Support thread for SAHPs whose partner works more than 70 hours/week? - Page 2

[sobamom]

Oh my gosh, my husband says the exact same thing--although we both know that I couldn't get a job that pays better than his does, so it's rather hurtful when he does say this. Also, because he works such long hours, I feel like I'm never allowed to say I'm tired or that I had a hard day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Three~Little~Birds 
I also feel like I can't complain because he just says that I can get a job and he'll stay home with the kids, or that his job is super stressful/difficult too and that I don't support him... (other issues, I suppose...)

[Avocado]

My DH is gone 6 months of the year for work.  He left when our twins were a week old and returns in a few weeks when they are 6 months old.  So, I've been alone with 4 kids for almost 6 months! It isn't unusual for me, unfortunately, I'm used to it... but it's getting old... I think he needs to find a new line of work ;)

[chely7425]

I feel you there Avocado... DH deployed right before our 3rd son was born so he won't meet him til he is 6 months old (ish) and won't be home home till he is 1.  It definitely isn't fun!!  I am used to it though.. he always seems to deploy or go away for extended training right after we have a kid,,

[TCMoulton]

Oh how I can relate to this! My DH is a funeral director so weekends don't exist in our world. His schedule is that he works 9 days, most of them a minimum of 10 hours (not including if he is on call), has 4 days off, works 9 days, 2 days off, 2 days on, and 2 days off. This schedule is reprated over and over throughout the year, it never changes.

While I am extremely grateful that his job is virtually recession proof, I have many moments where I hate it too. I have also found that my anxiety is usually sky high by the end of the 9 day stretch. As our girls get older (8 and 6) it's also ahrd on them since he only has 1 Saturday and 2 Sundays off each month so they don't see him very much either.

I try not to complain - he works crazy hard and does a job that many could not - plus he has a good, stable job which some of my friends are lacking right now. Doesn't make it any easier some days.

[Strong Mama]

Joining in, but luckily my twins arent here .....yet. Dh works 8-8 5 days a week. I guess I am very lucky, it seems like a long day, but he does get a one hour lunch break which he can come home for. The job is 5 mins from the house. I can stop by when I want to see him too. He is pretty tired when he gets home, and he has to eat alone because I cannot eat that late or I get heartburn. Then if dss is here he will spend an hour with him before his bedtime at 9. We always get in the bed by 9 30 and watch tv til we go to bed at 11. On his days off he is always busy doing house things and on sundays we go to church and i make him have a free day on sunday afternoon to do relaxing hobbies that he deserves. he luckily does not bring his work home. when the twins get here, luckily my mil lives right next door for help!

[Arduinna]

Oh I hated it when dh worked 70+ hours a week. What I did to help us connect is talk on the phone during the day when we could. For example he would call me to talk when he was on his way to see his customers. Of course he often got interrupted with incoming calls which I found annoying but at least we had some time to connect. Sometimes we would meet for lunch just the two of us in the middle of his work day to squeeze in time together.

[jennklogan]

Originally Posted by sobamom 

Oh my gosh, my husband says the exact same thing--although we both know that I couldn't get a job that pays better than his does, so it's rather hurtful when he does say this. Also, because he works such long hours, I feel like I'm never allowed to say I'm tired or that I had a hard day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Three~Little~Birds 
I also feel like I can't complain because he just says that I can get a job and he'll stay home with the kids, or that his job is super stressful/difficult too and that I don't support him... (other issues, I suppose...)

This is how our conversations sound too.  My husband has said this so many times that when I feel the argument is leaning this way I usually just say it for him.  I'm not resentful or anything (insert sarcasm).
Glad I found this thread.  It's just nice to know I'm not the only woman out there that feels like a single parent with a husband.

[tink79]

Is anyone else bitter about other people's "weekends"?  I guess facebook and other online communities magnify the differences in other people's lives but when people are like TGIF or oh I am so thankful for the weekend (or holidays for that matter) it just makes me cringe.  I would love a weekend every now and then...  Meanwhile my DH is trying to cram in time with us and spend time with the kids somewhere between his overlapping days.

[Smithie]

"It's just nice to know I'm not the only woman out there that feels like a single parent with a husband."

DH was out of town for a week this month, and my 6 y.o. says to me on Day 6, "gee, it must be tough to be a single mom." Honestly, my instant reaction was gratitude, thinking about how much tougher it would be if I WERE a single mom. I'd have to work full-time. I couldn't homeschool or do my volunteer activities. I wouldn't have a life partner to share my concerns and triumphs with, knowing that they were just as invested in the outcome as I was. And I suspect it would be much more difficult to have, um, intimate companionship without stressing out the kids or taking a lot of time away from them. So while I sometimes feel tired or lonely, I'm pretty such I NEVER feel as tired or lonely as a mom who is single-not-by-choice. 

