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13yo boy babysitting 5yo girl? - Page 3

post #41 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattemma04 View Post

Statisticly men do molest more often.Unfortunate,but that is how it is.Perhaps it has to do with a hormonal drive,but women are not always the safe haven we expect them to be.I recently saw Tyler Perry speak about his childhood sexual abusers,and one of then had been a woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
The statistics are based on criminal records. Female abusers are rarely even investigated because the victims don't report or aren't believed. The statistics don`t tell us anything except societies own bias.
I learned about this in my abnormal psycho class. Women molesters aren't caught very often (almost never) because people often will push aside and just consider things to be maternal.

Examples, a women who always changes a childs clothes whenever in her care. With a man, this would raise a little red flag of Oh...this seems a little odd. With a women, Oh she just likes him clean. Same thing for children who get washed frequently when being watched by someone if it were a man we'd wonder why is he always getting our child naked, women not so much.

I'm not saying that these can't be normal or explained behaviors, just that a man doing these things raises an eyebrow, which leads to further investigation where as a women would just get over looked.
post #42 of 117
I wasn't sexually abused by a child minder but I did have my female child minder act abusively towards me, haul me off to her dealers house, leave me a lone with her boyfriends etc. She wasn't 13 but I guess I am just trying to say, sex doesn't really matter, oth sexes have capabilities for abuse (my mum was abusive also but then I was sexually abused by a brother..... I distrust both sexes equally lol).

I don't know, if I knew the boy and trusted him then why not, my girls are vocal and very likely to say something if something happens, we are a very open family. I really don't think I have an issue with a boy baby sitting.
post #43 of 117
Well, I let a 14 year old boy babysit my daughters when they were 4 and 2. I didn't worry a bit about him being inappropriate or irresponsible. His parents lived in the same apartment complex, I knew him well, and it went great.
post #44 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
You have a son! Can you even believe in the possibility of his not being a molester?

For me, it's far more important that my children learn to treat people equally and do not discriminate based on sterotypes. That they weigh risks and benefits.

I do not look at every man and boy (or woman and girl, for that matter) as a potential molester. I use my instincts, am preparing my daughters for how to respond to inappropriate behavior, and seek a wide variety of caregivers.

But I refuse--REFUSE--to look at every man like a potential molester or to treat them that way. I think we need more men in our schools and daycares and pre-schools among children, so that kids know what normal men act like.

You knew you'd get flak, but I do beg you to reconsider your attitude towards men. What about your husband? Would you trust him with another child?
That is quite the straw man argument you built yourself...

For me the issue is not that he is a male, it's that he is a 13 year old male.

You are right, I have 2 sons and I will not allow them to babysit little girls when they are in their early teens, later teens perhaps. I firmly believe that the best way to not be tempted is to stay away from temptation. For boys sexual curiosity is really peaking between 12-16 and I would never put my children in a situation where that sort of temptation could occur.

I said that I felt it was inappropriate for a 13 year old boy to babysit a 5 year old girl, not that I view all men as potential molesters. (Frankly, I am not sure that I think 13 is old enough for a child to babysit another child at all.) Some of my favorite teachers growing up were men. When my children were in daycare briefly they had a male teacher whom they adored and we are still in contact with and we have a lot of male relatives and friends who are important figures in their lives that I would trust taking care of a child boy or girl.

We are a very open-minded people with a very diverse family tribe and we do not present any sort of stereo-types to our children. However, I would never put a child at risk (however, small that risk may be) of suffering the severe mental, emotional and potential physical trauma of molestation in an attempt make some sort of misguided-social statement. That risk to me far outweighs whatever minor benefit would be gained from the convenience of the sitter or the arm-breaking pat-on-the-back I could give myself for being so progressive and trusting.
post #45 of 117
Quote:
For me the issue is not that he is a male, it's that he is a 13 year old male.

You are right, I have 2 sons and I will not allow them to babysit little girls when they are in their early teens, later teens perhaps. I firmly believe that the best way to not be tempted is to stay away from temptation. For boys sexual curiosity is really peaking between 12-16 and I would never put my children in a situation where that sort of temptation could occur.
Wow. Okay. So you think that most thirteen-year-olds have a propensity to experiment with children?

I just don't get that. I don't think most teenage boys are tempted by children. Just like gay boys aren't tempted by girls at school, and straight boys aren't tempted by boys, hardly any teens are tempted by children.

And I do think that you are stereotyping boys here, that they are somehow more likely to be child molesters than teen girls. It's not that most men, when young, would do anything. Oh, they might use various tools for self-stimulation, but I think we can *all* distinguish between an inanimate object and a CHILD. Most males are interested in women of prime reproductive age, namely, between 14 and 25. A good 10% or so are interested in other males of prime reproductive age. Or thereabouts.

Not in kids!

