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Support thread for SAHPs whose partner works more than 70 hours/week? - Page 4

post #61 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by syn_ack89 View Post

 It's bad when a workaholic finds something they enjoy doing...


yeahthat.gif

 

Preach it. We are so there.

post #62 of 89

My DH leaves the house at 3:15 in the afternoon and gets home around 5 in the morning, goes to sleep, then wakes up around 12:30 in the afternoon.  By the time he uses the bathroom and showers and we eat lunch (big meal of the day) together he leaves for work.  Two days a week he has a second job--he gets up at 9 in the morning, works his second job until he has to leave for his first job, then doesn't come home until 5 in the morning.  Then he's extra tired and has to sleep pretty much until it's time for him to go back to work. 

 

He is off on Saturdays, but he's so tired he has to sleep.  Usually we can spend Sundays together. 

 

The weeks go by so slow.  It feels like our days drag on forever sometimes.  I get jealous of people who have normal structured days where they can look forward to their husband coming home at night.  I'm also jealous of moms who get to do things like grocery shop alone while DH watches the kids, or go out and do something fun with friends.  If I had friends and I wanted to go out with them, I would be sacrificing the very few hours I see my DH.  He's gone so much he has no idea how to "babysit" his own kids anyway.  I've found most people don't understand that.  They don't know what it's like to have your DH working so hard, have barely any time together as a family, and on top of it all still be poor. 

post #63 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 31rubies View Post

My husband is an overtime junkie, lol.  He works 70 hours a week usually.  Those are 6 twelve hour days.  He used to work all seven days, and just told me he is going to start doing that again at the end of the month.  :(  We have been married 10 years, now we have 4 children.  I've been at home with them from the beginning, and I homeschool now too.  This past year has been hard for me at least.  Maybe it is a hormonal thing, since I had my fourth babe 3 months ago.  I can identify with all the feelings other mamas have wrote here, being lonely, irritable, and the weirdest feeling I get is boredom!  With 4 kids and knitting, cooking, spinning, sewing, reading, and midwifery self study?  I think it's because I feel guilty for doing any of those things, even though I am right with my children when I do them!  Also it is hard to do most things with a baby hanging off you all the time, but thank God for boobs!  Seriously my baby does not like being put down!  And my dh is really a wonderful man, but I don't try to tell him my feelings much.  They just don't get it.  I do hate to complain!  I could not imagine being away from my children, I am so blessed to be a sahm.  It can be tedious, and I want to be honest with other mamas, that their feelings are normal.

 

I feel the boredom too.  I have recently realized that I think it is less about not having anything to do (because I do have things I can do) but about social interaction and connection.  No matter how much I do I end up kinda bored if I don't get enough connection with other adults.
 

 

post #64 of 89

This is totally us. I do almost everything with the kids by myself. It is hard to be positive toward all his work when he is angry about it. And yes yes yes when he is actually there, it is difficult and it is so very stressful.

 

My parents were deeply involved in each others lives. My Dad was (still is) a total workaholic, but he and my mom still really are connected. My mom knows all about my dad's work, his schedule, his life. I can't say that I have that with DH. The lonliness is often overwhelming. Sometimes I just want him to be there on the couch with me, with his arm around me. Apparently that is too much to ask!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AbbieB View Post

Wow, I really belong here.

 

I can relate to so much, the loneliness, the stress, the second hand stress, feeling like a single mom with a husband, the pitting looks, the jealousy of other peoples weekends, the lack of connection to DH.

 

DH has always worked odd hours and too much. He's the son of 2 workaholics so what else does he know?

 

After graduating together, DH went on to work on graduate degrees and hold a job. I worked while he did this but felt so lonely at home alone in the evenings. It sucked that he was never available to go out to dinner, go to a friends etc... Then after my first was born it was really hard to make mom friends and participate in family get together and always be the "single" mom. My friends sometimes made jokes that DH didn't really exist and I would laugh but inside it hurt. As the kids got older and I would take them to the zoo and stuff it would sometimes hurt to see other dads having a great time with their kids knowing my kids and DH don't ever do that.