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by tink79 

Is anyone else bitter about other people's "weekends"?  I guess facebook and other online communities magnify the differences in other people's lives but when people are like TGIF or oh I am so thankful for the weekend (or holidays for that matter) it just makes me cringe.  I would love a weekend every now and then...  Meanwhile my DH is trying to cram in time with us and spend time with the kids somewhere between his overlapping days.

Yes. Definitely.  I feel so lonely knowing that all of my friends are having a weekend and it is just like another weekday for me.
 

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

"It's just nice to know I'm not the only woman out there that feels like a single parent with a husband."

DH was out of town for a week this month, and my 6 y.o. says to me on Day 6, "gee, it must be tough to be a single mom." Honestly, my instant reaction was gratitude, thinking about how much tougher it would be if I WERE a single mom. I'd have to work full-time. I couldn't homeschool or do my volunteer activities. I wouldn't have a life partner to share my concerns and triumphs with, knowing that they were just as invested in the outcome as I was. And I suspect it would be much more difficult to have, um, intimate companionship without stressing out the kids or taking a lot of time away from them. So while I sometimes feel tired or lonely, I'm pretty such I NEVER feel as tired or lonely as a mom who is single-not-by-choice. 

Yes.  It is true that it would be much harder to actually be a single parent and we are all remembering to be grateful for what we have.  In so much as these thoughts help us to put our lives into perspective they are very useful.  We also need to make sure that we have the space and safety to be honest about our feelings and not deny the unpleasant aspects of the situation because we feel we don't deserve to feel them.  I'm not saying that you were implying that we should.  I'm just continuing the conversation.  I just think a lot of us feel like we can't complain because we have so much but that doesn't take away the pangs of loneliness or whatever else we feel.  I really want this thread to be a place where people feel they can be utterly honest.

[AbbieB]

Wow, I really belong here.

I can relate to so much, the loneliness, the stress, the second hand stress, feeling like a single mom with a husband, the pitting looks, the jealousy of other peoples weekends, the lack of connection to DH.

DH has always worked odd hours and too much. He's the son of 2 workaholics so what else does he know?

After graduating together, DH went on to work on graduate degrees and hold a job. I worked while he did this but felt so lonely at home alone in the evenings. It sucked that he was never available to go out to dinner, go to a friends etc... Then after my first was born it was really hard to make mom friends and participate in family get together and always be the "single" mom. My friends sometimes made jokes that DH didn't really exist and I would laugh but inside it hurt. As the kids got older and I would take them to the zoo and stuff it would sometimes hurt to see other dads having a great time with their kids knowing my kids and DH don't ever do that.

I used to stay up late and silently cry about it. I considered divorce. I think my parents marriage, were my mom has always been a SAHM and deeply involved with my Dad's schedule, set the example for me that that's how it should be. It felt wrong to be so separate all of the time. it also did not help that DH was such a private person, he never shared his day the way I expected and to this day can be weird when he feels like I am intruding in "his business" (I still occasionally have to remind him that as his wife, it's not intruding to ask basic questions about his life and activities.)

Now, the situation has normalized enough that when he is home for a rare week off it can be stressful. The kids and I have a routine of sorts and it gets disrupted when he's suddenly free and wanting to take over the living room watching TV and expects us to give him down time with no interruptions.

It's also hard because he hates all 3 of his jobs. He teaches high school English, and classes for 2 on line universities. He gets so stressed and resentful of things about his job that are either just basic parts of the job (like students asking the same "stupid" questions each class) or the fact that he is spending so much time doing it. Frankly I think his anger uses up more energy and time than just doing his job sometimes. He is angry all of the time now. He's angry when he's working. He's angry when he has down time because he has to go back to work. He's angry that he does not get enough down time. His anger definitely effects the mood of the house.

I feel like I am painting a really negative picture, when really things are not quite so bad. DH is not some raging ogre or anything. He's just grumpy and/or tired most of the time.

