How do you let your S/O understand you need ALONE time, and they need to bond with the dc?

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

My dh just doesn't get this, for years i have expressed my need for him to take ds out sometimes for fun, to the park, or zoo etc, but he just doesn't get the message. He does sporadically and normally after i ask him several times, and then i end up feeling so guilty, inedaquate etc, I am pregnant with #2 and know that soon enough my opportunity for alone time will be pretty much nil until the baby is much older. While dh doesn't get a ton of alone time himself, he does get 2-3 days where ds and i go camping with my family, and he does get to go out and do whatever he wants, pretty much whenever he wants with friend at least 1x a week. He tries to justify that i get alone time when i go shopping and i leave ds with him at home, but they just at home and dh plays on the computer while ds watches tv or vice versa, they don't really interact with each other. I am jealous for my ds, his dad never plays soccer outside with him, helps him learn to ride a bike. My dad was not around growing up and these are things i wanted for my kids, to have that special bonding time with their dads and ds doesn't get it. While dh does provide financially and we do sometimes go out as a family, not saying he is a total bad person or anything, i just wonder why he doesn't really seem interested in having that alone bonding time with ds? Which does affect my alone time as well. He is from another country so I do think that a lot of it may be cultural, but even so i know that when he grew up there were some years when he dad was still in the military and he lived only with his dad and brother while his mom and sisters lived somewhere else. I am not asking him to do much, and i know i can't force him to want to have 1 on 1 time with ds, but it is just frustrating for me.

[hadleys_mom]

I have no real advise on how to stress the importance of the father-child bond but maybe you could set up an standing time that you have alone time. Start out for a short period, like an hour or two...with them at the house. And then as he hopefully grows increasingly comfortable with it, ask for longer stretches of time and for them to go out and do something. Maybe even schedule something, I don't know how old your child is but some of the home improvement stores have a morning project for the kids to build on the weekends. Perhaps DH could take your child to that. Or a story time at the library. I personally think he's going to have to learn how to be involved once #2 comes because then its a matter of dividing and conquering in order to get everyone's needs met.

[CherryBombMama]

is it possible that he *wants* to spend time w/ your ds, but has no idea how? maybe he is afraid of not being the dad that your ds would want?

[quantumleap]

My DP has recently (in the past few months) gotten really good at taking off with dd several times a week, but it wasn't always like that. I have no idea what changed things for him, but I'm not going to complain! Not terribly useful for your situation though. Sorry.

Is there a parent and tot swimming lesson, art class, bedtime stories at the library, gymnastics class, or something that your DH could take responsibility for? Could you find a few things in your community and then present him with a few options you think he might enjoy? Even free things that only happen once a month? (our public library, for example, has a wear your pjs and come watch a movie thing once a month for preschoolers). I agree that your partner might not know HOW to interact with your son, and something structured, like a class, might give him the confidence to take a little more initiative in the future.

Or, send HIM shopping with the kiddo! If he's like my partner, he needs a ridiculously detailed list and will still come home with a few od things, but it gets them out and together and you get your alone time!

Hang in there - there is a solution!

[kittn]

classes are a fantastic idea! does your DH read?maybe a book on dads may assist? a nice book is wild at heart by jon eldridge. there is a christian undertone to it, but if it works for you, fantastic.it may be your DH doesnt know and did not learn the way to be a dad. love and encouragement always help men want to do more. its motivating and very helpful for men. if a man feels like a fantastic dad, a man may act more fantastic kwim?

[PoetryLover]

My DH is a great dad. He takes the initiative a lot. That said, I often offer guidance. For instance, when his daughters visited the past 2 summers, I recommended dad/daughter dates where he would take 1 girl out and I would do something fun at home with the other child. DH completely saw the benefit to this and was willing, but I was the one who moved things forward by suggesting a night to do it or putting it on the calendar. I suggested the activities, movie or park and ice cream, etc. I know that sometimes DH just needs a gentle push. Would your partner be open to your suggesting something like his making popcorn and playing a certain game with your son while you do X or taking your son to the park to ride bikes while you do X? Maybe you could suggest the activity, the time, put it on the calendar, tell your DS that it's happening, etc. A child's being excited about something can be a powerful motivator.

[amyhulen]

I completely understand your position. My DH has a tendancy to be the same way if I let him. We are a military family and he is out at sea for weeks or months at a time so it is very difficult for me to schedule things. I feel like he could always do more with the kids but I think it has alot to do with the way HE was raised by his parents. He was placed in childcare until the age of 12 when kindercare basically told his parents he had maxed out the age limit. Neither of his parents ever did a huge amount to interact with him so he spent alot of time self entertaining.

The biggest motivator I have found or my husband is to get another dad involved. Dads like nothing more than to show of what great parents they are in public situations. I swear that my best friends husband and mine compete for our kids attention when they are together.

I think that trying to get him involved with swim lessons or other classes is a great idea. I am a sahm with two DD's and a 3rd on the way. You definatly need some down time cause otherwise your going to eventually get pretty cranky. I know I have.

[jeslynn]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama

is it possible that he *wants* to spend time w/ your ds, but has no idea how? maybe he is afraid of not being the dad that your ds would want?

This is what I was going to ask. Many friends have the same problem and it's turned out that they just don't know what to do.

My husband takes my son to story time every week, but since he doesn't go in to story time...the time together is less than 30 minutes. So I will say "Honey, Levi had mentioned he wanted to go to the park/for a walk/to get ice cream yesterday. Would you like to take him? I bet you two would have some fun." That always works. Otherwise he just doesn't get what they would do.

Good luck!

[Autumn Breeze]

dh has trouble coming up with things to *do* with them. Mostly because he works long hours and only sees them for a few minutes, and only hears what I have to say about them each day. Weekends are when he's home.

When I'm going to be gone, and I want them to DO SOMETHING together, I make suggestions. Take the kids for a hike, and take the kite. Take the kids for a walk and collect leaves for putting in wax paper. Watch a movie with them, and let them talk through it (they like to talk about what they're watching, and if we're all trying to see something for the first time we try to minimize the chatter, but I'll suggest a well known flick) Read to them. Etc.

You know what your kids like, so suggest things that you know SO can handle with the kidlets and then GO OUT!