging along.  We have respite help for the afternoons as that is when all of my rads are scheduled.  It helps.

I have a tentative date for my next surgery.  I will be having the other mastectomy on May 16th it looks like.  A week after my oldest turns 13. 

Other than that, I saw gynecological oncology and they have agreed that taking out my reproductive organs is the way to go and have booked me in for a recheck in July as I wanted to postpone that particular surgery until after the summer, so I could be with the kids more.  So we're looking at a date in September. 

I hope everyone has been well.  I suspect fatigue has kept a lot of you from posting.  I know it's hitting me hard. 

[Letitia]

Hi Prairiemommy,

I see your post was a while back.  It's been forever since I've been on.  I hope you're all done with radiation now.  I hated it so, so much but it's nice to be in a place where pretty much all I'm doing is recovering, no more insults to my body. I know you've got the surgery coming up - if I remember it's a prophylactic mastectomy on the other side?  I hope for you that I'm remembering that right, and that it's as much easier for you as the mastectomy on the side with the negative sentinal node was vs. the side with the axillary node dissection for me.  "Easier" isn't the right word, because it wasn't "easy," but that side recovered a lot better.

Letitia

[Letitia]

Hope everybody's doing OK.  Sometimes it can be a good sign that a person's not posting, sometimes a bad one.  I hope you are all out there planting gardens and reading to kids and whatever it is you like to do that's keeping you from the computer. 

Prairiemommie, I hope your second surgery went well.  Beth, I hope you're still tolerating treatment.

My own energy has come back pretty darn well.  Now if I could just calm the anxiety.  And deal with the different light cast on my life plans.  My biggest fear is that I'll die before my kids are old enough to remember me, and that I'll miss seeing who they become. 

[prairiemommy]

I think this thread stopped sending me email notifications.  I missed the last two posts.  And I slept through most of April, trying to deal with the radiation burns.  They were awful.  I had huge patches of open skin which was just burned skin not ready for air and huge patches of black and grey skin coming off.  It sucked really. 

I had my surgery May 16, a prophylactic mastectomy on the right side and while it's been much easier in some ways, it's been harder in others.  It was shorter but the pain in recovery was far worse.  I was more vocal though and got my pain managed better this time.  I still stayed overnight, which was a surprise, but hey, I got morphine all night. 

I have had a seroma develop under the incision that pulls on it when it is full of fluid.  I have had it drained once.  It does hurt and nearly 3 weeks later I'm still on a bit of narcotic painkiller to get through but mostly acetaminophen and ibuprofen.  My arm movement is a lot better but I can feel that there are adhesions on this incision too so I've started my physio stuff from last time which is way harder to do when both your arms are compromised.  Oddly enough, I still have better mobility in my right arm than my left.

The best news is that the pathology from the right breast was completely clear!  I just found that out Friday.

I am now waiting for doctor's appointments.  I saw my onc last week and he was decidedly unhelpful.  I see my surgeon again in a week or two and my rad onc (whom I do not like at all but am almost done with) at the end of the month.  I will see the gyne onc team in July to discuss my surgery options for the fall.  I'm nervous about that one.  I am so done with pain. 

I would so like to not hurt.  But I have learned that's never really going to happen again.  I will always have some sort of low-level pain to deal with - at least for now.  It hurts both physically and emotionally.

So that's my update.  How is everyone else?