 

I used to stay up late and silently cry about it. I considered divorce. I think my parents marriage, were my mom has always been a SAHM and deeply involved with my Dad's schedule, set the example for me that that's how it should be. It felt wrong to be so separate all of the time. it also did not help that DH was such a private person, he never shared his day the way I expected and to this day can be weird when he feels like I am intruding in "his business" (I still occasionally have to remind him that as his wife, it's not intruding to ask basic questions about his life and activities.)

 

Now, the situation has normalized enough that when he is home for a rare week off it can be stressful. The kids and I have a routine of sorts and it gets disrupted when he's suddenly free and wanting to take over the living room watching TV and expects us to give him down time with no interruptions.

 

It's also hard because he hates all 3 of his jobs. He teaches high school English, and classes for 2 on line universities. He gets so stressed and resentful of things about his job that are either just basic parts of the job (like students asking the same "stupid" questions each class) or the fact that he is spending so much time doing it. Frankly I think his anger uses up more energy and time than just doing his job sometimes. He is angry all of the time now. He's angry when he's working. He's angry when he has down time because he has to go back to work. He's angry that he does not get enough down time. His anger definitely effects the mood of the house.

 

I feel like I am painting a really negative picture, when really things are not quite so bad. DH is not some raging ogre or anything. He's just grumpy and/or tired most of the time.

 

I have so much more to say, but I will leave it for another post.

 

It's good to know I'm not alone.



 

post #65 of 89

I totally relate.  I feel like I can't complain about my position because while the work isn't bad, the hours and the loneliness and the lack of normal weekends are hard.

DH doesn't have a set schedule and works til 2 am at one place 2-5 nights a week and daytimes at another 3-5 days a week. (F&B).  When he's home hes either sleeping or sleep deprived and the "normal" flow is interrupted and our communication is strained.  Now that its warming up I'm working on taking DD out in the mornings and letting him sleep instead of hoping he'll get up and play with her and getting irritated/disappointed when he doesnt.  I think I mainly need stronger social support so the pressure's off him and we can actually enjoy our time together. 

 

post #66 of 89

You could say my DH works that right now since he is deployed.... hah. So, he is working... 24/7? 168 hours/week? It sucks. He left July 1st last year, and he gets home in June, so we only have about 2 more months, yay! joy.gif Then he goes back to normal Army schedule. Leave for PT around 5 am and get home around 6 pm.

 

It suuuuuuuucks doing everything all the time! And being pregnant now.... wow it's hard.

post #67 of 89

My hubby is in the military, was gone from 8months pregnancy to 6 months old and has currently been gone for almost 7 months now(?), I have to admit it's fairly easy caring for my 25 month old daughter, so much that I will be starting a waldorf inspired rhythm for her starting in the fall. I am extremely hands on and find it my job to expand her thinking and logic. i am grateful for being a sah mother and enjoy the time i have with her:)

post #68 of 89

Hi, mamas--

 

I'm posting this from a hotel room in a city that I absolutely hate (I used to live in this city so I know what I'm talking about). We're here with DH on an extended (almost a month) business trip. I spend my days in the hotel with a toddler and a baby and no car (this is a very car-oriented town). We're here with DH because we thought it would give us a chance to spend more time together. Instead of the kids and me staying home, we get to travel and be with him and at least we can see him at night and for a few minutes in the morning. But really I just feel so lonely and horrible. I have a part-time nanny at home, at least. I can sleep in my own bed. The kids and I have a routine, no matter how dull.

 

This is a pretty great hotel but I'm basically staying here alone, no support system in place, and all of our old friends who live here are either childless or expecting their first and have no idea what I'm dealing with. I'm so thankful for what we have, and the blessings we've been given, but I'm also so incredibly lonely and burned out. I miss my best friend. I feel like a kept woman. I get a lot of pitying looks when people find out that my husband is working all weekend--yes, all weekend--and won't be joining us on any Easter egg hunts or picnics in the park.

