hey,
im hoping for some advice. im not super concerned but i would like to know how to deal with it. because whatever im doing is not working.
my daughter is 2.5 years old. i know how to handle some of her toddler antics such as whining and snatching toys from friends hands...so normally if its whining, i just have her ask again but in a less whiney tone and explain why. if its snatching toys, i tell her she needs to give it back and that i can help her do that if necessary and then i try to find another toy she might like. sometimes the kids work something out on their own as in her buddy will bring her a diff toy and shell return the toy she snatched and they will hug. but some of her other behaviors are more complicated and im not sure how to discipline or guide her to better behavior.
1. she has a tendency to follow her friend around with a toy or cup she perceives is his, she wants to give it to him, if he wants it all ends well but if he doesnt, she gets extremely upset and cries, "but you NEED it!" and keeps trying to make him take it which ends with him shoving her away. this one, ive been trying to intervene after i see he doesnt want the item and then ill tell her that she can give the item to mommy. if it gets to the point that she gets pushed, shell crumble into tears or exclaim, "he pushed me". i scoop her up, make sure she is okay and explain that while pushing isnt okay, she needs to give her friend space and not be bossy, that her behavior made him upset, that when she is bossy her friends dont want to play with her.
i find this one hard to talk to her about. weve been using the term bossy but im not entirely certain thats whats going on. she does do something else that fits into that bossy thing more but this one is not quite the same. shes been this way for a very long time. when they were younger (closer to 1) if she had a cup, she would say her friend needed one too, and so on with a variety of other things. its more like she thinks things have to be equal at all times. and really she hears that she should take turns with toys and that sharing with friends is nice, so i think its confusing to her how she could possibly have done something wrong by "giving" her friend something.
2. heres the one that is more bossy. she wants her friend to play with her so she follows him around telling him what to do and what he should play with and how he should play with it....he gets mad and pushes her or screams at her, she gets upset. i think part of this is due to the fact that she wants to engage in interactive play while her buddy is still really into parallel play. again when i hear or see whats happening, i try to intervene before things escalate. i explain again that her friend is busy doing something and she needs to give him space. she normally cries, sometimes i have to pick her up and take her to a diff spot to refocus on something else.
3. she hoards toys like crazy sometimes to the point she cant play
this one im just curious about. it hasnt become a major problem. if its a toy in high demand i do make her give it up after a specified amount of time. this is when the toys arent hers by the way. for toys at home, her special ones get put up. i remind her that toys left out are for sharing. sometimes but rarely toys get put up after friends arrive because its causing problems.
she does have a lovey that she carries around, normally if we are around others though hes put up for safe keeping. i did look this one up but saw very little on it. the one article i did find suggested getting her a backpack to hold the hoarded toys but when they arent hers id feel pretty strange about that one.
4. she growls or "arghs" or makes some random noise at her friend, he doesnt like it, he tells her to stop, she keeps doing it over and over just to get a rise. i know shes doing it on purpose because she'll lean in on him and smile a little and keep at it. i tell her to stop and that she is upsetting her friend, that it makes him sad when she bugs him like that. should i be doing time outs for this? right now, if i am able i just physically remove her from his space and tell her to leave him alone because he doesnt like what she is doing. (she does this a lot in the car where i cant really remove her from the situation).
this one is made more difficult because sometimes she is just making noise because she wants to like singing or humming and not to purposely annoy her friend...so right now depending on intent...if its to annoy her friend i tell her to stop because she is upsetting her friend, if its just because she wants to sing or hum or even argh at her lovie, the other mom tells her son that he cant boss her around and to ignore it.
