I told DS to go away

[crunchy_mommy]

Yup.

I don't know what's wrong with me today, I'm just so tired, and I don't feel like doing anything DS wants me to do. He's actually been very calm today but everything he is doing is getting on my nerves (spilling his food, drawing on me with chalk, not going down for his nap... all typical everyday things, he really is being good)... so I was annoyed and told him "just go away." And now (well until a minute ago when he just finally fell asleep) he's saying "go away, go away," over & over. I feel horrible.

I know where I went wrong. I decided to stay home this morning. We almost always go out every morning & thought maybe we'd do something different today. I also was thinking of potty-training but I gave up on that after an hour. I'm just too tired today, & definitely not patient enough to take him to the potty every 10 minutes & wait for another 5 minutes for him to decide whether or not to pee (he desperately wants to potty train & I just can't seem to help him). So we stayed home all morning & did nothing. I wish he'd do something by himself for 5 minutes.

Ironically I finally got out alone for 2 hours last night (a huge rarity)... maybe that taste of 'freedom' made me less tolerant of my real life...

Anyway. The rest of the day will be better, I'm taking him out as soon as he wakes up. But I feel like a rotten parent. Who tells their kid to go away??!?!? And how on earth do you parent on those days when you just don't have anything in you to give?

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Anyway. The rest of the day will be better, I'm taking him out as soon as he wakes up. But I feel like a rotten parent. Who tells their kid to go away??!?!? And how on earth do you parent on those days when you just don't have anything in you to give?

I do!

There have been days when his frustration limit is really low and so is mine...he tends to get violent on days like that. I've moved him firmly away from me and said, "Go play by yourself. Mommy doesn't want to be around you right now."

I'm not saying it's the right way to react...but it's human. If you try to be the perfect super-mom all the time you WILL fail and you WILL get upset about it.

[txbikegrrl]

I asked/told at the time almost 3yo DS to please go away. He said no you go away and repeated it at bed time. I got upset when he peed on himself twice the other day and even though we have had MANY good days lately and have done a LOT of fun fall things he woke up and said "Are you still sad at me mommy" I told him I wasn't mad just frustrated he wasn't focusing and pointing in the toilet and mommy was sad to have to clean up twice. I'm definitely glad we do much more positive stuff but the negative has a big emotional impact. It doesnt seem to help my son's behavior though.

[Petie1104]

I have. I have school online, and if a child comes in during my class I do tell them to go out of this room. DD has a habit of seeing when I'm in school (she can hear it cause the prof. has audio that is used) and she comes in, EVERY TIME, so the first few times I thought she was sincere. Anyway, she walks in, during my class and asks for a hug. So the first few times I gave her a hug and then she started coming in again and again. Finally I had to tell her to just leave the room and not come back until I was done.

I know you feel guilty but sometimes we all need to be left alone, it isn't wrong to ask for that. I would apologize if you said it in a mean tone, but asking for some time isn't a bad thing. Don't worry, he won't be traumatized by this. He may be upset, but that won't last long.

I will also tell my kids that "mommy needs a time-out you go to your room and I'll go to mine". There isn't anything wrong with it. It teaches the kids boundaries, which are important

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm thanks, it's good to hear that I'm not the only one. Maybe I just need to communicate better with him... "Mommy needs a minute or two" sounds so much nicer than "Just go away." And it's heart-breaking to hear him repeating the 'go away' thing. I need to work on my patience though, I really do. I was not cut out to have babies & toddlers lol.

[malayasmommy]

You are a good mom. Anyone who has had a toddler who spends a lot of time around them says things they regret. That's part of parenting, and part of being human. When I have those days I make sure to tell my daughter that mommy was feeling frustrated and mommy said some mean things she shouldn't have, but mommy always loves her no matter how frustrated I get. And I apologize to her. As mom's, we do great things all day long and don't recognize them, and as soon as we slip up we beat ourselves over the head with it. And I know that at some point in the next 1-2 weeks, I will probably need to read this post to remind myself of the same things. Hang in there, better days are sure to come! :-)

[physmom]

If it's a really bad day (like it's been lately with DD not sleeping at all...) then I normally just lay down in the bed shut all the doors that has anything remotely un-child-proofed in them and let her go at it. If she comes over I'll tell her something in the other room to bring to me to get some more seconds. It's not a perfect solution but there are some days that we just need to bum around the house.


I don't think I've ever told DD to go away (well, unless she was trying to look in the stove when I'm cooking, which happens WWAAAAYYY too often ) but I definitely will send her on missions to find something difficult if i need her away from me for whatever reason.

[zinemama]

Oh, believe me, I've said it. They still love me.