I have so much more to say, but I will leave it for another post.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

[MrsBone]

I just wanted to say that I don't know how I could do this without the support of my family and friends. I only have one kiddo, but we're home all day just the two of us. DH leaves the house before 6, and an early day home is 6pm. Most of the time it's closer to 7:30-9pm. DS goes to bed at 8 or 9 so DH either sees him for an hour or so, or not at all. Then by the weekend, DH is exhausted, so we really don't do much then. Luckily I'm the one in the family that likes to get out, be active and do stuff, so it tends to fall on me. Date nights are virtually non-existent. I think the last date we had was about 2 months ago. But, I do know that whenever I need a helping hand, my mom is a phone-call away and 20 minute drive, so that helps alot. My IL's are 30 minutes away and my sister is 30 minutes away, so it's really not too bad. My sister has 3 of her own kids, works part time and has a crazy busy life but has rarely ever turned me down when I needed a hand with something. She's a godsend. Oh, and I'm involved with my church, and another friends church. I try and go to bible study during the week(2 hours) and there's free childcare during that time. I also go to church on Sundays where the kiddo is watched during the service, so that in and of itself is a nice break! Oh and i work about 4 hours a week, with 30 minutes to an hour commute, so that is nice too! I usually have to rely on my mom or MIL to watch our son rather than daddy, because I can never plan on when he'll be home to watch the boy. My family is usually very willing to help though. So yeah, I can't imagine doing it without a support system!

[CCJWGM]

Add me in to often feeling like a single parent although I'm married.  When my DS was born 3 years ago I had a newborn, a 14 month old, raging PPD, and a hubby who worked 80 hrs/week and all for a pay cut (seriously).  He handed back that job to get his old one back and his hours per week are better now but not his working hours.  He is gone 9 of the most active hours of my children's day.  There are other frustrations with his job as well.  He has a super high stress job and works in a 24/7 operation so he unless a holiday is on a regular day off he works.  He works today (Thanksgiving), Christmas Eve (works late), Christmas (works early), New Years Eve (works late), and New Years Day (works early.)  We were living on a wonderful 45 acre off grid spread.  I couldn't do it though.  I just couldn't handle 2 young ones and running 45 acres myself without a tractor!!!!  So we moved.  Sniff sniff.

Luckily  my DH insists on weekends and keeping them even though they never are Sat./Sun. weekends.  He never used to do that.  So he is making baby steps.  Also luckily, he retires in 5 years.  He can retire next year but it's smart sense for him to wait until 50.  What happens when he retires though?  The guy can't sit still for five seconds? 

[MrsBone]

Did anyone else decide on not having more kids because of the daunting thought of dealing with several kids virtually alone? I always wanted 3 kids, but I honestly don't think I could handle it. We're pregnant with number 2 right now and I'm really hoping it's a girl because I know I'll feel so much better about being done if I have a boy and a girl. It's just so hard dealing with one kid alone, I can't even imagine dealing with 2, but I know I'll be able to and it will be fine, but then thinking about having one more, adding expenses, stress and the stress of DH having much more of a financial responsibility. DH and I decided before we got married that we would be done after 2. He always wanted 1 or 2 and I wanted 2 or 3, but I keep thinking to myself, will I regret not having a third? I really want to homeschool my kids, at least until maybe middle school, but that would mean that all of the financial burden will be on my hubby for longer than just the first 3-5 years until both kids are in school. He works 70+ hrs/week and is 100% commission. It just seems like it's not worth having a 3rd child if that means hubby will never be home, or be so exhausted from working that he will not have the energy to do anything else. What do you all think? DH is really set on not having more after this one, but we agreed that I would go on some form of BC and give it 5 years to see how we both feel then, so nothing permanent for awhile. Now, I have to say, our quality of life is very good. We are probably considered middle-upper class. I'm able to afford to buy about half our food organic & local, we are able to purchase what we want/need most of the time, so I know having more kids will require sacrifice on our part for ours and our children's quality of life. Our health insurance is outrageous though, and with multiple expensive life insurance policies, a husband with diabetes, and higher insurance rates because of that, it just seems like it makes more sense to give our 2 kids a good quality of life, without putting too much financial stress on either one of us. Oh and then there's college!  What do you all think? Are these reasonable/rational reasons to stop at 2 kids?

[Smithie]

Two kids tag-team YOU. Three kids tag-team EACH OTHER. That's just IME, but my three are in no way harder to deal with alone than the 2 were, or the 1 baby was. I'm not exactly sure why, but these days I feel like the keeper of a herd of cheerful little goats, not the mama pig splayed out 24/7 with her sucklings latched on. Wow, that was a really lovely figure of speech. But I'm sure you get where I'm coming from. My advice to all people in general is, don't make any decisions about having more kids while you're pregnant, and don't assume that a big family is exhausting to manage just because a toddler and an infant gave you a tough year. But "no decisions" really means "no decisions" - anybody who might be trying to get you to say that you'll try for three right now needs to mind their own business and let you focus on the two you've got! 

