Hubby not into pregnant sex, feeling NEEDY and insecure :(

[JFTB1177]

Anyone else go through this? This is our third baby, and while we didn't have much sex during those pregnancies either, it seems like hubby esp doesn't want to this time. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy all the time, and will do things like smack my butt and kiss me, etc. There is definitely affection, and we have a great relationship. Early on in the pregnancy he didn't seem turned off but now I am almost 28 weeks and getting HUGE. We have had sex maybe a few times this entire pregnancy, which is fine because my sex drive hasn't been the highest. But there are times I want it. Today I brought the topic up and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings but there is a stronger odor "down there" now that I am pregnant (which I am embarrassed to admit he is right about, I've noticed it too). I take 1-2 showers a day because I always feel so unclean during pregnancy, so I don't know why I have these weird smells. Also, the last time we had sex I already had a belly and was paranoid the whole time we were doing "it" that he was being too rough and I kept telling him to stop, etc, and I could tell at the time it was ruining it for him. He told me today that he loves sex with me when I'm not pregnant but it's just not "fun" right now.
I appreciate his honestly, and really, it's not that I need the sex so much, I just want to feel close to him. And I am feeling really rejected, on top of feeling fat and unattractive right now- and it's making me feel insecure. Thank goodness only 3 more months to go!

Anyone else go through this and how did you deal?

[stormgirl]

I went through this---with my ex---. He didn't want to come anywhere near me for my entire pg with my youngest. Though I have to say tht sex was intermittent in our relationship anyway, and surprising that conception even occurred. He was freaked out by my large size, and freaked out in general. My self esteem took a huge dive. It was big joke with the midwives when they asked wht we were going to do about birth control...I was thinking ---shi#, we're going to be abstinent, I can see that from here! Needless to say, in the 2 years after ds's birth, we barely found any intimacy sexual or otherwise, and we split ways.

This time around, I can't get enough with my dp, and he is totally into it. I feel like I'm making up for all I've missed.

It sounds like you have a great relationship, and the companionability makes for a good and richer connection. Sorry it's not so 'hot', but I'm sure if you keep your rapport strong, you will get it back again once the baby comes. I don't know how large your belly is, but it's definitely more of a challenge to make sex sexy in the 3rd trimester, for me! Gymnastics pregnant isn't my forte.

[Tresa]

I think it's fair that they get a little weirded out when you're blooming huge pregnant...even I get a little freaked out by the way my body is late in pregnancy. But up until then, when your body is getting round and lovely and hormones are surging and there's all the extra blood flow down there...they would be smart to exalt in their woman's extra sexiness and dive in!

What about scented candles?

Are you eating a lot of sugar, sometimes overloaded bacteria or having a heavy yeast population in the vag can cause stronger odor, even if the bacteria/yeast isn't causing you any problems otherwise. Maybe take extra probiotics and see if that doesn't mellow things out?

My fiance has to kind of forget that there's a baby hanging out with us when we have sex lately. I understand that he's sometimes taking one for the team and having sex when he may not be totally into it...positioning so he doesn't see much belly, not asking him to rub my tummy while we're fooling around, etc. helps those times.

And, if all else fails, it is temporary. Right?

[karanyavel]

Mmm.. vaginal odor. Fun stuff, right?

Soap is a huge culprit (as is douching in some cases). A gentle, ph-balanced cleanser intended for your lady parts may help a lot with this problem.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm semi-incontinent due to MS and not only have to deal with the usual pregnancy odors but that of urine as well (I dribble throughout the day and wear pads for protection)!

I've found that some of the unscented/lightly scented freshening wipes work wonders before intimacy.

--K

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

My partners into sex when ever he can get it. Lol! I'm the one who holds off.

I wanted to comment on the smell problem. I had that too and I was really embarrassed about it as well. Turns out I had bacterial vaginosis which gives off a fishy smell and I needed to take antibiotics to get rid of it. So I would check with your midwife or doctor just in case that's the problem. There are diet changes you can make as well as other homeopathic methods. I went the antibiotic route because I was just sick of it at that point and not willing to give up my cookies! Lol!

[la mamita]

He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy all the time, and will do things like smack my butt and kiss me, etc. There is definitely affection, and we have a great relationship.

this is good and i think you can build on this, if you both sit down and talk about your feelings and desires.

he says it's not "fun"--why? what about it isn't fun? what could you two do together that is fun? if you aren't going to have sex, what about doing other things together that are pleasurable for the both of you? (um, fill in the blanks there) pregnancy is a great time to try new positions. i don't think i can get very detailed here due to the UA...but i feel like there is definitely a way to work around both of your needs and desires as long as you are both willing to communicate honestly.

[kawa kamuri]

Perhaps I missed it, but have you talked with your care provider about the odour? I'd be concerned if it were me.

[bcblondie]

I went through a similar thing. Dh told me it was just awkward with the belly. Which could be true, since it really slowed down once I popped really far out there. But there are ways and positions around it... So I guess I resented that he didn't try harder. Because I definately had sex drive while pregnant.
But either way. I couldn't help but feel he was losing his attraction to me. I guess I'll never know for sure. That's one thign I dread about pregnancy.

[JFTB1177]

Thanks for the advice! I am pretty sure it's not bacterial vaginosis, I've had that once or twice before and I know what that smells like. It's not a "fishy" smell, just a stronger vaginal smell than normal. And I'm embarrassed to say this, but he said it smells like urine at times too.