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by physmom

If it's a really bad day (like it's been lately with DD not sleeping at all...) then I normally just lay down in the bed shut all the doors that has anything remotely un-child-proofed in them and let her go at it. If she comes over I'll tell her something in the other room to bring to me to get some more seconds. It's not a perfect solution but there are some days that we just need to bum around the house.

I do the same thing at least once a week. Our bedroom is like this bare cool dark haven (with the mattress on the floor). It calls to me sometimes. Even when DD joins me it is so pleasant. I actually should make a point of doing this every day. It is lovely.

I have never said 'that', but I have said something worse once. Seriously, don't beat yourself up.

[Norasmomma]

I've said it a bunch, my DD was a terror of a toddler and I could barely deal with her at times. She would just cling, and follow and tantrum and go crazy. It was downright annoying at times, and yes I've said "go away", "leave me alone"....because I need some time alone to get my bearings. It's ok.

Toddlers are a true test of patience. My DD tested my patience every.single.day. plus I was pg and it was pretty miserable, at times I feel bad because I was pretty grumpy with her. You know what though, she's fine and yes we all say stuff we then feel bad about, it happens. Mistakes are part of being human.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

...

I know where I went wrong. I decided to stay home this morning. We almost always go out every morning & thought maybe we'd do something different today....
Ironically I finally got out alone for 2 hours last night (a huge rarity)... maybe that taste of 'freedom' made me less tolerant of my real life...

Anyway. The rest of the day will be better, I'm taking him out as soon as he wakes up. But I feel like a rotten parent. Who tells their kid to go away??!?!? And how on earth do you parent on those days when you just don't have anything in you to give?

This is all me! DH has pointed out that I'm still grumpy after I get "a break" of a few hours, so why should he even give me time off if it's not going to help? It does help, in the moment, but then it seems to all go out the window as soon as I'm home. In fact, we're having this very same syndrome now. He started 1/2 day preschool yesterday and had a great time. Today he cannot stop crying and whining to save his life.

How do I parent on those days when I have nothing? I don't. I tell him to go away! And I make sure we stay out of the house...

[babydanielsmom]

I've always said that taking care of toddlers and newborns should be part of the Navy SEALS training It's hard work but sooo worth yk. There is nothing wrong with you needing a minute to yourself. If your a SAHM or even WOHM you are "on" all the time and every "worker" needs a break now and then. When I have one of the days you are describing I have the tune Mama Said There'd Be Days like this running through my head! Oh, and don't forget the next day is always better

[justKate]

Aww, crunchy mommy, you are way too hard on yourself. Sometimes you need space! And everyone has days where they aren't exactly who they want to be all day. It's okay!

Maybe there's a way to set aside some "alone time" every day--here's what Huz and I do. The hour before our bedtime routine starts is "grown up time." During this time, DD (20 mos.) can either play by herself, sit on the couch with daddy, or we can start bathtime early. She almost always decides to play, and i use the time to work on whatever little sewing project I have going on or zone out on the internet. Point is, there's nothing wrong with telling your toddler that you need a little mommy time. Next time tell him "its time to play by yourself for a little while." Same thing, but it might make you feel better.

And don't beat yourself up. You are a really great mama to him.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by babydanielsmom

I've always said that taking care of toddlers and newborns should be part of the Navy SEALS training r

Actually, my brother went through SERE training (hardcore military stuff) and said that when they were being held captive part of what they did for "mind games" was play a tape of a little girl calling for her Mommy...for HOURS on a loop. I've heard of them playing the sound of a baby crying for hours on end too...
So yeah, it wears on you after a while. Enough so that they use it in military training. I keep this in mind when my son is having a rough day!

[sleepingbeauty]

Originally Posted by AFWife

Actually, my brother went through SERE training (hardcore military stuff) and said that when they were being held captive part of what they did for "mind games" was play a tape of a little girl calling for her Mommy...for HOURS on a loop. I've heard of them playing the sound of a baby crying for hours on end too...
So yeah, it wears on you after a while. Enough so that they use it in military training. I keep this in mind when my son is having a rough day!

Your brother is amazing! I could never go through training the way they do. I wouldn't survive Basic!


OP--Everyone does in their own way. You're not a bad mama. You're jsut having one of "those" days. Hang in there.

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow to the military training thing!! That certainly makes me feel a little better!!

Thanks everyone for the suggestions & just for sharing, it's good to know that everyone really does have days like this & I'm not a horrible mom... I am definitely going to at least work on rephrasing "go away" to "Mommy needs some alone time"... I do have a 'safe room' (our bedroom with mattress on the floor) but maybe I need to switch out the toys in there or something since DS wants nothing to do with them lately. And remove the books... reading another 50 books to him is not what I want to do when I need a 'mommy time out'.

