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Is it weird for people to ignore your pregnancy?

post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
I have to get this off my chest because it's driving me insane and my dh doesn't want to hear about it anymore. It might be more of a vent.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with our third. We had a loss at 13 weeks in feb, and had not told anyone about that pregnancy. I'm also about to be 39, so getting pregnant again with a healthy pregnancy is a blessing and we're excited.

Now, I like next door to my mother in law. Ah yes.
We moved here last fall so this is the first time we have been close to family with me pregnant (aside from our loss). We told family about 15 weeks this time, to make sure we passed the milestone of losing our last little one. That was the beginning of August.

I look ENORMOUS for 25 weeks. To the point that people (strangers) have said "must be soon!" and stuff like that, I can't argue with that, my belly is rather large. Plus, with severe tailbone pain, crotch ligaments pulling in every direction and a preexisting disc injury, I walk like I'm 400 years old at this point.

Now, my mother in law has not mentioned this pregnancy since we told them.
At that time she said "oh i didn't know you wanted another" and "I guess you need to get another carseat"? That was it. She is so bizarre.

She sees me all the time in the yard or with the kids, she lives right next door. She has NOT ONCE asked about the pregnancy, or even said "how are you feeling?" I'm not saying I need someone to dote on me, but she never asked if found out the sex, if we had an US, if the baby is healthy...nothing. Shows no interest. I mean, don't normal people say things like "how are you" when you see someone? Pregnant or not? I always ask her, "oh how are you" when I see her. She never says anything back. It's just bizarre. My dh and her do not get along (he is an only child, she has no other kids but him) and he says that is normal, she is too self centered to care.

I just think it's bizarre...my family semi stalks me through my mom and is excited for a new baby in the family. I would be that way too, when my boys' wives are pregnant and I am lucky enough to live next door, you bet your life I'll be at least checking in and see how things are, if they need anything, can i help in any way...

How do you act with someone like this?
I never mention it around her, it's like a secret, that is sticking out 18 inches from my pelvis. It makes me ignore it too. I understand that pregnancies are most captivating for the woman who is pregnant, but a little "how are you feeling" or "when are you due" might be in order.

No?
post #2 of 23
My inlaws were the same way. They live in another state, and when I'd call them to give them updates on the pregnancy (there were a number of issues, including a scary prenatal diagnosis at 12 weeks), it felt like they were just humoring me by letting me tell them stuff that they really had no interest in or connection to. And it hasn't changed since she's been born. They've inquired once as to her well-being, and that was because mil called needing the address for her friend to send something she'd knitted, and it would have been really awkward to ask that without at least paying lip service to wanting to know how the baby was (she was still at Children's Hospital.)

It's weird to me, as I talk to my family regularly and they are always wanting to know everything they can about the baby. But that's not how his family rolls, I guess.
post #3 of 23
My in-laws are the same! They live an hour away though. When we told them we were PG with DS2 (around 13 weeks) they just stared at us and said "Really? Are you serious?" like they thought dh and I were doing a practical joke. We almost never hear from them, and we see them mostly at holidays. MIL never asks about the boys. When we told them we were PG again this time (well dh called his dad and told him) his dad seemed a bit surprised but seemed sort of pleasant about it, but my MIL called MY mom and COMPLAINED!!!! wtf?? Um, we are married and grown-a** adults (dh is 40 and I am 32)!!!! MIL has never asked about the pregnancy and I've seen her twice in this pregnancy... once was at FIL's birthday get-together where she said "You know if this is a boy you have to try again, right?" , and then at my nephew's birthday party where she nor FIL said anything at all. I find it SO WEIRD and obnoxious and I am right with you, sister... I will def want to know how my sons' wives' pregnancies are going!!!

I don't get it at all. Sorry you have to deal with the same crap! AND you live nextdoor? Ugh!
post #4 of 23
Aww, I'm sorry! That's frustrating, and it's too bad you guys have to live next door! And chance you'll move in the future?