I really appreciate you guys sharing such personal things, it really makes me feel not so alone!

la mamita- he said it's not fun because he worries about the baby, it's awkward, we can only do the side position, and I'm paranoid the whole time.

karanyavel- wow, I had no idea soap can cause odor!!! Do you have any suggestions for some gentle cleansers?

Tresa- yes!! I AM eating a lot of sugar! Funny, because when not PG I don't like sweet and sugary stuff, but when PG that's all I want! That's good to know, thanks... I will be laying off of it! lol

[allisonrose]

My hubby is not into pg sex either. He worries about the baby getting harmed. I guess it's lucky for me that I don't have too much of a sex drive after chasing a toddler throughout the day.

Although my hubby doesn't tell me anything about being beautiful or sexy. (The closest he gets is when I complain I look fat and he says "you're pregnant".) Nor is he particularly physically affectionate which is typical of him. :sigh:

[JFTB1177]

I'm feeling really weepy today. I just feel so alone sometimes... DH is working and I'm home with the kids, without a car. I feel so bored and sad. I feel so NEEDY too and I HATE that! ugh. Needy and pathetic. I hate feeling like I am desperate for attention from my husband. Last night he spent hours on the computer doing his fantasy football drafts (he belongs to half a dozen leagues, as well as fantasy basketball)... he deserves doing things that are fun to him, esp since he is such a hard worker, but I miss the intimacy.

Man what is wrong with me????

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by allisonrose

My hubby is not into pg sex either. He worries about the baby getting harmed. I guess it's lucky for me that I don't have too much of a sex drive after chasing a toddler throughout the day.

Although my hubby doesn't tell me anything about being beautiful or sexy. (The closest he gets is when I complain I look fat and he says "you're pregnant".) Nor is he particularly physically affectionate which is typical of him. :sigh:

I'm sorry (((hugs))). Have you found anything that keeps you from feeling needy? That's how I am feeling now and I hate it!

[Max'sMama]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

Tresa- yes!! I AM eating a lot of sugar! Funny, because when not PG I don't like sweet and sugary stuff, but when PG that's all I want! That's good to know, thanks... I will be laying off of it! lol

I don't know if it has been mentioned or not, I haven't read through the end yet, but sugar cravings in pregnancy often are a sign of needing protein. So maybe you could up your protein when you crave sugars!

[Virginia884]

This is my first pregnancy and DH didn't want to come near me when we first found out. He got over it and we're back to normal (me initiating intimate time and wearing my nice matchy match underwear/bras helped- he realized he did in fact want it). But during that time I let him know that I needed his attention, even if it wasn't in the form of sex. Have you told your DH the things you've told us? This especially sounds reasonable and logical to me-

it's not that I need the sex so much, I just want to feel close to him. And I am feeling really rejected, on top of feeling fat and unattractive right now- and it's making me feel insecure.

I would share that with him and see if he can give you the attention you deserve in other ways.

[EnchantedMamma]

I would make a point of letting him know that thanks to your hormones, this is a really sexual and exciting time for you to be intimate with him.

Sure, pressuring him won't work, but at least make sure he knows how much it would mean.

Would he be more comfortable with the lights out so that he can focus? Sometimes it's fun that way anyways

As for the odor, if it's just 'off', well, hormones DO change things. If it's 'bad' then def. talk to your midwife and consider that it could be a yeast issue.

Also, b vitamins/vitamins can show up as can things like broccoli and asparagus. Maybe see if a few days of mild foods helps.

I know pineapple changes mens' 'stuff' for the better; maybe it works for women too?

[Knittin Mama]

I've experienced the "off" odor before, and after battling recurrent BV, and determining the antibiotics were doing more harm than good to my body, I made some changes recommended by my FNP and by many of the women I found on a board who have struggled with recurrent BV, sadly some off and on for years. Craziest thing ever but...I stopped washing down below. Best advice my NP ever gave me. She said, "Consider your girl bits a self cleaning oven, leave it alone to do its own cleaning, all it needs is a little rinsing off with water." So, I only rinse with water. I know, it takes a bit to wrap your head around that. If you use scented bathsoap, stop. I had to switch to dove sensitive skin for the rest of my body, and so did my partner (anything that touches his bits ends up touching yours too ). I had to separate our undies from everything else and use only "All free and clear". That's it, no fabric softener or any other additives. I also only use "bounce free" dryer sheets. There is a specific brand of pantyliners to avoid due to fragrance as well as having a history of causing irritation for many people, but for the life of me I can't remember the name. Also, only cotton panties. (okay so I fudge on that one occasionally, a girl can only go so long w/o dressing up a bit ya know) I also started taking three probiotics, the Jarro brand with the yellow cap, Culturelle, as well as L. Reuteri. I know it sounds like a lot, but since I started taking them I've not had any problems. I've been able to back off on them now that I have my happy flora re-established. And remember that anything with a fragrance is code word for chemical. You're putting something on a very delicately balanced area, that something that's made to cover the smell is probably only making things worse. If you're really want to wear something scented try some scented body lotion on your arms, or a spritz of perfume to your neck Try lighting a semi-strong scented candle during intimate times, and I agree with several of the posts above, you can get that intimacy you're craving from holding and touching and snuggling skin to skin, sex can involve intimacy, but intimacy can happen without sex. Hope I've helped. If you have any questions please PM me. Try not to get too discouraged! This too shall pass!