AP and driving

[TreeRose]

Hi all,
I am mother to new DD 8/29/10 and one year into my marriage with DH 10/10/09...
I read about AP via Dr. Sears and totally believe in it. Planned on practicing it throughout the pregnancy and am very responsive to DD's cries.
My question that keeps arising inside of me throughout some experiences, is how do you practice AP when in the car? I'm used to rocking her to sleep in a wrap on a bouncy ball with ssshhhuuussshhhiiinnggg noises. In the car sometimes she cries herself to sleep and I ache inside. I pull over whenever I think she's hungry, but there are times I know she just doesn't want to be in the car seat and there's nothing I can do!
What do you do? How do you feel about it? Is there a "right" way to handle this?
I don't get out much - some errands once a week and once a month a 3 hr trip to visit family (with at least 1 stop on the way for feeding, hugging, changing, etc.)
So curious your thoughts...

[Knitting Mama]

It's a hard one, mama, for sure. My nearly-7-month-old still doesn't like long drives, and until about 4 months old hated short ones too. I made it a point to not go anywhere more than 10 minutes from home without my husband, and saved the 15-20 minute ones for when he was home and I could ride in the back with her.

There are some general suggestions, some of which might help you (though they didn't help my Cecilia). Try radio static for white noise, a mirror, if she's in a bucket style seat switch to a convertible, loud music, and no music. If none of those work, hold tight. In another month or thereabout she'll be more interactive with toys, and that also helps sometimes. But for my girl, it was just a matter of her outgrowing it.

The thing I would recommend the most though is to not take the 3 hour trip once a month. Can your family visit you while she's young? Sometimes compromises have to be struck in the name of doing what's best for your babe.

[Snapdragon]

we used a pacifier for many months in the beginning. Now at 7 months he is happier with a toy to hold and chew- he sits behhind me on the drivers side so I can reach back and touch him and put in the paci if he does need i. If he is really upset I pull over and get out and open the door and talk to him and look at eachother, and then start up again. every baby has a different temperament about the car, but making sure the car seat is comfortable (no diggin gin straps etc) and offering a paci are helpful. I also turn on the radio and sing a long.

[SeattleRain]

Does she like to be swaddled? If so, perhaps try this. It has a slot for the carseat buckle and because its thin jersey, I'm comfortable putting baby in the carseat with this swaddle on. I find it helps soothe him and I've even used it for nighttime driving to encourage him to sleep.

[TreeRose]

I really appreciate your experiences. Thank you! Good thoughts too! Sometimes I think to myself, Okay, if we were at home, I'd be holding her to me but she'd still be crying. In the car, I sit in the backseat and bring my body as close to hers as I can without smothering. We hold hands and usually I'm in tears too. If she makes eye contact with me, I lose it. Then I know she's hungry. Otherwise it's just these cries, staring off in space that are tired cries... I can usually soothe her to sleep if that's the case, but ugh, we got stuck in traffic once and she woke up hungry. I thought I'd die.

We are a 1 car family, so we do it all together. That really helps! And DH does a lot of the errands unless I need to go (groceries for instance sometimes, or clothes trying on...)

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama

The thing I would recommend the most though is to not take the 3 hour trip once a month. Can your family visit you while she's young? Sometimes compromises have to be struck in the name of doing what's best for your babe.

Ah, I wish. My DH is jobless right now but does energy healing work and his clients are 3 hours away so we stay with his mom for 2 night while he spends a day seeing them so we can bring in SOME money while job-hunting.... sigh. If it's not one thing, it's another!

[Knitting Mama]

Can he just go then, and leave you two at home? Remember, this isn't forever. Most babies outgrow car hatred by 6 months or so, especially if they are in a convertible.

[octobermom]

some car trips can not be avoided... I have to strap my 7 month old in the car every afternoon to pick up my DD from school she HATES it not soo much the car ride but the SLOW start stop pick up line if the car is moving shes is okay but the stalling UGG!!! I do the best I talk I sing I play music I make sure we get in a good nursing secession before but honestly its more a matter of time.. the first few months is the hardest... Its deffiently a lot better now but try to be patient.. Some suggestions..
1) try to stay calm comfort but remember baby can feed off of us.. IF they hear panic and worry about being in a car in our voices it may just confirm their fear... Now obviously bitty ones aren't THAT sosphiciated but a calm voice and reassurance can go along way//

2)plan on adding at least 20 mintues to every hour of a long car trip.. So 3 hours plan on at least a 4 hour car ride and plan to stop get out change nurse ect each hour..(unless they are sleeping NEVER EVER wake a car sleeping child...)