I wouldn't waste any more energy on her though. The problem is entirely hers. Just soak up all the love from your own family. There's a reason your dh doesn't get along with her, right?
post #5 of 23
It is weird, and frustrating, and kind of obnoxious. Other posters are right: its her problem, but its still hard to deal with because its so odd! It might be more annoying if she asked how you were, and then attributed any ache, being tired, or things completely unrelated to pregnancy (like catching the gross cold your 19 month old has) to the fact that "you've gained so much weight". My mother in law gained 10 lbs in her first pregnancy, and lost weight in her second (????), and apparently needed no sleep, never got sick, and pooped out roses!
post #6 of 23
My in-laws are like this as well, but only since the point where they decided we had enough kids! When we told them we were pregnant with #3 the only comment was "What the hell? You have enough damn kids already!". With #4 they just looked the other way and said nothing. After that they do not mention it until the very end, usually MIL starts talking about it around 36 weeks. DH is scared to tell them this time! It sucks, but sounds like you have a very supportive family. I do too, so I just focus on them instead of in-laws. Heck, people at the grocery store are nicer to me than the in-laws!
post #7 of 23
Thread Starter 
You guys are right, thanks for reading that long post!

I forget to add, when I told her about the pregnancy, I kind of said to her something along the lines of "this isn't a secret so feel free to tell anyone you want". A few weeks later and I was invited to a cookout at her sisters house - my dh's aunt. We all went and I was maybe 17/18 weeks pregnant? Totally obvious at this point. NO ONE knew I was pregnant, she never told anyone. Everyone was shocked and kept saying "Oh I didn't know you were pregnant" and my MIL who was sitting right there, just turned her back and ignored the comments. It was SO AWKWARD. I just kept saying that I assumed my MIL would have told people (considering she is very close to her sister). I mean, she seriously went out of her way not to tell people. Just weird.

and no, we can't move - we actually moved into thier old house which needed a lot of work which we are doing and they built something smaller next door for them. So, I think it's safe to say we can't move anytime soon (although my dh would move in a heartbeat, he's had it with her).

Oy. I hate inlaw drama but it's just been driving me insane the last few months...
My husband has told me that when we do have the baby to not tell them and see how long they will go without saying anything about the carseat we keep carrying to the car... LMAO.
post #8 of 23
are you kidding???? I WISH that more people would ignore the whole pregnancy thing!

last time around it got so annoying hearing about my size, my due date, whether it was a boy/girl, "how are you feeling?, etc... that i started to feel that i wasn't ME anymore and just a pregnancy. i really started to avoid people and social situations. i'm hoping the 2nd time around people will be less "into" it.

i did have an aquaintence that i would occasionally see that is completely socially clueless and one day at maybe 8 months i came to give her a ride and she arrived at the door with these huge boxes for me to carry to the car. and while i realize she's a total nutcase it was such a relief to be treated like a normal functioning human being again.
post #9 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by tzs View Post
are you kidding???? I WISH that more people would ignore the whole pregnancy thing!
ha ha! I agree with this!

Although it sounds like the MIL has other relationship issues in this instance, I have decided, after this pregnancy (my first) that I will never ever prompt discussion about pregnancy with a pregnant woman, because I am so very very very sick of talking about it, or answering questions, or feeling like I have to act perky and cheerful when I am tired and cranky.
post #10 of 23
ok, if you're THAT huge (like i am) it's totally weird for her to ignore it. hell, my husband's coworkers ask about me all the time. people on the street that i barely recognize say "not long now!" (i actually have 2 months but am measuring wayyyyy ahead). my family doesn't say too much about this pregnancy, but that's really just the way they are.. i know they ARE happy for me. my mom is knitting the baby sweater as we speak. one of my sisters asked me what i needed since her boy's just turning 2. my dad hasn't said a SINGLE WORD about it whatsoever, but that's just the way he is. he didn't say much about my first either and they were instantly close to each other.

i think sometimes if it's not your pregnancy, you're not all that connected with it..
post #11 of 23
Yes, weird. Not entirely uncommon, 'cause there's a lot of dysfunction in this little old world of ours... but weird. My grandma did this with Mum's sixth baby, but at least she lived far away, so she only "ignored" the pregnancy on the phone, which was somewhat less awkward. Her issue, in that case, was that Mum had "too many" kids. She ADORES all of us now, but was never happy when we came along.

And I agree with PPs that random strangers constantly commenting on a pregnancy can be annoying... but a family member who lives next door OUGHT to comment, regularly, in the form of "How are you doing, do you need help babysitting or cleaning or cooking?". Them's the rules.
post #12 of 23
Why don't you just ask her why she's never mentioned it? That seems like the logical first step.