 

It's so hard. DH's job is really demanding, and he'll always work insanely long (7-day weeks with 12+-hour days is the norm) hours--it's just the nature of his industry. The admittedly great money isn't enough to make up for it. My son constantly asks for his Da-Da during the day. I feel like my husband is missing out on his babies' childhoods. I feel like our marriage is weakening. We have almost nothing to talk about anymore, except for the kids. I don't feel like we're connected at all and complaining about any of this makes me feel petty and weak and spoiled. But I'm so, so lonely and so, so tired of not seeing DH for more than a couple of hours at a time. And I'm tired of raising our kids without an involved partner. He's a great father, when he's here. He's not just able to be here very often. His job is basically the "other woman" and we're all suffering for it. Whenever I bring any of this up to DH, he says that nothing makes me happy and I'm always disappointed. Yes, I'm disappointed! I'm disappointed that I'm doing all of this without him. My heart aches for my children, and for him, when he realizes--too late!--that he missed so many irreplaceable moments in their childhood. I don't know how to make it better.

I really don't have any suggestions or ideas, but I'm glad I found this thread. It makes me feel much less alone. grouphug.gif

post #69 of 89

Oh, I feel so bad for the military families.  It must be so hard to go through that.  hug2.gif

 

As for the plain old workaholics, I agree with other mamas who are saying when dh is actually off it is hard too.  Mine is working on something, the yard, his cars, anything from before we all wake up in the morning until the sun literally is down.  It makes me feel a little resentful and lonely.  It is hard when I feel like pouting or snapping, and I can't.  He is happy as a lark though!

 

post #70 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by peainthepod View Post

Hi, mamas--

 

I'm posting this from a hotel room in a city that I absolutely hate (I used to live in this city so I know what I'm talking about). We're here with DH on an extended (almost a month) business trip. I spend my days in the hotel with a toddler and a baby and no car (this is a very car-oriented town). We're here with DH because we thought it would give us a chance to spend more time together. Instead of the kids and me staying home, we get to travel and be with him and at least we can see him at night and for a few minutes in the morning. But really I just feel so lonely and horrible. I have a part-time nanny at home, at least. I can sleep in my own bed. The kids and I have a routine, no matter how dull.

 

This is a pretty great hotel but I'm basically staying here alone, no support system in place, and all of our old friends who live here are either childless or expecting their first and have no idea what I'm dealing with. I'm so thankful for what we have, and the blessings we've been given, but I'm also so incredibly lonely and burned out. I miss my best friend. I feel like a kept woman. I get a lot of pitying looks when people find out that my husband is working all weekend--yes, all weekend--and won't be joining us on any Easter egg hunts or picnics in the park.

 

It's so hard. DH's job is really demanding, and he'll always work insanely long (7-day weeks with 12+-hour days is the norm) hours--it's just the nature of his industry. The admittedly great money isn't enough to make up for it. My son constantly asks for his Da-Da during the day. I feel like my husband is missing out on his babies' childhoods. I feel like our marriage is weakening. We have almost nothing to talk about anymore, except for the kids. I don't feel like we're connected at all and complaining about any of this makes me feel petty and weak and spoiled. But I'm so, so lonely and so, so tired of not seeing DH for more than a couple of hours at a time. And I'm tired of raising our kids without an involved partner. He's a great father, when he's here. He's not just able to be here very often. His job is basically the "other woman" and we're all suffering for it. Whenever I bring any of this up to DH, he says that nothing makes me happy and I'm always disappointed. Yes, I'm disappointed! I'm disappointed that I'm doing all of this without him. My heart aches for my children, and for him, when he realizes--too late!--that he missed so many irreplaceable moments in their childhood. I don't know how to make it better.

I really don't have any suggestions or ideas, but I'm glad I found this thread. It makes me feel much less alone. grouphug.gif

hug2.gifto you.  That sounds really really difficult. 
 

 

post #71 of 89
My DH is on a 3 week trip. He will miss 3 holidays so I'm hoping we can do a 5 day weekend together. It doesn't make up for the fact that he won't be here for several weekends. It's criminal that companies don't have to reimburse you for being gone on the weekends. Bleh.

