have you waived child support?

[Kino]

I am losing my mind over here with the Ex

He "lost" his second job a few months ago. I put lost in quotes because knowing him he intentionally quit.

Our divorce agreement is in review again. Once again he is asking me to waive his child support for good. At least as of now I doubt he will owe child support, but if he were to get another second job or the economy improved he would definitely owe child support again.

So under what agreement would you waive child support if ever? I know a few of you here have mentioned waiving child support because your ex supports the kids in other ways.

As of now he pays 50% private school (other half is scholarship), 100% health insurance, 100% medical, dental, vision (though she rarely needs it and it is pulling teeth to get reimbursement, but it's been a good safety net so far), and he has 50% custody. Obviously he made a very good income, but now it's average. He is also saying that we may have to pull her out of private school at the end of the year so the school deviation may be lost soon.

It is a MIGRAINE to get him to pay his child support! I feel like it would be a release for me to waive the thing, but I also fear it may be me just giving up
I know you guys understand what it is like to be harassed by the ex and how slow and ridiculous the court system is (I may never fully get her child support anyway).

Should I add something along the lines of he pays 100% of her school needs and extracurricular and hobby costs? I am afraid once I waive support he'll raise his income again. As long as my daughter is provided for I don't care about "child support" in general.

[la mamita]

In your situation, no, I would not waive child support. It's much easier to enforce and has more legal bite to it (office dedicated to collecting child support and tracking down deadbeat parents) than just a court agreement which would most likely require you going to court in order to enforce, if he decides to slack off on your new agreement. I do think that by waiving child support you are basically "giving up" and letting him get off the hook as far as his responsibility. If he sees you are serious about enforcing child support and realizes that he faces legal consequences to not paying, that is a much bigger incentive to him actually paying in the end.

That said, I did agree to reduce the child support amount to about 1/3 of what Friend of the Court offered me because I knew my ex was moving to a developing country where his earning prospects would be much lower. I wanted to have the amount be feasible for him, while still have that legal obligation standing. Still haven't seen a penny of that money though....

[Jessnet]

I think I need some clarification to answer.

Is there difference between 50% custody and joint custody?
Does your ex have actual physical custody of your child 50% of the time, or does he just have 50% joint legal custody with EOW standard visitation?

This is an important distinction because, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a true 50-50 physical split negate CS is most cases? I've heard rumors that some courts won't order CS in this situation - only if there is a large discrepancy in incomes? The theory behind it being that you both are providing equally for the child during equal physical time.

I haven't had any experience with 50% splitting like that.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Jessnet

I've heard rumors that some courts won't order CS in this situation - only if there is a large discrepancy in incomes?

yup this is correct.

that is why i have refused CS....

but my situation is unique. ex makes a decent amount under the table. i am a poor student. while there is a discrepancy it is not that much.

... however ex is responsible for almost all the extras. like clothes, shoes, costume needs.

so while he doesnt pay me CS - which would be very little anyways... he does take care of school supplies. etc. so in a way i look at it as CS.

however none of this is court ordered. we have nothing on paper.

which is why i said our situation was different OP.

but in your case no i would not strike it off. i would not change something that is already established. neither though would i make him pay all. i would do what is fair in the situation. however i am obviously not knowledgable about this. i know other mama's are. and i would imagine you would get better answers after the weekend.

[cycle]

No, I would not waive it.

Situations like these are why I feel so strongly that child support should be out of the parents' hands. It should not be negotiable, its for the children and if it was out of the parents' hands it would prevent dads who have to pay cs from harassing the moms into agreeing to a lesser amount or even no support. I know that sometimes (rarely) its the moms who have to pay support, I am just going with the common scenario. FTR, I have never received one penny of child support.

[nola79]

No, I would not waive it.

For me, personally, the only way I would waive cs was if XH would give up all parental rights.

[Smithie]

"For me, personally, the only way I would waive cs was if XH would give up all parental rights."

Bingo. If he doesn't want to be the dad, fine and dandy. If he wants parental rights, then he has parental responsibilities.

If you waive support, that private school tuition will never be paid again. It may never be paid again anyhow, but as a PP said, CS is easier to pursue. Better a kid in public school with a legally airtight right to monthly financial support than a kid and mom walking on eggshells around "dad" trying not to give him a reason to take away "privileges" like tuition, school supplies, extracurriculars...