[Blessed1]

Great thread. I wonder the same thing. We switched our little one to a convertible car seat, which helped a little. But I just don't think she likes being strapped in at all. There are times when she just doesn't cry at all and then there are those times when she screams (She is 4months).

I've come to realize that she usually cries when she is tired. If we go for our car ride right after a nap and feed she is usually fine. But if she is in need of a nap and we are out and about, she will cry as soon as she gets strapped in. My LO never takes a paci (she spits it out or chews on it) but she WILL take it in the car! lol About 3mins of sucking and she knocks out. Other times if I am sitting in the back with her and she starts to cry hysterically, I will let her suck on my pinky finger and it immediately calms her and she falls asleep fast. Those are the only 2 tricks that work for us.
I try to only take her out after a nap to avoid the cry.

[HappyMonkey]

I can actually nurse our baby in her car seat (bucket and now convertible). It makes drives when I can be in the back MUCH easier as she just nurses to sleep. If you can't reach (I don't think most can) then maybe express into a bottle to help on the long drives.

Our baby also didn't enjoy the car extrememly about 6 months or so, but at 10 she's fine now. I just have a stream of toys to pass her from the front seat... and food helps alot.. one teething cracker keeps her busy for 30 min,

[EdnaMarie]

I used soothing music (safe), letting her suck the finger of the hand I was not steering with (unsafe), putting her in the carseat exhausted (safe), binkies (safe but futile).

We hold hands and usually I'm in tears too. If she makes eye contact with me, I lose it. Then I know she's hungry.

Any way you could nurse her? I nursed both mine in the car when I wasn't driving.

I also agree that one stop on a three-hour trip for a long, 30-minute boobfest is not too much. I would always have planned that much.

Good luck. It's tough but sometimes safety requires that our little ones are away from us a bit.

[P.J.]

My baby's also a car-hater and will scream bloody murder. It sucks. I get so affected by it too, it's truly awful.
I have to say, at 5 months he has gotten much better. He still fusses sometimes and occasionally will start the full-throttle screaming, but the older he gets, the more quiet car rides we've had. So, part of it is just bearing it and waiting it out.
There have been a lot of good suggestions here, like trying the convertible seat, playing music (we play the same music we use for getting him to sleep), or you could try feeding him from a bottle (if you're in the back with him).

I second the question of whether or not you really absolutely must go on that regular 3 hour car trip with your partner. This time is short in your baby's life and while I understand wanting to support and be with your partner, the baby should really come first. We just had to cancel a trip we were planning to go by train but then realized we'd have to drive ~3 hours~ and we just said forget it. It's not worth the agony, for all of us, when DS is so miserable in his little car seat. Believe me I know how much it sucks, but we too have had to rearrange our lives and use the car much less just to minimize the screaming.

Whatever you do, hang in there. It does get better as they get older.

[TreeRose]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your thoughts...
I definitely will be going on the monthly trip. It's really not an option to be left alone with an infant for 3 days when we're brand new to this state and our closest family is 3 hours away. And I don't know if I'm ready to be alone with her for 3 days. DH provides much needed relief several times a day / night. Plus his WHOLE family is there and this is their opportunity to see the first grandchild / great-grandchild / niece etc... Plus, holidays...
If she sleeps, it goes well.
If not, it hurts.
I really appreciate all of your thoughts. I just couldn't help but wonder what AP says about it. I respond to every cry day or night at home but once or twice a week I have to get out of the house and being in the car is rough. I believe it will get better.
Just yesterday she was awake and staring at her fingers for a long time (15 min?) before she started crying. It was sweet to see her entertain herself.
Ya know, I actually thought about nursing her while in the car. I figure I can lean forward enough to stick it in her mouth.
She screams violently if shown a paci but I might try in the car - thanks!

[P.J.]

For the 3 hour trip: could you do it at night? I just know from reading this forum for awhile now that some people do unavoidable long road trips in the middle of the night so there's more of a chance of the baby sleeping through. If I had to make such a trip, I'd try my best to do it at nighttime for that reason. GL!

[Schae]

My 6 week old also hates the car. It sucks majorly! I think you're doing the best you can with the circumstances you find yourself in. The crying is awful, but you are not ignoring her cries maliciously kwim? We try using a paci, he seems to love The Cranberries and I try to time our car trips for after a nap and a feed.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that AP and any other 'parenting philosophy' isn't something carved in stone, it's all about what works for YOUR family. So in my opinion, there isn't an "AP way" of doing everything, you take what works and adapt it for your situation - so your own version of AP. I'm very wary of labels - you are you and your daughter is who she is, try not to get hung up on a particular way of doing things - you are individuals.

