i have found that the parent-child class here has three primary foci:
1. to give parents an opportunity to be together, parents of similar values/interests, in a relaxing, child safe environment;
2. to gently guide parents in how to parent their children through specific issues (like the ones you mention) through demonstration and instruction when such things arise;
3. to provide a social/play group for the children.
Now, this is the way that ours works, so you might want to ask if #2 is part of the equation at the play group that you're considering. whenever anything comes up in our play group (which happens perhaps once during the whole 3 hrs, but sometimes we won't have anything happen for weeks), the leader takes the child through the process that is age appropriate to get the behavior that we want (non-manipulative or disciplinarian, just body-to-body and explaining in the appropriate ways), and then tells the parent (once the child has moved on) what the technique is, how it works, and why it is more effective than perhaps other methods. Parents also get to ask the leader about these issues, and beyond the playgroup, our leader offers parenting classes and parenting coaching one-on-one.
Here is how one of our local schools,
Te Ra, talks about the issue of bullying:
Quote:
Preliminary Guidelines for Understanding Issues of Anti-Social Behaviour
It is a reality that children ‘jostle’ for position within a group. While as adults, we strive to live as equals, it is a human tendency to have hierarchy in relationships and groups. Children are no exception to this as they test themselves and others to find out how they are placed within any group and social situation. Temperament, position in family, and gender all come into play. While it is a natural process which culminates in a child knowing where he or she stands within a group, knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are, there is an onus on all adults to ensure this ‘finding out about ourselves’ process is kept safe and healthy. Guidance and guidelines are modelled, issued, and written according to the children’s age and stage of development.
Boys will pit their strength against each other – tussling games are common. ‘My dad’s bigger than your dad!’ Statements such as this may be made as a boy [unconsciously] compares his own sense of esteem with that of his primary male role model. Sometimes a boy will take on a peer or even his father or another male role model to test himself in his understanding of the world. Boys will seek to find out who is physically stronger, faster and better in any number of, usually, physical skills. Sometimes one or other or both get hurt.
Girls tend to enter into defensive positions verbally and caustic words and actions can devastate one or another member of a group. Girls will also use exclusion as a primary weapon against someone who is out of favour, or to protect themselves from becoming unpopular.
All these scenarios need adult understanding of what is really going on and clear rules and guidelines for the children involved. We have to understand if it is part of the normal process of finding out about themselves and the world, or if they are ‘acting out’ due to personal circumstances or from some other motivation. Is it a straightforward case or something more involved and complex? Adults must understand there is always a reason for children’s behaviour and while our own children must be kept safe there must also be compassion for a an unhappy or troubled child.
What is most harmful for the children involved, is the attack of an adult on one of the children involved in an incident. “That child is a bully!” pronounces the adult, “My child is an innocent victim!” Sometimes, but rarely, is this so.
Most often it is a game that got out of hand, a toy that is inappropriate, a case of hurt feelings expressed in an inappropriate manner or some children exploring an aspect of life that they know the adults would rather they did not explore – how influential am I? How can I control my world? What happens if….? How does this work? Will it break if I throw/drop/stomp on it? The list goes on and on.
It is important that all involved in an incident meet together, for it is only when all sides are heard does a clear and unbiased picture emerge. The ‘No-Blame’ approach is one healthy and supportive way that children can work through their issues and become aware of their own part in the event and practise skills to avoid or solve future incidences.
It is imperative that the adults keep communication channels open, between themselves and all the children involved, between themselves and all the parents of the children involved and between themselves and the teachers. Harsh judgements of children to children do not help build a healthy, social environment. But speaking of helping others overcome social or behavioural challenges can lead to a healthy and dynamic form of social interaction and community.
When the parent community finds a social or behavioural problem affecting their child is real and difficult to solve easily or alone the school must be informed fully and, where necessary, the College of Teachers will work with the class teachers to ensure a healthy outcome is achieved.
Where parents realise the behaviour of a child, not their own, is harming the welfare of their own child there are several options open to them. A non-blaming discussion could take place between the parents, the aim would be to find common expectations of behaviour and social interaction. Parents who build a warm relationship between themselves also find that difficulties between their children evaporate. Inviting the child, or children, concerned home to play and keeping a structure around the activities can work wonders in rebuilding a warm relationship. Informing the teacher that there are issues between children and having them addressed in some manner within the classroom will support the parental action.
When all inter-parental avenues have been explored and if the parents remain dissatisfied with the outcome, it is then time to ensure that the emotional and/or physical safety of their child is secure. The teacher of the class must be fully informed of the situation. The parents may choose to approach the School Co-ordinator for further support on the issues. The school will at all times work to secure the harmonious relationship between the children involved and ask that the parents support the process with positivity and understanding.
It is a heartbreaking fact of life that many of our children are subject to abuse from their care-givers. All children will act out their situation and it is this that then signifies as real bullying or abuse. While these situations do occur, they are less common than the ordinary learning situations of childhood. When verbal, physical or sexual abuse occurs it must be handled quickly, properly and safely. The teachers will act as soon as they are made aware of any incident. Those incidents that can be handled within the social realm of children and parents meeting together, or, as may be applicable, a disciplinary action being put in place, will be quickly and properly resolved. When, as sometimes occurs, one set of parents is not open to working with the other parents or children the problem will take longer to resolve.
Te Ra Waldorf School now has a policy in place to handle more severe situations and a team of competent people to ensure any children involved are attended to respectfully yet thoroughly. This team can be called together to ensure the correct processes are followed and medical, psychological and spiritual help is offered where it is needed.
Your support of the social wellbeing of all children at Te Ra Waldorf School is every bit as important as the continued social wellbeing of your own child or children. It is only by working together in this way that we truly become a community. |
personally, i find the policy statement very refreshing, in that it is not simply applying a label and a punishment model, and that it understands that there will be social-positional workings within groups that are not bullying but may still be physical, caustic, etc, but instead, looking at a communal, curative process to overcome whatever the real situation is for both the one "bullying" and the one "being bullied" when that situation arises.
and please note, as a bullied kid myself, my study of buddhism helped me to understand that they were truly suffering, and i was frustrated when people 1. would passively or actively collude with the bully; or 2. not be willing to question why the bully was bullying.