[sobamom]

Originally Posted by AbbieB 

Wow, I really belong here.

I can relate to so much, the loneliness, the stress, the second hand stress, feeling like a single mom with a husband, the pitting looks, the jealousy of other peoples weekends, the lack of connection to DH.

DH has always worked odd hours and too much. He's the son of 2 workaholics so what else does he know?

After graduating together, DH went on to work on graduate degrees and hold a job. I worked while he did this but felt so lonely at home alone in the evenings. It sucked that he was never available to go out to dinner, go to a friends etc... Then after my first was born it was really hard to make mom friends and participate in family get together and always be the "single" mom. My friends sometimes made jokes that DH didn't really exist and I would laugh but inside it hurt. As the kids got older and I would take them to the zoo and stuff it would sometimes hurt to see other dads having a great time with their kids knowing my kids and DH don't ever do that.

I used to stay up late and silently cry about it. I considered divorce. I think my parents marriage, were my mom has always been a SAHM and deeply involved with my Dad's schedule, set the example for me that that's how it should be. It felt wrong to be so separate all of the time. it also did not help that DH was such a private person, he never shared his day the way I expected and to this day can be weird when he feels like I am intruding in "his business" (I still occasionally have to remind him that as his wife, it's not intruding to ask basic questions about his life and activities.)

Now, the situation has normalized enough that when he is home for a rare week off it can be stressful. The kids and I have a routine of sorts and it gets disrupted when he's suddenly free and wanting to take over the living room watching TV and expects us to give him down time with no interruptions.

It's also hard because he hates all 3 of his jobs. He teaches high school English, and classes for 2 on line universities. He gets so stressed and resentful of things about his job that are either just basic parts of the job (like students asking the same "stupid" questions each class) or the fact that he is spending so much time doing it. Frankly I think his anger uses up more energy and time than just doing his job sometimes. He is angry all of the time now. He's angry when he's working. He's angry when he has down time because he has to go back to work. He's angry that he does not get enough down time. His anger definitely effects the mood of the house.

I feel like I am painting a really negative picture, when really things are not quite so bad. DH is not some raging ogre or anything. He's just grumpy and/or tired most of the time.

I have so much more to say, but I will leave it for another post.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

AbbieB, your words described my life and feelings so closely! One of my friends used to joke all the time that she didn't believe my husband actually existed, since no one had ever met him. I also feel like DH is apart from us so often, he doesn't know how to act like he's part of a family. On the rare occasions we go for a walk together (with our very slow toddler), he's always miles ahead, wandering by himself, or looking back impatiently; but we never seem to walk together as a family, laughing, chatting, pointing out interesting things. We only see him for about an hour in the morning, and he's too tired, grumpy, whatever, to talk to us. He never tells me in advance if he has something to attend on the weekend. His friend's wedding is next week and he never even asked me if I wanted to go with him. He hates his work, is super-stressed about it, and is always complaining--and something about the way he complains makes me feel like it's somehow my fault. Well, he's even said he'd never be doing what he is doing now if he didn't have to worry about supporting DD and me. So I feel like he's saying that we're the cause of his misery, sometimes. So often I want to say: We rarely have time together, why can't we spend it happily? But that also seems so selfish, like I'm asking him to suppress his unhappiness around us. I don't know what to do! DD is recently rejecting DH more and more, and I can't help wondering if it's because he's often in a bad mood around her, always scolding her or trying to correct her.

Like you said, DH is actually a good person but his tiredness, his stress, his unhappiness--it affects us all.
 

Originally Posted by MrsBone 

Did anyone else decide on not having more kids because of the daunting thought of dealing with several kids virtually alone? I always wanted 3 kids, but I honestly don't think I could handle it.

I'm terrified to even have a second one, although I want one. I think I even wrote a post about this . Sure, it's possible the next baby could be all nice and easygoing, a good sleeper, etc. But what if he/she is high-needs? What if DD gets jealous of the baby? I am constantly having to protect the dog from DD's rough play and I shudder to think of her doing similar things to a helpless newborn.

I remember a mom telling me once how much she looked forward to the end of the day because her husband would come home and she could pass the baby over to him and get dinner ready or rest or whatever. I...I can't even imagine that kind of luxury. I have to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a very clingy toddler hanging onto me, get her bathed and ready for bed, and then get her to sleep somehow (thank god we're still breastfeeding). By the time DD is in bed, I simply collapse on the couch and don't want to move (even though the house is often a huge mess). If I had a newborn to continue to take care of PLUS a whole night of wakings and feedings...I fear I might go insane or something! 
 

