My mother's undermining comments: ignore or argue?

[lysimachia]

My mother is not "mainstream" by any stretch. She home birthed, cloth diapered and breastfed my siblings and me until we were toddlers. But for some reason she really does not like EC. She thinks it's controlling, psychologically damaging, achievement-oriented, etc. She thinks it's potty training, basically, and nothing I say or do can convince her otherwise. She thinks I need to "mellow out." She says the same thing when I respond to my 4-month-old baby's mild fussing: "mellow out, sometimes babies just need to fuss." The thing is, the baby usually fusses for a reason: hungry, tired, needs to pee... I don't "hover" around my baby, I don't make her the center of attention or show undue concern, but I do communicate with her, I do respond to her communication. I guess my mother thinks babies don't communicate?

It would be one thing if my mother kept her thoughts to herself, or even expressed them once or twice. But every time she's around and I offer the baby the potty, she starts in with the undermining comments. And it makes it hard to EC on days when she's around. I have a hard time listening to my baby's signals when my mother is undermining and making judgements. (The only times I've been peed on since the baby was tiny were times when I took the baby off the potty too soon because I was afraid my mother would think I was torturing her somehow.)

So this is my question: do I grit my teeth and ignore her, or do I justify myself? Do I argue? Is it worth it? She's not an easy person to argue with, but she's not any easy person to ignore, either.

[choli]

Ignore.

[LCBMAX]

Ignore.

AND, go right ahead and make your 4 month old the center of your attention if it suits you.

[lysimachia]

Sigh.

I KNOW it's best not to try to convince her, because that just opens up the door for more criticism.

Any advice on how to keep my focus while she's making undermining comments? I don't want it to interrupt my communication with my kid!

[puddle]

"Mom, I appreciate your concern, but this is the way that I've chosen to care for my child. I am comfortable with my decision, and it is not up for discussion."

Repeat every single time until she gets the hint or you are able to tune her out.

[Snapdragon]

Originally Posted by puddle

"Mom, I appreciate your concern, but this is the way that I've chosen to care for my child. I am comfortable with my decision, and it is not up for discussion."

Repeat every single time until she gets the hint or you are able to tune her out.

yes, this. I was going to suggest somehting exactly like that.
Don't try to convince her, just surround yourself with support (even if it is online on MDC) of other people who agree with your choices, but don't feel that you have to convince your mom to agree w- you, or that she is right. Just tell her she has her opinion and it is different than yours.

[hrsmom]

Can you say something like "It's not like I'm insisting she use the potty all the time, I know there will be times when she goes in her diaper, but if I think she is about ready to pee or poop, I just hold her over the potty. Lots of people do it this way, and it's so much cleaner. The main thing about this is to be laid back and easy about it." Or whatever. (Did you say your baby was a boy or girl? I didn't notice!

Maybe just focus on how much your love your little baby and find things that are good about your mom being around.

In my experience, this kind of things gets easier as the baby gets older.

You can tell her you read about a mom online who did it this same way (me!) and is so happy, because her baby just gradually evolved into being potty trained (or whatever word you want to use) and it was no big deal. Much better than potty training struggles that are all too common these days.

[riboflavin]

Yeah, what she ^ said! I always dealt with it like hrsmom suggested. When people asked or commented on it I'd say things like, "Yeah, it's so great to have learned about this! My baby used to have horrible rashes, and now he rarely has any!" Don't know if that is true for you though. Or "It is just so hard getting poo out of all those little crevices, it's so much easier just flushing a toilet!" (How can anyone deny that one!) "One lady online (me) said she could count the number of poopy diapers she had on her hands when her baby was 4 months old (starting from 5.5 weeks)!" "My baby gets so fussy when she has to go potty, and it is a struggle for him/her to go when she is not in the right position, so pottying him/her makes her so much more content!" "It's such a great tool!"

When I explained it with excitement and enthusiasm people usually seemed really excited and interested. But since your mom has already made comments, I guess you would have to tailer your conversations a bit. Maybe something like, "I know it sounds crazy, but I found it works so great for us because..." "I thought it was crazy at first too, but..." "I know you think it is strange, and I understand, but I found...."

No need to convince her, but maybe she will see some good reasoning behind it and lay off a bit.

Good luck! I'd be interested to hear an update sometime down the line! {{Hugs}} for stressing!

[lysimachia]

Thanks for the great thoughts, everyone.

I think I've actually come up with a middle way:

I'm going to say "Thanks for your advice, but this is how I'm doing it" very firmly whenever she criticizes. (And do my very best to ignore her and focus on my kid. NOT the easiest!)

But I'm also going to offer (not every time, but once or twice) that if she's interested, I'd be happy to give her some reading material on EC. So *I* won't try to convince her, but I think if she sits down to read a book or an article about it, she might learn a thing or two.

[hrsmom]

Lisa (riboflavin) makes a great point- I also used to tell people-not that it came up that often- that I thought it was strange at first. That was so long ago that I'd forgotten!

Great ideas you have, and enjoy your sweet little baby!

[emmaegbert]

you know, your mom may change her mind eventually. My mom got totally into it and she thought it was WAYYYY weird at first. Now she is super proud of her DGD and boasts about her being "potty trained" all the time (Something I wouldn't do nor would I claim she is "potty trained")

And, so did two different childcare providers. I didn't push it and DD was always p/t ECed. But all of these women had the opportunity to make a catch, and they were hooked!!