Quote:
(Frankly, I am not sure that I think 13 is old enough for a child to babysit another child at all.)
Well there's another difference in our opinions.
post #46 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturallove View Post
I firmly believe that the best way to not be tempted is to stay away from temptation. For boys sexual curiosity is really peaking between 12-16 and I would never put my children in a situation where that sort of temptation could occur.
So you don't think girls have sexual curiosity? Or you think girls won't be tempted by young children?
post #47 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturallove View Post

You are right, I have 2 sons and I will not allow them to babysit little girls when they are in their early teens, later teens perhaps. I firmly believe that the best way to not be tempted is to stay away from temptation. For boys sexual curiosity is really peaking between 12-16 and I would never put my children in a situation where that sort of temptation could occur.
What if you're 3rd child is a girl? Will you leave her alone with her brothers when they are teens?

There has to be something else going on that would cause a teen boy to be tempted/aroused by a younger child. I just don't believe teenage male=inappropriate urges and actions.
post #48 of 117
I babysat at 13. That said, I would really have to know ANY person of ANY gender and know their maturity level.

The thing that would get me is what a PP said about having an opposite-sex person help in the bathroom, wiping butts if needed. While it doesn't happen much at 5, it could, and I wouldn't want DD being helped by an opposite-gender person.

I would feel the same way about daycare or preschool--I'd want either 2 people in the changing/bathrooms or the guy to help the boys. Not because I think all men will do something to a girl, but because I feel that's more appropriate in general if it's available. (and we always did 2 adults changing when I worked in the school dist. with special needs kiddos--that or when i did preschool the changing table was in total view of anyone who came in the bathroom, and the central bathroom was shared by 5 classrooms so it was a BUSY place.) oh there *were* other bathrooms the kids could use and the toilet was curtained.

even us like when we go out or something, I take DD if she needs to go to the bathroom if I'm there. DH takes DS if we're all together. (though that's partly to avoid embarrasing questions about men at urinals by DD I guess )
post #49 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturallove View Post
I am prepared to get flack for this, but I would under no circumstance allow a teenage boy to babysit a girl. I think it is inappropriate. He might be the greatest kid around, but you never know. For me, the stakes are too high to put a little girl in a situation that even has the slightest possibility of putting her at risk.
I wonder why being male obviously makes one more likely to molest in people's minds. Teenage girls babysit boys all the time. I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I didn't fully trust--period. And by the age of 5, I would have a talk with my child about inappropriate touching and that they can ALWAYS talk to me and I will ALWAYS believe them. Why mistrust a teen because they happen to be the opposite gender? Besides, what I understand of pedophiles is that they are attracted to little children. They will molest either or both genders. Having a child with a same sex babysitter doesn't necessarily protect them from sexual abuse.

I took a babysitter's course when I was 13, complete with CPR. I was a responsible 13. I babysat anywhere from 2-4 children at a time. I usually had one of my sisters babysit with me and split the money. Both my sisters who babysat with me had taken the same course. Meanwhile, I wouldn't trust my nearly 14 year old stepdaughter to stay at home with my 11 year old stepdaughter at this point because of how they fight. I may trust my 11 year old stepdaughter to babysit her little brother for a short period in a year or two. It really depends on the particular child, how well you know them, how mature and ready to accept responsibility they are. My older sister was horribly mean to my younger sisters, and even at 17, should never have been left alone with them. It's all relative.
post #50 of 117
I am going to say what I should have said to EdnaMarie initially. We clearly have different opinions. There is no need for personal attacks. The OP asked for opinions on the matter and I gave mine.
post #51 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I guess I don't understand what you mean.

On the one hand, the gender is an issue. Why? Why would gender make a difference, if it's not about the possibility of being a molester?

I do not want to make light the possibility of being molested. However I think that we need to look at how we can make our children safer no matter where they end up. Again, emphasizing open communication, appropriate touch, how to call us if they are scared, etc. etc.

Little girls and boys are both at risk in all kinds of situation, if you're looking at *any* level of risk. Daycare (women or men). School. Playing in the yard. The world is full of risks.

What makes me sad is that all men are vetted as potential molesters based on gender alone.

I can see only letting your mom watch them. If you have that option, who can blame you for choosing the best of the best every time? But then you add, "the gender difference alone..."

It is what it is. Same reason why there are separate gender bathrooms. I don't want a 13yo boy helping to wipe my dd's bottom. There is no need. It's not that I think all men are potential molesters, but it's just not necessary. Same reason why I wouldn't expect my dh to help wipe a 30yo womens rear. I'm fairly sure he could keep from molesting her , but it's just unnecessary. Boys/Men are visual and a butt and vagina is a butt and vagina. Whether or not I feel the same way about women or 13yo girls makes no difference as that was not the question posed by the op.
post #52 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie View Post
Boys/Men are visual and a butt and vagina is a butt and vagina.
I'll be sure to let my OB know I have to drop him because his sex makes him incapable of seeing me in a non-sexual light.