Hugs to peainthepod and the rest of the mamas!
post #72 of 89

 

WOW. I feel the EXACT same way about my husband. I feel so very disconnected and am even getting to the point where I'm doubting our marriage. :( I'm not sure if him being gone all the time is the only culprit or the strain from my mother in law..or both. Bleh. Regardless, he works everyday and is gone by 5:30am and gets home sometime between 7-9pm. Every 5 days he has to take a 24 hr call. (He's in medical school.) And of course, he had to work a 24 hr call on Mother's Day so I had to spend my first Mother's Day alone. :( I took my little man for a stroll and it took everything in me to not burst out crying as I passed families..together and happy. When he gets home from long calls, he's tired and just wants to go to sleep so I can't ever get any time to myself or with him. And I can relate when you say you get bored at home and need social interaction. I really think it's necessary to not going insane! If I don't see someone or go out and do something, the day will drag on forever! It stinks when DH comes home and says "Have a good day just hanging out and doing nothing?" UGH. If he only knew how much time I spend raising our busy 6 month old son that still nurses every 2-3 hours! When he gets home, he eats, showers, then sleeps. We don't even hug or anything anymore..makes me so sad. 

 

Have you found any way to stay connected? Or a way to make things not seem so bad?

 

I feel for all you other mamas.. Many hugs to all of you and here's to wishing that our partners will cut back on their hours. ;) 

 

 

post #73 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturelady View Post

 

WOW. I feel the EXACT same way about my husband. I feel so very disconnected and am even getting to the point where I'm doubting our marriage. :( I'm not sure if him being gone all the time is the only culprit or the strain from my mother in law..or both. Bleh. Regardless, he works everyday and is gone by 5:30am and gets home sometime between 7-9pm. Every 5 days he has to take a 24 hr call. (He's in medical school.) And of course, he had to work a 24 hr call on Mother's Day so I had to spend my first Mother's Day alone. :( I took my little man for a stroll and it took everything in me to not burst out crying as I passed families..together and happy. When he gets home from long calls, he's tired and just wants to go to sleep so I can't ever get any time to myself or with him. And I can relate when you say you get bored at home and need social interaction. I really think it's necessary to not going insane! If I don't see someone or go out and do something, the day will drag on forever! It stinks when DH comes home and says "Have a good day just hanging out and doing nothing?" UGH. If he only knew how much time I spend raising our busy 6 month old son that still nurses every 2-3 hours! When he gets home, he eats, showers, then sleeps. We don't even hug or anything anymore..makes me so sad. 

 

Have you found any way to stay connected? Or a way to make things not seem so bad?

 

I feel for all you other mamas.. Many hugs to all of you and here's to wishing that our partners will cut back on their hours. ;) 

 

 


:hug

 

I'm so sorry.  I know.  It is so hard.  The medical field is tough on relationships.  I wish I had some good advice about staying connected.  I find it super difficult when my husband is away a lot.  I mean all you can do is make the most of the little time you actually do have together.  I know.  That isn't very helpful.  If I think of something better I will post again.  But we are here for you! and :hug

 

 

post #74 of 89
Hugs from here too! We actually went to counseling for the first time after he had been working out of town for a couple of months. It really took a toll on our already strained relationship. It did help, definitely.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? If you can't fit in counseling, somehow you need to find a way to sit down and have a good conversation. As far as staying connected, I really don't have many solutions. Just talking as much as you can, I guess.

Currently, DP has had about enough of working out of town Mon-Thurs. He is thinking about going back to a company he worked for last summer, they were great, but they just didn't have enough hours. We've talked about it and I would definitely be willing to take a pay cut as long as we weren't going to be totally struggling. So I think he emailed them yesterday, we'll see what they say. He just feels like he's missing out on his kids' lives and I feel so lonely. I feel that I would be a better parent if he could just be home every evening. We'll see what they have to say.