[One_Girl]

Where I live, according to the judge who taught our divorce with kids class, a judge will pull the case in automatically if you waive it and they often don't allow it because the support is for the kids not the parent. They calculate unemployed people at minimum wage here and that can mean that one parent owes another support if the visitation schedule is 50/50 and one parent makes more than minimum wage. If that is the case there then it may be worth it for now so you don't have to pay him.

[zebra15]

NO WAY... I would much rather have a 'balance due' so to say then to walk away from the potential of $$.

And now whats with this business of 'maybe having to stop the private school'.... hummm sounds to me like ex isnt being so fair after all.

I live in AZ and the division of child support is VERY slow and that is on their fastest day. However the wheels of justice do turn... I still vote for let your balance climb and eventually you will collect it!

[Goodmom2008]

I would not waive child support. And I would ask your ex for proof that he was laid off. If he got fired because of his actions or quit, the courts will probably impute income to him. My ex found this one out the hard way.

Even if he doesn't pay it, should he come into an inheritance, you can go after it to pay for any arrears. Should he win the lottery, you will be able to go after it to pay any arrears.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Jessnet

This is an important distinction because, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a true 50-50 physical split negate CS is most cases? I've heard rumors that some courts won't order CS in this situation - only if there is a large discrepancy in incomes? The theory behind it being that you both are providing equally for the child during equal physical time.

Yeah, as far as I know, when there is equal parenting time, cs is calculated by determining what each parent would receive, and then giving to the one who would recieve more the difference. If its not much (less than $100/month) then I would probably waive, so long as other expenses were split and it was in a court order.

Otherwise, NO WAY IN HE!! would I waive. Kids are EXPENSIVE to raise - and unless I had enough money that I could afford it (which is unlikely, b/c single mothers have the least amount of wealth of any other demographic I believe), I wouldn't waive it.

ESPECIALLY since you have a gut feeling that he is going to raise his income again once you do waive it.

Have you gone to court and actually filed for child support? Judges are NOT nice about this sort of thing (they are to mom's, NOT to the support owing fathers who play these games)

[smeep]

IMO, I wouldn't change anything if I were you. I wonder if quitting his job was partially (if not fully) just a ploy to get you to feel sorry for him "getting fired" so you'll waive the child support. And how is he going to pay any of that other stuff (school, medical, dental, vision) if he doesn't have a job? I'm sorry but YOU don't get a "free pass" on paying for your DD so why should he?

That's just how I see it. But I'm used to UAV "fathers" who pull child support crap.

More importantly, just think of it this way...what happens if you realise it was NOT a good decision? If it leaves you in a really crappy situation? There probably wouldn't be any going back because a lot of judges would say, "Well, you waived it. If you couldn't afford to do that, you should have thought about that before you waived it." Kwim?

If you REALLY think the child support isn't a big deal, then keep it as it is and put the child support in its own account where NEITHER of you touch it. It can be saved for college, or for random child needs as they crop up (you have a girl - imagine how much her prom and homecoming and other dresses will be lol)...or, when she's out of the house and no longer living with you, you can give it back to your ex. But I say keep it coming in, even if you don't spend it, because you DO NOT want to regret waiving it.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Kino

It is a MIGRAINE to get him to pay his child support! I feel like it would be a release for me to waive the thing, but I also fear it may be me just giving up

I know you guys understand what it is like to be harassed by the ex and how slow and ridiculous the court system is (I may never fully get her child support anyway).

Oh, and to address this... if it's a migraine to GET him to pay, then just stop actively FIGHTING it. When you go to court, keep strong that he should pay child support, DO NOT waive it. But when every month comes around, don't bother telling him he needs to pay it. On the rare occasion that he does, just look at it as a, "Woo! Surprise money I wasn't counting on!" thing. That's what my sister did with my niece's biodad, and so that's what I do with my son's biodad. Whenever court comes up again (I need to get it reevaluated due to minimum wage going up and him getting married) I'll deal with it. When it's over and I have my child support order, I won't have anything to do with him until the next time I go to court to get it raised.