(and, they ALL understand the benefit of fewer poopy diapers!!)

[marija_jane]

I am thinking that your mom may be feeling defensive/guilty about not doing EC because it sounds like she's totally cruncy otherwise. Maybe she is trying to convince *herself* that EC isn't so great and therefore she was a good mom even though she didn't do it with you.

I think that most of the time these sort of strange hostilities that people show about things [parenting differently than they did] are more about their insecurities than about you. Depending on what kind of relationship you have with your mother maybe you could ask her something indirect like, "isn't it wild how so few people know about this here even though it is the norm in so many parts of the world?" or if you have a really open relationship, you could say, "I'm wondering if you are worried that I think you weren't responsive to me because I've talked about how important EC is for me to do with my child-- just want you to know that I don't feel upset at all that you didn't know about this when I was a baby."

Just a thought...

[lysimachia]

I think you're totally right, Marija. But she's defensive enough that I don't think I could approach it directly. It is good to remember, though!

[sapphire_chan]

"Mom, you are sooo incredibly ignorant on this topic that I can't even begin to talk to you about it until you read this book.* You seem to think that I'm planning to strap dd to a potty chair or some other abusive nonsense and I cannot believe you would think that of me. Read the book and maybe you'll realize that EC is something you would've done with me if you had known about it."

* get her one of the books that addresses the philosophy more than the day to day how-tos.


Has she read the Pearls? Because they also call what they do elimination communication, only their version comes from a very different place.

[lysimachia]

Now, that might be what I want to say, but my mother's no fun to fight with, so I'm going to have to be more diplomatic. ;-)

And I don't think she's read anything about EC at all, it's just that she has ideas about the age at which "potty training" is appropriate, and she can't seem to get the difference between EC and potty training.

[Carlyle]

How about "You know mom, I know that you really don't like the idea of potty training early, and I totally value your input because I think you're a great mom but what I'm doing is really different. It's a decision that I'm really happy with, it's working well for our family, and your repeated comments about it are really starting to make me uncomfortable. I'd certainly be willing to sit down and talk with you about it more or point you to some great books that explain the differences between this approach and early potty training if you're looking for a way to feel more comfortable about my decision, but I really need you to stop making comments about it all the time. It's just not a decision that I'm open to discussing/changing because I feel like it's working so well for my family."

[lysimachia]

I did tell her something like that. She promised to hush. We'll see. ;-)

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by lysimachia

I did tell her something like that. She promised to hush. We'll see. ;-)

Oh good. I hope she does hush, that sounds really annoying! (If she does want a book, check out "Diaper Free Baby" by Christine Gross-Loh...it's a good, more mainstream take on it)

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by lysimachia

And I don't think she's read anything about EC at all, it's just that she has ideas about the age at which "potty training" is appropriate, and she can't seem to get the difference between EC and potty training.

: she...wha?..but..really?...huh?...bbbbbubbubububub ubbbubuuububuuubububuububuubububbbb Pardon, that sound you just heard was my brain crashing like a hard drive.

Originally Posted by lysimachia

I did tell her something like that. She promised to hush. We'll see. ;-)

:

Y'know what though, if she's this sort of person, she's going to be a pain about more stuff in the future. Even if you think you'll be doing everything else how she'd did with you, there's going to be something coming up. And there's no working with an ignorant person who refuses to educate themselves. Especially with some one who is so quick to assume their own dd would abuse her own dd. Might be worth it to go ahead and have the fight on a topic that's nice and clear and has books, just to have the precedent set for the future.

But, as long as you don't make your dd poop in her pants to keep grandma happy, it's not really that huge of a deal. And, you also don't get paranoid about misses around your mom because of thinking about her judging you. And can talk freely about your dd to your mom....

Okay, I'm just not getting how someone who practiced so much evidence based parenting would ever be okay with just accusing their own child of abusing a child without at least reading an article or something. Or even asking their kid where they got the idea and observing the actual interaction and how the baby responds?

Literally the only thing I can think of is that your mom is equating EC with early potty training. That is the only reason I can think of that she'd think EC was "controlling, psychologically damaging, achievement-oriented"

Seriously, you can't at least ask her what exactly she thinks you're doing when you say you're taking your dd to the potty when she indicates she needs to go? I mean, it's really on your mom to do the research, but I'd hate for her to be having nightmares.

[LCBMAX]

My mil also thought ec was abusive, and refused to offer pees to our son. Fine. Her choice. She also refused to do diapering! That limited the amount of time she could spend alone with him, but it was her choice. Paradoxically, upon hearing that he can manage his own pees now, said "Oh good, I can have him for longer." And still, I have the sense that she'd be deeply satisfied if he did develop some bizarre psychological issue around toileting.

My last thought - who knows what this brings up for the OPs mother? Could even be something related to her own unremembered toilet training with OPs grandmother. I have also definitely experienced that otherwise enlightened, forward thinking, attachment friendly people will often encounter some parenting idea that is just a deal breaker for them. Not necessarily any rhyme or reason, but there it is. And then there is the very human tendency of grandparents to see a big parenting difference as implied criticism.

I do agree with sapphire that this is a great opportunity to practice how you want to handle criticism about your parenting, since it will come up again if your mom stays involved. I wish you more luck than I've had with my own conflict management skills!