Originally Posted by justKate

Maybe there's a way to set aside some "alone time" every day--here's what Huz and I do. The hour before our bedtime routine starts is "grown up time." During this time, DD (20 mos.) can either play by herself, sit on the couch with daddy, or we can start bathtime early. She almost always decides to play, and i use the time to work on whatever little sewing project I have going on or zone out on the internet. Point is, there's nothing wrong with telling your toddler that you need a little mommy time. Next time tell him "its time to play by yourself for a little while." Same thing, but it might make you feel better.

I have been trying hard to get him to play by himself. I certainly have no expectation that he'll sit for hours on end & play alone... but I do think at 20mos old I should reasonably be able to sit nearby while he plays by himself for 5 minutes. Instead, he tells me "mommy WAKE UP!" (which means don't lay down) or "no book, bye bye book" (so I can't read) and the worst, "bye bye Daddy" (no cuddling DH). Then he repeatedly climbs up into my lap and pulls & grabs at me & screams until I do whatever he wants (nurse for the 30000th time, read ANOTHER book, etc.) All I want is 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES. Am I being unreasonable? Am I going about it the wrong way??? I can't even imagine doing a sewing project or something, it's unfathomable to me, because I can't even sit down without a major meltdown.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by sleepingbeauty

Your brother is amazing! I could never go through training the way they do. I wouldn't survive Basic!

Yeah, he said of all the things they played the little girl crying for Mommy was the hardest one to sit and listen to...

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I have been trying hard to get him to play by himself. I certainly have no expectation that he'll sit for hours on end & play alone... but I do think at 20mos old I should reasonably be able to sit nearby while he plays by himself for 5 minutes. Instead, he tells me "mommy WAKE UP!" (which means don't lay down) or "no book, bye bye book" (so I can't read) and the worst, "bye bye Daddy" (no cuddling DH). Then he repeatedly climbs up into my lap and pulls & grabs at me & screams until I do whatever he wants (nurse for the 30000th time, read ANOTHER book, etc.) All I want is 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES. Am I being unreasonable? Am I going about it the wrong way??? I can't even imagine doing a sewing project or something, it's unfathomable to me, because I can't even sit down without a major meltdown.

Some kids just don't play alone. It's a personality thing. My brother was like that. *I* could care less about people playing with me (I liked alone best) but he always had to be entertained.

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by sleepingbeauty

Your brother is amazing! I could never go through training the way they do. I wouldn't survive Basic!

Hey, I am a SERE graduate. Can you believe that? It is actually not that hard. The S (survival) E (evasion) was much harder than the R (resistance) part. The POW part (resistance) was not fun, but you would be surprised what we can get through, YKWIM? The worse part was getting the s#it slapped out of me by a female interrogator.

As far as the baby crying. I didn't get that one. I got a squealing pig looped for about 48 hours. That and some screaching and a bizarre poem being read over and over. The pig really got to me. It sounded like a baby pig was being tortured to death.

sorry, couldn;t resist this brag.

[AirMiami]

I've said it, usually after she inflicts some kind of physical pain on me like nipple biting. Nipple biting is no joke!

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I have been trying hard to get him to play by himself. I certainly have no expectation that he'll sit for hours on end & play alone... but I do think at 20mos old I should reasonably be able to sit nearby while he plays by himself for 5 minutes. Instead, he tells me "mommy WAKE UP!" (which means don't lay down) or "no book, bye bye book" (so I can't read) and the worst, "bye bye Daddy" (no cuddling DH). Then he repeatedly climbs up into my lap and pulls & grabs at me & screams until I do whatever he wants (nurse for the 30000th time, read ANOTHER book, etc.) All I want is 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES. Am I being unreasonable? Am I going about it the wrong way??? I can't even imagine doing a sewing project or something, it's unfathomable to me, because I can't even sit down without a major meltdown.

My DD would rarely sit down, alone and play by herself. It was like a miracle had happened if she did, she did watch TV though and I had zero problem with putting Noggin once in awhile because YK it was better for me to get a 5 minute break and have her watch a little "boob tube" than for me to be a screaming freak of a mom. I find that people expect way too much in terms of doing everything *just right*. I guess for me the age from oh 18 months-2.5 was the toughest with her, I really didn't like being the mom to a non-stop, non-listening, running away toddler She'd go from dawn to dusk, not take a nap and then fight sleeping. It was rough. Learning to be a good mom is really a work in progress, for me realizing that my expectations for myself were at times unrealistic and the same for DD it made me a better mom.

Some kids are sitters, some are movers, I am a mom to the latter.