And my daughter's pediatrician, who is male, will get the same letter. If he's in a job where he regularly examines babies' and kids' bodies, he must have an ulterior motive.
post #53 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinYay View Post
I'll be sure to let my OB know I have to drop him because his sex makes him incapable of seeing me in a non-sexual light.

And my daughter's pediatrician, who is male, will get the same letter. If he's in a job where he regularly examines babies' and kids' bodies, he must have an ulterior motive.
Thanks for the sarcasm. It's so useful in these conversations...mature as well.
FYI, because obviously you didn't know, that an OB and a ped. are necessary, a 13yo babysitter is not.
post #54 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie View Post
Thanks for the sarcasm. It's so useful in these conversations...mature as well.
FYI, because obviously you didn't know, that an OB and a ped. are necessary, a 13yo babysitter is not.
Male medical providers are no more necessary than male babysitters.

I don't see how you can segregate one job by sex and no others. Being male isn't a crime, and I feel strongly that it's damaging to kids to treat it as such.
post #55 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinYay View Post
Male medical providers are no more necessary than male babysitters.

I don't see how you can segregate one job by sex and no others. Being male isn't a crime, and I feel strongly that it's damaging to kids to treat it as such.
Call it what you want, but segregating has nothing to do with whether or not I choose a *13yo* boy or girl to babysit my children.
It's a good thing then that I am the mother of my own household since we disagree.
post #56 of 117
Ok, so as is typical with me, when faced with a topic that involves the general age of my children, I ask in hypothetical questions how they feel about it. So, I asked my 13 yr. old if he got offered to babysit a 5 yr. old girl, would he take the job. He asked, "how much does it pay". I told him, "I don't know, more than you make babysitting for us (which is nothing)". He said, that he would take the job. Then I asked how he would feel helping with things like wiping their butt. His response, "ewwww I'd have to wipe her butt." So, no joyous, "yeah I get to see her butt" but a disgusting, how gross kind of thing. Basically, he has no interest in a 5 yr old girl.

Now, I won't leave him alone with his 13 yr. old girlfriend because I'm positive that he is interested in exploring her sexually.

Honestly, this whole argument that boys, even at 13 are willing to experiment with children that they see as just little kids seems, ummm, ridiculous to me. Unless there is something causing them to be like that, like any molester, such as previous abuse, or mental issues, I honestly don't think there is an issue.

Our 13 yr. old watches our kids regularly. He changed dd's diapers when she was little, and he was only 7 or 8 then. He's been around it so much that I think he's immuned to any "wow, that's what girls look like". He doesn't think of little kids as being attractive or interesting in that way.

For those who are concerned, it is your family, and if you aren't comfortable, then I don't think my dss would be comfortable working for you. I think he'd want whoever he worked for to not look at him with suspicion and distrust. So what I'm saying is, find a babysitter that works for your family. I wouldn't hold it against you for not hiring a boy, but please know that not all boys are out to get your little girls.
post #57 of 117
Personally, no. It's illegal here for a child under 14 to be left alone, in a babysitting capacity or even by himself.
post #58 of 117
normally i would say no because to me a 13 year old be it girl or boy is not old enough to look after a 5 year but in the situation you have described maybe if i wasn't going to be gone long
post #59 of 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie View Post
It is what it is. Same reason why there are separate gender bathrooms. I don't want a 13yo boy helping to wipe my dd's bottom. There is no need. It's not that I think all men are potential molesters, but it's just not necessary. Same reason why I wouldn't expect my dh to help wipe a 30yo womens rear. I'm fairly sure he could keep from molesting her , but it's just unnecessary.
I can't even begin to see how you can put these in the same category. A 30 year old woman does not, in the normal course of events, need anyone to help wipe her butt. If she did need that help, she could end up with a male doing so (although it's certainly more common for the reverse to happen, in special needs situations). What do the two have to do with each other?

Quote:
Boys/Men are visual and a butt and vagina is a butt and vagina.
I'm not sure I'm following your point here. Are you saying that boys/men, because they're visual (I've seen multiple studies now that say this is not true, and that women are just as visual as men, btw - don't know if it's true, but I do know that I respond strongly to visual stimuli), will react to a prepubescent butt or vagina the same way they react to a mature butt or vagina?


Male babysitters aren't an issue for me. DS1 (17.5) is my go-to babysitter. As he now has a job, and isn't free that often, there are a couple of his friends I would ask. My preferences are for four teens - two boys and two girls. My first choice is a boy, and the two girls are in the middle. (I trust them all about equally, but the one boy is amazing with my kids, and I think the other boy is probably the most scatter-brained of the four. He wouldn't hurt my kids...but he might leave my oven on or flood my kitchen.) I personally never had a male babysitter, but most of the people I know who had both as kids prefered the males. They said they were more fun.
post #60 of 117
My friends son has babysat for us. He's a wonderful kid, and great with her. None of the negative issues other posters have brought up EVER factored into my thinking. I'm kind of shocked to read a lot of this, to be honest.
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