Hope everyone is hanging in there! I mean, I know this will not last forever, it's just hard to get through it. I'm looking forward to the summer when the kids are out of school and I can take trips.
post #75 of 89

Hi, I'm in this boat too. My DH works 3 jobs with crazy hours, last week he only saw our children awake twice. Unfortunetly these jobs let us live only hand to mouth. But, he loves it. Says all the time how much he loves being busy. I know I should be greatful that he works so hard, and has figured a way to provide for us. But, I'm lonely also, especially since he moved out of our room, because he gets undisturbed sleep (we have two part-time bed sharing children). I get it that work brings a sense of fulfillment for him, I get that because of his drive I have the privledge of being a stay at home mom. I get it, but it doesn't fix the lonliness. It doesn't fix that I feel like we are getting disconnected. I've asked for date nights and he feels thats unreasonable. I love staying home, but we have only one vehicle so I am really stuck home. He needs the truck for work....

So, anyway, I'm glad to find this group, its nice to know I'm not the only one in this spot...and I admit a lot of the time I feel like I'm the ONLY one here. But, I hope we can find some comfort in each other and in the fact we are not alone.

post #76 of 89
So does anyone have any suggestions re: smoothly transitioning DP back into family life over the weekend? It seems that every time DP comes home for the weekend, the first half is a bit irritable, kids are thrown off, everyone has different expectations, etc. Like this am, DP got home last night, I asked him to walk DS to school. You'd think he'd want to, hasn't seen the kids all week, but he grumbles about it and then says ok. Like, I"ve been doing it all week MR., I don't think it's going to kill you to do it one time. And it kinda breaks my heart that he doesn't seem to want to. He doesn't help out with breakfast dishes/cooking, doesn't help get the kids ready unless I ask him. It's annoying. And I know what he'll say. He doesn't know how I'm doing things now so he doesn't want to do anything the wrong way. Him and oldest ds tend to clash quite a bit. URGH. greensad.gif
post #77 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by applecider View Post

So does anyone have any suggestions re: smoothly transitioning DP back into family life over the weekend? It seems that every time DP comes home for the weekend, the first half is a bit irritable, kids are thrown off, everyone has different expectations, etc. Like this am, DP got home last night, I asked him to walk DS to school. You'd think he'd want to, hasn't seen the kids all week, but he grumbles about it and then says ok. Like, I"ve been doing it all week MR., I don't think it's going to kill you to do it one time. And it kinda breaks my heart that he doesn't seem to want to. He doesn't help out with breakfast dishes/cooking, doesn't help get the kids ready unless I ask him. It's annoying. And I know what he'll say. He doesn't know how I'm doing things now so he doesn't want to do anything the wrong way. Him and oldest ds tend to clash quite a bit. URGH. greensad.gif


i could have written this. i just don't get it...you would think it would be fun to do the menial stuff every once in awhile (its fun for me sometimes!). and yes when he is home sometimes it is worse than him being at work all day! ugh.


Edited by lookatreestar - 5/28/11 at 12:16am
post #78 of 89
It seems like EVERY weekend, we get into several arguments because we both have different expectations. I'm doing things the way I normally do them during the week, what works for us, and he is irritable because it's not how he would do things. Like that occasionally I'll let the kids eat/watch movie at the same time. Or just that the kids may do things that he doesn't like, but that I have let slide because I'm choosing my battles, kwim? So I feel like he's really not supportive because it's not how HE would do it, but it's just how things work around here so I don't lose my sanity. He says he gets it, but acts all irritated. And then throws up his hands and says he just wont do anything re: parenting. I'm like, how come we can't just talk about these things and have a discussion? I told him that if there was something he felt strongly about, that I would work on enforcing it.

We have communication problems regardless, so him being out of town is really NOT good for us.
post #79 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by lookatreestar View Post





i could have written this. i just don't get it...you would think it would be fun to do the menial stuff every once in awhile (its fun for me sometimes!). and yes when he is home sometimes it is worse than him being at work all day! ugh.


Oh trust me, by the time Monday rolls around, I'm looking forward to the week with just me and the kids! Then by Thursday I can't wait for him to get home. eyesroll.gif
post #80 of 89
Thread Starter 

So here it is memorial day.  It seems like everyone in the world is off and my husband is at the office.

 

Weekends! Weekends! Where are you weekends?

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