5. another one related to being bossy is my child will say her friend is so and so, hell get upset and say hes james (a train), shell say, "no, youre not, your thomas (another train)." he will get very upset and start yelling, "No, im not, Im james! stop it!" and start crying. I tell my daughter that he can pretend to be whoever he wants to be and that she cannot tell him who is pretending to be.
again sometimes she intentionally does it to upset him and sometimes she doesnt. as in he will say to her, "im thomas" and shell repeat, "youre thomas" and then he will scream, "no im not im james!" and get upset and cry.
she has always been a rather high needs kid. she did have an aggressive phase for a bit when she was 1 but she rarely hits or pushes now (she has done it once maybe twice since her friend started doing it more but its pretty rare, but she has walked in front of him when running and then tried to claim he pushed her even if he didnt, oi.). she has a thing about lining things up in a row and then wanting it to remain untouched, she flips out if it is touched. she calls it her castle. this one doesnt bother me but im just giving some insights into her personality. she is better about it now but if we go shopping with friends, she loses it if everyone doesnt stay together. she is pretty passionate, she has extremely loud tantrums that pass quickly.
if it matters her friend is only a month older. they both have fairly high energy levels, in fact they are prob at at their best when running around at top speed. they are both very verbal. my child has just gotten into babies and really loves watching older kids.
she has a quirky sense of humor and is pretty loving. again none of her behavior is a major concern with me but i dont feel that what im doing is working at all. the other mom and i are good friends and our children do have fun together and really stick up for each other when out amongst a larger group of friends so forgoing on play dates until they are older is not really an option. i would just like to have some better tools for dealing with some of her behavior. the other mom and i feel pretty comfortable disciplining each other"s child if necessary. so if she doesnt catch her son when he pushes, i tell him that pushing is not okay and she goes to help him stop and if my child is trying to force toys on him and i havent noticed, shell say something and then ill go help my child stop.
i feel part of my problem is much of whether a given behavior of hers is not acceptable depends on the context and how the heck do you explain that to a 2.5 year old. its not like saying no hitting and that rule applies all the time. its more like, yes, giving people their toys or belongings back is nice but you cant force them to take it. thats a way more complicated concept than just no hitting.
this is sooo long. sorry. please help. thanks!
im hoping for some advice. im not super concerned but i would like to know how to deal with it. because whatever im doing is not working.
my daughter is 2.5 years old. i know how to handle some of her toddler antics such as whining and snatching toys from friends hands...so normally if its whining, i just have her ask again but in a less whiney tone and explain why. if its snatching toys, i tell her she needs to give it back and that i can help her do that if necessary and then i try to find another toy she might like. sometimes the kids work something out on their own as in her buddy will bring her a diff toy and shell return the toy she snatched and they will hug. but some of her other behaviors are more complicated and im not sure how to discipline or guide her to better behavior.
1. she has a tendency to follow her friend around with a toy or cup she perceives is his, she wants to give it to him, if he wants it all ends well but if he doesnt, she gets extremely upset and cries, "but you NEED it!" and keeps trying to make him take it which ends with him shoving her away. this one, ive been trying to intervene after i see he doesnt want the item and then ill tell her that she can give the item to mommy. if it gets to the point that she gets pushed, shell crumble into tears or exclaim, "he pushed me". i scoop her up, make sure she is okay and explain that while pushing isnt okay, she needs to give her friend space and not be bossy, that her behavior made him upset, that when she is bossy her friends dont want to play with her.
i find this one hard to talk to her about. weve been using the term bossy but im not entirely certain thats whats going on. she does do something else that fits into that bossy thing more but this one is not quite the same. shes been this way for a very long time. when they were younger (closer to 1) if she had a cup, she would say her friend needed one too, and so on with a variety of other things. its more like she thinks things have to be equal at all times. and really she hears that she should take turns with toys and that sharing with friends is nice, so i think its confusing to her how she could possibly have done something wrong by "giving" her friend something.