"MIL, I'm curious - here I am looking like I'm about to pop, total strangers are stopping me in the street to ask about my due date, and not once have you ever alluded to the fact that I'm pregnant. You've never even asked how I'm feeling these days. Why is that?"

That's the what I would do.
post #13 of 23
I don't live near my in-laws, but the same thing happened last time we saw them. They visited for a whole week and they didn't ask me how I was feeling, how the baby was doing, nothing. It was a bit odd. Then again, they don't show much interest in us anyway, so I shouldn't have been surprised.
post #14 of 23
Just wanted to say that I have realized that a lot of older people from previous generations don't always view pregnancy in the same light that we do. My grandmother is always telling me about how you didn't talk about or show off your pregnancy like we do today. No form fitting clothes, no big celebrations, etc. Only close family and friends would get together and bring gifts and usually after the baby had already been born. Also, having children was hard and considered "another mouth to feed" by most of the working class families. I know all of this sounds crazy to us today... but it may be why you MIL has reservations to mentioning your pregnancy. <--I still think that's way hurtful though!
post #15 of 23
Is it possible that your MIL has some sort of trauma related to pregnancy? Her behavior does seem strange-almost like she is in denial.

FWIW, we took our family to the beach with my inlaws at 36 weeks and neither of them mentioned the baby or asked how I was. It was surreal. They view children as burdens instead of blessings though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
post #16 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3 little birds View Post
FWIW, we took our family to the beach with my inlaws at 36 weeks and neither of them mentioned the baby or asked how I was. It was surreal. They view children as burdens instead of blessings though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
This is my parents.

My inlaws are only interested in whether or not it's a boy...so far they have been very disappointed in me.
post #17 of 23
This may be totally off, but it was kinda my first thought: if your DH is an only child and his mom was kind of doting, do you think it's a bit bothersome to her to discuss the evidence that her little boy is having sex? *hides* Some moms are weird like that. Other children aren't so bad because they could, technically, have come from anywhere. But when the baby is in your womb, there's only one way for it to have gotten there.
post #18 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maprilynne View Post
This may be totally off, but it was kinda my first thought: if your DH is an only child and his mom was kind of doting, do you think it's a bit bothersome to her to discuss the evidence that her little boy is having sex? *hides* Some moms are weird like that. Other children aren't so bad because they could, technically, have come from anywhere. But when the baby is in your womb, there's only one way for it to have gotten there.

ooooooh! interesting hypothesis...
(i could see it)
post #19 of 23
@amaayeh
I'm sorry! That sucks. Isn't it really their son's fault? It's his sperm?

I hope they love their granddaughters.
post #20 of 23
My family doesn't really ask about the baby. Which is incredibly frustrating. They'll listen when I talk about it and will join in a bit on the conversation, but I rarely ever get asked about the baby. But they're kind of like that in general with me, they rarely ask how I am at all (except for my dad). It's not that bad, I'm used to it. But there was one thing that really bugged me. A couple weeks ago DS and I went out to breakfast with my parents. The server was commenting on DS (who is 5) and then asked, "Is he your only grandchild?" to which my parents responded, "No, we have an 11-year-old granddaughter" (my niece). No, "And another grandbaby on the way," or anything of the sort. That REALLY hurt me. I get that we have issues that we're trying to work on, but I really feel like they'd just rather pretend I'm not having another one sometimes.

This baby's father also NEVER asks about the baby. But our history is pretty messed up (short version: he's an emotionally abusive alcoholic and kicked me out a few weeks ago, even though I had nowhere to live and no job). Even before things got really bad right before it all ended, he still NEVER asked how I was feeling, let alone anything about the baby. But I just chalk it up to him being self involved...it's just the person he is. *He* is more important than anyone else, including his child...so long as he thinks other people believe that he gives a crap about his kid.

I handle it by just...not handling it, I guess. I'm sure it will be something I bring up in counseling when I start up again (moreso the part with my parents, since ex's involvement is unlikely, but I need to fix my relationship with my parents). I really do at least need to address that one incident with my dad since he's the only one that will listen, and I have to at least put it out there and get it off my chest.
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