[Peony]

Originally Posted by MrsBone 

Did anyone else decide on not having more kids because of the daunting thought of dealing with several kids virtually alone? I always wanted 3 kids, but I honestly don't think I could handle it. We're pregnant with number 2 right now and I'm really hoping it's a girl because I know I'll feel so much better about being done if I have a boy and a girl. It's just so hard dealing with one kid alone, I can't even imagine dealing with 2, but I know I'll be able to and it will be fine, but then thinking about having one more, adding expenses, stress and the stress of DH having much more of a financial responsibility. DH and I decided before we got married that we would be done after 2. He always wanted 1 or 2 and I wanted 2 or 3, but I keep thinking to myself, will I regret not having a third? I really want to homeschool my kids, at least until maybe middle school, but that would mean that all of the financial burden will be on my hubby for longer than just the first 3-5 years until both kids are in school. He works 70+ hrs/week and is 100% commission. It just seems like it's not worth having a 3rd child if that means hubby will never be home, or be so exhausted from working that he will not have the energy to do anything else. What do you all think? DH is really set on not having more after this one, but we agreed that I would go on some form of BC and give it 5 years to see how we both feel then, so nothing permanent for awhile. Now, I have to say, our quality of life is very good. We are probably considered middle-upper class. I'm able to afford to buy about half our food organic & local, we are able to purchase what we want/need most of the time, so I know having more kids will require sacrifice on our part for ours and our children's quality of life. Our health insurance is outrageous though, and with multiple expensive life insurance policies, a husband with diabetes, and higher insurance rates because of that, it just seems like it makes more sense to give our 2 kids a good quality of life, without putting too much financial stress on either one of us. Oh and then there's college!  What do you all think? Are these reasonable/rational reasons to stop at 2 kids?

I have very similar concerns only about a 4th, we already have the 3. It isn't easy at all for me now. DH is gone so much, and when he is around, 3 children wear him out. Our medical expenses/insurance are insane as well, 2 of the 3 have some special needs, therapies and meds that are all out of pocket. The private school because DD1 can not attend a regular one, and homeschooling failed miserably. With  2 children we still had a good quality of life, it was easier on me. With 3, we've had to tighten our belts some. Less organic and more Sam's Club! I am so busy all the time because I have no one to pick up the slack. It never fails that some major illness/injuries happen while Dh is away on business. He is actually gone right now and the youngest has rotovirus, a nasty case of it as well. last month it was croup. I asked my mom to take DD2 (she is a very needy 4 right now) last night in case DS ended up in the hospital, but my parents are gone a lot as well so i can not count on them to help. 

What I have come to the conclusion is that I could maybe handle a 4th if I had help. I would need some to call when I have a sick baby to pick up DD1 from school, take her to tap class instead of dragging out the ill child. The more children I have, the more sick we are, by the time the illness is to the last child, the first child has brought something else home. I have several sitters now, and once again, it never fails, I have an emergency and they can't help right then. I would need something more regular, which is more money. 

I hear you about not wanting to regret that child you didn't have. I could probably be convinced to keep going the way things are now, but I don't want to regret it later. i am not doing this over again in 5 years. My oldest is almost 8, I have barely slept since then, I always have 1-3 children in my bed. Since DH is gone a lot at night, my nights consist of putting children down over and over again because none of them STTN. I like small children but I also see what it will be like when they are all older and I refuse to start over again in several years.  So anyway, no idea on what I will decide either, but I think your concerns are very vailid ones. 

Excuse typos, NAKIng in bed once again. 

[widemouthedfrog]

Subbing. I'm not a SAHM, but I WOH part time and WAH part time. For the first three years of dd's life, dh had a very stressful job. He quit that and then started a grad degree while working full time. I hope that's it when he finishes the degree in April - he's been busy for dd's entire life so far.

I do feel ashamed when it's the weekend and dd and I always go to things on our own - at church they didn't know I was married until 2 years ago!

[lookatreestar]

hey this is totally our family too... my dh works so much (no such thing as weeknights or weekends off in the restaurant biz). i honestly swing back and forth every other day 

"i can do this, parenting alone isn't so bad."

to

"holy *%$# i cannot do this."

it sucks and no one gets it. i think we are done at two because i cannot handle anymore on my own. i really hope this next year is better for us and we can either start working split shifts (if i can find a job that pays as much as his) so we can both work and share parenting duties. because honestly my kids see him twice a week and i know how much it sucks to just want to spend time with your dad (my dad was a workaholic, seems like he has finally slowed down-after 50).

eta: oh yeah and most people think my dh is a mythical creature  i swear he exists!!