2. heres the one that is more bossy. she wants her friend to play with her so she follows him around telling him what to do and what he should play with and how he should play with it....he gets mad and pushes her or screams at her, she gets upset. i think part of this is due to the fact that she wants to engage in interactive play while her buddy is still really into parallel play. again when i hear or see whats happening, i try to intervene before things escalate. i explain again that her friend is busy doing something and she needs to give him space. she normally cries, sometimes i have to pick her up and take her to a diff spot to refocus on something else.
3. she hoards toys like crazy sometimes to the point she cant play
this one im just curious about. it hasnt become a major problem. if its a toy in high demand i do make her give it up after a specified amount of time. this is when the toys arent hers by the way. for toys at home, her special ones get put up. i remind her that toys left out are for sharing. sometimes but rarely toys get put up after friends arrive because its causing problems.
she does have a lovey that she carries around, normally if we are around others though hes put up for safe keeping. i did look this one up but saw very little on it. the one article i did find suggested getting her a backpack to hold the hoarded toys but when they arent hers id feel pretty strange about that one.
4. she growls or "arghs" or makes some random noise at her friend, he doesnt like it, he tells her to stop, she keeps doing it over and over just to get a rise. i know shes doing it on purpose because she'll lean in on him and smile a little and keep at it. i tell her to stop and that she is upsetting her friend, that it makes him sad when she bugs him like that. should i be doing time outs for this? right now, if i am able i just physically remove her from his space and tell her to leave him alone because he doesnt like what she is doing. (she does this a lot in the car where i cant really remove her from the situation).
this one is made more difficult because sometimes she is just making noise because she wants to like singing or humming and not to purposely annoy her friend...so right now depending on intent...if its to annoy her friend i tell her to stop because she is upsetting her friend, if its just because she wants to sing or hum or even argh at her lovie, the other mom tells her son that he cant boss her around and to ignore it.
5. another one related to being bossy is my child will say her friend is so and so, hell get upset and say hes james (a train), shell say, "no, youre not, your thomas (another train)." he will get very upset and start yelling, "No, im not, Im james! stop it!" and start crying. I tell my daughter that he can pretend to be whoever he wants to be and that she cannot tell him who is pretending to be.
again sometimes she intentionally does it to upset him and sometimes she doesnt. as in he will say to her, "im thomas" and shell repeat, "youre thomas" and then he will scream, "no im not im james!" and get upset and cry.
she has always been a rather high needs kid. she did have an aggressive phase for a bit when she was 1 but she rarely hits or pushes now (she has done it once maybe twice since her friend started doing it more but its pretty rare, but she has walked in front of him when running and then tried to claim he pushed her even if he didnt, oi.). she has a thing about lining things up in a row and then wanting it to remain untouched, she flips out if it is touched. she calls it her castle. this one doesnt bother me but im just giving some insights into her personality. she is better about it now but if we go shopping with friends, she loses it if everyone doesnt stay together. she is pretty passionate, she has extremely loud tantrums that pass quickly.
if it matters her friend is only a month older. they both have fairly high energy levels, in fact they are prob at at their best when running around at top speed. they are both very verbal. my child has just gotten into babies and really loves watching older kids.
she has a quirky sense of humor and is pretty loving. again none of her behavior is a major concern with me but i dont feel that what im doing is working at all. the other mom and i are good friends and our children do have fun together and really stick up for each other when out amongst a larger group of friends so forgoing on play dates until they are older is not really an option. i would just like to have some better tools for dealing with some of her behavior. the other mom and i feel pretty comfortable disciplining each other"s child if necessary. so if she doesnt catch her son when he pushes, i tell him that pushing is not okay and she goes to help him stop and if my child is trying to force toys on him and i havent noticed, shell say something and then ill go help my child stop.
i feel part of my problem is much of whether a given behavior of hers is not acceptable depends on the context and how the heck do you explain that to a 2.5 year old. its not like saying no hitting and that rule applies all the time. its more like, yes, giving people their toys or belongings back is nice but you cant force them to take it. thats a way more complicated concept than just no hitting.
this is sooo long. sorry. please help. thanks!
