How to equip your child to deal with bullying... - Page 2

[Mackenzie]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Yeah, sorry I ended up taking the thread off topic of your daughter. I forgot to post that before. That wasn't my intention.

No worries. It happens. And as I said, its important and it helps me help her through these discussions because they are a fairly frequent occurrence....

[Arduinna]

oh, as for the rest. As I already posted, I used to be in your camp, nothing posted here is anything new. I've BTDT and used to say it all myself to people who think as I do now. I just no longer agree.

[kcparker]

Have her practice a withering gaze and the long-suffering sigh reserved for people who just DO. NOT. GET. IT.

Seriously, it sounds like the level of aggression that is being directed at her right now is best ignored or dismissed with as flat an affect as possible. If she is already secure enough in her own values and personhood that she does not take what these kids are saying to heart, she can just say, "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I am going to Hell. I'd better make sure I pack my bikini." It's not like she will change their world views by arguing about their points of faith with them, and if she doesn't believe in hell, who cares if they think she's riding in the handbasket already? If she's a non-responsive target, they will likely get bored with the lack of reaction and move on. If they escalate and she feels threatened, I would absolutely want her to go to the administration and to you.

I work at a university, and there is an anti-harrassment policy in place here. I don't understand why there are not similar codes of conduct in place at K-12 schools. I think maybe a simplified code would be well-placed at the entrance to every school, and all students and their parents should have to read and sign one at the start of every school year. It states (bold itals mine) (and sorry that it made for such a long post, but I think it is worth reading in detail):

The University of Iowa is committed to maintaining an environment that recognizes the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and that fosters tolerance, sensitivity, understanding, and mutual respect. This commitment requires that the highest value be placed on the use of reason and that harassment in the University community be renounced as repugnant and inimical to its goals. Harassment destroys the mutual trust which binds members of the community in their pursuit of truth.

The University also is committed strongly to academic freedom and free speech. An educational institution has a duty to provide a forum in which free speech and differences of opinion are actively encouraged and facilitated, and where opinions and deeply held beliefs are challenged and debated. Critical to this mission is providing a nondiscriminatory environment that is conducive to learning. Respect for these rights requires that members of the University community tolerate expressions of opinion that differ from their own or that they may find abhorrent.
Harassment of any member of the University community is prohibited.

a. Definition of harassment as it relates to conduct. "Harassment" means intentional conduct directed toward an identifiable person or persons that is sufficiently severe, pervasive, or persistent that it interferes with work, educational performance, on-campus living, or participation in a University activity on- or off-campus.

b. Definition of harassment as it relates to the content of speech. When an allegation of harassment rests upon the content of oral, written, or symbolic speech, it falls within this definition only if 1) the content consists of those personally abusive epithets which are inherently likely to provoke a violent reaction, 2) the content is a serious expression of an intent to commit an act of unlawful violence to a particular individual or group of individuals, or 3) the content is a threat to a person or group of persons with the intent of placing the victim in fear of bodily harm or death. Conduct that constitutes a protected exercise of an individual's rights under the First Amendment to the United States Constitution (and related principles of academic freedom) shall not be deemed a violation of this policy.

Note: Sexual harassment is addressed by the University's Policy on Sexual Harassment (II-4).

c. Evidence of harassment. Behavior that may be considered evidence of prohibited harassment, if it meets the definition set forth in paragraph a above, includes, but is not limited to, the following:

(1) repeated contact with another in person, by telephone, in writing, or through electronic means, after the recipient has made clear that such contact is unwelcome.

(2) physical, visual, or verbal behavior directed toward another person or an identifiable group of persons that is intended to be or is reasonably likely to be interpreted as threatening or intimidating. Behavior that constitutes speech is included within this section only to the extent to which it has a direct tendency to incite an immediate violent reaction in a reasonable person or to place a reasonable person in fear of imminent physical harm.

(3) harassment proscribed by the Iowa Criminal Code, Chapter 708, including, for example, stalking (708.11), the placement of simulated explosives (708.7), ordering merchandise or services with intent to annoy (708.7), or false reports to police (708.7).

[Mackenzie]

Thank you for that. Sean (my spouse) says that KY passed *something* in recent years regarding bullying but I don't think it is as well lined out as that. We are trying to track it down...

Seriously, it sounds like the level of aggression that is being directed at her right now is best ignored or dismissed with as flat an affect as possible. If she is already secure enough in her own values and personhood that she does not take what these kids are saying to heart, she can just say, "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I am going to Hell. I'd better make sure I pack my bikini." It's not like she will change their world views by arguing about their points of faith with them, and if she doesn't believe in hell, who cares if they think she's riding in the handbasket already? If she's a non-responsive target, they will likely get bored with the lack of reaction and move on. If they escalate and she feels threatened, I would absolutely want her to go to the administration and to you.

It is not so much just these discussions. She is pretty fine with THOSE. It is what she is experiencing outside of them, like taunting and remarks to other kids (they had to sit in pairs for something and another girl told the boy that was with Laly that she feels sorry for him and whatnot). Laly thinks that the feelings she has expressed on other issues are a contributing factor to why she is treated this way, if that makes sense...

[mtiger]

I asked my son what he said when he was confronted with this sort of thing. He told me he said "I understand that we don't agree. And that's okay. I respect your point of view. I hope you can respect mine." And then walked away. He says he started that in MS, 'cause that's when the comments started.

[farmer mama]

Have you checked out the book Queen Bees and Wannabees? My daughter (11) and I read this book and the book Odd Girl Out recently when she was having trouble with a group of girls in a class (she is homeschooled). She wasn't necessarily the main target, but there was a lot meanness that my daughter didn't know how to address. I think it helped her identify what was happening. I think the way she has dealt with it has been to grow a thicker skin and keep an attitude of "I don't care what they think of me". Also she was empowered by standing up and speaking up for others. Unfortunately bullying between girls seems really subtle and easy for adults like teachers to miss.

[pregnant@40]

Originally Posted by mtiger

She sounds a great deal like my oldest. He's always been very much his own person, with unconventional opinions and thoughts. To boot, not a burly guy, but slender, attractive (in what could be described as a "pretty" way), very in touch with his emotions, etc. There was never any real hard-core bullying, but some milder stuff. He was called gay (and variations thereof), emo, a cutter, etc. I think I've mentioned that he was pretty well pushed out of Scouts (except for one friend and his Father).

But my son, somehow, has always had a very strong sense of self and has never much cared for what others think of him. And I can honestly understand why some consider him odd. Not many young men would: walk around HS with a shirt proclaiming his willingness to give Free Hugs every Wednesday; walk out to the track for gym class, spinning around in circles, arms thrown wide, face to the sun; sit in class, silently weeping over the beauty of a particular turn of phrase (in English), the poignancy of a passage (in music), the perfection of a proof (Calc), etc.? My son did all of the above. And more. LOL He did have a pretty solid (and large!) group of people who loved him for who he was - mostly girls. And eventually, his peers grew to admire him for ignoring everyone else's drummer and marching to his own. Now that he's in college? He has found that he's not all that odd.

None of this may help you much. But it may help you - and your daughter - know that kids can and do cope with being the lone voice in the wilderness. Only to find their choir in time.

I love how you describe your son, and am so glad that his personality wasn't squashed through that turmoil of adolescence. Yes, he will definitely find his tribe in college and beyond. I bet he'll be very successful professionally, too.