who gets custody if I pass?

[karika]

I have 2 daughters. One is from my ex husband, and the other was born after our divorce, from another relationship. The biological father of dd2 wants nothing to do with her and I do not receive support from him. I had no place to live after finding out I was pregnant with dd2, so xh let us move in with him. I have been here for nearly 3 years now (moving out mon tho). Xh has been the only father dd2 has ever had.

We have thought of xh adopting dd2, even though we are not a couple. I want her to have rights to his SS if he were to pass, the chance to get good health insurance with his new federal job down the line, and now I am wondering what would happen if I were to pass? There is no father listed on the BC.

When I applied for FS and medicaid, the worker demanded I tell her dd2's father's name. I never wanted to disclose that. So, now that is on record. If I were to pass what would happen with dd2? My closest family is on the other side of the country. My sister or my mother would happily raise her if need be. My sis would be ok if it would have to be family, but she is really religious, so not my first choice. I would want to make sure xh gets custody, not bio dad or state. Who knows what should be done to protect dd2? Is it as simple as filing a living will, or just writing one? Or, do we have to have xh adopt dd2 to ensure he gets custody if I pass?

I plan on calling a family law lawyer, but it is the wknd and I want to know as much as possible.

[PoppyMama]

You would have to have your xh adopt her in order to ensure he gets custody if you die. That would make him liable to paying child support for both children though. In order for him to adopt her you would have to have her father relinquish rights and then go forward with the adoption. I don't know your financial situation but it might be something you'll have to save up for.

[lilyka]

[Super~Single~Mama]

Is there a reason you haven't gone through with the adoption? You said that you thought of it, but didn't go through with it. Your xh is aware that if he adopts her, he will be responsible for more cs right?

If he wants to adopt her, and you want him to, I think thats great - especially since it sounds like they have a relationship as it is.

The bio dad being on "file" with social services really doesn't mean anything I don't think - you can just notify them if your xh decides to adopt her, and then tell them the increased cs amount (I'm assuming you already recieve cs, or maybe not since you're living with him, but soon right? since you are moving?)

Things like this are always really complicated - its best to consult a lawyer.

[bluebunny]

As others have said, your ex could adopt her but he would be on the hook for child support. Adoption is probably the only full-proof way to ensure that your ex would get to raise both DDs if you passed away. However, you can stipulate guardianship of your children in a will. (Not a living will since that is an entirely different beast).

If you passed without a will or guardianship spelled out, the probate court (or perhaps family court, depending on your jurisdiciton) would decide who would get custody of your children. Your ex would be considered first, for you oldest, and might be considered by the court as guardian of your youngest. Again, that would be up to the court. I would definitely consult a lawyer.

[Goodmom2008]

Have you even discussed with your ex about him adopting dd2? Before you can even consider it, he has to be willing.

[karika]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008

Have you even discussed with your ex about him adopting dd2? Before you can even consider it, he has to be willing.

of course! that is why in the OP it says, "We have thought of xh adopting..."
I understand we are a unique couple of people. Even though we are divorced, we take our commitment to raising our child (and now dd2) as our joining factor. We get along very well. We just aren't married or romantically involved anymore. I am gathering that the level of evolvment we have achieved is extraordinary. He loves dd2 and wants to protect her and give her the best he can too.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by karika

of course! that is why in the OP it says, "We have thought of xh adopting..."
I understand we are a unique couple of people. Even though we are divorced, we take our commitment to raising our child (and now dd2) as our joining factor. We get along very well. We just aren't married or romantically involved anymore. I am gathering that the level of evolvment we have achieved is extraordinary. He loves dd2 and wants to protect her and give her the best he can too.

Then there is no reason not to move forward and have him adopt her. Then he will be her legal father, as well as the only father she has known. And you will have peace of mind knowing that he will be the one to raise her if you pass.

[karika]

I made another thread a month or two again about a person not married to the mother adopting a child and the gist I got was it would be an extraordinary circumstance, not a usual one. a responder said in her state the people had to be married, and we will not remarry. I hadn't considered he would have to pay extra child support now that we will be living separate. I also have no idea of the costs associated with this type of adoption, or the procedures. I plan on calling a lawyer, but do they answer questions for free?

What I started this thread to know is who gets custody if I pass with things the way they are now? I am going to write a will asap (on a break from moving right now). I guess it is more of a curiosity thing now.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You should definitely write a will. Hire a lawyer to help you with that - lots of people do their own, and then they get thrown out b/c theres something wrong with them. MAKE CERTAIN its done right - find a lawyer you like, and make sure they understand the complexity of the circumstances - they can help you figure out how to proceed. You'll want an estate planning lawyer to help with the Will, but they should be able to do the research to tell you about the guardianship thing for your dd.

In your will, you MUST designate a guardian, for BOTH children (in the event that you xh survives you, AND in the even that he pre-deceases you). You can also EXPLAIN why you want your dd2 to go to him.

Is he going to be maintaining contact with her after you move? Is he going to have visitation with her? If he has visitation with her, same as your dd1, I think you'd have a better chance of him becoming her guardian through your will than if he became a stranger to him now that you are moving.

[sugarmoon]

Just an extra fyi, possible kink, a friend of mine is in a similar situation, w/ a totally uninvolved bio-dad, and a very involved, live in bf who wants to adopt her son. Bio-dad has agreed, but the court is saying that if she isn't married to her bf, he can't adopt her son. Messed up, and they're fighting it, but, just something to consider...

[lilyka]

I know this is stupid but....Didn't Brad Pitt adopt Angelina's kids before they were married? If so, perhaps it is possible.

And a will does not mean a whole lot. There was a family here that went trough something like this and was all around tragic in every possible way. Mom got pregnant. Dad was not involved. mom gets married, man loves boy, 10 years pass blissfully by, man is only dad boy has ever known, mom dies. Father and son cope with grief best they can. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. It is the state. Since step dad is not bio dad he has no right to the kid. they contact bio dad who decides he wants custody. Boy testifies, step dad tries to adopt but it is too late. After quite a while in court, tearful pleas from boy and step dad, public outcry, prayer vigils all of it bio dad insists he gets whats his and wins. Boy hates bio dad and has tons of emotional issues and wants his daddy back. Train wreck. absolute train wreck. Please. if your xh wants to adopt your dd I would do whatever it took to make that happen because your will is not going to mean a whole lot if your child has biological family out there who wants her (father, grandparents, etc. everyone on the planet will have more rights to your child than you xh.)