And you ARE responding to her cries - even if you cannot pick her up. You are soothing her in the best way you know how.

[lookatreestar]

my kids never cried as babies only in the car so we just never went anywhere, or we made the trips short and i would sit in the back next to them and nurse them if needed.

honestly i cannot drive if someone is crying. i will pull over and nurse my almost 18 month old to sleep rather than hear him fuss it out to sleep. but that's just me.

oh and i don't take them out. that always makes it worse for my kids, even as toddlers i just nurse them while in the seat. of course for roadtrips or being in the car for more than an hour i would take them out. and yes by 4/5 months they seem to out grow it even though i still nurse them in the car because it is easier for everyone involved lol

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by Schae

My 6 week old also hates the car. It sucks majorly! I think you're doing the best you can with the circumstances you find yourself in. The crying is awful, but you are not ignoring her cries maliciously kwim? We try using a paci, he seems to love The Cranberries and I try to time our car trips for after a nap and a feed.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that AP and any other 'parenting philosophy' isn't something carved in stone, it's all about what works for YOUR family. So in my opinion, there isn't an "AP way" of doing everything, you take what works and adapt it for your situation - so your own version of AP. I'm very wary of labels - you are you and your daughter is who she is, try not to get hung up on a particular way of doing things - you are individuals.

And you ARE responding to her cries - even if you cannot pick her up. You are soothing her in the best way you know how.

i disagree, even if you aren't ignoring the cries maliciously they are still upset and they don't know why.
you have the choice to not put her in the car
or stop the car and attend to her needs (once mine was crying and i did get him out, he burped and was fine to go back in the seat).

for my kids personally they don't/didn't just cry for no reason there was always something so i chose to do whatever i could to get to the bottom of it. (and it didn't include just driving with them crying in the back) obviously not all kids are like this so ymmv

[octobermom]

you have the choice to not put her in the car
or stop the car and attend to her needs (once mine was crying and i did get him out, he burped and was fine to go back in the seat).

One doesn't alway have that choice.. I had no choice but to put my unhappy NB in the car every afternoon at 2:40 knowing very well she'd be misserable.. Stopping made things way worse cause it jsut stalled the trip longer. We sometimes do the best we can make sure we feed before try voice music a toy maybe avoid what trips are not needed but its jsut feesable to just not get into a car for months at a time.
I agree lo don't necessarly cry for no reason I do believe sometimes the reasons can be as "simple" as they don't want to be in the car its big and new and scarry.. Our voices are soothing talking and using our voices to help sooth is not ingnoring crying.

Deanna

[KellyandBean]

That was SO hard when they are really little like that and have a hard time with the car. My DD was very colicky so she had a lot of screaming car rides when she was little. We would always do our best to pull over when we could and calm her but sometimes there just wasn't much we could do and she would have to cry for 5 minuets or so until we reached the next exit. We would have someone sit in the back and hold her hand and pet her face and give her a pacifier but mostly it was just something we had to wait out. By about 4 or 5 months she got a lot better at car rides and now at 8 months she will go just fine for about an hour awake and even longer if we travel during nap times. I think if you have a babe that had a hard time with the car the most AP thing to do is to not take many unnecessary car rides until they get older and can handle it better and to find things like relaxing music and pacifiers to help them as much as you can. Hang in there it will get better!!!

[dakotablue]

I just wanted to add, we never drove anywhere for the first 8 months unless it was DS nap time, or over night. He would fall asleep on his own in the carseat, but the few times he wasn't ready I buckled him up put the car on and nursed him until he did then drove.

Once he woke up when we were on the way to the ped. when he was 2 months, I cried so hard and it was only 10 minutes but it was so hard for him I couldn't do it again.

Oh short short car rides were ok with light entertaining. (like the 1 mile to grocery store)

[lrgs]

I really think there has to be a balance........of course I don't want YDD to cry in the car......I hate hearing her upset........but sometimes we do have leave the house, that is just a fact of life. I always make sure she is changed and fed before we go and we are lucky she isn't a huge car crier.....it's not very often she cries but when she does we do what we can to soothe her. We can't always stop immediately and like pp said, sometimes that just prolongs the trip and makes it worse. Unfortunately we don't have room for me to fit between the girls carseats in my backseat so I can't even sit back there with them. My older DD is in activites (swimming, playgroup) and those things are very important to her.......we both tend to go stir crazy if we are confined to the house all day, every day. I had PPD with first DD because she screamed and screamed so I was trapped in the house with her....obviously this wasn't the cause of my PPD but being isolated like that did contribute.