As for possibly never getting it anyway...sure, that's a possibility. But do YOU want to be the one that insured that you'll never get it? Better him than you, I think. I think my son's biodad will eventually pay (courts will probably take it out of his new wife's check, but if not I don't see him not getting a job when he finishes school)...but I'm pretty sure my niece's biodad will never pay the full amount or ever even close. Even so, my sister wasn't going to be the one to let him get off completely. If she isn't going to get the child support, it's beause HE made that choice, NOT her.

It sounds like he just wants you to give up. Don't give him that satisfaction!!!

[waiting2bemommy]

no way! I have a court order for child support and have never received a penny of it. however I'm not going to cancel the order! I figure one day, after I finalize my divorce from him, and I don't see him as a threat to ds, I will go and collect all that back debt that is accumulating every month. And that will be ds' college education, hopefully.

But I don't bother him about it either. On the rare occasion that a grandparent from his side has sent something on his behalf I just viewed it as extra. besides if it didn't go through the court then itis just a gift and doesn't count as child support. he doesn't know that but I don't think it's my job to tell him. I'm sure he'll be pissed whenever he finds out though!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by smeep

More importantly, just think of it this way...what happens if you realise it was NOT a good decision? If it leaves you in a really crappy situation? There probably wouldn't be any going back because a lot of judges would say, "Well, you waived it. If you couldn't afford to do that, you should have thought about that before you waived it." Kwim?

I highly doubt this would happen. A lawyer I know says that the courts biggest concern over kids with split parents is that they are provided for financially - b/c otherwise they are going to be dependent on govt. money and states don't want that.

It would likely just require proving a change in financial situation requiring help from the dad.

However, I still do not think waiving support is a good idea. OP, please do not waive support - that money is for your CHILD - not for you. Go to court and file for cs if you haven't already.

ETA - there are ways to legally put liens on his property, and bank accounts and such if he doesn't pay. So, if he owns his hosue, you can put a lien on it and so if/when he sells it, he doesn't get the money until after his cs debt is settled. I don't know how to do it, but I know it can be done. Get the order, try getting it taken directly out of his paycheck (which can be done, and is very popular), and then see a lawyer about putting liens on any property he has to settle the debt. I would recommend that to anyone whose ex hasn't paid, b/c that makes paying the cs VERY appealing in comparison!

[vannienicole]

Oh, yeah and on the off change he gets a tax return, they will send it to you instead. I don't remember how to go about doing that, but I know there are ways for the state to help you get it.

[walking burp cloth]

I have not read all the responses, but wanted to chime in. What I did is probably not all that popular, but when my ex lost his job, I did waive the child support. We could really use that money right now, but it bought us some peace. He provides her health insurance(through his work) and that is all. We used to share parenting time 50/50, but my dh, our son and dd (who has the different dad), just moved across the country... so we have dd most of the time. She will see him over vacations from school etc. I really think he should be contributing financially at this point, but to pursue that would really rock the boat, and as of now (and for the past several years), we have a great co-parenting relationship. I know he loves her, and she adores her daddy, so I would never say "you can't see dd because you are not paying child support".
We just moved across the country, and my dh and I are really struggling financially and could really use that extra support.... but the peace is so worth it.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by cycle

No, I would not waive it.

Situations like these are why I feel so strongly that child support should be out of the parents' hands. It should not be negotiable, its for the children and if it was out of the parents' hands it would prevent dads who have to pay cs from harassing the moms into agreeing to a lesser amount or even no support. I know that sometimes (rarely) its the moms who have to pay support, I am just going with the common scenario. FTR, I have never received one penny of child support.

I also would not waive it in your case. Agreements are much harder to enforce than CS and non-custodial parents often try to use CS as leverage against the custodial parent.

[confustication]

I wouldn't waive it- unless he was willing to relinquish his rights.

I am in the process of waiving all my ex's current and past due- but only because he has asked for DH to adopt DD as he's realized that he's not capable of being a parent to her.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by confustication

I wouldn't waive it- unless he was willing to relinquish his rights.

I am in the process of waiving all my ex's current and past due- but only because he has asked for DH to adopt DD as he's realized that he's not capable of being a parent to her.

I don't think you should tell him that though because it is considered bribery and can seriously backfire with big legal ramifications. I was going to offer this to my dd's father but luckily I talked to a lawyer first so I didn't get into the realm of bribery.